Spring, Ten Years ago…

“fortune key chain?” the seller looked at taeyeon.

Leeteuk.

 I never did see you after I left the early morning to continue doing our project. I’m really sorry. I know that right now you’d probably think why I am doing this. But after last night, I became more confused. I know that I’m rejected, I cannot compete with her. you really love her with all your heart. but after the kiss… I had these feeling, not wanting to let you go, as if I want to keep you with me forever.

But you would not allow it right? You always want to be with her. and I know that I cannot push myself on you. I cannot be someone that you can love, not until you have your mind completely off her, through in which, I think, is really impossible.

That’s why I need time. To think over my thoughts, to think of myself. I need to love myself too.

-----------------------

Business and Politics Classroom

Leeteuk sighed.

He had been continuously stealing glances at taeyeon’s area at the middle aisle, since she was easy to see but to no help. She was ignoring him, pretending that she wasn’t seeing any hand gestures or looks piercing at her. taeyeon remained enthusiastic on the classroom but it really appeared that he didn’t exist. The same thing and scenario went on until their last period of classes in business and politics.

“are you okay?” siwon noticed leeteuk looking at taeyeon helplessly. But the latter wasn’t paying attention and instead, feasted his eyes on the direction to his right.

Siwon gently knocked leeteuk’s arm with his finger.

“hey.”

 leeteuk was instantly shocked.

“you’ve been stealing glances at her the whole time.” Siwon said with goggling eyes. “something wrong?”

“I don’t know.” leeteuk shrugged. He fixed his glasses above his nose and remained staring at taeyeon’s direction.

“mister park jungsu could you please explain the law of merchandising?” the professor asked.

Leeteuk sighed again and continued looking at her.

“mister park jungsu?”

Taeyeon looked at leeteuk for once and pointed to the professor immediately with her finger.

“w-what?” leeteuk was partly relieved that she noticed him but the professor seemed unimpressed.

“mister park jungsu are you listening?”

“law of merchandising right?” leeteuk stood up, opened his book to a page and recited the details. Good thing he memorized the book.

-----------------------

“hey.”

Taeyeon was busy drinking from the fountain when leeteuk lightly hit her waist with his hand. she immediately jumped from his touch as if there was a strong electricity that tingled her skin.

“you’re avoiding me.” leeteuk said as taeyeon wiped her lips from the water that almost squirted on her entire jaw.

Taeyeon hauled her books situated next to the fountain.

“I’m not avoiding you.” She said, walking away.

“hey.” Leeteuk tried to catch up with her pace but she remained her distance.

“see you’re not even talking to me.” he said, stopping infront of her. leeteuk cannot really decipher what’s going on with taeyeon’s mind.

“can you just walk away?” taeyeon said through gritted teeth. If she had usually been catching up with leeteuk before, now it was him who was doing her usual routine of snooping around.

“why?” leeteuk really wanted to know the real score.

“aish, just go back to the classroom.” Taeyeon pushed him aside and started walking.

Leeteuk walked a few steps more until their paces leveled.

“hey.” He said, holding her arm to stop. He didn’t want her to think that he was being airy, but he wanted to have the details badly. “is it because of what happened at the apartment last night?”

Taeyeon seemed to stop too at the thought. he was probably reading her mind now.

“is that the reason why you’re avoiding me?” leeteuk cringe his brows.

“I—“ taeyeon inhaled deep breaths and shook her head. “just go.”

“hey.” Leeteuk reached for taeyeon’s hand but she ran away to the hall filled with curious students watching their scene.

-----------------------

Taeyeon’s POV

Now he knows that I am avoiding him. But I cannot tell the reason why. He just doesn’t have to know. And what can he do anyways? He will just continue to confuse me. I should have to let him go, and be ready for any bereavement that is about to take place in the future. But a major part of me wanted him to stay, as if making my mind to think of a way that can make him survive.

How can I compete myself to someone who willingly wants to go to heaven?

“yah.” Someone nudged my ribs at the side and I was surprised to see donghae joining me for a seat at the ledge on the school garden. He looked really happy for the day, the smiling face he has. But once he saw me contemplating about something, he seemed curious too. I cannot help but be sad on the whole idea. Leeteuk is really bugging my mind.

