Chapter 39: Tying the Knot 1.1

[The Final Beginning]

---

 

• Baekhyun's POV

I tossed myself around the bed, pain squeezing every nerve in my head as I close my eyes hard, trying to get away from it. The pain that is in my heart never seems to calm down, all was heavy and pained. Torned and anguished, I screamed--all of it came as a harsh, rough and hoarse air. But it was already enough, I already poured out the pain I had in me. The pain that came like a flood, without warning and dreadful; sweeping me away and letting me drown into my own guilt.

My memories. It wasn't still complete and I'm sure of that. The pieces were still vague, but it hurts as much as if my mind is blocking it, dulling the real picture of the past. Chanyeol's words and the boy's words sounded so familiar, as if they were right, as if they are the same. I would take chances if it was true, but the thought fears me, the result if I would have to find out the truth. It scares me that I don't even want to think about it.

But then, what about my memories? It's my family and my wish to achieve. It's what we want to achieve together with the regaining of my voice. The doctor told me that the nerves in my brain 'froze' because of the trauma which I had experienced. Even after regaining the most hurtful ones, I didn't regain my voice after all. The doctor explained to me when I went back to him, that there are pieces of my memory that is missing and that I have to complete it and when the crucial moment comes, I'll be able to have my voice back--loud and clear.

It seems like an impossible dream. A dream that is unattainable in all way and I always wonder why I even plan to achieve it when I'm fine the way I am? It was stupid, I know, but deep inside me I know that there is a reason. A reason why I want to regain my memories back all together and my voice. A reason. But what is the reason?

My head pounds in pain more than ever as my brain squeeze like a rope and I feel my head is going to explode, breathing becoming more difficult as pain scorches around my body.  I gasp for air, trying to inhale as much as need, but it didn't ease the slightest pain in my head. It's still pounding, aching and definitely slowly killing me.

A nightmare it is. The dream I had last night. It was horrible. A nightmare that couldn't leave my mind even until now. It's still vivid in my mind, as if I just had it awhile ago. Too clear and deafening. It started with darkness before a spark of light appears, splashing white on the darkness like paint. White is the background before a paint of blue comes across with the color of the sand, the outline slowly becoming clear, a splash of admiringly orange and yellow paints its way across the missing color.

A sunrise.

I remember dazedly staring at the sun as it rises up slowly, when I felt a presence beside me. Anything would be fine, really, but what scared me because what I saw was a boy. A boy that seems like 6 or 7, but looks young at his age. He was also staring at the sun, seemingly lost and thinking about something.

"Hey, ferret," the young boy says and I gazed at the boy standing beside him, a bit taller than the boy, but seem like 5 or 6. I watch him pout, whining at the boy, but the boy doesn't seem to be fazed and I concluded that he was older than the tall boy. He has this serious face, as if something important is up that the tall boy calmed down and somehow worriedly glances at him.

"Do you think...we'll be able to see the sunrise again? Us? Together? Do you think?" It was a question, a simple one, but then I realized that it wasn't. That his words seems to be saying a farewell instead of a simple question and it is so awfully familiar, echoing right in my head even though I am near them. I watch the tall boy gaze down on his toes on the sand, playing with the tiny sands, curling it as if he was thinking or nervous.

"Of course, hyung. We will see the sunrise again. Soon. Us. Together. We'll see it together." A promise, I thought when I heard him said those. I watch the older boy's lips pull up into a smile, almost sad and guilty. Then the scene shifts, destroying the image that I took a liking of and turns into a road, empty and all too familiar and I almost choked. I watched it again; watch my parents crashed with a truck right in front of my eyes.

I watch the blood spread around, painting the dusky road with its crimson and the fire burning so hastily and laughing mockingly at their deaths. I felt my heart squeeze, painful and choking. I always knew that I am the reason why my parents died, the reason why they have to suffer unlike me who am still living. I knew. I always knew.

That I'm the guilty one.

That I killed them.

And knowing that I'm running away from it.

~

I didn't know that I fell asleep and I woke up at around 3 in the morning. I suddenly felt the urge to drink so I left my room and trudge my way to the kitchen. As I arrived there, I saw Kris taking out some food from the refrigerator and as if sensing my presence, he turned and looked at me, recognition in his eyes.

"Oh, Baekhyun. You're here. Do you need something?" he asks as he placed down some ice cream tub. I bit my lip before nodding my head, and pointed towards the bottle of water. He nodded his head and handed me the bottle of water. I smiled at him in thanks and was on my way back to my room when he called my name.

“Baekhyun.”

I turned to him, eyes questioning when he tiredly smiled at me.

“Got a minute to spare for your big brother?”

~

We spend our time under the tree in the garden, watching the dark sky with twinkling stars spread across. We ate throughout the time in silence, eating our ice cream in the cold temperature outside, but I endured it because it’s been a long time since I spend my time with Kris. Taking another scoop, Kris spoke in a hushed manner, a slight melancholic tone lingering in his voice.

“How’s your time with Chanyeol? A good one?”

I would have lied if I said I didn’t say it’s good, but then the last meeting was complicated, too complex for me to understand and behind his strange smile. It’s as if he’s happy to see me hurting, in pain or something—I can’t really understand him. Biting my lip, I nod my head and somehow, I saw the corners of his lips lifts up a bit as if he’s happy to hear that (of course he would).

“That’s great,” he mutters a bit sadly and I wonder why, but didn’t question instead let the silence fall on us once again. The wind seems to be a bit colder than before and I shivered a bit. I decided to stop eating the ice cream and just bathe myself on the night. Kris didn’t speak after a few minutes, until the breeze passes by that he decided to speak the left out words--when his voice turned into what it seems to be hoarse.

“He’s a great guy...a very great guy, but despite being the great guy he is. He’s broken. Broken in the inside that affected the way he behaves, so restricted and pained,” he pauses before he looks at me and our eyes met each other; unshed tears evident in the rim of his eyes, so rare and precious, “Baekhyun, take care of him. No matter what, don’t hate him for what he does to you. Don’t hate him, okay? He just needs to feel the reality again, his heart patched up all together and his trust to be repaired.”

I felt my jaw slacken a bit, my eyes questioning his confusing words. Don’t hate Chanyeol? For what? Broken? Chanyeol? All sort of questions popped up, making me dizzy and light; when realization broke down on me that I didn’t know anything about Chanyeol at all. Maybe some few things which he told me and which I asked him, but I never really knew anything about him at all. Kris sniffled, looking away as he wiped away the tears that left his eyes. I wanted to ask him why he is saying this, why Chanyeol is like that and why is it hurting me. I wanted to ask, but Kris’s expression after he wiped his tears tells that it’s the end of the tale, that I didn’t take a step, but instead back down.

Soon after, I felt my eyes heavy, sand of sleep giving weight to whole of my body as I tried to fight to be awake, but the tiredness of my whole body made me cave in and slowly I close my eyes and before I drift off to wonderland, I’m sure Kris said some words before sleep took over me.

“He misses you.”

~

When I woke up the next morning, I felt my heart ache heavily, pain pounding heavily against my chest, reminding me about something that I lost. My body felt cold when I sat up, sweat trickled down to my face as I felt the tight heat surrounds me.

Forcing myself up in the early morning, I went straight to my cafe. I took some steps around, gazing around my cafe and notice the corner table near the main window. A flashback of Chanyeol sitting there appeared like a play in my eyes, watching how he enjoyed listening while I play the piano. I watch how he happily eats the food on my menus, almost ordering them all and how he happily chats away with me listening to it with a smile.

My heart aches at it as the scenes vanishes away returning to the dull color of morning reality of my cafe. I let out a sigh, noticing that nothing came out; I ruffled my hair in frustration. I tiredly look at my piano and approach it before settling down on the stool. I lift up the cover, my fingertips moving to brush the keys above. It’s still early in the morning and I still have 2 more hours before I open it up. I don’t why I decide to go here, but I guess this is my sole refuge. The place which I also call a home, because it’s my first and has created memories of the people I’m with and the smiles of the customers who enjoyed the music of the piano and the delectable taste of the food.

I decided to play a song to feel the music once again that I seemingly once lost in the weeks that I spent with Chanyeol. Deciding to play Nocturne 2, fingers pressed in each designated place, the soft lull of melody eases my heart, calming everything that is around me and feels energy pours on me. Halfway through the song between the dash of high peak and the waves of the grumbling, I felt long pair of arms circle around my waist that made me stop from playing.

“Hyung.”

The voice is familiar and warm to my ears, making my heart race at his voice resigning all the calmness and peace that is created. I wanted to turn my head, but when I felt his head rested on my shoulder, I froze.

“Don’t. Just...just let me hug you. Let me hug you for awhile. I need you to stay still and just...just let me do this. Do this in favor for me, hyung. Please,” he pleads and I could hear his voice broke in the end and I had no choice but to let him. I slowly got up from the stool and decided to settle on the floor instead which is more comfortable. Calming myself, I felt him tightening his hold on my waist, his face buried on my shoulder and I wonder what happened to him.

