Autumn, 1991

Leeteuk’s POV

It rained.

Sunday afternoon, and the metallic colored sky must have been accompanying me and my siblings as we stare at the black coffin being buried by heaps of wet clayish soil and rain. I stood beside my noona of three years, the eight year old Inyoung, who sobbed silently while holding my hand. its been a week since our mother’s burial. And there she was, finally at peace inside her own grave. My mother died, battling a con heart disease and a heart attack, in which my siblings weren’t informed what exactly was the cause. Only we know, that it cannot be helped, and we cannot do something about it.

The priest, after saying some words I cannot even understand, made his final blessings, and all the people present threw in their favorite flowers. I was looking for my own father, who was just beside me when people started to gather. I didn’t know where he was at the moment, only I remembered him ushering a woman who approached him minutes before the ceremony.

“can you look for appa?” inyoung asked me. three year old hyoyeon was being carried by our nanny, and she was just there watching the whole scene with innocence and purity.

“okay.” I said back. I didn’t have a choice, it looked like people are in need of my father’s last words.

I squeezed myself to the crowd and benefitted as my size was right enough to pass small spaces. I battled with the heavy rain, only wearing a cap and a large coat, which my mother bought for me just last year. I looked for our father who was still missing at such an important chapter of our lives.

I splashed my feet gently to the muddy grass, making my way to the parking area of the cemetery. Good thing I remembered where we dropped off. I know that father likes talking to people in parking lots, he was a private person, and everybody must have known. I know too, because he would always bring me there when he was meeting persons himself.

I walked closer and found father standing beside our car, surprisingly with the woman I just saw a while ago. The same woman who wore the red coat and a black hat. I hid at the back of another car beside ours, afraid that my father will see me. I didn’t know what was taking place, whether the woman was just comforting him by laying a hand on his back and rubbing it.

I saw father nodding and taking the woman’s hand into his own. And both stood, unaware, as they held hands under a shared black umbrella, battling the heavy rain.

I trembled. My knees felt weak and my heart thudded into non rhythmic jolts.

I collapsed.

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Seoul Hospital

Taeyeon’s POV

Our exams finished in a blast as the hectic week passed us like a speedboat. Every exam I had wasn’t that easy, but because I studied really hard, crammed all the things I needed to remember, I somehow finished the test a bit earlier than others. I was grateful that leeteuk even shared his notes with me just because I kept banging at his door, and he wouldn’t want such noise, so I get pretty all what I wanted.

Now was the second week, and second week of my friendship with him. Leeteuk and I were both scheduled to be in the hospital, my stitches are going to be removed, while he gets the results of his blood test. I parted first from him, since getting the stitches off would not take a while. I just said that I’ll follow him to doctor Song’s room to get to know about his results too.

his doctor by the way, knew me ever since I brought leeteuk to the hospital from his collapsing incident last month.

“see you.” I told leeteuk, who was heading for the elevator.

Getting stitches off a skin was pretty itchy and ticklish at the same time. I didn’t realize that the scar had formed a colloidal like structure, like a piece of of bump in the skin covered by a varnish or some shiny glue adherent on it. So I was given a healing cream for the wound to totally disappear or at least minimize the damage. I almost looked like a part of a gang, with a scar on the forearm, ready to go. I realized that leeteuk had a scar too, across his chest, and I was still somehow luckier. I heaved out a relief as the bandage I had for a week was removed.

I paid for my medicinal cream and headed towards the 8^th floor, where doctor song’s room was currently situated. Knocking on the door thrice didn’t offer any results so I just went inside.

And to my surprise, no one was there except the doctor and leeteuk who was sitting comfortably at the hospital bunk bed.

“oh, how was your arm?” doctor song blurted upon seeing me getting a space near the doctor’s table.

“good as new.” I said, showing him the scar. Leeteuk smiled and made deep breaths as the doctor’s stethoscope roamed around his back.

“now breathe more deeply.” Doctor song said. “hmm… breathe again.”

Its my first time watching leeteuk being checked upon by a doctor. It was like watching a personal medical show. Leeteuk must have been like this all the time, a part of his yearly life going to hospital to have himself checked.

Doctor song removed his stethoscope.

“I can hear some gurgling sounds.” He said as he began intertwining the cord of his gadget. “how many years have you been smoking again?”

“four.” Leeteuk said.

“you should quit that from now on.” Doctor song reminded him. “we don’t want you getting any lung problems for the meantime. And the alcoholic beverages too. One only for a day.”

“finally, someone telling him to stop.” I rolled my eyes.

