Her hands were clammy. She sat on the passenger seat at the back of a black sedan car. They were driving through the high way in the middle of the night. It was rainy. The street upfront was slippery and blurry. All she could see was the light crossing against one another. Cars speeded up slowly. She was happy. Her chest jumps in excitement for her first visit to the theatre. Her mother promised her the other day, after a long bragging. She couldn’t sit still, she jumped around. Her mother told her to sit down multiple times, but she didn’t listen.

The next thing she knew, something weigh against her chest. Pain shoots through her body. Blood were everywhere. She couldn’t breathe. Her body was painful. She remembered seeing the small lights suddenly came to her. She remembered the bright white light that blinded her vision before the pain started. All she could see were blood and pain, her mother screams, and her father heavy breathing. A stranger body lied next to her, eyes closed and body torn apart. She shrieked and jerked. Her ears were ringing. She screamed.

When she opened her eyes once more, she was underwater. Her hands were clammy. She looked up to find fifteen pairs of eyes staring down at her mercilessly. She tried to swim upward, but it was heavy. Her body was heavy, her chest pounds against her head, she couldn’t breathe. She struggled, as she saw bubbles moving upwards. She screamed for help but the silence was deafening. Their eyes were deadly. Was she disgusting? Was she cursed? If not, then why were they staring down at her? They wanted to kill her.

She was wet; out of the blue she was pulled off the water. It was empty. The fifteen pairs of eyes that stared down at her disappeared without a trace. She was all alone, next to the swimming pool. She stared down at the water, hoping it was all a bad dream. She choked out water, her lungs felt weak. She collapsed as she dragged her feet closer to the pool. She looked down. A body was there. It was her best friend. Eyes opened, pale skin, and her hands were trying to reach for something. She stared right back at her, her eyes were hateful. Jieun shrieked and jerked, she screamed again.

She shrieked again when her best friend’s hand was wrapped around her ankle, dragging her down to the water. Her best friend was dead, she was dead, so how could she drown her again? Jieun jerked with all her force trying to get away. She could, but her best friend deadly eyes turned her weak. Her best friend, Eunji, was staring at her as if she had killed her. She cried and cried, and screamed to no avail. She was dragged back down, drowning inside the water.

All she saw, as she struggled for air, was dead body. Her parents, her best friend, and suddenly her grandmother stormed toward her. She grabbed her by the neck and strangled her. Jieun fought even harder. She was scared, surrounded by the dead. She screamed for help as they enclosed the distance. But their eyes made her weak. Their eyes made her gave up. They were accusing her for killing them, that she was cursed, that she was a murderer, that she caused all of this to happen. They did not wish for death, yet she killed them. Jieun tried to protest but their murderous gaze silenced her.

I did not kill them. I did nothing wrong. It was an accident. She reminded herself. She had done nothing wrong. She was convincing herself with their deadly gaze upon her. When she screamed those words out loud – a way to escape her guilt – they screamed back at her. Their voices were deadly. Their breath was cold. Their eyes darken. All she remembered was them bleeding, and her breath turning shorter. Something weighed against her that she couldn’t move. She sank deeper.

“You killed us!” They screamed.

Everything turned dark, as if the stormed has suddenly passed by. Everything was calm and cold. It was silence. The silence was deafening that her ears started ringing. She wanted to swim upwards for some air, but couldn’t. It was pitch black, she didn’t know what awaits her above. She was drained, she couldn’t feel a thing. Her brain was the only thing that remained working. As she sank deeper, she shut her eyes closed, and exhaled her last breath. She gave up.

Am I dead?

No, am I alive?

***

Her body jerked, it jumped, then she suddenly sat up. She was murmuring something unclear before. Luhan was slightly bothered when he heard her talking in her sleep. She sounded desperate, but he was so tired that he ignored it. So, he went back to sleep. But not this time, when her body jerked, he immediately jumped off the couch and forced his eyes opened. It was so dark, he could barely see her. He knew she was having hard time breathing. He heard her panting, her breath was heavy and short. She was desperate for air.

