Warning: This chapter could possibly be triggering

Dear Paranoid,

I understand your concern for me. Honestly, I've been needing that extra time to myself which is why I haven't replied back to a lot of my messages. Like you guessed, I've been going through a difficult time lately. A friend of mine recently decided that he wasn't going to be a part of my life and I wasn't sure how I could accept such sudden news. It's quite a situation that I am in and oddly and ironically, I need advice myself. It had me even wonder whether I was even suitable to give answer to these anonymous people.

Perhaps, I might just stop this blog.

As for your problems with your friend that you like, you're being ridiculously dramatic. I'm not advising anything, but here's just a simple observation. It seems to me that you don't even want this person in your life despite how much you like her. Of course, I don't know much of the background of your story, but instead of watching from a distance and assuming... do something. You like her, yes? Why push her away? Why assume this? Why assume that? The real sin that you're committing is not taking the opportunity. You're letting every moment you can get with her slip by. 

She's with another person, but does that mean she likes him? For all you know, she might like you and you're not willing to hear it because you're scared of rejection. 

I'm sorry for not being actively lately, but like this reply, I've been writing back to people privately. 

Good luck with everything, and I hope you fix it all with your friend. 

Sincerely,

Tofu

"So, who's performing? Do you know?" Sehun asked Yoonhee. Throughout the day, he skipped a few classes so Yoonhee wouldn't be so along around school grounds. 

"Honestly, I don't know. I heard he was a rookie from a foreigner country, but that's pretty much all I heard," she answered and shrugged her shoulders.

The two walked into the auditorium together and took seats where ever was available. Not too far from them was Jongin in a seat nearby kids in from his school. You left Jongin long before the show, despite of how many Jongin had tried to convince you to skip for him. The whole place was buzzing with conversation until the lights dimmed and the host came out to introduce the performer. 

"Good evening, everyone. Today at Yonsei University, we have a very well organized performance today sponsored by Ying Liyin from Beijing's top dance academy. She has been awarded many awards as a professional dancer and decided to let South Korea be enlightened by her best student at her academy. Please give a round of applause for Lu Han!"

Hearing the name, Yoonhee looked over at Sehun. Both of them knew that name too well.

"He's the rookie?" Sehun arched a brow and returned the look at Yoonhee. 

She had no idea what to say, but just by the confusion in his voice, she could tell he wasn't liking this show already. It was true. He wanted to laugh because out of all the people that could be here at his school, it had to be him: your crush from high school.

"Class dismissed!"

You gathered your belongings off your desk, packing to go home. Evening classes were always best to avoid, but not doable for this semester for you. It was tiring since you had to communicate as well and just thinking about your long night routine gave you thoughts that going home wasn't even such a great idea. Tiring. It was all tiring and hard now. Everything took a great amount of time and effort, because nothing ever came easy to you anymore. It was all a drag and it couldn't bring yourself to think otherwise. Where did the positivity go? Where did all the motivation go? You didn't know. Even your blog felt like it could be on the verge of dying.

As you walked towards the front gate of campus, you noticed how dark it was compared to how bright it was before she came in the classroom, and your eyes had to be given a bit of time to get used to it. You looked at your watch to see that the show that all the performing art students attended had yet to start. For the last few week, no, months, you've been driving yourself away. It was already bad enough that you had lost one, perhaps you should stay by the other before he leaves too.

So, you turned your heels and worked yourself to the performing arts theater. You've been there once when Sehun had perform, but other than that one time being there, you hadn't had a clue to where it was exactly. It was brought to your attention to how little you knew your own campus other than your own department's building, campus complex, and areas that involved food (also a few places Sehun had a tendency to going). 

After wandering around for about ten minutes, you reached the athletic building hoping that a dance student (or any student that knew where the show was for that matter) would be scrolling around before the show. You headed towards the tenth floor for that was where all the dance studios were; luckily you remembered that from the few times Sehun dragged you to let you watch him practice. At the very end of the hallway, you noticed one room had the lights on and immediately made your way there. 

"Excu-" 

You were stunned to who you were looking at and what he were doing at the moment. "Luhan?" you blinked several times until you actually believed in your own eyes and then made a few steps closer, "Why are you trying to go through the window?" 

The male was equally as surprised as you. But you saw it; the glint in his eyes. They glossed clearly. Anyone with eyes can see the pain and sadness they carried. "Go away!" he shouted at you after he regained himself, "Just go!"

Your body was shaking from just seeing him sitting at the edge. This whole atmosphere was somehow recognizable. "Don't come near me. I'll jump," he threatened you.

"Honey, go watch TV downstairs. Mommy has to take care of something." 

Eyes widening, you opened your mouth. "Talk to me," your voice cracked, "Just tell me what's wrong."

With pouted lips, he shook his head. He didn't want to talk, but when his eyes weren't on you, you forwarded a few steps.

"It's-"

He stopped you before you could say the two words he hated hearing most. "It's not okay!" he yelled at her, "Nothing is okay!"