Ever since I realized that we are making progress, I thought it was the best news I could have so I tried to talk every day, trying to say a word. So far, I could only produce choking sounds and some distinct familiar sound of a word. Now, I wanted to try I could produce a sound at least, which I really hope I would.

I focused and prepare my voice box that is all rusty and old, memories come weaving through with the time I spent with Chanyeol and finally I was able to.

“Cchh...un...yye...o.” It came out as a whisper and a smile broke out my face when I heard my voice. It feels so distant, but so familiar that my heart races in excitement. It’s a bit hoarse and not really the word I’m aiming for, but it was good enough. I feel his arm tightened around my waist again, a hushed chuckle heard and I knew he heard it.

“Hyung,” he calls out my name and I hum. He didn’t reply after and I decided to end it there and let him find his comfort. If he is truly broken then I wish to be his refuge, his home and the person that he could count on.

• Minseok & Jongdae

Minseok tries. He tries to repair it all back, but it’s not easy to repair the shattered heart of a person. But he still tries, even though it’s impossible and absurd, he tries because he can’t let Jongdae go.

 

“Jongdae, Minseok is here,” Eunhyuk says to the petite man who was serving a customer. Jongdae looked behind him, eyes wide and a bit alarmed by his sudden appearance. He could see Jongdae look away hastily, purposely ignoring him and whispered something to Eunhyuk before taking his leave. Eunhyuk approaches him with sad steps; eyes loomed with great pity and sadness for him.

“He doesn’t want you here, he says.”

“But I need to talk to him, Eunhyuk.”

“I’m sorry, Minseok, but I can’—“

“Please? Couldn’t you at least let me talk to him for awhile? Please tell him that I just needed a spare of his time. Please, Eunhyuk?” Minseok begged, because it’s the only way and seeing Jongdae turns away from proves how much the younger detested him and probably also because of that fateful night where he called. Eunhyuk bit his lip, eyes wary and torned before a sigh emitted out from his lips, a sad smile contorting slowly.

“Don’t force him too much, okay?”

“I won’t.”

Eunhyuk gave him a grin, before setting off to Jongdae who was taking an order. Minseok watches Eunhyuk whisper at his ear, relaying some convincing words for Jongdae to agree. Fumbling with the minutes, Minseok sees Jongdae give Eunhyuk a disoriented and distraught look on his face—irritation and dissatisfaction evident in his face and somehow it hurts Minseok by chance. Watching Eunhyuk speak to the younger more, his heart lit up in relief when Jongdae casted him a look, acknowledging his presence and gave in to Eunhyuk’s pester to meet him. Giving the paper and pen to Eunhyuk, Jongdae strutted down to him, a straight face plastered.

“Let’s go and get this done. You’re ruining my work,” Jongdae coldly remarks as he pulled him outside the cafe, Minseok taking a few steps back before he caught his balance. Minseok gazes at his form and was startled at the younger’s appearance—thin frame, eyes dwelling to puffy red (obviously from crying, he takes the hunch) and skin rather pale and not cream-like; it’s as if Jongdae’s having himself in death scale.

“Wha-what happened to you, Jongdae?” Of course, it’s natural that he blurts that out. He has concern for the latter and it didn’t miss his eyes the flicker of surprise in the younger’s eyes, but soon vanishes away quickly, a deep frown made its way instead.

“Stop beating around the bush, Minseok hyung. I’ve got work to do and if you don’t have anything to say at all, I’ll take my leave,” Jongdae grits out in annoyance, his temper at its peak and Minseok knew it’s not the time to idle chat. Taking a deep breath, putting in it all and recalling what he should say, Minseok calmed his racing heart, putting up all the confidence he has.

“Please let me court you,” he breathes out softly, determined and sincere.

~

Jongdae stared at him, appalled by his sudden confession; a sudden feeling of warm bubbles rose to his chest, taunting him to incline in those sweet words—a temptation of the past. Jongdae stared at the older, watching any signs of fraud show, but as he searches for it, he finds nothing instead he found himself believing those words-let me court you- impossible, but somehow true-Please, please, one more chance to have you back and your heart—should he?

Jongdae tore his gaze away, gulping the lump that formed in his throat while anxiety crawls through his skin. What was he suppose to do? What is he suppose to say? Caught in a trap, Jongdae felt that he couldn’t answer Minseok at all, that he can’t accept the proposal all too suddenly, but not because he rejects it.

Minseok saw his troubled expression, his eyes softening for the younger, the corner of his lips tugs upward a bit before he hums loudly purposely distracting the latter from his train of thoughts.

“I’ll hear the answer later; I’ll let you have some time to think about it. By then, I’ll come back and hear your answer,” Minseok says with an expecting tone that nearly makes Jongdae be in a deep, difficult dilemma—almost, but Jongdae knew he has to face it either ways. Pursing his lips into a thin line, Jongdae reluctantly nod his head, agreeing just to get it over with so that he could run back to work.

Minseok flashes him his warm smile, the smile that made him fall in love with his senior back then—too deep and romantic, taking his hand into his, squeezing it as an expression of gratitude and Jongdae’s glad that Minseok pulled away immediately when the older saw his uncomfortable expression.

“I’ll see you soon.” Minseok waves at him before taking his leave and Jongdae’s left alone with a tingling warm sensation in his hand, all too familiar and appreciated.

Guess it’s time to face the reality.

• Kyungsoo’s POV

I'm troubled.

Sure having a very high progress of retaining my voice back is very pleasant, but having to deal with my nightmares was the point of why I was mute. Being mute kept my nightmares away from me, having to keep it back for me to never remember that fateful cold night.

“It wasn’t your fault.” Jongdae would always tell me. Yeah, it may not be, but I know that I’m the reason why they died. If I hadn’t just asked them to have dinner, they wouldn’t have to come. They wouldn’t have to die. It’s my fault and it’ll always be.

Reviving the memories comes fleeting and it almost choked me up, but thankfully it didn’t. It was suppose to be kept hidden, but when I woke up panting and tears cascading out from my eyes, it wasn’t a good way to keep it as a secret when Jongdae comes to my room, frantic and went by my side just to console me and in the end he found out.

Of course he was concerned, not scared, but concerned and I pity him for having a brother like me. Funny though, I remember clearly hearing my voice when I shouted when I woke up, ringing in my ears like a mantra—it was unforgettable.

“NO!”

The first word I ever shouted. It sounded so rough and hoarse, but well enough clear for me. It was terrifying. To hear my voice back terrifies me, but I was grateful. Grateful to have it back rather than being mute for the whole years of my life. Finally, where I could talk again, clear and precise, where I could finally express my emotion very well.

I gaze at my vase, decorated with several flowers of chrysanthemum, rose, baby’s breath, lily of valleys and other flowers. Colorful and fragrant, a small smile forms on my face, distracting from my thoughts as I pull my legs to my chest and finally resting my chin. A tired sigh left my lips, feeling a bit drained from all the work in the house. My phone buzzed beside me before setting off to a soft music of ballad (courtesy to Jongin who argued that I should have soft music like ballads because it suits me more), a hushed chuckle came when I remembered the time when Jongin scolded me for having loud music; a funny and interesting child, indeed.

Picking it up, I crossed my legs to be in a more comfortable position, looked at the new message which I received from Jongin. Opening it up, I wonder what he wants to say.

From: Jongin

Hyung, I’m at your flower shop. Where are you?

Silly kid. Why are you there?

To: Jongin

What are you doing there, Jongin? Don’t you have anything else to do? Didn’t you say we are going to have a rest?

Sending it to him, I waited several minutes before he replied.

From: Jongin

I just want to hang out with you today. Is it bad? Are you doing something?

I could practically hear Jongin’s childish voice asking me why and that sent me off chuckling. Humming a bit to exercise my voice box, not applying too much pressure nor forcing it, I hum out softly to my liking.

To: Jongin

No, it’s not bad, Jongin. And no, I’m not doing something, just resting. I’ll be right there.

I pressed the send button before dropping it beside me and got out of my bed. Rummaging through my closer, I picked what suited my style and is comfortable for me. Changing into the clothes that I picked, I went to the bed and picked up my phone, opening the last message from him that turned out to be a photo of him smiling, the background that showed that he is really at my flower shop.

I chuckled a bit and pocketed my phone before heading out, turning off the lights in the process and close the main door after I put on my shoes.

~

I arrived at my flower shop around 15 minutes later after I left the house. Jongin was sitting on the two case, a bored expression apparent in his face, but when he caught sight of me, he got up and wore a child-like grin complimenting him so much that I rendered him as of like a child.

“Hyung, you’re finally here!” Jongin gleefully remarks and I smiled back at him as a response.

“What do you say, hyung? Let’s go out for a date,” he innocently says and I had to make sure I’m not misinterpreting the word ‘date’ at all. I really hope so that I merely misinterpreted it.

