Love is a crazy thing. It is not something you just feel, it is like a commitment to someone. Once you love someone, you feel committed to them. You also feel guilty of loving them. As if you do not deserve loving them. I have never fully realized what this meant, until someone confessed to me. No one had ever confessed their love for me, I made sure of that. I made sure that I was the least desirable person on the planet. I didn't want anyone liking me, much less love. I had been trying very hard for the past few years, isolating myself from people and shunning them away from me. However, I felt as though all that was a waste, someone had just recently confessed his love to me, and that someone was currently on my back.

I was piggybacking a drunk Youngjae home. After he made his confession to me, I was shocked. However, years of mastering the poker face had helped me maintain my emotions. He then silently went back to where the rest were and drank cup after cup of alcohol. I did not stop him as I knew the only way to escape reality was being drunk. Heck, even sleep would give you nightmares.

I sighed and hitched him up my back further. I refused to let anyone carry him as I respected his privacy. Who knew when he would start babbling everything out? I only hoped he was the type to forget everything after he was drunk... but the conversation was before that.

I grunted as I hitched him up even further. My back was starting to ache. Fortunately, our dorms were already within sight. In our room, I laid him on his bed and stood back. His eyes were close and his mouth was slightly open. His cheeks were tinged pink from all the alcohol. The state that he was in then made me feel strangely protective over him, like I didn't want him to get hurt at all. I knew it was impossible as I did not love him back and he would be greatly hurt by that. I thought back to when he told me that he wanted me trust him. I sighed and mentally made a note to myself to treat him better.

The next morning, I woke up and went to the dining table. Youngjae was already there and he looked up when I walked in. As soon as he saw who I was, his face flushed red and he dropped his gaze.

"Good morning," I greeted him.

He returned my greeting softly. He then quickly finished his bowl of cereal and went over to the wash basin to clean his plates. I went over to him and offered to clean his plates for him.

"It's okay, I can do them myself," he mumbled.

Yet, I did not give in, after much persuading, he gave me his plates and muttered his thanks. After that, he sped out of the room. I sighed as I cleaned his plates. So this was what was going to happen between us. I knew since yesterday that things were going to be awkward between us. I shook my head, I was not going to allow it. Our friendship was going to remain just as it was. Wait... Did I just say friendship? I smiled and mentally slapped myself, yesterday must have affected my head really bad.

"What are you smiling at?" a grinning Himchan walked into the kitchen, followed by Junhong and Jongup.

I scowled at him and put Youngjae's plates in the cupboard. After that, I hastily went out of the room so that I did not have to endure the pain of seeing his face.

That evening, all of us were summoned to the president's office. We were told that he had something very important to tell us. I could not think of anything as important as our group debut. Seemed that I was right. Mr Park told us that we had to settle whatever problems we were having right then and concentrate on our debut. He told us that he had a whole bunch of promotional activities lined up for us and that he had already schedule a time for us to release our new album. At first, I was panicking, I could not think of a time when we were less bonded, what with Youngjae avoiding me and all. To be honest, I felt a little lonely without his usual company.
However, the odds were against my favor as the rest agreed on the sudden debut. Mr Park then told us that apart from the debut, he had three other important line-ups he had for us and that we were to prepare for it as soon as possible. First was our debut showcase. After we had released our album, we would have to attract thousands of people to our showcase. It seemed impossible but Mr Park told us that he would make it happen as he had us signed up for a variety show. Which brought us to the second important event; we were to host SBS's variety show 'Ta-dah! It's BAP!' The first episode was to be released right after our debut. We were to discuss with the team producers and directors how we were going to run the show.

And as if publicizing ourselves through a variety show was not enough, we also had to think of a new marketing strategy. One that no other company had thought of. Mr Park told us that he was to do the brainstorming in this area but we were welcome to provide suggestions anytime. After that, we were dismissed and we went back to our dorm, silent with the weight of all the burden and expectations heavy on us. I could sense there was a slight panic in the air. How were we supposed to do all these in such a short amount of time?

Without wasting any more precious time, Yongguk gathered all the members in the living room and began to talk seriously.

"Now, I know our group isn't the best we can hope for right now what with the sudden addition of a member and the awkward tension between us but I would greatly appreciate it if you could cooperate. I know this has been hard for some of you as you're trying to fit in, even though it's minimal effort, but our debut is coming up in a few months. It's now or never and I'm sure the only reason why we're putting up with each other is that we all want to debut as singers am I right?"

I could see this speech was directed to me. Nevertheless, I did nothing to acknowledge it. Seeing that I did not react, Yongguk stopped beating around the bush and went straight to the point.