“I was watching you from the coffee shop, it looks like you’re not in a good mood?” he asked. Typical donghae, always the worried one.

“anni.” I said, pretending that everything’s fine. I think I’m always a bad liar, I cannot really hide my true feelings.

“is this about teukie hyung?” donghae seemed to really know my thoughts. What’s with him? His senses are really powerful.

I looked at him, imitating a confused expression.

“what are you talking about?”

“I know you, when you want something that you cannot have.” Donghae said, looking both on our feet that swayed on top of the ground.

“ I’m really that obvious, huh.” I said, biting my lip.

“it takes months for someone to know people what they actually feel.” Donghae said, patting my shoulder. “teukie hyung, you seemed to really like him.”

For something to talk to an ex-boyfriend, something about love is really awkward to talk about.

“he’s really stubborn to think only of himself.” I said, feeling that my heart is slowly opening up because it really pains right there. “ I mean, he’s not even thinking what we feel about his decision.”
“I think he just doesn’t want to trample on other people.” Donghae said. “he does not want to hurt others, he just want to take the pain for himself.”

“its too selfish, really.” I said, rolling my eyes. I really don’t understand what he’s thinking about, even if he can justify his own reasons.

“just give it time, taeyeonnie.” Donghae said. “teukie hyung is a man of few words, in reality he really doesn’t want people worrying about him as much as he worries about them.”

I sighed and let silence pass as donghae sang songs almost out of tune when a familiar tall girl passed by our area.

“ah, unni.” It was yoona, the vice president of leeteuk’s fan club.

“yes yoona?”

“wow.” Donghae breathed at the sight of her. I looked at donghae in bewilderment but tried to hide the fact of my curiosity towards the situation.

“erm, sica unni, wants you to sign this form.” Yoona scratched her head at the way donghae really looked at her. I glanced at the form and it was all about the teukie plushies. More leeteuk interaction.

“you’re selling teukie plushies?” I said, intrigued at the number of people wanting to buy leeteuk replicas in a piece of a stuffed toy.

“what, teukie plushies?” donghae butted in.

“your cousin has a fans club.” I told him, giving the form back to yoona.

“wait, oppa is your cousin?” it was yoona’s turn to notice donghae. And donghae, seeing that he had been caught in a good moment, graciously bowed his head in agreement.

“im yoona, my name is yoona.” Yoona extended her hand.

“donghae.” Donghae grinned, shaking her hand.

“oppa knows a lot about teukie oppa then?” yoona asked excitedly. I laughed at the thought of it when donghae’s smile immediately turned sour.

“why are we talking about my cousin here?” donghae pouted. “we go in the same class and you don’t even notice me.”

“ah, anni.” Yoona was embarrassed at the way donghae loosened himself up. “I just don’t notice you around, mianhe.”

I wrinkled my nose, trying to hide my laughter because donghae must have been feeling jealous towards his cousin.

“I’ll tell more about my cousin if you go out with me.” donghae said at once.

“aigoo, isn’t this too quick?” I interrupted him.

Donghae pursed his lips at yoona who was eternally confused.

“yah, yoona, forgive leeteuk’s cousin, he really has a bad mouth.” I said, bowing. “I’ll call you later to see if we have funds to order more plushies. Araso?”

“ne, unni.” Yoona bowed too. “kamsamnida.”

Yoona headed towards the main entrance while donghae looked at me, almost hurt.

“why did you send her away?”

“I wasn’t, you’re just too quick.” I said.

-----------------------

Park villa

 “hyung?” Kangin was surprised to see leeteuk at the kitchen area, sitting at the stool.

“kangin.” Leeteuk said, inviting him to seat.

Kangin looked at leeteuk as he invaded a position next to him, studying his movements.

“something on my face?” leeteuk inched his chin and tried to check if it was the culprit.

“you’re here.” kangin blurted.

Ryeowook broke the silence by placing a giant green tea shake infront of leeteuk.

“he’s eating here.” he said matter-o-factly. Ryewook had been fond of feeding leeteuk ever since the latter agreed on pretending to be his older brother.

“thanks.” Leeteuk placed the straw between his lips and started drinking.