“D...te?” I tried to speak, but it didn’t turned out to be well as I was hoping for it, nevertheless, when Jongin looked at me with a spark of awe and excitement, I knew that it was enough for him to understand.

“Yeah, we’re going for a date. And don’t force too much of your voice, or it’ll stress your larynx too much.”

I let out a sigh before nodding my head, feeling my throat suddenly itchy and I thought so not to use my voice too much for today. Taking a hold of my hand, I watch him with curious eyes and he grins in response which turned out to be that we’re running through our way to the place who knows where.

And it turns out to be a dance studio. He told me that he wanted to show me how he dances and wants to know my opinion about it. I’ve heard from him several times that he dance and that he is also a student-instructor and is well-known in the university, but I never saw him dance and having the opportunity to see him dance, I took the chance with a big smile.

I watch him start with a slow steps to the side, the soft rhythm of the music ruffles around as he bends his body to the side, shoulders up and knees bend a bit while his back arched beautifully. I watch him dance gracefully, smoothly blending with the music, his passion burning through the thick air and finishing it with a soft drop of steps to the side, head up marked with sweat and as the music ends he drops his head low like a ball the dropped to the floor and bounces.

I applaud him greatly, awe marked my face and he grinned at me like a child who got a reward from his parents. He tells me that he’ll change for a bit and left for awhile. As I wait for him, I recall his dance with a sense of proud and smile. I look at the wall mirror and remember that Jongdae also dances, not too bad, but I wouldn’t compare him to Jongin who is much better than him.

Soon, Jongin came out and together we left the studio and decide to eat. I was planning to eat just in a normal restaurant when Jongin pulled me into one of the fancy restaurants in Seoul. Funny though, when I tasted the food, I almost laughed that mine is much better than the restaurant’s.

“You told me that you love cooking, is that right hyung?” he asks with an expecting tone and I nod my head in response, twisting my fork on the pasta and takes a bite. Mine’s still better.

“Could you cook for me, hyung?” he adds and I almost choked. I quickly drank my tea and incredulously looked at him, confusion and disbelief written all over my face. He grinned childishly and I raised my eyebrow.

“I want to taste your food, hyung!”

I never let anyone taste my cooking except for Suho, but seeing Jongin’s twinkling eyes with excitement and expectation and his childish smile, I couldn’t say no and I gave in. Pity me. I let out a soft sigh, the corners of my lips tugs upward when Jongin happily said yes.

“Thanks hyung!” he smiles, my cheeks flushing up a bit and my heart racing for some reason. I coughed out to excuse the feelings and smiled back in response. Finishing up our food, we decided to go back to the flower shop. Arriving at the flower shop, I beckoned Jongin to come in as I turn the sign into open. Making some tea for him, I settled it in front of him and take out my apron and put it in.

“I feel like you’re a mom or something, Kyungsoo hyung,” Jongin chuckles out and I jokingly throws him a towel from the drawer, pretending to be upset. He smirks and I almost threw him my notebook when he held his hands up as a sign of surrender. Letting out a huff, I turned around and take out some empty pot and bag of soil from the lower cabinet and set it in the counter, gathering some daisies at the side of the counter. Pouring some soil into the empty pot, I glanced at Jongin who watches me do my work. I smiled a bit and tuck away the bag when I had poured enough of it and picks up a daisy. I smiled and remembered when I first met Jongin and gave him a daisy as a gift for our first meeting.

Looking at him, I held it in front of him and he looks at me in perplex. I smiled and he takes it from my fingers and places it at the middle of the soil, an awed smile appearing and shimmer of delight gleaming in his eyes. I felt myself smiling widely because of his innocent smile and the twinkle of his eyes that shows how much of a child he is. My heart swelled in affection and for a moment I could hear my heart pounding against my chest.

I’m not falling for him, right?

 

• Luhan

Nothing was right. It never was. From the moment they stepped in the airport and the moment they sealed their fate; nothing was ever right to begin with as if destiny made a regrettable mistake and that fate decides to have her play.

Luhan thinks it's funny, how everything could be turned upside down so easily, as if his promise is so hard to achieve. He promised that he'll find Sehun, but it never came to that and it has been seven years and still couldn't find the younger male. He's worrying every day, wondering how Sehun is and wondered if the young boy is also looking for him. He had already dispatched some men for the last seven years and still there were no luck and Luhan regrets the day he left the younger alone.

Ripped off in time, Luhan wonders if he still has time; time to find Sehun because he thinks his time for looking for Sehun is slowly diminishing quickly. Lately these days, he often looks at the pocket watch that Sehun gave him before they part in the airport. A treasure exchange between the two of them; a ring and a pocket watch. Luhan often looks at the watch, wondering when it'll start to tick, but wishes not to tick because it symbolizes the left time for him to find Sehun. A sigh often left his lips nowadays, often dazed and wondering where he'll find Sehun. He feels that time is shortened for finding Sehun and that he needs to hurry, because if not, it might be all too late.

It may be weird why he thought of that conclusion, but it came to the point where it settled to that conclusion when he had a talk with Yongguk and Himchan. Spilling his thoughts to them carelessly, but felt a sense of relief where he could share it to someone else; his pain and longing. The two males gave him a sad look and smile, telling him that they'll help him with all they can and that he shouldn't lose hope.

Luhan gazes at the picture frame of Sehun and him, a memento left with all its memories and feelings. He wonders why the past has to be done, why it is to be left in the past and not be able to return to change. A tired sigh left his lips, sprinkling the distress and grief of his.

The night before he had a talk with Tao, the younger pleased with the breads and sweets, Luhan could see the pain and sadness in his eyes, too well and easy. After giving some time, Luhan finally opened the subject he wanted to discuss and Tao looked at him with unshed tears that caught him off-guarded.

“What’s wrong, Zitao?” Luhan worriedly asked, heart aching to know what happened to the younger boy. Tao casts his eyes down, not wanting to look at Luhan, gripping the plastic bag hard in return. Tao has been always precious for Luhan, the boy who he had taken care of and had been with him through his toughest times when he came back to Korea of almost being penniless. He vowed to never make the younger cry, to make him sad over things that are not worth to be crying of, but seeing him now hurting in the silent way, it pained him to know that he doesn’t know how to ease the pain.

Luhan observes the younger, letting his eyes gaze at his form, thinking of different speculations that caused the younger to be like this. Then all of a sudden, he realized how stupid he could be, how he could not know that it is because of him. Eyeing the younger, he pops the question up, wanting to ease his tingling theory of what may possibly cause Tao to be like this.

“Is it because of Kris?”

Luhan would have doubted his theory after seeing Tao’s unaffected response, but when he touched the younger’s arm and called his name softly, tears spilled from the latter’s eyes—proving how much he is right with his theory. Tao cried and it was heartbreaking; it broke Luhan’s heart seeing him like this and he took the younger in his arms, softly humming him and patting his back comfortingly. He kept his mouth sealed from any words, to prevent himself from worsening the situation, knowing well how he would curse Kris for what he had done to Tao.

After some time and after calming down the crying Tao, Luhan watches the broken Tao dazedly stares at the sheets of his bed, probably thinking or just too lost. Luhan doesn’t want to reopen the subject, but he has to; to solve the problem at hand.

“Do you love him?” It was a simple question, but why does it sounds so heavy? Luhan doesn’t even know why he is feeling that way and he wonders if Tao is feeling the same also. Silence filled the gaps for a bit, before Tao gazes at him with a confused expression that clearly expressed that he doesn’t know.

“Then why are you crying? If he had done something that he considered as a mistake, why are you crying, Zitao?”

“I don’t know.” Zitao tells him, confused and desperate for answers just like him. When tears once again spilled, Luhan realized something. That even though they have different problems, they share the same pain, darkness and loneliness. He realized how they have things in common, a fraud play for all—they were both looking for answers.

He realized that they were lost in their own road, and that they don’t know how to get back.

“I’m sorry,” Luhan whispers, unusually soft and almost breaking into a sob. Luhan crawls to his side, enclosing the younger to an embrace as he mutters his sorry. Apologizing for not realizing his pain, loneliness and darkness; apologizing that he forgot him, that he was all focused in work and searching for Sehun. He mutters his apology, tightening the embrace as a tear left his eye and the others followed soon after.

When Luhan wakes up the next morning, he feels tired, but nonetheless got up and prepared for work. He sadly gazes at the younger, before he leaves his room.

~

Luhan feels lost and zoned out many times. His mind wasn’t in the right track and every meeting he would be startled whenever his attention is to be called for his opinion and thoughts. Leaving those, he doesn’t know if he should confront Kris or so, but he doesn’t know what to do.

Instead, he lets himself drop himself into his bed, feeling its warmth and softness. He takes the pocket watch out under his pillow, opening the cover and saw the unmoving time. He doesn’t know why Sehun gave him an unmoving time, but he does know that it is important and a memory of Sehun before he was taken away. It was only his source of hope and comfort.