“Jieun-ah, Jieun-ah,” he said, then reminded himself they were not that close just yet. “IU-ssi, IU-ssi, are you okay?” He whispered, holding onto both her shoulder.

She looked different. She was not the Lee Ji Eun he usually saw – the master of disguise, the full of pain, the depressed. She was not the infamous IU either – the bubbly and beautiful girl, the beautiful voice. She was a different Lee Ji Eun. In the dark, he caught glimpse of her. She looked scared, her eyes reflected pain, regret, guilt, and fear. Her body shuddered and trembled. She panted, her nails dug deep into his arms. She could scratch him. It was painful but he didn’t complain. She looked lost, purely lost and confused.

“IU-ssi… IU-ssi… it’s okay. It’s okay.” He stopped for a moment, then realized. “It was just a bad dream. It’s okay now.”

Her eyes were all over the place, searching for something that would snap her back to reality. She was still lost and confused, wondering where she was, wondering if she was dead or alive. When their eyes met, she looked exactly like a lost child. She looked so fragile and broken. It was not the Lee Ji Eun he has met before. She looked almost too similar to the Lee Ji Eun that had begged for his help a few days ago. Her eyes softened at the sight of him. Her lips were trembling, as she tried hard to voice something out.

“I… it’s… okay? It’s okay?”

“Yes. Yes, it’s okay. It’s okay.”

She started to pull her nails out of his skin. He silently groaned at the friction, it was painful. He held her tighter, until she could snap out of her dream and came back to reality. It would take a while, he knew. It was the third time this week; usually she would kick him out almost immediately, but today was different. She looked so scared, despite facing it daily. He has observed her for a while and he knew her nightmares have gotten worse. She needed help.

Luhan patted her head softly. His hands were warm while her body was extremely cold. She was sweating, cold sweats spread on her body. He placed his hands on her back firmly, consoling her with the up and down motion, slowly and gently. Her tensed body soon relaxes and he stopped. In which, he received a soft tug from her. She didn’t want him to go.

“I will just turn on the light and come back.” He smiled and placed her hands away.

“No!” She shrieked.

It happened again. Her body jerked again. She panted even harder. Her shortness of breath was terrifying, as if she could catch a heart attack. Her heart was pounding, yet it wasn’t pounding against her chest, but against her head. Soon, all parts of her body were pounding. She couldn’t breathe. The panic attack came again and it grew worse. Her hands were clammy. She felt weak. She leaned her body against the wall for support. Her hands squeezing her chest, hitting it, begging for it to stopped. Breathe. Breathe.

Luhan was shocked to see her state. She was a mess. He ran back to her immediately, trying to help her. But she rejected him. He regretted his action. Did he hurt her again? These days, she occupied most of his thoughts. When she accepted his help that day, when he offered his help that day, did he think of the consequences? He did, but the consequences grew scarier. When something like this happened, he did not know what to do. He was scared.

“Don’t.” She weakly said.

“I’m okay. I’m okay… I’m okay… I’m okay…” She whispered again and again. Luhan figured she was back to normal and soon she might kick him out.

Jieun was afraid of lies and comfort after what happened between her and Kai. They had not met each other for weeks. It stopped. Jieun would avoid him at all cost and Kai knew it was about time to back off. So, the two stopped. They acted like stranger. It was one of the sad parts about breaking up, especially when the feelings still lingered. Luhan knew. At times, the fact would hurt him. He would have to remind himself that he wished for nothing in returns. He was becoming greedy with Jieun by his side. He has greed too.

And yes, she still feared them. She feared all the lies and comforts. She feared them because they hurt her. But what could she do when the only way to conquer her fears was to use another one of her fear? She seeks for safety. To survive the panic attacks, she lied to herself. A little bit of white lie wouldn’t hurt, would it? Often, she would tell a lie with the simplest words of comfort: I’m okay. Clearly, nothing was okay.

I’m okay.