“I knew him with this lifestyle but this kid’s not really listening to me.” doctor song chuckled as he reached out for a paper inside his drawer. “maybe you could help me, taengoo.”

“I surely will.” I said.

Doctor song placed the paper to leeteuk’s bare hands.

“this is the result of your blood test.” He said, pointing him to areas of the paper that must have explained cell counts. “your WBC count is getting larger than usual.”
“what’s the meaning of that?” I asked.

“well, its better if cell count stays on a given range.” Doctor song explained. “its threatening if it exceeds the normal cell count, it explains of an infection.”

I didn’t know that a large cell count above any normal range is fatal.

“so what do we do?” I asked, crossing my legs like a businesswoman. Leeteuk was about to say something but I cut him off.

“give more tests.” Doctor song said.

I cringe my eyebrows in response.  leeteuk the human guinea pig. I wanted him to detoxify but it looked like he’ll be extracted and injected with more chemical stuff.

“that’s normal.” Leeteuk said, reading my thoughts. How could these things be normal anyways?

“so what kind of tests?” I asked.

“its better to have all things tested in his body right now.” Doctor song said. “starting from the lumbar tap procedure.”

“what? Lumbar tap?” I blurted. I knew this kind of procedure. I saw this from the TV once and its very painful. A thick needle will be inserted to the lumbar area, above the pelvis of the back. Not a good sight.

Leeteuk just sat there blinking, as if it’s a very normal procedure for him.

“we have to check for more production of his cell counts.” Doctor song said. “so we’ll have a lumbar tap first to get rid of any diseases that may associate. I’m really getting worried at his blood supply. leeteuk has a very low blood pressure. And seeing this will make his heart pump more blood. the more work the heart makes, the larger it gets. And this is not ideal for someone with a heart disease. And the WBCs that can invade his damaged valves because the count exceeded the normal range. It will be better if we’ll have a tissue biopsy but---“

“but because he issued an affidavit there wont be anything that can touch his heart physically.” I said.

“yes, very good.” Doctor song said, amazed that I was quick to keep up.

“aigoo, park jungsu.” I looked at leeteuk helplessly but he was just expressionless, intertwining his hands above his lap.

“so, should we start?” doctor song asked leeteuk.

“okay.”

“wait, right now?” I butted in. I almost jumped to my seat upon hearing it.

“we have to get earlier results.” Doctor song blinked.

He took out a sterilized needle from his supplies and motioned leeteuk to arch his back, starting from raising his shirt on level with his scapula. Leeteuk’s bare body glowed from the white lights that casted a ray in his creamy white skin.

“kindly wait right there, taengoo.” Doctor song smiled at me as he drew the curtains, blocking my view.

I was so helpless, sitting here near the doctor’s table, not knowing what’s taking place. I cannot even see how the doctor performs the procedure, although I really wouldn’t want to see it that much. And what more of leeteuk? He didn’t look like he was afraid, that expressionless face he has. but everyone knows that the tap is painful.

I can hear leeteuk’s voice groaning in pain and it must have been the signal of the thick needle pressing onto his back. I couldn’t help but to cover my ears from time to time and be sorry for what he’s currently experiencing.

“when I told you to breathe out, begin to breathe out in an instant.” I heard doctor song muttered to him. “inhale first and take hold of your breath.”

“two more seconds.” Doctor song said gently. Leeteuk’s pained voice once again enveloped the atmosphere and I could see from the curtains that he was covering his eyes in an arched position, his hands curled into a ball.

“taengoo, are you okay right there?” doctor song called out. I could also see that he was slowly removing the needle from leeteuk’s back.

I shook my head in reply.

“I can’t wait til that’s over.” I said weakly.

“wait, I think I did a wrong procedure.”

“don’t kid on me.” I said through gritted teeth. Even leeteuk was chuckling at my statement, he must have been pitying me that I witnessed the event .

Doctor song opened the curtains and opted to draw out his gloves to the sink. I took this opportunity to walk towards the area where leeteuk is.

“are you okay?” I asked leeteuk who just sat in his still arched position, motionless. His lips were deep red in color upon the biting he had done to divert the pain.

“do I look like I’m okay?” he asked back, forcing a smile. His eyes were red too and he was probably fighting with his tear ducts to take an action.

I pursed my lips and took a seat beside him at the hospital bed, rubbing his back.

“you wait for a while until he gets better.” Doctor song said.

I raised leeteuk’s shirt and found a gauze already covering his lumbar tap. The betadine solution dampening the cloth was very visible even out of the gauze area.