While in 7 years he worked, he never found Sehun, no matter what he does, he never found him. And yet, he still tries. Tries to look for him that even it may look impossible, but he still does because he loves him and he promised the younger that he’ll come and find him. He always kept his promise.

Letting out a sigh, Luhan closes the pocket watch and closes his eyes, letting sleep claim him.

~

“Why are you only calling me now?!” Luhan shouts on the phone, frustration evident in his voice. Himchan called him and asked him for the files for Blue Star’s contract with his hotel. A mutual friendship, as Yongguk would tell him. Rummaging through his closets and drawers, he found the files after 20 minutes of searching and left his room.

Running through the road, Luhan hopes he gets to the cafe on time, because damn, why does Himchan have to call so late? Waiting for the red signal to go green, Luhan misses the figure who is also tensed and is on rush just like him on the other side of the pedestrian line. When the stoplight turned red and the red signal turned green, Luhan quickly runs as so the latter at each side of the crowd in the middle, completely missing each other’s sight.

Luhan quickly turns left and head straight to the cafe while Sehun who got on the other side, stops for a bit and turns around, watching the crowd goes forth and back, an unsettling feeling settling in his heart, but shakes his head and quickly runs back to the hospital.

As Luhan arrived on the cafe, he misses the sight of someone and bumps into him, causing the files to fall on the floor. Luhan bit his lip and crouches as he picks up the files that is scattered on the floor. He hears the person he bumped into mumbles something under his breath before crouching down and helps him gather the scattered files. Both stood up and the man gives him the files. Luhan bows, uttering his thanks and apology before taking his leave and run to the second floor of the cafe.

“Himchan!” Luhan shouts and the latter smiles and waves his hand.

“Hey.”

“Where’s the director?”

“Oh, he’s not here yet, but he said he’ll be here soon,” Himchan cheekily says and Luhan has to stop himself from smacking Himchan in the head.

“And you seriously had me running from the hotel to here?!” Luhan growls at him and Himchan smirks in response.

“Love the exercise?”

Himchan feels pain at the back of head.

 

• Tao’s POV

I don’t know.

I don’t know why I’m acting like this. Why I feel so weak, vulnerable and sensitive. I know that it is not simply because of what happened. But maybe it is because of my feelings? I don’t know. I mostly spent my days with him because I found my happiness whenever I’m together with him. Even though he may act so cold and very intimidating, he really has a warm and caring personality. Almost childish in some ways, but he is a person that someone could lean into.

I don’t know.

It wasn’t supposed to happen, but it happened anyways. I started to have feelings for him. It was unintentional, but whenever I would go out together with him, spent my day with him, my heart swells with affection for him. I know I shouldn’t, but I fell for him.

This isn’t the first time I’m hurt like this.

Once while we are out, he told me about his feelings for his best friend and that unfortunately, his friend doesn’t like him at all, but considered him as a brother only and sadly to say, he still has feelings for him. Though small, but still he has feelings for him. He cares for him and would do anything to make him happy. It actually pained my heart to hear those, but I have to swallow it up and have to understand him.

It was difficult.

The more I spent my time with him, the more I fall for him. It hurts me that he will never know how much I like him, because he has his heart reserved for another and there’s no space left for me. And besides, why would he like someone like me who is mute? He would have been better off with someone who is normal and not disabled. It really takes a toll on me for having such feelings for him, feelings that I wish I shouldn’t have.

It would have been okay. I would have been able to stay with him just friends, but the time when I heard him talking with Luhan saying that he doesn’t like me made struck me in the heart—I would have been totally fine with it, but with his action the last time we met, left me confused and in pain. It pierced my heart, his words; it was painful to hear it.

“It was a mistake.”

I felt betrayed, confused and have been played on as if he knew my feelings for him. The kiss was simple, but it was memorable, a treasure that I would keep even if he said that it was a mistake for him, but not for me. Even though he doesn’t like me, I wished. I wished there would be a day where he would also like me just like the way how I like him. It may be impossible, but I just wish that it may happen.

When Luhan confronted me about it, I wasn’t able to control my emotions and everything was dizzy, confusing and pain filled my heart when at that time I don’t know what I truly feel. When Luhan apologized, I knew he realized something important that made him apologize. I don’t blame him. It wasn’t his fault to begin with. I knew that he warned me about not falling for Kris, but he was too late. I already fell in love with him by then. I only remembered before I fell asleep was that both of us were cuddled together then darkness.

Morning arrived by then, too early and I felt so heavy. I felt my head pounding and the other side of my bed vacant. I knew Luhan would have gone to work by then and I dismissed it when I decided to have some more sleep. Waking up around the second time, I lazily got up from bed, showered and clothe myself in casual clothes. Leaving the hotel, I decided to go to the mall to buy myself some things that I need.

It was unexpected. Really.

I didn’t know he would be there. Never did I imagine that he would be in the same mall as me and would be in the same store. Coincidence? Maybe. I was buying some headphones for my phone, when suddenly I heard his voice that automatically made me snap my head towards him. I ghastly muttered several curses under my breath and prayed he wouldn’t see me, but unfortunately, he turned his head and our gazes met.

I wasn’t ready to face him yet. Not neither now nor later.

After what happened in the bridge had made uncomfortable with him. My trust for him never decreased, but facing him was difficult. The pain in my heart aches as I recall it every time and I had no courage to face him. When our eyes met, those familiar dark brown orbs that made me fall in love with him sends chills to my spine as my heart races.

“Tao,” he whispers my name and I felt the urge to leave the place immediately, abandon the headphones and go somewhere else. Rather doing that, I stood frozen on my place in my place when Kris approached me, his slightly messy hair complimenting his loose shirt so well.

“Tao,” he calls my name and I instantly gaze down at the floor, avoiding his gaze. He calls my name again and I shut my eyes, trying not to fall for it and prayed that he’ll leave. Unfortunately, he didn’t instead he places his hand on my shoulder that send me shrugging it off and look at him with a pained look on my face sighting his startled face. Embarrassed and uncomfortable, I left the shop without looking back.

• Yixing

Yixing found himself standing in the wide, exquisite and familiar-looking living room. All too familiar and painful. His eyes gaze at the critical arts of the room and immediately knew all too well what is to happen. His eyes turned to the entrance of the room, watching a tall lady drag the child by the hair and an equally in height a young man followed behind. He watches her hurl the child on the floor, a sickening feeling starting to pool on his stomach. Yixing watched the lady spitted her venomous words, so harsh and unmerciful of her words, not even caring of what it may affect to the child. His heart pounds in his ribcage, breathing shortened in all possible way as he hears out her words.

'Stop. Please. No.'

'Please, I don't want to hear it anymore. Enough please, I beg of you.'

Yixing breaks down, tears spilling off too harshly and pained as his mother's words rings in his mind again, over and over again like a mantra that make him guilty of all the faults of the world. He feels cold as the scene diminishes into ominous darkness, alone and pained Yixing could feel his heart slowly shattering from the pain--all too heavy to bear and endure.

Gently, Yixing felt a warm hand placed on his shoulder, comforting and safe; letting his heart settle down in rest. Slowly, the brunette looks up, tear-filled eyes met with a familiar pair of brown hue eyes; all too familiar and gentle. Yixing wants to cry again, not because of pain, but because of happiness that finally someone, someone is here for him.

'Suho.'

A warm gentle smile was the response and Yixing felt at ease, comforted and safe. Suho caresses his hair, gentle and sweet and Yixing leaned in the caress, appreciating it with his heart as tears seems to stop.

"Don't cry Yixing," Suho whispers to him, eyeing the crying boy and gently wiping off the remaining tears from the younger, a smile approaches after. Yixing wants to reach out to him, to cry out in his chest and wants to feel safe in the secure of his arms, but when he reached out his hand, Suho dissolves into twinkles of light. Yixing feels baffled for a moment, before he looks at the sides in frantic, searching for his guardian.

Moments passed before he gives up, new, fresh tears rolls down as the feeling of worthlessness fills his core being. He closes his eyes, the deafness of silence shatters him altogether as the darkness covers him whole.

--

Slowly fluttering his eyes open, Yixing sees the familiar white ceiling again; a sense of relief washing over him before he slowly sits up and catches his breath. Feeling the wetness in his cheeks, Yixing wipes it off, sniffling a bit before he releases a sigh. Yixing takes a look good around and all seems pretty much the same. A sigh left his lips before he takes a look at the window, collecting his thoughts as he reminisce the nightmare he had. It wasn't pleasant at all and he wonders why he had remembered it when he made sure he kept it all away for good.

A horrible feeling settled in his heart and his heart seems to pound heavily and rushed as if something is going to happen that would probably cause him pain. Shaking his head and setting the thought aside, he thought the part where Suho appeared before him and told him not to cry. It was comforting and very pleasant, a soft smile expressing his feeling as he reminisce Suho's gentle smile.

"Suho," Yixing whispers, hearing nothing, but enough to have a pleasant feeling in his heart when he whispered Suho's name. It felt nice, pleasant, comforting and right. He feels his heart rush in excitement and yearns to see Suho and bathe in presence and talk with him again, but the previous night event hindered his feelings altogether at once, bringing back the pain that he once felt the night before.