The thing about I’m okay… it was so simple. It was very simple, two pure common words without any negativity being put into it. Maybe it was so positive and optimistic that at times, it would hurt more. And an okay holds a thousand meaning. Okay that means you will be just fine, that you give up, that you are happy or upset, that you challenges yourself. Okay, a simple word that hid thousands of meaning. Okay said the secrecy.

I’m okay. Lee Ji Eun had just found her favorite words in the dictionary: I’m okay. I’m okay.

Her short breath soon came to an end, as she inhaled and exhaled deeply. She blinked her eyes a couple of times and hit her chest hard; and everything went back to normal. The clock tick normally, the air was lighter, it was warmer and less anxious. A sense of relieves rushed through her. I’m okay… I’m okay… and it stopped.

Luhan found her eyes darkened as the attack stopped. A sense of relieves may rushed through her, but not him. Her pair of eyes was the most beautiful yet the most mysterious he had ever seen. Jieun – seemingly forgot about his presence – jumped off the bed and ran for the fridge. He was once again shocked to see bottles of healthy fruit juices he had placed two weeks ago to be replaced by canned-beers and bottles of them. Some were already empty. Did she drink again?

She swung it opened and harshly took a bottle of it. She opened the curtains, pulling them harshly. Luhan found unpleasant scenery to look at, the picture he had stuck to the window was torn apart. He could see traces of scratches. She tore them down. It was dark outside, but being dark did not make the place despicable. In the dark, the violence and abuse were clearer than the day. Why would she watch them? No, how could she stand them?

She clicked the canned-beers opened. It was so silent that the clicking sound echoed through the room. Luhan was standing frozen at his spot. The click sound managed to snap him out of his thoughts. He quickly ran to the kitchen and came back with a mug. He snatched the beer away from her, before she could even take a sip and replaced it with the mug. Warm water, he thought she would need it.

Jieun stared at him angrily, ready to lung at him and snatch her drink back. Luhan noticed it, the desperation in her eyes. He quickly drank it all in one shot, despite his incapability in handling liquor. It was so bitter. Jieun sighed angrily as she sipped the hot water. It was comforting. She felt better. Then, everything fell to pure silence as she stared out the window. Her figure looked so small, so fragile, and so sick.

“Do you know why I drink? When I dream of something horrible, I would need something to snap me out. If I drink something sweet, I would feel twice scared. If I drink something sour, I might throw up. So, I decided beer is the best. It’s bitter so I would snap out quickly and I would feel alive. The bitterness dragged me down, back to reality. The sweetness afterwards, it’s short and it soothe me just enough.

Do you know why I stared outside so much? I always feel I belonged here. When it’s day, all that is left are traces of violence and abuse that had happened at night. When it’s night, all I could hear is violence and abuse. I hate them, they disgust me. Yet somehow I feel like I have to be reminded that I am no different. I’m not a person. They are all being abused at night, when the day comes, they would abuse other. Here, it’s an endless cycle of hurt and hurting.

Don’t you think the world is no different?”

***

Luhan spent his time observing her, each time he had the chance. He grew from a man who barely knew a thing about the woman he loved to a man who grew knowing her more. She had different sides, each as shocking as the other. Some were pleasant, some others hurt. She could be feminine and sweet, caring and gentle at times, but also dark and angry, depressed and anxious. He wanted to help. But changes hurt. So, how slow should he take her so she wouldn’t be hurting?

She claimed that she was not a person. After knowing her more, he realized she was a person. She was a person, more than he was. He, too, was a person, but she was much more humane. She got hurt. She had long thoughts. She was a person and everything else that came next. Still, she needed a change. Now, tell him, how slow should the changes be? He didn’t want to hurt her.

He knew Jieun always had nightmares each time she went to bad. She would sleep really well around ten o’clock and for the next two to three hours. When the clock strike around one o’clock, her body would jerks and she would start murmuring some unclear words. Sometimes, he could hear her well. She would scream for help or she would start saying nonsense, as if she was trying to chase away the guilt. He knew it too that her nightmare was growing worse. She had so much fear, one by one, eating her up. He knew more and more about her.