“the needle was very thick.” I blurted at leeteuk when I saw doctor song checking the material. “you were like the cork from a wine bottle being opened by a cork screw.”

“you’re so weird to imagine that.” was his only reply.

“but it looks that way.” I said. I was trying to make him laugh, and he does chuckle a bit, although he would occasionally bite his lip when he experiences pain piercing at his back.

Suddenly, a very bright idea popped into my mind.

“I know what’ll we do next.” I said, raising a finger. Leeteuk stared at me confused.

“you’ll see later.” I winked at him.

----------------------------

Sweets Shop

“since you were very brave to undergo the procedure, I’m treating you to a sweets shop.” Taeyeon beamed and was so proud of herself by thinking of the idea. The sweets shop at seoul was one of the places she had worked when she was still living at the slums and the aroma of fresh baked bread, sugar, and fruits lingered to her as a nostalgic experience.

She circled an arm around leeteuk’s and gently assisted the helpless out-patient to the counter.

“what do you like by the way?” taeyeon asked, reading the signboard atop of the serving nook.

Leeteuk’s eyes scanned around the menu and shrugged.

“I haven’t tried anything here.” He looked innocently at taeyeon.

“hmm..” taeyeon thought aloud. “maybe you should take a seat over the couch, I’ll just order for you.”

“okay.”

Leeteuk headed for the couch at the farthest edge of the shop and rested his back on the soft cushion to alleviate the still-lingering pain at his back. He would probably be buying pain relievers at Kyuhyun’s pharmacy later.

A group of teenage girls were looking next to him at the table, whispering words that he could not understand.

“yah oppa.” One of the girls in shoulder length hair and bangs looked at his direction.

Leeteuk had looked around his area before realizing that the girl was really speaking to him.

“oppa wants a companion?” the girl asked.

Leeteuk cleared his throat and looked outside the shop. Good thing there was a large glass window that enabled him to divert his attention to the passing people outside.

“oppa’s shy.” Said the other girl with blue highlights. “oppa, you’re so cute. Can we have your number?”

“tell your number instead.” Said the other girl in a ponytail.

Leeteuk tried glimpsing  at taeyeon but she was so immersed with ordering their food.

“oppa.” Said the shoulder length haired girl. “555-3245, got it, ne?”

“555-9383”

“555-8739”

“555-4332”

Leeteuk sighed and unconsciously fixed the side of his hair, pretending he didn’t hear. but what he’s unconsciously doing produced more chaos.

“oppa, what’s yours?” they all asked, giggling.

Leeteuk closed his eyes and immediately had it opened upon a sound of quick steps and a tray slamming his table.

“yah.” Taeyeon looked at the girls. “what are you, talking to someone you don’t even know?”

“get out.” She waved.

“aish.” Taeyeon sat opposite leeteuk and pushed a plate of crepe to his direction.

“thank you.” Leeteuk said.

“didn’t they even know that I was with you?” taeyeon shook her head in disbelief as the teenage girls made faces at her upon exit. “girls nowadays, really liberated.”

“says the girl wearing skimpy shorts and sneakers.” Leeteuk said, referring to her.

“aigoo.” Taeyeon consciously fixed her shorts. “I’ve been wearing this since middle school so it kind of shrinked when I grew.”

“attracts attention.” Leeteuk said.

“bwo, who would even look?” taeyeon laughed. “I grew up wandering around the streets, and nothing major ever happened to me.”

Leeteuk shrugged and stared at his food amusingly.

“I don’t know. you have nice legs.” He said. “what’s this?”

“that’s vanilla yoghurt crepe with kiwi.” Taeyeon said. “its good for you because its low calorie and low fat. Plus the kiwi is an antioxidant, detoxifies your system that’s too contaminated.”

Leeteuk nodded and took his first bite.

“sour?” taeyeon smiled, seeing his reaction. “only on the first taste. You’ll get used to it.”

“what’s yours?”

“mint choco chip ice cream sandwich.” Taeyeon said, removing the wrapper. “nice huh?”

“feed me.” leeteuk ordered.

“aigoo.” Taeyeon mouthed but let her friend take a bite.”how was it?”

“minty.”

“ duh, that’s why its called that way.” Taeyeon snapped, slapping the back of his hand. Leeteuk smirked and took out his phone. the white light of his phone immediately casted a glow on his eyes like a pair of stars twinkling at midnight. 

“donghae.” He muttered, helping himself to another piece of his crepe.

“what did he text?” taeyeon inquired.

Leeteuk cleared his throat again.

“um, nothing?” he teased, texting back.

“you’re really enjoying making fun of me.” taeyeon rolled her eyes. “I hate you.”

