Does it hurt?

What does dying feel like?

Is it short?

Will I regret?

Probably not because I would already be dead. This felt surprisingly good, having the thought that I was about to die. I felt relaxed and somehow, empty. The troubles did not bother me anymore, they were just annoying and simply bugged me. I no longer had any pains in my chest. I no longer had that suffocating feeling that always threatened to engulf me. I felt, however, strangely cold and it wasn't because of the weather. It was like my whole heart had been permanently put inside a freezer. I felt hollow inside and wondered whether I had any soul inside of me, whether I had already died inside.

It didn't matter, these things. It wasn't going to change my mind. I wouldn't let it. Nothing was going to change my mind, I had vowed myself that. I was sure the others noticed my changed behaviour though. And I thought Junhong and Youngjae noticed the most. Junhong, because I had stopped going to the little stream in the forest. He didn't mention anything though and I was grateful for that. Youngjae was because he probably knew me the most. I had repeatedly made my point clear with my actions the other time that I didn't want to speak to him. Youngjae had grown depressed though. Sometimes I even thought he was as depressed as me. I hardly saw him anymore. I had a feeling he was avoiding me to all extent. Sometimes, I would walk in on him alone in a room. When such a situation propped up, he would immediately stop whatever he was doing and roughly shove past me out of the room.

The only time when he wouldn't leave the room when I entered was when all BAP members were gathered in the living room watching television. I entered our dorm after my schedule and found all of them watching Strong Heart, a variety show where idols pour their hearts out about never before heard stories about them. My eyes immediately caught Youngjae's and he hastily looked away, but not before I caught his face which was shockingly sick-looking. He had eye bags under his eyes and his chubby cheeks were almost reduced to thin, bony contours.

I sat down beside Yongguk, taking note that Junhong wasn't around. One thing I noticed most after I had gotten out of my depressed state was that Junhong was hardly seen around the members anymore. He seemed to be in his own little world and was disappearing occasionally to where only I knew. It didn't go unnoticed, his disappearances. Yongguk caught him sneaking back to the dorm in the middle of the night and shouted the crap out of Junhong, telling him how worried he had been of him. Junhong had shouted back, saying that he wanted his own privacy and when Yongguk didn't drop the subject, had turned in his heels and gone out of the room, slamming the door behind him. Yongguk and Junhong were sour towards each other after that.

I put my feet casually on the coffee table in front of me, ignoring Yongguk's protests. Yongguk was finding fault in everything ever since he had a falling out with Junhong. I averted my attention away from him to the screen. I had never cared to watch other idols' appearances on TV shows but Strong Heart was an exception. It was nice having to divert your attention away from your troubles to someone else's. That day, Yoona and Sunny from SNSD were guests in the show together with Nichkhun from 2pm, Shindong and Leeteuk from Super Junior and...and...and...

I tensed. I just saw someone I had never thought would go on Strong Heart. It was Ailee. She was sitting comfortably at the corner of the front row, with an air of a person ready to spill out all her secrets. She was arrogantly poised and had a grim look to her face, one that was determined and decided... That was not good. I took my feet off the table and leaned in towards the television, giving the show my full attention. I didn't like the way she was giving the camera hard glances, nor did I like the fact that she volunteered to be on Strong Heart, the only place I didn't want her to be. Would she? No she wouldn't... However... I thought as I squinted my eyes at the television screen, looking for a clue that would betray her purpose for being in the show.

And there it was, I saw it. Right beside her was a mini blackboard. This blackboard was used by the idols to write down a hint on what they were going to say. My eyes were almost in slits when I tried to decipher what she wrote (damn I forgot to put on my contacts) and they became as big as saucers when I finally found out.

"No!" I exclaimed, much to the shock of the other members.

Ailee was going to do the dreaded thing, she was going to announce everything to the whole world. Written in her neat, small handwriting, the chalk on the blackboard read, 'My ex-boyfriend was Jung Daehyun's brother'. I took several deep breaths, trying to calm myself from the ordeal. Being on Strong Heart didn’t mean she would reveal everything. What if she was only there to say that my brother was her boyfriend? It didn’t mean she would reveal that I had killed him. I could only wish...

"And now we have with us a very charming lady! Ailee, what have you got for us today?" the MC asked her.

She smiled sweetly before saying, "Oh you flatter me. As you can see on the blackboard, I wrote, 'Jung Daehyun's brother was my boyfriend'."

There were catcalls and cheers from the audience.

"I see," the MC replied. "So you ditched him for his brother?"

"No of course not," she denied. "You see, we never wanted to be apart. It was a rather unfortunate incident... Someone tore us apart. That heartless person did something unforgiving. I will never forget that person and I'll make sure to seek revenge for my boyfriend."

Tears formed in Ailee's eyes. I could not tell whether they were real or fake but I had an inkling that she couldn’t be feigning. I just froze in my seat, making no move to switch off the TV or go to another room. I didn't know why but I felt like I should listen to what she had to say.

Ailee composed herself and she continued, "That person was someone whom I had trusted the most in this world, other than my boyfriend. He was my boyfriend's best friend. They shared all their secrets to one another. I can't imagine why he would break that level of trust they have for each other. I can't believe he backstabbed my boyfriend."

"What did he do?" the MC asked.

"He...he killed my boyfriend," Ailee sobbed in between tears.

The whole studio was quiet, so was our living room. Everyone was too engrossed in Ailee's story. I felt a cold chill go down my spine. If she revealed everything, it would be the end for me. I was shaking so much that the whole sofa was literally vibrating, but no one noticed. The MC asked Ailee who killed him. I stiffened in my seat, surely she wouldn't?

Ailee carefully wiped the tears from underneath her heavily mascaraed eyelashes before turning her head to the camera. I could literally feel her eyes burning as with that vicious expression, she said, "The person whom I least expected to do this, the person who pushed him off that ride in the amusement park, the person who was so heartless that he even dared to live until now, Jung Daehyun."