Suddenly, his thoughts were interrupted abruptly, his ears picking up footsteps from the hallways. He was always praised to have keen hearing sense from his 'father' and he would always respond back with a shy smile. Detecting the footsteps which are becoming nearer and nearer to his room, Yixing felt alarmed. The footsteps are different, rare and seemingly new and unknown to him. He had known the footsteps of others for he always listened to it and detected its difference with each other.

Turning his attention towards the door, he could hear the steps come into a halt, his eyes caught sight of the looming shadow beneath the door and Yixing felt nervous all of a sudden, dreading who is to come. Hearing the creak of the door, Yixing feels his heart drop when he cites who came in. Closing the door, they approaches Yixing with their cold and distant steps and Yixing almost cringed when he hears the voice of his mother.

"Yixing," she greets him with a smile and his father smiled a little as a form of greeting him. Yixing made no acts of responding and somehow it escapes the line of Li Mei.

"Your father and I decided to make a surprise visit for you! I hope we didn't disturb you." When she got no response from the latter, Li Mei tries to change the subject, "we brought your favorites fruits and also a toy bear! You love big, soft and plushy bears, right? Here, take this. We bought the big one which definitely suits your style." Li Mei grabs the big bag from Cha Liao's hand, taking it out and settling it beside Yixing.

"Pretty, isn't it?"

Yixing takes a look at the doll, eyeing it and notices the big black eyes, a thread of smile and its glistening, soft furs. Feeling somehow enlightened, Yixing has the urged to touch it, but soon dismisses it when he darts his look back to his parents, sighting Cha Liao putting the basket of fruit on the table. Pursing his lips, he takes a moment to breathe and calm his heart down and when he did, he worriedly casted a look at his parents, mouthing a 'thank you' before lowering his head.

Silence soon enveloped them, the warm rays cascading down a bit slow and the coldness of the room growing more as time passes by. Soft drop of water from the IV bag clashes with the deafness creating a melodic hum of rhythm throughout the deafening room of Yixing’s. After awhile when the rhythm hushes out into a silent buzz, Li Mei takes a step forward to his bed, capturing his attention as he gazes at his mother’s purplish-red eyes, gazing at his son’s frame, she smiled.

“Say, my child. How do you like if mama and baba take you home?” she asked with her unusual tender and gentle voice that Yixing flinched, because he rarely heard his mother used that kind of tone; probably twice he heard it. Biting his lip in habit of being trapped in a dilemma, Yixing gazes down at his blanket, noticing that his blanket is in hue of purple (just to keep him distracted), thinking a bit for the right answer. Truth to be told, he is scared. Really scared and how he wished for Suho to be right here by his side. Whenever his mother would ask him, it must be the right answer or else, punishment will come and he feared them most—either by words or by physical abuse; both hurts anyways.

Keeping up for a long time, Yixing felt chill run to his spine when Li Mei spoke again, her gentle and tender tone slowly vanishing away, waiting for his answer.

“Just answer, Yixing. Yes or no. Just a simple answer.” She was demanding for an answer and Yixing panics. If he would say no, he would probably hear some nasty words from her and he doesn’t want to hear those, but if he says yes, torture will sure rise when he stays with them and he fears that he might die pathetically by their hands and he doesn’t want that, not when he found Suho and his life.

Looking up and meeting her icy gaze, Yixing winces before gathering up courage and slowly shakes his head. Yixing knew he has it when Li Mei’s lips formed into a deep frown before turning into a nasty scowl and Yixing silently prays for any interpose that may cause to interfere whatever is to happen. But sadly, it doesn’t come true.

“Why not, Yixing? Aren’t you happy to see your parents?” Li Mei icily remarked, her eyes turning red in anger and Yixing pursed his lips in anxiety. Frankly, if Yixing would have a voice, he would have told his mother that she’s crazy. Because where in the world will you find a child be happy to see his parents that abandoned him and deemed him not worthy of their family and left him to a stranger’s care purposely? Hilarious would it have been if he would have to voice that out, but Yixing knows that couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to do that, because even if he has a voice, he wouldn’t say to his mother who is the superior between the two of them.

Gulping silently, Yixing closes his eyes when Li Mei’s knocks his head to the side several times by her finger. It hurts, yes, but it hurts more when her words struck like a sword to his being. It hurts more than pain and death.

“Ungrateful child, aren’t you selfish of your life? You should be thanking us for letting you live in this world and thus, you should be grateful to us, because you owe your life to us,” Li Mei spat to him her cruel words and Yixing could only do was shut his eyes more tighter than before and let himself be abused by his mother, physically or mentally (both actually).

“What have you learned for the past years, Yixing? Didn’t Zhu Yix teach you anything? And here I thought he was a great man, but it turns out that he wasn’t. Foolish man, you and him deserve to be together—just like father and son. How remarkably fateful, huh? You ungraceful child.” Li Mei laughs maniacally afterwards, that turned out into a surprise shock when a huge teddy bear was hurled to her; her gaze turning to her son who was crying, face marked with anger.

Yixing doesn’t know why he did that, but it just did. But maybe it was because Li Mei was disgracing his ‘father’ who raised him as his own child. Or maybe because of the revelation that was slapped on him that his ‘father’ was truly his father and not the puppet father who stands motionless and unaffected by what is happening. It just passes by so fast after he felt the bubbling sensation in his chest: anger. Hurling the teddy bear wasn’t a good idea, but it felt right for once in Yixing’s life.

Anger slipped on and off, as Yixing’s lips tremble as he mouths his sorrow.

“Why are you like this? Why do you hate me so much? What did I do to deserve this?”

Li Mei smirked at his question, crazy enough to be deemed. “Because you’re a disgrace. You weren’t supposed to be born, but because of that Zhu Yix, you were born you filthy child. My true 1^st child died because you have to replace it. It’s all because of you, that’s why.”

“And those are the reasons why you hate me? I didn’t want any of those!”

Li Mei laughs mockingly at him. “Didn’t want any? Sure you don’t. But because you lived, I would have to hate you forever for killing my child. Is that enough reason, my child?” Li Mei sickeningly sweetly says that Yixing chokes his sob and painfully cries his heart out as he places his hands on his face, crying over the heavy pain and guilt that is placed on him. Rolling her eyes, Li Mei snickered so casually, not particularly caring for the crying child.

“Such a drama, Yixing! Grow up, you child! You’re not a kid anymore. You’re an adult and be like one! And this is why you’re a disgrace. You’re not an ordinary child, Yixing. Look at yourself. Look at how different you are from the children you see in the hospital whenever you go outside with Suho or Zhu Yix. Look at yourself and notice how different you are. You’re sickly, you’ve got many diseases, you are pale as if you are dead and most importantly, you live in a hospital. Isn’t that strange, my child? Isn’t it? You have no life, Yixing. You live by the chemicals of the hospital and without those, you are nothing.” Li Mei wickedly grins when Yixing’s frame trembled and shook as he collapses from breakdown, his sanity driven to the edge and his heart shattered by all to none. The words he dreaded to hear came and it broke his being altogether. He cries in anguish, sickened by himself and all; his being crumbling into ashes and Yixing wants nothing more now but death.

Li Mei claps her hands like it’s a congratulation, which is in fact for her, actually. Cha Liao, after all this time, takes a step forward and intertwines his hand with hers, squeezing it as if giving it a sign to stop. Thankfully, she does, a playful smile adorning her young face, seemingly making her look innocent and child-like. What a deceitful woman clothed in a sheep’s wool.

“Come on, Cha. Let’s go.”

As soon as they left, Yixing could hear their voices and it made him sickened more of his being when he heard their conversation just outside the door.

“You should stop this, Li Mei. Yixing is still your child no matter what just like Ji.”

“What child, Cha? I don’t have a son nor do I have a daughter. I’m still a childless parent, Cha. My firstborn died, remember?”

“Li Mei.”

“He’s not my child. Remember, I gave him to his father and I cut him off from all the connection to the Zhangs. He’s not my child, Cha. Not mine—and will never be.”

How cruel could she have been more? Yixing felt like dying right now, the best choice if he was going to choose. He is sickened of himself already, ashamed and felt his life was all a lie. He was indeed nothing, just like what Li Mei said to him, back then and now. He is nothing and that’ll remain as true.

Cries of the mourning, Yixing curls into a fetal position, the curtains ruffling the window as the light fades out and darkness, coldness and loneliness envelopes his solitude; showing how much he is like in a prison. He cries and cries and silently yearns for one person in his heart and soul.

“Suho.”

 

• Myungsoo & Chanyeol

Myungsoo stares at the embroided frame in his hand, a picture of a family of the lost, smiles portrayed of the past that seemingly means a dream now. A sad smile crept its way; memories linger around as a soft sigh left his lips.

The front door opens and Myungsoo shifts his gaze to the door as he sets the frame down and watches a familiar pair of long, slender legs comes in.