She wouldn’t get back to sleep after her nightmare. She would look very desperate afterwards. Fears shadowed her. Desperation shadowed her. Darkness haunted her. Past haunted her. The attacks grew worse day by day, too. When she finally calmed down, she would read a book. She had collections of light novels and all kind of books. He figured those with the sad-ending and the most pessimistic point of view to be her favorite. She always brought new books; she would finish them within a night. When her book ended, her schedules filled her days. He knew. He knew.

Or, how she skipped dinner and breakfast from time to time. If she was starving, she would cook any instant meal she could fine. Her kitchen was filled with instant noodles, canned-foods, canned-drinks. She often ate ramyun and her favorite would be the curry. She barely spent her time cooking. Luhan was surprised to see how such a girl could cook splendidly. He had once tasted her cooking, it was great. Now that he knew, it was surprising.

It’s been days yet she wasn’t willing to open up to him. She didn’t come home often, especially when she had managed to come back to her track. He didn’t visit her all the time either. He had a job and responsibility as an idol. Besides, he needed to be careful of stalkers and reporters. Everything might blow up once more and he doubted they could survive through it. Sure, Lee Ji Eun stopped kicking him out a while ago. She would let him stay at times or simply ignored his existent. Sometimes it felt better, other times it hurt.

For the hundredth times, he reminded himself of how the changes shouldn’t hurt her. He didn’t want to hurt her. If the changes ended up being a torture, he would give up by then. He decided it was about time to bring a little change. He brought Chinese take outs for the night. Perhaps, it could match her taste perfectly.

She was working under the dim lights when he arrived. She was busy scribbling on music sheets, strumming her guitar, and humming a few melodious tunes. She was talented indeed. Her hair was tired into a messy bun. It was the first time he had seen her enjoying what she was doing. She put her soul into it. Luhan was slightly amazed seeing how hard she worked for music.

“I brought Chinese take outs for dinner!”

“I’m…” he knew she was about to protest when her stomach growled. “starving…” With much protest, she sat nicely on the dining table, as he prepared the dishes. He looked pleased with her giving in to his offered.

“This is the best take outs I’ve tasted so far. Do you like Chinese food?”

“I’m not very fond of eating.”

“I bought the tastiest. The roasted duck… the pork… the dumplings… the noodles…”

“It’s too much calories. Don’t you know I’m on a diet, Luhan-ssi?”

“Once in a while wouldn’t hurt. I read the articles today; people are complaining that you’re too thin.”

“It’s my business. Anyway, thanks. I’m starving.”

***

“IU-ssi, I’m taking you out for dinner tonight.”

It was the first line he stated, right after he entered her room. She was still dressed in her comfortable shorts and loose shirts. Hair still tied to a messy bun and her fingers holding a wooden pencil. Some of her notes were stuck on her body. She was a complete mess while the man looked absolutely handsome in his pair of jeans and leather jacket. She was about to protest when the man smiled. It had only been a week, yet she already had a hard time rejecting his request. Although this was, so far, the only request he has mad.

She stood in front of the mirror. Her petite body was wrapped in a simple dress. She looked chic in it. Black seemed to fit her quite well. When was the last time she dressed up? She would dressed up every day for performances, but when did she last dressed up? Jongin. She wouldn’t dress up unless it was Jongin. She would spend hours trying to look pretty, trying to get rid of her alcoholic smell, trying to perfect her smile. This was her first time dressing up, after her break up with Jongin. She may look fabulous, yet she felt the opposite.

She stopped dating one month ago, when they broke up. She hadn’t gone out for a while. She hadn’t strolled down the street at night for a while. She even stopped living for a while. All she remembered about the night was the cold winter night where she found her romance with him, hands in hands, walking together. Now, the weather became friendlier. It was cold, but better than winter. The tall street light sparkles and she could smell the blooming flowers. She was walking alone, single, and with another man, Luhan.

