It was her... It was her... It was her...
I trudged back to the dorm, as lifeless as a zombie. For all I knew, my life was over.

It was her.

Her whom I had hurt unwillingly because I couldn't explain the truth.

It was her.

Her whom he had loved unconditionally.

It was her.

Her whom he left without a care. It was her, my brother's ex-girlfriend.

I had been cursed. All the problems in the world seemed to find me and no matter where I hid, I could not seem to run away from it. Seeing her again brought it all back. I remembered when he was so happy to be with her. It never made sense to me... Life was unfair. It was tough. It was biased.

My heart ached. I had become a helpless animal hiding behind a mask. When I stared at myself in the mirror, what I saw did not reflect what I was feeling inside. My face was flawless, smooth, it was the perfect poker-face. However, I was writhing in pain inside. Every day, that little flame inside my heart would swallow it bit by bit until I could not take it anymore. I was going insane. The look she gave me countless times, it all made sense now.

Why? Why me? Why hyung? And most of all, why not me? Many times, I had imagined a world without me and with my brother still alive... What would happen if the situation was reversed? Would they blame him? Would they just accept the truth? I didn't know.

My breathing had become heavy. I was tired. I was exhausted trying to keep a calm face, a smooth exterior. I was worn-out trying to plaster a fake smile on my face, trying to act as if nothing had happened.

The next time I met Ailee, I kept my distance from her. This time however, it was her turn to stare at me. I thought she was going to bore a hole in the back of my head with the look she was giving me.

She cornered me afterwards. I could not escape. She just came straight at me. She waited until the rest were out of the room before saying, "The reason why I'm here, is because I want to get revenge for my Daeyoung."

"I didn't-" I retorted but she cut me off.

"Stop denying! You pushed him! You pushed him off that thing and you still want to deny it?" she was angry, really angry. "Why didn't you confess to the truth?"

I didn't say anything.

"Look at you still acting so innocent!" she screamed in my face.

"I'm not denying anything! I really didn't do it! Why would I want to kill my own brother?" I yelled back at her. I was not going to tolerate getting screamed at by a mere female who didn't even know how to differentiate truth from lie.

"Knowing you, it was probably planned out from the start," she tossed her head. I really hated it when she did that. "I've seen you look at him with those longing eyes when he got what he wanted from your parents. I'm sure you wanted to get rid of him so that you could have your parents all to yourself. But," she smiled in satisfaction. "Unfortunately, your parents saw right through you."

My fists were trembling. "Is that what my mother told you?" My voice shook and I was surprised I still had that much control over myself.

"Why?" she glared up at me. "Feeling guilty?"

I was still seething from anger, I couldn't reply her.

"Beware, Jung Daehyun," she stepped nearer so that our faces were only inches apart and whispered. "I will make sure you get hell from me, even if that's the last thing I do."

I shoved her aside and stalked off. That woman was crazy. I silently cursed my brother for choosing a girl like her. My lip trembled. Hyung, I thought. They'll never leave me alone. What do I do?

Indeed, what do I do? I stared at the road ahead of me. I had gone out of the company building and was jogging along the tracks that led to the forest which was right near our dorms. I entered the forest, where the light was dim. Our manager always warned us against entering the forest alone but I didn't care. It was refreshing, running through the dense green trees and hearing nothing except your own heavy breathing and the various sounds of the animals in the forest.

I turned sharply to my left, heading away from the dirt-track. Another warning our manager gave us, never leave the tracks. I disobeyed him. I didn't know why I was leaving the path. I had never been to that part of the forest before but I couldn't stop myself from going there. I wasn't even wandering around, it was like, my body knew exactly where to go and it was leading me there.

I slowed down, tired after jogging for so long. I heard a sound of rushing water in the distance and decided to check it out. I followed the noise and came to a stream. It was a very beautiful stream. The sunlight bounced off the surface of the water and created shiny reflections. The water in the stream was so clear, you could literally see all the debris piling up on the bed.