“thank you.”

“can’t you be nicer to me at least?” taeyeon said. “were friends anyways.”

“I am being nice to you.” Leeteuk said matter-o-factly. He placed the phone back to his pocket and stared at taeyeon with a serious expression. “hey.”

“booya?”

“you and donghae.” He said gently. “you said one month.”

“ne.” taeyeon said, taking a bite  of her sandwich. “only one month of dating, why ask?”

“how come?”

“how come?” taeyeon thought about it too. “well, you know donghae, we kind of clash in opinions. I am more of a future thinker than him. And the guy is really possessive.”

Leeteuk nodded and shifted his gaze outside.

“it could have worked out at least.”

“bwo?” taeyeon laughed. “we’ve moved on, it’s a mutual break up. And he immediately dated two days after that. I really cannot believe you were cousins. I didn’t know he was affiliated to the rich.”

Leeteuk carefully crossed his legs to avoid causing his back a pain.

“he ran away.” he said. “didn’t want father’s idea of him taking a business course.”

“that’s what he said too.” Taeyeon said through a spoonful. “that he was forced to things he didn’t like.”

“I didn’t catch up with him that much ever since ga-in’s death.” Leeteuk said blankly.

Taeyeon stopped eating. She was surprised at leeteuk’s sudden confession about ga-in. she didn’t know whether it’ll be right for her to inquire again but she seemed so interested right now to know more about the details. She wasn’t even an agent, it was probably due to their growing friendship that pushed her to ask.

“you and ga-in.” taeyeon said. “can I ask?”

Leeteuk ushered her to speak more.

“how many years?” taeyeon asked, referring to their relationship.

Leeteuk gracefully swallowed a piece of crepe before continuing.

“five years.” He said. “I was fifteen.”

“that’s really a long one.” Taeyeon said, amused. “it could have been ten years.”

“could have been.” Leeteuk repeated. “that is a killer.”

“sorry.” Taeyeon mouthed, looking down.

Leeteuk inhaled a deep breath.

“you want to visit her?” he asked taeyeon.

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Cemetery Park

Taeyeon watched as leeteuk placed a bouquet of white roses on his former girlfriend’s grave.

“the place, smells nice.” She said, trying to make a conversation.

Han Ga-in’s grave, resembled a usual tombstone, bright shiny gray stone with engravings that mentioned her as an understanding daughter, a bubbly girl friend and a thoughtful friend. Leeteuk sat down the grass and stared in the grave in silence, as if talking to her, the wind seeping in through his dark brown hair, causing a delicately beautiful mess.

“annyeong, ga-in unni.” Taeyeon waved, raising her palm. She knew it would be awkward to say anything, but even leeteuk acknowledged her presence and nodded to her greeting.

Taeyeon covered the left candle from being hit by the rasping wind.

“she was so young, at 23.” She mused, daunted by the age of ga-in’s stay at the earth. It was the same age as tiffany’s, and he couldn’t imagine her sister being taken away by such a young age.

“she would be 28 by this time.” Leeteuk said.

“like inyoung unni, yes.” Taeyeon nodded too.

Leeteuk seemed surprised at taeyeon’s sudden information about his siblings but nonetheless, she was a former agent and she could have known this as a basic information.

“you guys must have been happy, being with each other.” Taeyeon noticed.

Leeteuk ran a hand on ga-in’s tombstone and sighed.

“she’s my life.” he whispered.

“ne.” taeyeon agreed too.  Everything seemed in connection with each other, with leeteuk mentioning ga-in as his life, and the refusal to undergo the knife. Everything in leeteuk’s present life is a silent suicide.

“you were probably a sweet guy back then.” She thought aloud. If leeteuk at five years, still visited a former girlfriend’s grave, then he must be a real one-woman-man person.

“leeteuk.” Taeyeon muttered. “I know I shouldn’t bring this topic but… I want to know if, are you really that suicidal?”

“suicidal?” leeteuk looked through her eyes, reading her thoughts.

“well.” Taeyeon bit her lip. “I knew about you issuing an order not to get surgeries, and you being in this ridiculous lifestyle that can really affect your body. Its just…its weird. Because people are worried a lot about you and here you are looking like you want to kill yourself slowly.

“I look that bad huh?” leeteuk blurted through the awkward silence.

“I don’t mean to say that way.” Taeyeon said. “but you have your father, your sister, hyoyeon, your friends. Its meaningless to end life.are you even sure that you’ll meet ga-in unni in heaven by being that way?”

Leeteuk closed his eyes.