“kyeopta.” Ryeowook gushed, staring at leeteuk in awe.

“I’m looking for your sister.” Leeteuk told kangin. “she missed her classes at the last period. I don’t know where she went. I think she’s ignoring me.”

“why would she ignore you?” kangin asked.

Leeteuk shrugged.

“I don’t know.” He said, partly hiding the fact about what happened to them last night. He knew taeyeon does not want others to know.

Leeteuk ushered the green tea shake next to kangin.

“you want to go out?” he told the two.

“where?” ryeowook tried not to sound excited. He hadn’t been out eversince he could remember.

“its kyu’s birthday.” Leeteuk said. “I’m introducing you to my friends.”

-----------------------

Cho condominium

 “Ah look who’s here.” eunhyuk was happy to see leeteuk infront of the door step. “annyeong.”

“I brought company.” Leeteuk said, referring to kangin and ryeowook.

Ryeowook clutched himself on leeteuk’s arm as the latter went inside.

“you got a nice place here.” ryeowook blurted.

“anni, its not mine its kyu’s.” eunhyuk flashed his gummy smile. “come inside, the guys are here too.”

“sungmin and donghae, are they here?” leeteuk asked.

“sungmin only, donghae will follow.” eunhyuk scratched his head. “I don’t know since when you started liking sungmin.”

“why shouldn’t I like him?”

“its just weird of you to invite persons you don’t even talk to before.” Eunhyuk said.

Leeteuk gently dragged ryeowook and kangin towards the living room where siwon, sungmin and kyuhyun were, playing to videogames.

“hey, you got company.” Kyuhyun said.

“happy birthday.” Kangin greeted. He didn’t know how to respond to a company of well fed kids.

“thanks.”

“this is ryeowook and kangin, taeyeon’s brother.” Leeteuk said as he and ryeowook sat next to each other on the spare white couch. Siwon, eunhyuk and kyuhyun immediately introduced themselves except for sungmin who already knew about the two since he frequently visited taeyeon during her long stay at the villa for having a casted arm.

“look for the kitchen, maybe you want to see it?” leeteuk told ryeowook.

“ne.” ryeowook stood up and headed towards the kitchen.

“kangin wants to play?” siwon passed the game controller to kangin who was more willing.

“what’s hyung’s gift for me?” kyuhyun asked leeteuk.

Leeteuk smiled and handed kyuhyun a key.

“what’s this?” eunhyuk almost spilled his milk.

“car key?” siwon chimed in.

“no.” leeteuk said.

Kyuhyun creased his brows and turned the silver key to the other side.

“kangnam.” He said. “you bought me a house at kangnam?”

“aren’t you starting a family soon?” leeteuk said. kyuhyun ran over towards him and gave a hefty embrace.

“love it.” kyuhyun smiled.

Leeteuk smiled too, but realized that he may not have the time to see kyuhyun starting his own family. He shook his head and tried to erase the thought.

“kyuhyun’s got a family already?” kangin was amused.

“he has a wife.” Leeteuk answered for him. “seohyun, where is she?”

“at the kitchen, preparing food.” Kyuhyun passed the other video game controller to eunhyuk.he turned towards the area where ryeowook went a while ago. “seo, honey, see your oppas.”

Seohyun appeared from the kitchen, removing her apron.

“wookie oppa immediately helped me prepared beef stew.” She said in a delightful tone. “ah, too many oppas, I should start inviting girl friends too.”

“you should be.” Kyuhyun circled an arm around her waist. “you need to have godmothers.”

“we’re planning to have a baby within a year.” Seohyun explained as leeteuk felt more uncomfortable towards the future. “I’m not going to continue my studies anymore since there is a pharmacy to look after anyways.”

“there really is so much to envy on you guys.” Eunhyuk sighed. Leeteuk looked at him and laughed.

“if you’re talking about starting a family with hyo, you have to pass to me first.” He said, pointing a finger.

“hyung, I’m already your childhoodfriend, isn’t it that you have to be more bias?”

“the more that I should be careful.” Leeteuk said.

“how about siwon, he needs kangin hyung’s permission.” Eunhyuk said, trying to get the situation more complicated.