"Chanyeol," he whispers, watching his younger brother carelessly flung his bag to the couch and takes a sit across him. Observing his brother, Myungsoo notices the grim look on his brother's face.

"What's wrong?" he asks, concerned, worried about his grim look. Chanyeol flicks his gaze to him, dull and hollow and Myungsoo's expression turned serious, feeling something is up as the atmosphere around them sunk down.

"Myungsoo hyung," Chanyeol starts flatly, "how could you? You know how it is hard for me and you still met up with her. I didn't confront you because I was expecting that you'll tell me, but you didn't. Why did you tell her?" Chanyeol finishes, his tone pleading for answers, yet his eyes showed otherwise.

Myungsoo stares at his brother and saw the conflicting pain in his face. He slumps his body on the back of the chair, letting out a soft sigh after before gazing at Chanyeol.

"She has to know. Either ways, she has to know because she has the right. S-" Chanyeol cuts him off by slamming his fist on the table, anger revealed in his eyes and Myungsoo calmly stared at him.

"Right? What right does she even have? She has no right Myungsoo! She doesn't even have a single right to know what is happening to me and my life!" Chanyeol's voice rose in every sentence, temper rising every minute under every heavy weight.

Myungsoo shifts his gaze to the picture frame, ignoring Chanyeol's complaints before taking a long brown envelope from the small desk resting on the wall. Chanyeol calmed down a bit, eyes focused on the brown envelope curiously as Myungsoo slid it in front of him.

"This," Myungsoo whispers, "is the result. You may throw it or burn it or do whatever you like to it. But I suggest that you look at it first before you do anything to it."

Chanyeol gazes at him before taking the envelope, his hands trembling a bit by the sudden news thrown to him. Myungsoo gazes at the smiling Chanyeol in the picture before he sets the frame down, a sigh leaving his lips.

"Ying has the right because she was the one who accompanied you throughout, filled your empty days and had given you memorable memories. She protected you when your world was about to crumble and had lighten your dark sky. She has every right, Chanyeol. She did a lot for you and thus she had the right to know everything about you and your life," Myungsoo finishes with a soft pat on his shoulder, calming and comforting before he walks his way to his room.

Chanyeol kept his silence as he takes the papers out. Scanning through, his eyes focused hardly on the painful result of the papers, breath hitching on the way as his hands tremble in every words. Papers slowly set down, Chanyeol feels like laughing. And so he does. He laughs. He laughs hollowly and dull before his laughter soon turns into cries; cries of unreasonable pain.

"So it’s like this? Fine. So let it be."

---

Myungsoo could feel his energy drain away from him the moment he stepped on his room. Sliding down to the floor, Myungsoo felt the air around him suffocate him, slowly taking away his life piece by piece. He coughs out when he regained his breath, heaving a lot of air to maintain his lungs.

It was painful. The result that came from the doctor wasn't pleasant at all, and Myungsoo felt a part of him was taken away. Sungyeol comforted him about it, when he visited the latter in his room before he goes home. He seeks comfort from Sungyeol who gladly comforted him and made him strong.

A whisper of someone familiar breathes out on his ear and Myungsoo felt the pang of pain and decided not to waste anything anymore, but to settle down and do his part. Luck wasn't always on their side, Myungsoo always knew, but he hoped. He always had hoped that their symbol of phoenix would protect them like their parents had told them so when they were young. He doesn't really believe on his parents stories about their phoenix protecting them and had been their guardian since the past. He doesn't believe it unlike contrary to his younger brother who believed on it. He was crushed when he had realized what the broken trust had sunken down for his younger brother who was still a child of innocence and naivety.

Everything was hard for them, from the moment they lost their parents until now. They still had problems even if it doesn't show likely. He knew he wasn't really the victim, but his younger brother who it all up and never released it even once. Then he remembers that he calls him a bottle, because he looks like a bottle, and realization broke down on him when he grew up, realizing how much those words were true and seems like a curse.

He wonders if the Chanyeol he is seeing alive and flesh is really Chanyeol. His lovable and young brother. He wonders if he is still even in this world, living his life like others and still human. He wonders if there is really a phoenix to begin with, because he would like to hope. Hope and ask the phoenix to do its part and diminish the pain.

Seeing his brother live, alive and breathing still, it was a relief, but seeing his actions, attitude and personality aches his heart. Once, he even complain to his parents why they left them so early, is that so to see them suffer? To make them in pain? Myungsoo laughs at the useless and ridiculous thoughts back then, tears cascading down slowly as he continues to laugh. He was a sacrifice among, a sacrifice that has to live finely outside, but live in pain in the inside, watching the others suffer in front of him.

"Why do I always have to watch my love ones suffer? Doing nothing, but stand and watch them suffer and leave my side." Tears become the song of the sacrifice, singing his tears to the streak of flaming wind and across the horizon.

---

"Hello?"

"Hey, Jongin," was the reply, pained and hoarse. It took a moment before shuffling of sounds was heard on the other line, seemingly saying that Jongin was in bed or doing something.

"What's wrong?" Jongin replies quickly, worry evident in his voice and Chanyeol smiles a bit at this. He in a sharp air, feeling his body tremble a bit from the crying he did awhile ago.

"I'm fine, Jongin. Don't worry about me," Chanyeol tells him reassuringly and Jongin doubts it immediately.

"You won't be calling me if there is no problem, Chanyeol. And it's already evident in your voice that you were previously crying. Tell me what happened."

Chanyeol chuckles at his stubbornness, one of the things that he liked about Jongin and reason for sticking with him. He looks around his room, scattered books, clothes, things, broken vases and torn--a mess it was. He smiles at it dazedly, his vision blurring a bit, but soon becomes clear again.

"I said I'm fine, Jongin. You don't have to worry about me. I called you because I want to hear my friend's voice, okay? Don't get any wrong ideas," he warns him at the end before chuckling again, because he can't believe that he could still make a joke like that despite his current condition. The other line was silent and Chanyeol knew that Jongin is probably thinking and he smiles at the boy's concern.

"Fine. But that doesn't mean I believe you. I'll let it go for now. Just tell me soon, okay? Kris and I, we're your friends, Chanyeol, and you can count on us. Just tell us soon. I'll tell Kris about this," Jongin whispers back to him.

"Okay. I will. Soon enough, I'll tell you both. Thank you Jongin and sorry for bothering you."

"It's okay. See you soon."

"Yeah. Bye." And he ends the call, throwing his phone on his bed before hanging his head low, a long and deep sigh leaving his lips.

"What is trust and loyalty? What do those two words mean at all? Friendship? That's long buried down. Loyalty and trust are no more, but merely a simple connection."

A hollow laughter follows after.

~

The next morning, Chanyeol feels rather stupid, feeling all too weak and crazy. He got a heavy headache and it causes more heavy feeling in his heart, more frustration and pain. He throws his pillows across his room, everything he could get hands on. Broken shards decorates the floor, books, pillows and papers spreads along as tears flows out from his eyes, anger and pain reflects through it.

He gazes at his table and saw the frame of his past and anger fuels his frame and quickly he moves to his table and takes it by hand, raises it high up ready to throw it to the floor, but he can’t. Trembling hands, tears pools in his eyes, face marked with anger; he lowers his hand, collapses to the ground and cries his heart out, holding the picture frame on his chest as he screams out his pain and misery.

It’s been a long time since he cried.

“Bai Xian.”

~

He stares at the cafe, the places where he saw his lost childhood friend and love. It feels so distant, but the warm feeling is present and he feels safe and comforted. He knows that it is early, but he doesn’t care. Even though the cafe seems closed, but Chanyeol hears a piano playing inside and he knows that Baekhyun is inside.

Slowly stepping in and making sure the other doesn’t notice him (or maybe that Baekhyun is just too absorbed just to notice him), he stares at the older’s back. His eyes reflected the yearning, his childhood friend and his first love. The distance between them is so great and Chanyeol yearns for him even though Baekhyun is close. The gap is too wide and Chanyeol doesn’t know if he could reach out for him, and he tries.

Approaching the older, he silently wraps his arms on his waist, feeling Baekhyun tensed at the sudden disturbance and stops playing. He closes his eyes calls him.

“Hyung.” It sounded so broken, but Chanyeol doesn’t mind, it sounded nice to him because it reflected his emotions very well. He places his chin on his shoulder, smelling his scent that he somehow felt eased.

“Don’t. Just...just let me hug you. Let me hug you for awhile. I need you to stay still and just...just let me do this. Do this in favor for me, hyung. Please.” It may sound desperate, but it is true. It is what he wants and he hopes Baekhyun would give it to me. All he wants is to hug the latter and have some sense of comfort and safety. It is all what he needs. He follows Baekhyun’s movement, who stood up and settles on the floor. He tightens his hold a bit and buries his face on his shoulder, letting out a soft sigh.