"Everything is okay. Mommy loves you."

"You're right," you admitted, "It's not okay."

He hinted interest in your words when you agreed. "It was never okay," you continued, taking a step closer, "Right?" He didn't say anything nor did he go with his words. He was too focused on your expression: your lips. The frown on your face was longer than his and somehow he could see so many more problems in you than he ever had in him. For a second, he wasn't so focused on how much he wanted to take his life. 

It only lasted for a second though.

"I said don't come near me," his voice softened.

"You'd jump whether I leave or not," you snapped back.

"Go away," a tad of anger and annoyance was clear in his voice. He was frustrated at her persistances 

You dared to take the step anyway, and he turned away from her and was on the verge to push himself off the ledge. Like your own life depended on it, your legs sprinted to him. Your arms were hugging his waist. His body was off the ledge already at least for a split second; with all your strength, you pulled him back.

"People love you!" you shouted, hoping that he would see how much he meant to people around him, "Don't struggle away! Let me help you!"

"You don't know me! You don't know what you're saying! Just let go! I need to go!" he kept on shouting.

"My life was nothing but irrelevance." 

Dragging in back inside, both of you were on the ground. You kept yourself connected to him though. You refused to let him go. you didn't want him to take his life. His continuous struggle and screaming and your panting sounded the empty room. "Luhan, you're relevant," you didn't shout, but you told him repeatedly, over and over again until he could hear you through his own shouting. 

He felt the grip around his waist tightening and the dampness against his shirt as he finally listened to the muffled words against his back. 

"Don't leave me," you said. And somehow, both of you had a feeling you weren't talking to Luhan.

It's been twenty minutes and Luhan had not came out on stage yet. There were a few small dance performance, but by the third one, everyone had a feeling something had occurred for him to not show up by this time.

"He lacks responsibility," Yoonhee commented for Sehun to hear, "Can't believe Bora liked a guy like him."

The host came out with a worried facial expression before he was to say or react to anything. "Um, it appears that there had been a mishap with Luhan and we will have to continue the show with his absences," she explained and continued with the written script to introduce the main event.

From Sehun's seat, he noticed the light from one of the seats that just happened to be Jongin, and his eyes followed when his dancer strutted his way out of the auditorium for what had seemed to be an emergency. "I'm going to the bathroom," he whispered to Yoonhee and followed Jongin out. Going with his instincts, he thought he should. When he got out, Jongin was pacing outside with his phone against his ear anxiously, and Sehun just watched him and stood there unnoticed by him. He wore such an anxiety and worried face as he waited for the call to answer. 

"Bora, what happened?" he raised his voice into the phone.

This really caught the blonde's attention. When your name was voiced, he was already interested to know more of whatever case this had been, especially if it had Jongin panicking. Although, just watching him made himself a tad bit more anxious.

"Talk slower and clearly. Take a few deep breaths," he advised her. 

Sehun was getting more and more curious as he can hear the amount of worry Jongin's words oozed out, and frankly he was also building up in nervousness. What had caused the relaxed Jongin he knew very well to struggle on his toes? And adding on to that, it was clear that the situation involved you. 

"Okay, Bora, I'm coming. Just stay there. Don't go anywhere," he emphasized before hanging up the call and was about to break into a sprint before Sehun grabbed his arm.

Jongin's eyes rounded at the blonde. "Sehun, I have no time to talk right now. Bora needs me," he took back his arm, but Sehun still wasn't making it easy for him to leave. 

"What's going on? Is something wrong with Bora?" 

"You kicked her out of your life! You don't have rights to ask!" he raised his voice. Not once has Jongin ever yelled at Sehun, but he was so desperate to get to you that he was getting frustrated with any obstacle in his way. 

"Just tell me!" Sehun shouted back despite of his initial shock. 

"Let go of me, Sehun. Otherwise, I'll make you let go," he sounded shaken, but nonetheless, Sehun knew he meant this words and let go as he asked. 

The blonde followed along as Jongin ran mindlessly, trying to find you. "Did she say where she was?" Sehun asked, clearly knowing that he was lost. 

"Look, Sehun, you're my friend, but you haven't exactly been showing it to either me or Bora the last few months. And-"

"If Bora is in trouble, just lecture me later. You know that I know this campus far better than you. Just tell me where she is and we can help her."

His mind wasn't clear. He was too blinded by the problem that he couldn't see that Sehun was on the side as him. That is until he was actually listening to Sehun and how unfairly right he was. "I tell you, but you can't show up in front of her. At least, not yet. Not until I talk to her," he negotiated.

"Fine, as long as she's safe," Sehun agreed.

"Bora is at the tenth floor in a dance studio. I don't know what building, but she just saved Luhan from committing suicide."

The room was filled with silence as the two of you waited for someone to come by. You made sure the window was shut and locked, at least that would give you enough time if Luhan had attempted to jump out again. You didn't trust to him if you were to leave him alone in this room to get some help, and leaving together could result in him running away from you. So, you held onto his hand.

