"Do you want to kill me?" Youngjae stepped out from a gap in between two trees which was hidden in the shadows.

My hand jerked down and I felt a pang of annoyance that Youngjae had interrupted me.

"What do you want?" I demanded.

Youngjae stepped out into the moonlight so that his whole body was in full view. I could not help but notice how thin he had gotten. His clothes, which once fitted him perfectly, were now hanging loosely off his shoulders and hips. His eyes were bloodshot from which I guessed was excessive crying and he had lost his chubby cheeks. He looked so vulnerable right then that I just wanted to break down and cry. I hadn't realized I was doing this to my friend.

"I'm sorry," I whispered.

He didn't say anything but only looked at me with those sunken eyes. He looked a few years older than when I had last seen him.

"Why did you follow me? I didn't want you to see this," I was on the verge of breaking down.

"Because I love you and I care. It doesn't matter if you love me or not, I still love you and I don't want you to hurt yourself," Youngjae said.

"I'm already hurt beyond repair... You should understand this is the only way where I can just escape all this," I tried to explain to him, I didn't know why I was even explaining this but I had to get him to understand.

"No," he disagreed. "Dying isn't the only way out. If you die on your own will, it only shows you're cowardly and that you're unable to face the world. You're only trying to get the easy way out and by doing so, you're being selfish as you're hurting others along the way."

"But I'm tired of trying to be brave," I talked back. "I'm tired of trying to overcome all obstacles. Why can't I just take a break?"

"Losing your life isn't worth it, Daehyun," Youngjae said softly, his voice sounding unusually calm in the quiet forest. "Life is one of the greatest blessings we've been given, why can't you just accept it?"

"It may be a blessing to you, but it's a big burden to me. I'm just really glad I'm leaving it," I said.

"No, you're not!" Youngjae shouted. "You're not going to die!"

"Says who?" I shouted back, my voice sounding a hundred times magnified in the forest.

"Me," there were two bright splotches on his cheeks which a month ago, might have been from embarrassment but which was now from anger. "I am not going to let you die."

I snorted, "And how do you plan to stop me?"

"Because if you die, I'm coming after you," he said menacingly.

I froze and glared into his eyes and he glared back. There was something in them which confirmed that he was not kidding.

"Don't you dare," I said in the same menacing tone.

"I won't if you don't," he said simply.

A slight throbbing pain aroused in my mind which was not at all unfamiliar, it usually signalled the start of a migraine.

"Stop playing games with me, Jae. Go home and forget about this. You needn't get involved in all this," I rubbed the side of my temple, already feeling giddy.

"How can you say such a thing so casually?" Pain flashed in Youngjae's eyes and a similar one shot through the back of my eyes, I kneaded my temples fiercely. "You know how much I love you and yet you still want me to act as if I don't care?"

"Well, you shouldn't! You shouldn't have cared in the first place," I dropped my hand from my temple, knowing that nothing was going to stop my migraine from coming.

"You think I don't know that?" Youngjae retorted. "You think I want to love you? You think I want to be gay?"

"That's not what I meant... Jae, I know it's hard on you but I'm only saying this having your best interest at heart," I told him.

"Do you even know me at all?" Youngjae questioned. "Did you ever make the effort to know more about me?"

"Erm... No but-"

"Then why are you acting as if you know me very well?" Youngjae interrupted. There was a fire blazing in his eyes and he was breathing heavily.

I said nothing. Youngjae had a point there, I didn't even know why I was doing it. Why wasn't I dead already? Why had I let him stop me from my plans?

"You're right. I shouldn't have bothered myself with you. I don't care whether you live or die," I said coolly and turned my back to him.

The knife pressed against my skin but before it could tear my flesh, something shoved me heavily from behind, knocking the wind out of me. Together, Youngjae and I entered the icy depths of the water. Cold water gushed into my nostrils and I desperately tried to search for air. I wasn't that good a swimmer and it took me awhile to resurface. Once I managed to pull myself up, I leaned against the rock I had been standing on earlier and took huge gulps of fresh air, giving my lungs the oxygen that they needed.

I looked over to my left and found the person I was searching for, Youngjae was lying on the ground and was breathing as heavily as I was. Slowly, I got up and went over to him, I extended a hand and he gratefully took it. I pulled him up gently and waited until he got his balance before letting go of his hand.

"Why?" I asked.

He wasn't looking at me. "I love you too much to let you take your own life."

"But why?"

"I need you by my side Dae," Youngjae whispered. "If you die, I would feel miserable for myself. I wouldn't even be able to kill myself as much as I want to because I would know you don't want me to. I just don't want to go through all the sufferings like before." His voice shook at the end and tears streamed down his cheeks.

I patted his shoulder, all the while thinking that it would cause him much trauma to let him witness my death. I sighed, knowing that I wouldn't be able to continue with that in my mind. I took the shivering Youngjae into my arms, embracing him tightly.

"Please don't die, Daehyun," Youngjae sobbed into my shoulder, wetting my already soaked shirt with tears. "I don't want to go through it all again..."

"Shh..." was all I could say.