When he hears a sound, pointing out a name, he realizes that Baekhyun attempts to say his name. A streak of happiness filled his heart, even though it is hoarse and really not that clear, he feels happy that Baekhyun called his name. Chanyeol chuckles in hushed tone, tightening his hold around Baekhyun’s waist again and letting his eyes close. He feels his frame warm, his heart filled with a momentary joy, but he’s willing to bet for it, take it because he needs to feel this.

He just needs to feel Baekhyun close to him even for once.

Just to shut away his pain.

• Sehun & Dr. Daehyun

"Hello, Nurse Sehun. What are you doing here in my office?" Daehyun asks, glasses on the bridge of his nose, papers in his hand and a raised eyebrow, looking questioningly at the nurse who stands by his door.

"Dr. Daehyun," Sehun greets him before he bows his head. Daehyun purses his lips, impatience getting over him and Sehun takes a quick recall about what he came for.

"Dr. Yunho and Dr. Changmin wants your presence in the meeting for the new alternative medicine," Sehun says, making Daehyun place the papers down on his table and got up, making his way to him. When Daehyun halts in front of him, Sehun recognizes the tiredness from his eyes, seemingly as if he hasn't been sleeping for a long time. A slight streak of worry spreads on his face and when Daehyun sees the worry on the young nurse's face, he chuckles a bit.

"Worried are we, Nurse Sehun?" Daehyun playfully teased, a smile pulled up as Sehun surprisingly looked at him.

"Um, no-I mean, yes! Did you sleep well?" Sehun stuttered along and Daehyun feels somehow eased by his concern. Taking a lingering look at the hallway, a sigh left his lips, haze blurring his eyes for a bit before he regains his focus again and turns to Sehun.

"No, I didn't. I've been awake for 3 days, doing paperwork and the usual," Daehyun replies, exhaustion lingering in his voice, but a tired playful smile pulled up after, seemingly wanted to assure the younger boy that he is okay despite that he is tired.

"Oh...I see." Daehyun notices his perturbed look and raised an eyebrow to the quiet nurse.

"What is it, Nurse Sehun? Do you still have anything to say? I still have a meeting to go to."

Sehun looks down, a bit flustered that Daehyun somehow caught him. He raises his head and determinedly looks at the doctor, hesitation fades away into nothing.

"After the meeting, do you want to go out for a coffee?" Sehun blurts out and soon feels his cheeks burning from the embarrassment he is feeling, his confidence draining down rock bottom. The latter kept his silence before a chuckle left his lips.

He pats the younger's head and said, "Sure. I'll meet you in the cafe around an hour and a half."

A smile crept its way up on both males.

~

"You are going to what? Going on a date with Dr. Daehyun?!" Woohyun shrieks at Sehun, his tone in disbelief and shocked. Sehun rolls his eyes on him and Woohyun grabbed his arm tightly.

"Yah! Do you even what you are doing?!" Woohyun yells at him and Sehun has to keep himself from rolling his eyes again. Slowly prying out the hand that has a steel grip on his arm, he sighs at the misunderstanding.

"Woohyun hyung, I'm not going on a date with Dr. Daehyun, okay? I just wanted him to take a break from work," the young nurse explains, trying to ease the misunderstanding that Woohyun has in mind. Woohyun still couldn't let the idea go, his mind closing into a determined conclusion that Sehun is going on a date with Dr. Daehyun, the doctor that they even barely knew and met for a few weeks only. He latches himself to Sehun, shaking his head frantically, not wanting Sehun to go with his stupid plan.

"No! You're going to set this down, Oh Sehun! I seriously forbid you from going with Dr. Daehyun!" Woohyun declares with frantic and determined voice, eyes glaring at his friend. Sehun sighs, a slip of smile make its way on his face.

"Woohyun hyung, I'm not going to have a date with Dr. Daehyun, okay? I just wanted to help him relieve some stress from work, just like what Suho hyung does for me. We're not going to have a relationship just like what in your mind," Sehun reassures the older male, trying to make the older understand that he wasn't going to replace Luhan. Woohyun looked at him with doubtful eyes, but soon resigned and lets go of him. Folding his legs, he takes his cream pillow and buries his chin in it, his eyes trained on the cream sheets of his bed. Sehun observes him and wonders at his strange silence.

"You do know that your past will soon diminish into a dream, right? That the present time will fill the vacant and lost time that fate ripped off from you. You know that time is limited for you and Luhan," Woohyun said in a strange voice, not so likely him, but Sehun isn't fazed by his strange prophecy, but takes it by heart, nodding solemnly for it.

"I know Woohyun hyung. I know. Time is soon up for me and Luhan," Sehun quietly responded, grim expression evident in his face, "but I want to cage myself in time, let time ticks on its own and let Luhan finds me. Even though it may sound that I'm setting my future, I wish for the best for it."

Woohyun lets out a sigh, humming after. Silence kept its still before Sehun reaches out his hand and caress the soft hair of Woohyun; a smile playing on his lips as he twirled the semi-long auburn hair. Woohyun gazes at him—nothing—before closing his eyes and let Sehun lull him into sleep.

“How long is your hair again?” Woohyun asks after he lies down and Sehun taking a sit beside his bed, still caressing his hair to lull him to sleep. He doesn’t know how long it is nor what color it is. Even if Sehun told him, he wouldn’t even know and even be satisfied. The young nurse didn’t respond for awhile, his soft eyes gazing at the almost sleeping patient of his. When the curtains ruffles from the breeze and brush against his hair, he takes the cue to speak.

“It’s above my waistline,” Sehun responded in a hushed manner, watching Woohyun smiles a bit before closing his eyes; knowing that the older just asked randomly to ease something within him, even though if Woohyun didn’t tell him, he knows that Woohyun wanted to ease his yearn to see.

“Leave. You’re going to be late for your date,” Woohyun mumbles through his half-conscious state. Sehun stops caressing his hair, an amused smile playing on his lips in response.

“Stupid. How many times do I have to tell you that it is not a date?”

~

“Nurse Sehun. You’re late. How could you even save a patient if you’re late?” Daehyun remarks as soon as Sehun arrives at the cafe, taking a sit across him with a pout visible on his face.

“I’m not in the hospital,” Sehun complained, causing Daehyun to raise an eyebrow, completely unsatisfied by his answer.

“A nurse is always a nurse, wherever he would be. Remember that, Nurse Sehun,” Daehyun scolded him, a mischievous gleam present in his both eyes that caused Sehun deepen the pout, but soon turned into a grin. Ordering a cup of latte, lime juice for Daehyun, both males settled in a comfortable silence where both enjoyed each other’s presence, the chatters of people and the smell of coffee and sweet juice collides creating a soft buzz seemingly like a soft melody for the both of them.

“Tell me, Nurse Sehun. I’ve been curious about you for a long time now, since the time I saw you standing on the airport last 7 years ago, dazed and lost. You look so broken as if the half of your soul is taken away from you. Tell me. Did your boyfriend find you?” Daehyun asks so casually as if the words that he had spoken weren’t surprising at all nor was it a simple curiosity for his words proved that he knows much that Sehun didn’t want to know. Sehun looks at him in shock, lips slightly parted as his eyes gaze at the older in confusion and surprise.

“How...what are you—“

“I know that much, Sehun. Don’t worry I’m not a gossiper. I’m just curious about your life and I find it interesting that after 7 years, your boyfriend hasn’t found you still. Don’t you think it’s weird? I just want to know how things are going for you and how you are hanging by your thin string of hope for him,” Daehyun interrupts, his gaze falling to the silver ring that is nestled beautifully in Sehun’s forefinger, a small smile appearing as he gaze at the petrified nurse.

As much as Sehun wanted to know how much he knew, he couldn’t ask any because whatever Daehyun’s conclusions have come to the point of coming to know the pieces of his life, Sehun doesn’t ask anymore. Instead he tries to gain back his composure, taking a sip on his latte before letting out a soft sigh.

“It is weird, but I never stopped thinking of him. He has been my life and had been my voice since the time where I decided to keep my voice shut and pretend to be mute. He had been there for me, through thick and thin and never let me go. I believe that he’ll find me soon, because it was his promise and he never broke any. I’m still hanging, but it gets harder and harder everyday to live the life where you once knew and now is gone. Is that enough, Dr. Daehyun?” Sehun replies calmly, his voice almost at its breaking point but stood stable and his eyes show his unshed tears that glistened his eyes so tenderly. Daehyun stares at him a bit surprised but soon vanish away, replacing it by an expression of an understanding friend. Nodding it off, he smiles a bit, satisfied by the younger’s answer to him. It was all that he has to know. No matter how much he could crack up and know a person’s condition, he couldn’t find the satisfaction of understanding it all until he hears it from them.

Silence enveloped them, comfortable and not awkward as they let themselves lost in their own world. Daehyun felt a bit eased when he takes a sip on his lime juice, feeling the sour-sweetness melting all the fatigue and stress he had been experiencing for the past three days. Sehun feels rather contented to have given his answer to the doctor, somehow easing up that he had relayed another burden off from his shoulder. As they let themselves be covered with a comfortable and warm atmosphere, Daehyun’s phone buzzed on his pocket, taking it out and seeing a message from a colleague.