A movement caught my eye and I spun around, expecting a wild animal. It wasn't an animal though, it was just Junhong. He was crouching by the stream and watching the water flow past. I wondered what he was doing here and decided to sneak up on him. I was about to push him into the water when I heard a muffled sob.

Surprised, I lost my footing and fell into the water. When I resurfaced, I saw Junhong giving me a bewildered look. His face was streaked with tears and I only caught that momentarily before he turned around and wiped it on his sleeve.

I struggled to get back up and Junhong helped me by pulling me up. I was drenched from head to toe. I thanked him and looked at him carefully. His eyes were still red and swollen and he was sniffling.

Seeing that I was staring at him, he turned back to face the stream and asked, "What brought you here?"

"I should be asking you the same question."

He half-smiled. "I'm just throwing my thoughts into the river and watching them disappear downstream."

I couldn't tell whether he was joking or not. "Really? What thoughts?" I asked, curious.

He turned to face me. His eyes were back to normal now. "Too late, it's gone!"

"Haha. Very funny," I watched the stream.

I didn't know how long I sat there, together with Junhong. All I knew was that watching the water rush past was very relaxing. It was as if the more the water in the stream rushed by, the calmer your mind became. After about half an hour, my mind felt lightened but my heart was still heavy.

Very soon, I was attracted to that place like a bee would be attracted to honey. I would go there whenever I could just to clear out my thoughts. Sometimes, Junhong would accompany me, other times, I would go alone. It didn't make any difference however, Junhong was so still and quiet that most of the times, I hardly realized he was there. He would go back much later though, and sometimes, I would wonder what was going through the maknae's head as he watched the stream.

Youngjae noted my continuous absence. He also took note of the fact that Junhong and I were always missing together. It didn't take him much time to put two and two and figure out that we were both together. Once, he caught sight of me and Junhong returning from the forest together in the middle of the night. He had been up wondering where I was. I was sure he must have been worried sick and I felt a twinge of guilt at that. His attitude towards Junhong and I had changed completely. He started to ignore me, as I ignored him. To Junhong however, he treated him as if he was his arch enemy. He would scowl whenever he saw him and when he talked to him, he would do so harshly. He would find satisfaction in ordering Junhong around to do the most tedious tasks. I didn't know whether Junhong noticed Youngjae’s changed attitude but if he did, he didn't complain.

Junhong and I had become close, but not as close as Youngjae and I was. Junhong was more of a silent companion than a friend. I didn't know why but whenever I was with Junhong, I would feel like I had half the problems I was actually having. It was like he was sharing some of my burden. I always wondered whether he felt the same, if he even had any problems that was.

One of the major problems I could not rid myself of, however, was the fact that my brother's ex-girlfriend, Ailee, was after me. She had threatened me with the aspect of telling everyone my 'secret' if I didn't do whatever she wanted me to do. At first, I had denied, saying that doing things for her was a waste of time. Then, she had shrieked at me, telling me that she was going to say it out on national TV and if I didn't do anything about it, I would suffer. I was left with no choice. I accepted her 'offer'. It was ridiculous as she was using me as her personal slave. Not those kinds who waited on her head and foot but those who helped to distract her manager while she went clubbing or to fill in for her in important occasions. To make it short, I was doing things which were putting my career at risk.

It was tiring and time-consuming. I had to fit in mine and Ailee's schedule in a single day. Furthermore, her company was quite a distance from mine and travelling was tedious. I grew to hate her and felt extremely guilty and sad because of it. Guilty because she was my brother's girlfriend and he had loved her unconditionally. Sad because I remembered those times when she and I had been best of friends. She would squeeze my cheeks whenever she met me and treat me to lunch whenever she could. I missed the old her and could hardly recognize the cold and spiteful Ailee as the warm and cheerful Lee Ye Jin that she used to be.