I couldn't explain how I felt right then, seeing him cry so vulnerably made me feel as if I had failed as a friend. Friends were supposed to comfort one another during the hards times not be their cause of misery. Even though I was comforting Youngjae right then, I felt as if I was hardly making up for all the things I had done to him. Youngjae, the one person who had been there for me everytime, the one who had comforted me whenever I had troubles, yet, I had never returned the same favour to him. He was also the one who had loved me unconditionally and I had hurt him numerous times, making myself unworthy of his love. Youngjae was more of a friend than I had ever thought. Even just then, he had begged me to stay alive and to fight on. I thought he was doing it for himself but then I realized he just didn't want me to die.

I realized that all he ever did was only for me. He never complained when I didn't tell him my problems, he never gave up trying to be my friend when I was hostile towards him and he hadn't given up until the end, trying to make me see that he would always be there for me. I saw it right then, I saw past what would seem to others, the vulnerable, weak boy, the real Youngjae, the one who would sacrifice everything he had, just so the people he loved were happy. And there I was, selfishly taking all his kindness and giving nothing in return. I felt disgusted with myself, Youngjae didn't deserve a friend like me. Youngjae deserved someone who would care for him as much as he cared for them. The most I could only give him right then was the truth.

"I didn't kill him," I entangled myself from Youngjae, who whimpered as I let go and his hand jerked, as if wanting to hold me back.

"I know. I didn't believe everything Ailee said," he nodded his head.

"It wasn't me who pushed him off. I was just trying to grab hold of him. I-" tears started spilling out of my eyes uncontrollably.

"Shh...Don't worry, it’s okay," it was Youngjae's turn to console me.

I didn't know why I started crying for no reason at all, all I knew was that thinking of my brother hurt because just then, I felt that I wanted to be with Youngjae more than my own brother. Both of us were clinging to each other as if our lives were in the other's hands. I clutched his waist which was warm under his shirt and he wrapped his arms around my body. Our chests were pressed against each other and our chins were on the other's shoulders. I could feel his body heat radiating off him and didn't want to let go. Unfortunately though, we had to, as Youngjae started sneezing due to the wet clothes and the chilly weather.

"Let's get you back," I said to him after I reluctantly let go.

Youngjae sighed, and I knew he was even more reluctant to end the hug. "Fine," he said and his eyes suddenly lit up. "So, does this mean you'll forget about committing suicide?"


I nodded my head. "How can I leave my best friend behind?"

He smiled and took my hand in his, I did not object and we walked back to our dorms together, each of us lost in our own thoughts.

When Youngjae suddenly spoke up, it was about the same thing I had been thinking about right then. "Why did you suddenly decide to live on? I mean, I'm really happy you did, but I need to make sure it's a really good reason and you won't be tempted to do it again."

I stared into silence for a while before saying, "Well, I guess it was just you."

"Me?" Youngjae looked startled.

"Yes," I said. "You've changed me, for the better. You made me see the value of life, and friendship. I realized then that what I've been through barely reflected what you have been through. Even though I've had tough times, you were always there to support me and lend me a shoulder to cry on. You however, have no one to lean onto for support. I feel extremely ashamed as I was your friend yet I did nothing for you while you were always there for me... Jae ah... I'm sorry, I really am."

Youngjae smiled. "It's okay. I mean, I'm happy when you're happy. That's just what I really want. And you did help me, remember that time when you made me overcome my fear of water? Yeah I'm extremely grateful to you for that. And you've also helped me in many ways in which you just don't know. So please, don't be sorry," he looked at me and gave my hand a reassuring squeeze.

I squeezed his in return. "But those are nothing compared to what you have done for me," I sighed, suddenly feeling like a useless friend. Where was I when he was feeling down? Cooped up in my own problems maybe. "I'm really sorry I hadn't been there for you like you have for me."

"It's okay," he simply said and we walked on in silence.

The forest suddenly seemed brighter and more enchanting with Youngjae by my side. Even though the moonlight was filtered by the tall trees, it was as if an invisible light source was shining from within the forest, illuminating it in a way that made it seem magical. Of course, it could all be just my imagination but I could not help think that that light source could be the person walking next to me. I looked to my left and admired the light from all angles. That person, had become my friend, my supporter and my life-saver and nothing could be big enough to repay what he had done for me.

We walked on until we saw a real lamppost, signalling the end of the forest and the start of the road back to our dorms. As we reached the entrance to our dorms, we saw the shadow of a miserable person sitting on a nearby bench and found out that it was no other than Junhong himself.

A pang of guilt stabbed my heart as I remembered all those words I had thrown at him. Slowly, we approached Junhong who looked up suddenly, caught sight of our linked hands and immediately stood up to walk away from us.

"Wait," I let go of Youngjae's hand and crossed over to place a hand on Junhong's shoulder.

He violently shook it off and started to walk away.

"I'm sorry," I blurted out and he stopped in his tracks. "I'm sorry I said those words to you. You don't deserve them."

I could have been imagining things but I swore I heard a muffled sob. When he turned around though, his face was hard and free of tears. He slowly moved towards me until his face was a few inches away from mine.