“I am sorry, I shouldn’t have brought this topic.” Taeyeon said.

“how much do you know about me?” leeteuk opened his eyes.

Taeyeon bit her lip.

“ a lot.” She answered. “just a lot. Why?”

“then you probably know why I’m doing this.” Leeteuk said.

Taeyeon nodded in disappointment. Leeteuk must have really acknowledged ga-in as a higher being than anybody else. She didn’t know why, but she felt her heart being stabbed at such thoughts.

“are you contented with your life, taeng?” leeteuk suddenly asked.

“i—“ taeyeon cringe her brows. “I haven’t achieved what I wanted to achieve yet.”

“like?” leeteuk gently picked grass leaves and watched as the wind carried them away.

“graduating college, seeing my siblings get a family of their own someday.” She smiled. “and I haven’t found my treasure yet.”

“treasure?”

“treasure.” Taeyeon nodded. “the most precious person on earth, that cannot be replaced by anything, not even by money, which I secondarily love.”

“your other half.” Leeteuk said.

“yes my other half.” Taeyeon seemed to shiver at the word. “do you know what’s my greatest ambition?”

“girls always dream of being on top.” Leeteuk said. “I don’t know yours.”

“my greatest ambition.” Taeyeon said. “is to be a wife and a mother.”

“that’s a simple ambition.” Leeteuk noticed.

“people nowadays, don’t even seem to acknowledge wife and mothers as the most greatest being.” Taeyeon said, embarrassed at her sudden confession. “I just want to live my life simply, be the most caring mother, be the most loveable wife to a person i love. Just imagining of that perfect guy who would understand me--.”

Taeyeon seemed taken aback by the word “understand” because of leeteuk’s image flashing on her mind.

“you suddenly seemed lost.” Leeteuk said.

taeyeon laughed and erased her thoughts.

“can I ask you a question?”

“hmm?”

“is there a chance that you would willingly date a girl someday?” taeyeon asked.

Leeteuk was surprised at her own inquiry.

“why, are you applying?” he teased.

“what if I am?” taeyeon asked back.

“I’m not the best there around.” leeteuk said.

“you’re a straight A student, rich, handsome, full of wits, tall, etc. who wouldn’t date you?” taeyeon asked as she threw small shredded grasses on his lap.

Leeteuk’s dimple showed through a smile upon his reaction at her remarks.

“no one would want to date a sick guy.” He said.

“as if they are going to think about that.” she replied.

“oh but they will.” Leeteuk said. “once they see me going in and out of the hospital for medications instead of going to their romantic dates.”

Taeyeon pouted and slapped his lap.

“you’re putting yourself down too much.”

“am i?” leeteuk shrugged. “its just reality.”

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Park Villa, Study Hall

Taeyeon’s POV

Leeteuk cannot believe his own eyes as he took time browsing through the pink notebook that I gave.

“fallen angel’s fan’s club.” he read.

“this is real?” he laughed sarcastically.

I poked him in the head for such a statement.

“do I look like I’m kidding?” I said. leeteuk and I were both discussing our social science project at the study hall, sitting at the long Spanish narra table with many artistic wooden chairs around. We were taking a break from the evening discussion when I suddenly mentioned about the existence of his fan’s club. He was really surprised that such a thing happens in real life.

“Jessica jung, im yoona and choi sooyoung, the president, VP and sec.” I continued, giving leeteuk the pictures that jessica sent through MMS. Leeteuk looked through the pictures with an expressionless stare.

“what do you think?” I asked.

“what?” he asked back.

Aigoo… sometimes leeteuk would really knock the hell out of me for being such a numb person.

“they wanted to see you at the school tomorrow, will you see them?” I asked as leeteuk motioned to flip the pages of his notes.

“why?” he asked.

“because they’re fans, aish.” I said through gritted teeth. Leeteuk stole my fan club notebook and smiled.

“treasurer, kim taeyeon.” He read.

“I’m just an additional.” I blushed, taking the notebook away.

“you’re my fan?” leeteuk asked me.

“bwo—anni.” I said. “I was just forced since I was spying on you that time.”

“treasurer then.” Leeteuk nodded, gazing at his notes instead.

“so, will you see them?” I asked again.

Leeteuk pushed his rectangular framed glasses above his perfectly shaped nose and continued writing what he had started on his notebook.

“miss, we have a huge deal to talk about the project.” He said. “please focus.”

He placed a paper in front of me, indicating my tasks. About ten small boxes to the left of the paper remained unchecked.

“this is torture.” I gaped. Leeteuk looked at the tasks too and smiled.

“its going to be fun.” He said.

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