I had turned into a heartless monster, as I overheard Himchan say to Youngjae. I couldn't agree with that, nor could I disagree. Truth was, I was really suffering from depression inside. Everyday, I woke up, dreading the day and every night, I would sleep, dreading the next day. Living day by day had become a very strenuous exercise for me. It had become unbearable and intolerable. Even though Junhong was then the closest member to me, I still felt that he, with the rest of BAP, and I were separated by a wall. I was alone and had no one beside me to give me the spirit I usually donned. These were the times when I would miss my brother the most, the only person who had given me encouragement and motivation. I was always a sensitive person. I suffered from depression a lot and needed to rely on someone for support during those mentally challenging times. It was a miracle I could live, self-motivated, when my brother died, when everyone else was against me. I guess it was my brother's spirit which was keeping my head held high.

Right then, even with the memory of my brother still fresh in my brain, I still could not endure the pain which was brought by the many struggles I faced. I would cry myself to sleep every night. My heart would feel so heavy and my mind, indecisive. It was like having to host a constant headache. My mind was like a whirlpool of thoughts that I sometimes drowned myself in. Sometimes, I wondered how long I could live like this, being so confused yet understanding the situation at the same time. It was all so complicated and I felt like my life was not meant to be. Who could stand having a life like this? I thought about how I was bringing trouble to everyone else... I brought Ailee trouble when Daeyoung died, I brought Youngjae trouble by accepting to be his friend and then abandoning that promise, I brought trouble to my brother when I introduced Ailee to him. But most of all, I brought trouble to everyone, including myself, when I was born. My mother had never wanted me, my brother must've thought I was a burden, Ailee wished me dead, BAP hated me, and I was sure Youngjae, against his own will, would've been thinking that it would've been better without me.

I thought about that too, what the world would seem like without me. It would definitely be better... For instance, my brother wouldn't have died. All this, because of me? Was I the source of all the agony, pain and anguish that everyone went through? Then, would it be better if I was not born at all? I couldn't undo that mistake. I was born and all this was already done. Being me was a huge mistake and my mother shouldn't have let it.

My mother had never wanted me. We were financially disabled. My mother had only wanted one child. She knew raising one would be hard yet, she took on the challenge. She got her first child though... It was a boy, much to her delight. Even though we were poor, she still made sure he grew happily and healthily, sacrificing a lot for her child. All was well and everyone was happy, that was, until I was born. I was accidental. She didn't want me. My brother told me that she had cried for several nights after she heard the news that she was pregnant with me. I understood that, how was she going to raise two children with such a low income? My father was a construction worker and got very little pay. My mother was a housewife and she stayed at home.

I was deemed as bad luck from the beginning. When I was born, my father fell drastically ill. He couldn't continue work for a few weeks. My mother had to make do with selling some of our furniture so that we could live. When my father was well again, he went to work and everything went back to normal. Well, not exactly normal... My mother hated the very sight of me. Her favourite was obviously my brother and she would always give him whatever he wanted, whenever she could. However, despite all that, my brother was never pampered or spoilt. He always shared his food, toys and clothes with me whenever he thought his mother wasn't looking. He loved me and I loved him eternally. He was the only one showing me care and concern and I felt myself growing closer to him, even closer than my own parents.

Even right then, when I was just sitting by myself on a rock near the stream, I would look up into the sky and think of my brother. I missed him so much that it hurt my already bruised heart. The only place I didn't want to be right then was in my own body. I wished I could be someone else, someone with no hardships at all... and most of all, someone with a family to love them. My eyes were watery and I had to keep my head tilted up to prevent them from overflowing with tears. My brother used to be the reason I lived, the reason I survived my childhood. Now that he was gone, I didn't see any reason to continue living.

Something snapped in my brain. Of course, there was a solution, a solution which would be the best for me, and for everyone else. A solution that would greatly relieve me from the burden of having to carry all the dread in the world on my shoulders...

I gazed at the flowing stream and smiled, the first in a very long time. The solution was simple; it was to get rid of myself from this world.

(A/N: My longest chapter so far. Hope you liked it. And just to let you know, the story is coming to an end but don't worry, there's still a few more chapters till the last one. How it will end, you'll just have to wait and see so subscribe and please comment! <3)