"Can you return my love?" he whispered, his breath washing over my face.

"Huh?" I said.

"I said, 'Can you return my love?'" he stared into my eyes and it was all I could do to not look away from his cold ones.

"Erm...n-no," I stammered, unsure why he would ask such a question.

When I said that, Junhong took a step back and I found myself breathing more freely.

"Then don't apologize," he said steely and stared coldly at me before turning around and walking away.

I watched as his retreating back disappeared back the way Youngjae and I had come from. If anything, I would say that his figure was a little tenser, or his steps were a little more hesitant, or that his shoulders were heaving up and down rather quickly, as if he was quietly sobbing to himself. I wanted to run to him, to hug him and comfort him. I hated myself right at that moment for hurting so many people and yet, doing nothing to fix the damage.

Youngjae came forward and wiped the tear I hadn't known was there. With an arm around my shoulders, he led me into our dorms and set me down on a sofa in the living room.

"So... He finally confessed?" Youngjae asked.

"Yeah, how'd you know?" I asked, surprised.

"All of us knew. He just isn't good at hiding his feelings. And anyway, he's never acted like this. His attitude completely changed when you came," Youngjae stared at the blank television, his mind somewhere else.

"Do they know about you? The others I mean," I carefully asked.

He sighed before saying, "They might or they might not. I don't know."

I twiddled my thumbs. "Jae, I'm really scared. I don't know what'll happen next. Ailee told the whole world and it isn't even the truth."

Youngjae looked at me. "You really didn't push him off right?"

I shook my head.

"Then there is nothing to be afraid of. You know what the truth is so you'll just have to stick to it. You have nothing to be ashamed of because you're not in the wrong. The truth will eventually be revealed, I promise you. So don't give up," Youngjae smiled.

I returned his smile weakly. "I know but... For the next few days, everyone is just going to believe her. I don't know whether I'll be able to stand all that."

"Of course you will. You're strong and you know it. I'll be right beside you, Daehyun, supporting you forever," Youngjae said.

I fell silent for a while before speaking up, “The other members-“

“We’ll tell them the truth tomorrow. We’ll make them believe you, don’t worry,’ Youngjae said.

I stared at Youngjae and nodded, feeling completely reassured.

He stood up and glanced back at me. "It's getting really late, you should sleep."

I thought he was the one who was sleepy. I nodded my head and we went inside our bedroom. The noise of three guys snoring reached us when we opened the door and I wondered whether I would be able to sleep that night.

Youngjae walked over to his cupboard to change his shirt and pants and I did the same. He then got into his bed and lay down with a sigh before twisting around to face me. I lay on my bed and faced him too.

We stared at each other for a long time before I opened my mouth to say, "Youngjae ah, thank you. For everything, every time and for being everyone to me."

He nodded sleepily, his eyelids in danger of falling.

"I don't know what I'll do without you. I don't even know how to repay you," I said, all the while looking at him.

"Mmm..." he responded, unable to keep his eyes open any longer, he closed them and quickly fell asleep.

I kept staring at his face. He was sleeping with his mouth slightly open. The sadness his face seemed to portray before had vanished almost completely and he was sleeping blissfully. I felt happy right then that I had such good friends around me. Not only Youngjae but the rest of my members had also extended a helping hand that I was so reluctant to take. I realized how stubborn I was and mentally kicked myself for what seemed like the hundredth time that night.

I heard the sound of footsteps gradually growing louder and closed my eyes quickly as the bedroom door opened quietly and someone tiptoed in. I peeked from under my lashes and saw that it was Junhong. He silently took his place in his bed and fell asleep as quickly as Youngjae had. I made a mental note to myself to treat Junhong better and also, to be a good hyung to him.

I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. Streaks of moonlight were reflected there from the window. The shadows of the nearby trees were pictured on the white ceiling. I used to be afraid of the dark when I was young and my brother was always there to protect me, saying that these figures were not real. Even though he was not here, I felt safe and protected. This time, it wasn't because I thought he was watching over me from above, but because I had just found my new family, a family who would always be there for me, a family who I would love forever, a family I would go through the tough times that were definitely coming for me together, a family I would never forget, my BAP family.

I smiled to myself in the dark, never feeling more secure than I have felt than right then. I couldn't believe I had seriously thought of committing suicide just an hour ago. It was fortunate that Youngjae had saved me. Speaking of Youngjae, I looked to my right, seeing his small face illuminated in the moonlight, making him look softer and younger than before. The Yoo Youngjae who was always there for me. The Yoo Youngjae who would always be there for me. The Yoo Youngjae whom I would protect even if my life depended on it.

 

Youngjae ah
 

I love you
 

As a friend

 

Maybe more...

(A/N: And so this is it! The final chapter has been posted up. Thank you so much to all my readers, subscribers, commenters and those who have stuck with ‘Heartless’ till the end :D You guise are the best! ^^

Please support my new fic; All’s Fair In Love And War

http://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/248414/all-s-fair-in-love-and-war-bap

I only have the foreword posted so please let me know if I should continue with it or not.

Cheers!)