Both of you were calm. Both of you had dry tears running down your pale cheeks. Both of you were emotionally and physically tired. 

"I saw you a few months ago at the airport," you were the first to talk, but he only sat there staring at the floor with his back against the wall and legs spread onto the ground, "Funny how fate can play."

His eyes twitched as he turned to his right, right at you, but your eyes were else where. "You think this is fate?" he could almost laughed at your assumption, "Do all girls read fairytales on the daily?"

You narrowed your eyes directly at him, but quickly calmed yourself down. Last thing you really wanted to do was trigger any sort of negative emotions at him. "Then, it must be a coincidence," you concluded, "An uncanny one."

"Why did you save me?" he asked.

"I wasn't going to let you make the mistake of taking your life," you mumbled, "So, please don't take it away."

At this point, you didn't want to see his face when you said that. You were afraid your words had meant nothing to him, but you really did know what type of situation he was in. "There's going to be that one person that will agonize over your death. Almost to the point where they too felt there was nothing left of them. They will feel responsible for not being that light you needed to get through the day," you told him, "I know that reasoning is quite centered on another and it's your life and decision, but you are relevant."

"You kept saying that. You repeated that over and over again until I heard you," Luhan commented, "Why? You hardly know me."

Your lips pressed into a straight line as your thumb unconsciously and gently caressed his. "I don't have to know you to know that you're important, I guess," you tried making an excuse, but honestly, you were hiding something.

His brow raised, not believing you. "I'm important?" he pondered on the thought as he eased his head against the wall, staring at the ceiling, "Is that really all to it?"

"I don't know why you want to die, but I won't let you," you placed your other hand over your intertwined one, "I'll jump with you if it meant that I could save you."

"You really know how to make an impression," he sighed and looked over at you, but yet again, you sat still, feeling his eyes on you.

"Can I ask you something?" you breathed in and finally made eye contact with him. 

Luhan nodded and smiled. You didn't understand how someone that is so damaged and broken can still bring himself to smile like that. Perhaps all the smiles you saw before on his face weren't real like this one. Or smiles aren't happiness to him. It's just some fake mask.

"What made you want to do it?" your breath hitched, "You don't have to say if you aren't ready. I just... want to know what could have happened to make you think that you're not relevant."

"Living isn't equivalent to relevance in one's lifetime."

"I don't understand," you furrowed your brows. 

"There are a lot of other reasons why someone would want to take their life away," Luhan explained, "Relevancy is not the one number nor is it the only reason why someone would try to die."

"Oh..." you sounded, "Then why then?"

"Some can be guilty of something. Some can be too stressed out. Some can't provide themselves to live. Some lack love. Some were bullied. The list can go on."

"Which one were you?"

"I guess, I'm a mixture of a lot."

"Let me help you," you offered, "Please."

Footsteps echoed from the hallway causing both of you to stare at the door. "It's your friend," Luhan announced and he was right. Jongin stormed right in and let out a deep breath of relief with you in sight. 

"Thank God," Jongin was on his knees tired from the whole search. 

"There's another," Luhan mumbled for you to hear.

Your looked to see a blonde headed tall male, waiting at the door. He said nothing, but he didn't bother to leave either. At the very least, you were happy to see he had another emotion other than hatred in his eyes when he looked at you: worry. "Sehun... came too?" you questioned it first. It could be possibly that it's too good to be truth that he came on his own. You of all people should know well how many invisibly daggers he wishes to send through your heart.

"Jongin had no idea where he was going," that was all he said.

Author's Note: I'm so sorry if this chapter is confusing. I wrote 3,000 words which is probably the longest chapter in this story. My eyes were deprived from sleep as well. Anyway, just so you guys know, Luhan is not a frequent character in this story, but I will agree  that he is a sort of supporting/relevant character(?) similar to how much Yoonhee is in this story. Maybe a little less, but definitely more than Gayoung. As for Baekhyun, although he's not in this chapter so much, please understand that he's a slow main character due to the lack of interaction he has in Bora's/your life overall. He's scared to trigger anything that can bring you into some sort of emotional state. Just because you don't see him too much, it doesn't mean he doesn't like you as much as Sehun does. Spoiler: I believe from now on, Baekhyun will be quite active in the story. As much as Sehun. As for Sehun, yeah, I want to slap this kid too. LOL. I apologize for his odd behavioral changes, but come on, imagine your crush knowing that you like them before confessing and feeling betrayed because your best friend knew but said nothing. Plus, he has Yoonhee as a big influence to his changes.

Anyway, I apologize if this chapter has brought you discomfort in anyway, shape, or form. Suicide is not a joke and it's a sensitive topic which is why I put a trigger warning in the beginning of the chapter. I know it's triggers are usually used for , abuse, and etc content at least on aff, but I think suicide is too and no one sense to put a warning when it involves that topic (js). 

Also, for my absences... sorry :( I made this chapter longer than usual to make it up to you guys!