I avoided Woohyun.

There were too many mixed signals, too much awkwardness and too much confusion every time we were together. I was tired, too. Tired of overanalyzing every little thing he did, tired of trying. I tried my best to keep up with him; after that dinner party at his house, which seemed like a whole year ago, we were on speaking terms again, but there was always that looming cloud of oppression that we weren’t going out, but we weren’t friends either.

For a month, I attended all of his football games with Hanbyul. Just like old times. We would hang out in the stands, secretly checking out the players on the other team while also cheering the guys on. Every time Woohyun held the ball, my heart leapt a bit in my chest. I think it leapt because for a fleeting moment, I remembered he was mine. The person on the field that dominated the game was my boyfriend, who had endured so much with and for me. We had gone through our senior year of high school together, and if that didn’t break us, then, truthfully, or perhaps naively, I didn’t know what would.

As I bit my lip to force a smile, another thought caused my heart to leap in my chest, now for a different reason altogether. I remembered painfully that he was not mine anymore, and that secret smile I always thought was for me was now for someone else. That special look he had in his eye that I always fantasized was something just for me now was something else of a different kind for another girl.

I guess I was just past that point of raw, aching pain. I wasn’t numb, but nor was I hurting.

We both stopped trying to be something we weren’t. Sometimes, I would sneak a glance at Woohyun as we passed each other on campus at university. Sometimes, I would make eye contact with him that caused my heart to go all funny again, but it was all wasted. I had stopped clinging to that caring boy I had met in a high school chat room over a year ago, and he had forgotten about the insecure, lonely girl he met as part of a social experiment by our school. He forgot the times we bonded over everything we shared in common. I guess he had also forgotten the times we helped each other out in difficult situations.

I tried to forget. But I couldn’t. I had never told anyone so much about myself nor revealed so many things I kept so close to my heart to anyone else. I didn’t know what to expect, but his reaction was everything I expected. His love, his affection for me was something I knew I didn’t deserve.

Everything happens for a reason. This quote I truly believed, and I find it quite ironic that that was what Woohyun told me on our last day of high school – our last real day together as a couple. Now, because of him, I had changed. I wasn’t so afraid of what other people thought of me – although that insecurity and fear would always be there – but it had dimmed down and taken less priority in my persona. People judged other people by their looks, but now from experience I could draw that those people were shallow and weren’t worthy of your time if you wanted their attention anyway. People who valued things that were skin deep would prove to be greater friends in the end.

Is it also ironic that when I began to avoid Woohyun, I began to take greater care of my physical appearance? I figured, in some twisted way in my mind, that what I was thinking constantly didn’t have to manifest upon how I showed myself to other people. If I held my shoulders straighter, they wouldn’t take me for a fool and someone who was unconfident and afraid.

It took a while to get me going into a routine that differed from my normal washing face, brushing teeth and straightening hair one.  I woke up earlier, went for a run, ate a healthy breakfast and took time to dress myself so that I could be at least satisfied that I tried my best.

It seemed the only thing I was holding together now was how I dressed myself. I felt more lonely than ever, and the only person I could really tell was further away from me than the other side of the football field, and that distance was slowly becoming infinite.