I wish I had never told him.

I wish time would rewind.

I wish I had never accepted to be an idol.

But most of all, I wish I had never met him.

Because he was the one who had changed me. He was the only one who had extended that hand that I had never received in eight years. His smiles, his laughter, his optimism would make anyone go crazy. Yet it sometimes comforted me to know that he was by my side, consoling me and motivating me. Frankly, I was happy to be with him. But it hurt me to know that it pained him to be with me. Just because he loved me.

I took deep breaths. We were on our way to the filming location, the amusement park. I clutched the arms of my seat tightly, more scared than nervous. I felt a hand rest itself on mine and looked up. Youngjae smiled at me, reassuring me with a squeeze that everything was going to be okay. How I wish I was gullible enough to believe him.

We finally arrived. My knees were shaking. Youngjae had to help me out of the van. At the first sight, it nearly made me faint. The amusement park was huge which made it all the more intimidating. A bead of sweat rolled down my temple. We walked through the entrance, having the production team pay for our expenses, and stopped in the middle of a clearing. The camera crew took out their cameras and started preparing them.

Youngjae brought me to a corner and tried to calm me down. "Dae ah, don't be scared okay? It's only for today. Just go through it. Grit your teeth and just do it."

I nodded. He was right. Being scared would not help me avoid it. And if I couldn't avoid it, I just had to go for it. I straightened my shoulders and walk back to the filming site, determined to see this day through. The cameras were almost ready and we were given our scripts. I paled when I saw the number of rides we were riding today but brushed it off. It was not going to concern me at all. The cameras were rolling and we started filming for the day.

So far, everything was going fine. The first ride, Hurricane, was not as bad as I thought it would be. It was only my mind which was convinced that I was afraid. Once I actually rode that thing, I found that I almost enjoyed it. I was having fun, until a particular ride came up.

"Wha-what ride?" I stuttered, unable to believe what I had just heard.

The PD repeated himself. My eyes widened in shock and I clutched my hair.

"No! No! No! Please don't let me ride on that thing, please! I'm begging you!" I yelled.

"The whole group have to," the PD raised his eyebrows and looked at me as if I was nuts. "You can't back out of this, sorry." And he coldly walked away.

I kneeled on the ground. My worst nightmares were coming true. We were going to ride the Columbus Explorer, that big ship thing that swayed from left to right. The ride which I hated the most and would hate for the rest of my life. I clutched my heart. Thinking of it was painful enough. What would happen if I were to actually ride on it? I inhaled deeply, refusing to let my tears spill again. I just had to go for it. I stood up and looked around for the person whom I needed the most right then.

Youngjae took one look at my face before embracing me in a fierce hug. He whispered words of encouragement into my ear. Sure enough, I calmed down after a few minutes. I felt so much better after being with Youngjae. It was like he lifted most of my worries. We broke apart and he smiled. I smiled back. As Youngjae had said, we were ready to go for it. This time, together.

I hated it. I hated everything about it. Its smell, its sound, its look and even the feel of it. I hated the creaky sound it made when it moved. I hated the wobbly feeling you get when you ride on it. But most of all, I hated the sight of it swaying like a pendulum. As far as I was concerned, it took all the blame for my brother's death.

We were seated, getting ready for the ride. I was scared out of my wits. Not because of the ride, but because riding it would bring back a whole flood of memories. The thing was moving. I had barely paid attention to what 'mission' we were issued to. I didn't care. The ship tilted, bringing us up. It then went down with a 'whoosh' and I felt my heart pounding against my ribcage.

It was just as I had remembered, the feeling of seasickness. It was as if nothing had happened during the past eight years and my brother and I were still sitting in the ship. I could almost hear his voice which was saying;

"Daehyun ah! Wake up and concentrate!"

But wait, it didn't sound like his voice. I slowly opened my eyelids and peeked to my left. Himchan was sitting beside me. I had long gotten over the fact that he looked like my brother. I just satisfied myself with the explanation that Himchan resembled my brother, end of story. But no, the story was yet to end.

As I looked at him, my eyes stung with tears at the memory. He was there beside me, as he was, eight years ago. I was so caught up in my memories that I had momentarily forgotten that we were BAP and that we were given a mission to do. I had also forgotten that Himchan is not Daeyoung. Himchan is Himchan and that was the fact.

I closed my eyes, unable to take it anymore.

//Flashback//

"HYUNG!!! HYUNG!!! WAKE UP!!! HYUNG!!!" Tears rolled down my face.

I had run down from the ship after I had watched my brother being flung a few meters into the air and landing on the ground with an excruciating thud. The ship slowed down as the control guy pressed the 'Emergency Stop' button.

"HYUNG!!! DON'T LEAVE ME!!! HYUNG! OPEN YOUR EYES, HYUNG!!!!" I cried, refusing to believe what I deemed to be the impossible.

A dark red liquid was seeping from beneath his head and panicking, I turned his head gently to reveal a huge wound. More tears cascaded down my cheeks as I put my head down on his chest and sobbed in it. "Hyung...hyung!"

People rushed to me, someone tried to lift me off him but I kicked them away, I would never leave my brother's side. I continued crying and shaking my brother violently, as if he was just in a deep slumber and he would wake up at any moment. Soon, I heard the roaring of the sirens and the screeching of brakes. A dozen men, wearing turquoise uniforms with masks on, hurried out of the ambulance and took out a stretcher. They put him on it, not before prying me off him first. I screamed his name, trying to follow him. A man saw me and carried me into the ambulance. They must have realized we came without a guardian.

Inside the ambulance, I held his hand all the way, whispering prayers. I had only one thought then, and that was to keep him alive. His hand still felt warm, and I clung onto that hope. We reached the hospital and that was the last time I saw him, before he was wheeled into the emergency room.

//End of flashback//

The ride ended. We were slowly rocking into a standstill. My mask was wet from all the tears I had shed. I wiped the wetness away from my eyes. I had kept my head down throughout the ride so that the cameras would not capture me crying.

I got off the ride first, eager to be on firm ground again. Once out of that horrible thing, I crouched down and buried my face in my hands. I ignored the directors shouting at me to get into position. I waved off the hairdresser approaching me with a comb, in an attempt to fix my hair. I even shooed Youngjae off, who had looked for me the moment the ride ended. I only wanted some time to myself.

Giving up, the production team called for a break for ten minutes. I felt it wasn't enough, I should have been given a lifetime to just shrink in a corner and think of nothing.

The ten minutes were up before I knew it and I had to get up. My legs felt numb. In fact, my whole body felt numb. I wasn't thinking straight. I didn't know what to do. It was a miracle I managed to get through filming the whole of episode three at all. It was too much for me to bear.

Once I got back to the dorm, I sought out comfort in my bed, relieved to be able to sleep and forget the world. The only problem was, sleep was no difference. It only brought me nightmares which consisted of that single memory replayed over and over again in my head, like a broken recorder...