Leeteuk looked at kangin who shrugged his shoulders in response.

“I’m okay with siwon.” Kangin said, making siwon’s lips almost reach his ears.

“aigoo, that’s so unfair.” Eunhyuk pouted.

leeteuk watched as eunhyuk tried poking siwon with a game controller.

“hyung, if you’re not comfortable with this topic we could switch.” Kyuhyun noticed his saddened expression. Leeteuk raised his palm and signaled its alright.

He chose to repel his medications, and all of them knew, much to their disappointment. Isn’t this what he wanted for the longest time? But after seeing his friends talk about their futures, and watching kyuhyun and seohyun look each other lovingly in the eyes. He couldn’t help but to look back on his decision.

-----------------------

Park Villa

Leeteuk looked at his watch and sighed. Taeyeon, according to Kangin, was not yet home. he had been standing next to her room, waiting for her. almost midnight, yet no signs of taeyeon around.

“hyung you should sleep.” Kangin passed by taeyeon’s room too. He had been in charge of turning all of the villa’s lights, as people are already asleep.

“did you text her?” leeteuk asked kangin. The latter nodded.

“she’s not replying.” He said, turning off the hall lights. “usually she’s like that when she’s thinking of something.”

“thinking of something.” Leeteuk was thinking too. Supposed what taeyeon was really thinking about? Ignoring him?

“hyung, if I were you I will try to talk to her again.” kangin suggested.

“I will.”

“can I ask you something? I’m just curious.” Kangin said, pulling leeteuk’s wrist inside taeyeon’s room.

“why are we here?”

Kangin ignored his question and showed to him taeyeon’s purple diary. The recent entry, was about him.

“my sister loves you so much.” Kangin said, toning his voice down as leeteuk read the contents. “I didn’t mean to read it, it was really opened when I passed by her room. and earlier I saw your face when your childhood friends were talking about starting a family.”

Leeteuk looked at kangin in a surprised manner. He must have been observing him all the time. The actions he made at kyuhyun’s birthday, confused him too. Leeteuk glanced once again at taeyeon’s handwriting with droplets of dried water that almost smeared the whole page.

I love him, but I need to love myself too

“hyung, I’m just wondering.” Kangin said. “are you inlove with my sister too?”

If only he loves me, I can take care of him

“in love with taeyeon?” leeteuk asked kangin, his brows creased at the sudden thought. he touched his heart, and felt the usual non rhythmic jolts. The jolts, he would usually feel every time taeyeon would hug him, hold his hand whenever a sudden joke enters her mind, the intensity he felt when their lips touched.

Leeteuk had only realized that the sudden jolts he felt, was not of a cardiac disorder.

-----------------------

Seoul Cemetery

Taeyeon lighted a candle on Ga-in’s grave.

“unni.” She bowed, paying respect.

“I came here because I want a talk.” She said, sitting down.

“do you know how much I envy you?” she huffed, fixing her skirt towards the grass that dampened her legs. Taeyeon didn’t know whether its proper to say such things to a dead person. But it seemed like Ga-in was just around the corner for her. she did envy him, to the fact that Leeteuk had loved Ga-in more than his existence. Leeteuk had always been thinking about Ga-in, and such commotion produced a great pang to her.

“I’ve been inlove with your boyfriend ever since I could remember and I hate the fact that he wanted to die more than to be with the persons who care so much for him.” She said, pounding her fist gently to the grass. The dewey mist of the midnight and the eerie air of the cemetery didn’t even create a reaction for her as she was so focused on talking to Ga-in.

“unni, is this what you call love, letting him follow you? You should help me too.” Taeyeon said matter-o-factly. “because I am here to be with him. I want to take care of him. And didn’t you know that I found him first than you? If only I can change time, I could have been the one he met when he was battling with surgeries.”

“not to say that I am better than you but can’t you see what you’ve done to him?” taeyeon cannot help but to let her tears flow. “you’ve brainwashed him, all he can think about is following  you. And I envy you so much because here I am existing in his life and he does not even give a single care.”

Taeyeon crossed her arms from the sudden wind that embraced her body.

“unni, just this once.” She said, clasping her hands in plea. “please help him.”