They stopped in a small restaurant. Jieun knew who it belonged to, one of the celebrities. She was quite closed to him. She often visits the place, alone or with Jongin. People dated here or they simply hang out. It was a comfortable, small, and simple place. It was her favorite place. It used to be her and Jongin’s favorite dating place. Here, it would be Jieun and Jongin, not IU and Kai. She missed the pasta scent that greeted her.

She wondered why Luhan took her to such a place. The wound was slowly healing. It stopped hurting a while ago; it stopped killing her a while ago. Him taking her out to this place would only reopened the wound. When the waitress came to her and handed her the menu, she couldn’t help but to search for Jongin’s favorite menu. He would brag for fried chicken and spaghetti. They would go out to eat Bingsu on hot summer days. She wondered if he still likes them. She wondered if he still eats them every week the way he used to be. She couldn’t help but smile bittersweetly when she remembered him. They were bittersweet, after all.

“Should I order for you or do you want to….”

“I… the spaghetti, please.”

 “I’d order the same, please. And… fried chicken… Bingsu for dessert.”

What he told the waitress sent shudders down her spine. Jieun had a hard time controlling her emotion. Perhaps, he noticed it, her discomforts. Luhan was a caring man. He knew what she needed by catching the slightest hint she often gave off. For a man, he was impressive. Maybe it was one of the side-effect of being a flower boy. Jongin, the manly man, barely caught up with her hints. Manly man rarely understands.

“Bingsu for dessert? It’s cold right now, Luhan-ssi.”

“I know.”

They ate in silence, barely able to make up conversations as they chomped off their food. Jieun had a lot in mind, aside from Jongin; she had a lot to question about this man. He was kind, very kind and very sincere. Jieun could feel every bits of sincerity from his actions. But what made her doubts and scared at times would be his reason. He was a man she barely knows, she was a woman he barely knows, so why was he helping her? She wanted to know. It almost slipped off her tongue. She was desperate for an answer.

When they finished their meal, they still ended up eating their desserts quietly. The two looked like stranger. Luhan knew he should try to make a conversation that didn’t end with one lines or end with an okay. But he knew asking too much might annoy her or even hurt her. In fact, he knew she was thinking about another man, despite him being right in front of her. She was thinking about Jongin. It hurt.

“So… what do you want me to talk about?”

“Do we have something to talk about?”

“I don’t know.”

“Can we just eat silently?”

“Sure.”

“Or why don’t you teach me how to speak Mandarin?”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“Okay.”

“How do I introduce myself? What do I say?”

“First off, smile. When you talk, instead of accent, you need to get the tone right. Now, repeat after me.”

***

Jieun never considered herself happy. She didn’t expect she would have a great time laughing and enjoying a conversation today. In fact, she was prepared for the worse. She thought, once she went back home, her closed wounds might reopened again. She might break all over again. But she was wrong. Luhan managed to make her laughs and enjoyed the conversation. He could be surprising at times. They would laugh at her weird tones or miss pronunciation, or how he had a hard time figuring her speech. She was not happy, but she enjoyed her time tonight.

When they arrived back home in her small rusty apartment, she reverted back to a depressed woman. Of course, the mini attacks arrived once she stepped inside. It scared him. She could see the shock and fear in his eyes. She reminded herself that he was too pure for her. Perhaps, she chose the wrong man to be her healer.

“IU-ssi, I was thinking about all the hurt and hurting stuff. Yes, the world is no different. But when you think about it… when you are hurt, you hurt yourself the most. People hurt us, but we hurt ourselves the most. When we hurt others, we silently get hurt too. That’s why we end up hurt and hurting. If we stopped hurting ourselves and stopped hurting others, the cycle would stop.

And you are a person. You are a person. You’re more of a person than I am. You spent your times thinking about people feelings, you spent your time hurting. If you are not a person, you won’t be sad. Your feelings, your sadness is deeper than mine, which is why you are a person.”

“Luhan-ssi,” she smiled. His answer was surprising and she was pleased. “It’s Jieun.” She tossed something to him.

It was the key. 

Author Note

I know. I know. This chapter came out a bit off. It's very, actually. I'll try fixing it soon.