"Yah, Daehyun ah. Can't you at least try to be sociable? We're gonna be spending our future with one another and if you're not gonna try to be friendly, then I really don't know what to do with you. We could kick you out of the group if that's what you want but why bother joining in the first place?"

I remained silent and stared out of the window into the sky. Even though I perfectly heard what Yongguk said, I made no intention in replying his statement. Starting to get annoyed, Yongguk attempted to lecture me again.

"Try to get along with us please..I'm begging you.. It'll not only help you, but us too. I thought you were going to change when I saw you and Youngjae hanging out the other day but that didn't seem to last long. What happened between the two of you? Did you guys fight or something?," he looked over at Youngjae who only flushed.

Not wanting the topic to stray there, I quickly spoke up, "Fine, hyung. I'll try but I'm not gonna guarantee you any success." Great. I just sacrificed my pride for you Youngjae. I hope you're happy, I grumpily thought.

"Excellent! So erm... well... that's it..." Yongguk was startled at my response. Clearly he did not expect me to give in so easily.

Yongguk, Himchan, Jong Up and Junhong left the room to have some Chinese food at a nearby Chinese restaurant, which left me and Youngjae in awkward silence. Youngjae was looking anywhere but in my direction. When I could not bear the silence any longer, I sighed and spoke up.

"Why are you avoiding me?"

Still keeping his eyes averted, Youngjae responded, "I thought I was obvious."

"What is?" I asked irritably. I was getting sick and tired of his games and I wanted to know why he was avoiding me like the plague.

"I thought... after that night... you wouldn't want to be near me anymore..." Youngjae kept his head down and fiddled with his thumbs.

Now this shocked me. Why would I not want to be near my friend? (Okay so maybe I'd accepted him as a friend) I voiced it out to him.

"Because... I told you... that... that..."

"You like me?" I completed Youngjae's sentence for him, "Is that what you think? That if I knew you like me, I would hate you?"

Youngjae finally looked up, "Isn't that what you feel towards me? Don't you hate me?"

"No," I said softly and gave a sigh of relief. So that was what had been bothering him. I added, "It doesn't matter if you like me or not. I'm still going to be your friend."

After I said those words, I knew it was a mistake. Youngjae burst into tears.

I asked, "Wae, Youngjae ah?"

Youngjae replied, while choking on his tears, "Nothing... it's just that... You saying that we're friends makes me happy yet sad at the same time," he looked at me with a grimace, "I'm happy because you've finally acknowledged me as your friend yet, at the same time, I'm sad because I know that's what we'll always be... friends. I know I can't possibly dream... or even imagine of us being together but a small part of me still hopes for it. I'm sorry, Daehyun ah... I know you can never return my love for you and it's hurting me," more tears streamed down his cheeks. "it's hurting me so bad..." his face was scrunched up in pain. Even though I could not see the wound, I know that I have cut him bad, hurting him emotionally.

Slowly, I moved towards him and hugged him tightly, letting his chin rest on my shoulder. The gesture seemed to shock and comfort him at the same time, and for the next fifteen minutes, he was bawling on my shoulder. Frankly, I felt guilty for hurting him. I knew there was never a chance between us yet a part of me chided myself for not pretending to like him... No, I shook my head. That would be deceiving him and it would only hurt him further.

Youngjae finally let go of me and he raised his head up to meet my eyes. "Thanks, I really needed that. Sorry for your shirt."

My shirt was soaked all the way to my chest but that was the least of my problems.

"Are you okay?" I asked and without waiting for him to answer, I launched into a deep and sincere apology." Youngjae ah... I'm really sorry I can't accept your feelings. I know this is hurting you but I thought you should know. I don't want to keep hurting you so I suggest that you try to stop liking me," I raised my tone when I sensed that he was going to interrupt. "I know it seems impossible right now but just try... Try to see me more as a... friend rather than a lover. Maybe I can help you, but to do that, you have to play your part as well."

Youngjae nodded his head.

I continued, "So what do you say? Can we be friends?"

"Yeah," Youngjae whispered.

There was a mixture of relief and sadness in his tone of voice. Knowing that he needed personal space, I left him alone in the room and closed the door. As I turned around, I saw Junhong lurking in the shadows.

"What are you doing here?" I asked a bit harshly as I was afraid that he had eavesdropped.

Looking offended, Junhong answered me in the same tone, "Just looking for my wallet hyung, or do I have to ask your permission for it?"

I sighed, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean it."

"Leave it," and with that, Junhong stalked out of the dorm.

There was an air around Junhong which was close to gleeful and I was wondering whether he had really not eavesdropped on our conversation. I shrugged it off and went on my way, whistling. Besides, I had far better things to do. Like taking my new friend out tomorrow.