“help me to what?” said a voice.

------------------------

Taeyeon’s POV

I turned around and saw leeteuk behind me, staring at me with a confused expression in the eyes.

“what are you doing here?” I asked, alarmed. I stood up and scratched my head, partly because I was really in shock and scared that he heard me and my sentiments.

“I’m supposed to ask you the same.” Leeteuk replied. Since when he was situated behind me earlier? I didn’t even hear footsteps approaching the grave.

I wiped my tears with a fist as leeteuk stood next to me, watching ga-in’s grave.

“I just need to talk to her because of your insanity.” I said truthfully. Funnily, Ga-in unni must have been witnessing this right now.

“you, why are you here?”

“I need to talk to her about my insanity too.” Leeteuk said, crossing his arms from the bad weather. It was really windy, and I knew how much it affects him. But he just stood there not minding it a single bit.

I quickly reached for the candle light that almost died out because of the wind.

“I’ll go if you want to have a time alone—“

“no, you stay here.” leeteuk said.

Sometimes, leeteuk’’s dictatorship can even tame me.

He stood there in silence for a couple of minutes, closing his eyes. leeteuk in this moment, was now talking to her, the usual routine he would do everytime he’s with her.  I wished that I could have heard a single thing, but interrupting leeteuk’s momentum with my interruptive behavior, might alarm him.

He opened his eyes.

“I’m supposed to ask what you just said to her but it will be snooping so I’m shutting my mouth.” I said, cannot hide the fact that I’m still this way.

“you really want to know?”

“well if you couldn’t share it, its fine with—“

“I told her that I will be staying here to her true request.” He said.

I cringed my brows.

“I don’t get it.” I said.

“I need to stay because there’s someone here who needs me as much as I need her.” he said, looking at me.

“need?”

“to need because you love, have you heard of that taeng?” leeteuk asked.

“the opposite of otherwise, because it really talks about love.” I stared at him back.

Leeteuk nodded.

“I’m talking about you.” He said.

I… I don’t know what to say.

“what?”

Leeteuk paced two steps to my direction until he was almost twelve inches away from my trembling body.

“I frequently visit the hospital than having dates, I drink more medicine than anybody else, I cannot go the beach and stay at the sun, I cannot kiss for more than five minutes, I cannot have frequent dates because I’m allergic  to dust particles, I don’t eat a lot, I have a bad sleeping habit because of my cardiac rhythm. Can you still love me despite of my shortcomings?”

“what are you talking about?” i said, biting my lip. “do you still think that I am more focused at your weaknesses?”

I inched myself more to leeteuk and smiled, with a twinkle in the eye glittering from the mixed emotions I just felt.

“we can have a date at the hospital, I can drink vitamins while you drink your medicine, you don’t need a beach because you have a house pool, we can have frequent dates to places without pollution, we don’t have to eat a lot because I’m dieting, I can stay up all night to talk to you before you sleep, and I can kiss you from time to time even if it only takes seconds.”

“I cannot stay close to butterflies as much as you want to be with them.” Leeteuk pouted as I touched his cheek.

And he still has the time to think about my favorites.

“I don’t need butterflies. Mickey mouse and leeteuk are both fine.” I grinned.

“in a cemetery, and you still accept my confession.”

“death just do not do us to part.” I rationalized. “if you just let me take care of---“

“I’m sorry.” Leeteuk wrinkled his nose. “but I’m afraid that we have to take care of each other for the rest of our lives.”

“even if it aches my feet buying your medicines.”

“even if it aches my feet accompanying you to buy your clothes.” He sighed. “and make up.”

I cringe and lightly punched his stomach with my fist.

“so you do love me, huh?” I said, feeling my victory.

Leeteuk wrinkled his brows.

“who told you?”

“what?” I punched his stomach again, this time, a bit harder.

“ouch. Ouch.” He laughed, holding my hand. “yes, pretty little kissing bandit girl. I do”

“what kissing bandit are you----“

Leeteuk placed a peck on my lips.

“we're the same now. I think?” he said. I smiled and threw my arms around this guy, amidst of the wind rustling towards the grass, and the graves of all dead silently witnessing our bliss.