From: Dr. Changmin

Daehyun, Sehun’s with you, right? I need you to tell him that he is needed in the hospital.

Thank you!

Puffing out a complaint, Daehyun sighs and decides to let the young nurse off and let himself have a time of himself and have a bit rest. Daehyun tells him off that Changmin needs him there and he chuckles when Sehun abruptly stood up, muttering under his breath some words—Shoot! I forgot that Dr. Changmin needs me!—along with the lines—should have checked the time. He’s going to kill me!—before Sehun says a quick goodbye and left in a hurry, almost tripping on his feet.

After Sehun left, Daehyun took some time of peace, having himself feel the rest that he yearned for when he was locked up in his office for three days. It felt nice to step outside again and he felt the need to thank the nurse. He forgot to, but he vowed to thank him soon enough. Finishing up his lime juice, a small smile present on his face, he stood up and leaves the table. Approaching the door, he bumps into someone whose files were carrying fell on the floor. Muttering his carelessness under his breath, Daehyun helps the man picks up the scattered files. Once he gathered it all, he gave it to the young man who bowed a bit and muttered a thank you and sorry before scurrying off.

Staring a bit more at the young man, Daehyun decides to take his leave and help himself with a walk in the park to feel the nature once again and be rejuvenated again.

• Suho & Director Zhu Yix

Suho felt rather shocked when Dir. Xing phoned him and wants him to meet up in the nearby cafe all of a sudden. Feeling rather perplexed and dazed, Suho found himself at the cafe, panting and sighting Dir. Xing waving his hand with a pleasant smile on his face. Caught in breath, Suho seated himself across the director, confusion clearly expressed on his face, but Dir. Xing only pushed the prepared and still brewing hot chocolate.

“I didn’t order coffee because I think it’s bad for you and I’m worried for your health,” Dir. Xing says with a fatherly smile and Suho can’t ignore such kindness, so he takes the cup and takes a sip, feeling the sweet taste graze his tongue so sweetly. He sets the cup down and questioningly looks at the director.

“Why are you here so early, Dir. Xing? There’s like a week left and you’re already here. Have you been here for a long time?”

Dir. Xing chuckles at his words, so blunt and precise; a reason why he is fond of Suho. He gazes slightly at his drink before meeting Suho’s brown orbs. The buzzes of people rang on their ears, but neither of them seems to be affected, as they proceed to their conversation.

“Well, you could say that. I mean I haven’t been here a long time, just for a few days I guess?”

Suho raised an eyebrow, giving Dir. Xing a disbelief look that caused the director to chuckle.

“Look here, Dr. Suho,” Dir. Xing calls him in his proper status, enunciating the fact that he is taking the conversation to control and seriously, “the point is not why I am here so early than the expected date. The point is to why I called you is because I want to talk about Yixing.”

Color drained away from Suho when he heard Dir. Xing’s words; so precise and heavy at the same time. He could feel his heart beat loudly against his chest, pounding heavily as if warning him of something. It’s too early, he thoughtlessly thought, to hear about Yixing and his past so early. Dir. Xing saw the uneasiness on him, but that didn’t stop him from what he came for; to why he came back so early. Letting his eyes gaze on the clear polished brown table, the streak of light shifts before taking his cue to start.

“Yixing isn’t really a Zhang to begin with,” Dir. Xing starts up that caught Suho’s attention immediately, “technically, he is a Zhang, but Yixing is not a legitimate child. He was a mistake.”

Suho could feel his mouth dry, throat tightening and mind hazy from the words. Not a Zhang? Not a legitimate child? A mistake? What is Dir. Xing saying?

“That’s—what? Yixing is a mistake? What...what are you saying, Dir. Xing?” Suho asked with alert, shock evident in his voice that didn’t faze the man across him as if knowing how he’ll react.

“Li Mei is a cruel woman, wicked and ruthless. She has no care of other’s feelings but only cared for herself. She’s a selfish woman, coined with greediness; she’s a woman that is to be feared. For a person who uses others like a puppet in her specific uses and benefits, her beauty’s radiance blinding who she really was, Li Mei, I consider, is a monster,” Dir. Xing voice grew bitter and harsh as he spoke of her.

“What is your connection with her, Dir. Xing?” Suho bluntly asked, the question formulated so quickly and easy in his mind and thoughtlessly blurted it out as if he knew Dir. Xing is hiding something. Hearing his question, Dir. Xing sadly smiles that wind up as a curiosity to Suho.

“Because...she’s the woman that gave birth of our child.”

Drowned in silence of the revelation that is revealed to him, Suho felt all noises stop, time stilling from all the odds and evens because of what he has heard. Li Mei and Dir. Xing? They...are the parents of Yixing?

“What?” Suho thinks that’s the only word he could blurt out for the moment, because what is happening here? What did he just heard? Yixing was born because of the mistake between Dir. Xing and Li Mei? What nonsense is that!

“You’re kidding, right? There’s no way that Yixing could be your child and Li Mei’s. That’s not possible. He has his own parents, not you. Yixing is a legitimate child of the Zhang’s. He’s not a mistake,” Suho spoke rashly, blinded with ridicule of things, he spoke without thinking of what really happened. All Dir. Xing could do was smile at him, knowing well that talking of how Yixing was born would drive Suho to the cliff so quickly. He knew that Suho was easily convinced of reality’s delusions of proper satisfaction of rationality and sanity, but he also knew that Suho knew that reality is something he couldn’t dream of what it is like. Yixing would tell him soon of his past, pieces of his past and the forged acknowledgment of who the real parents are and he needs to clear that up soon and let the secret be buried forever.

“Unfortunately, Dr. Suho, he is. I’ve gotten the DNA test since a long time ago and the DNA confirmed that Yixing is my child, Suho and so is Li Mei’s is his mother.”

Even though the reality may be harsh, Suho has to accept what he is hearing. The DNA confirmed it and there’s no doubt on it—ever. Feeling heavy all of a sudden, Suho wants to turn away from the reality, but he forced himself to listen to Dir. Xing, wanting to hear how it came to this.

“Li Mei was my childhood friend and she was the woman I knew from back then until now. She was wicked, yet I still stayed by her side because she was lonely. Lonely until she grew up, I endured and watched her grow up beautiful with her wretched soul. I love her still, yesterday until today, even though she is taken, I still stayed by her side because that’s the least thing I could do for her as her friend,” Dir. Xing paused, seemingly recalling his past and Suho saw the faint shimmer of admiration and love for Li Mei and his heart ached in pity, “One day, we met again after 3 years and went out for dinner. Things went by so fast and the next thing I know was that she was sleeping on my bed. We didn’t talk about it and when we next met after a year and the time when I had taken Yixing, she appeared and told me that Yixing is their child. I didn’t know back then, but after some time, I noticed that I grew attached to Yixing, a child that has nothing to do with me.

“Then I took a step and found out through the DNA that he was my son and that Li Mei’s the mother because she was the only one whoever slept on my bed. And to prove my theory, I took a strand of her hair when we last met and checked if she was the mother. I prayed Suho. I prayed that she wasn’t, but she was.” Dir. Xing’s voice broke at the end, regret and disappointment filling his last words as the unshed tears glisten his eyes and Suho wanted to comfort him, tell him that he was sorry and that he didn’t understand him, but he stood rooted on his chair as Dir. Xing continues.

“­­­­­­­I took care of Yixing and let him be by his mother, wanting him to let the motherly love, but I found out that Yixing was being abused by his mother, the useless husband doing nothing and just watched how Yixing suffers in his life. I didn’t want that, Suho. I don’t want that for Yixing so I took him away from them and took him again in my wings and never let them see him again.”

Dir. Xing looks away and Suho thought that he just looked away for some distraction, but when he stared a bit longer, he realized that the director was crying; crying for his son’s suffering and horrible life back then and maybe when he regrets that he let Yixing stayed with his mother and for having been blinded by love. Suho watches the young father wipes off his tears, so rare and precious, before he sniffles and chuckles with a bit humor to compensate for the sad atmosphere he had brought up.

He doesn’t even know why he is telling this to Suho. He’s just a private nurse and also one of the greatest doctors around in the hospital. But deep inside he knew that Suho is one of his old friends, a companion who is worth trusting for and one who understands it all. He knew and trusts Suho will be good for Yixing, a guardian that’ll protect the frail flower, the one who’ll stay by his side and color his world and save him from his pain; an angel.

Suho purses his lips, gazing down at the table with a sympathetic look, pain swallowing his heart as he remembers the tear-stricken face of Yixing and how he calls his name in desperation. It aches his heart that he was blinded by jealousy, his heart coiled with confusion of feelings and how he was ignorant to every help that Yixing shouted.

It shatters his heart to know that he failed his duty and he feels the want to compensate for everything that he done to Yixing. After all that Yixing had experienced, he wants to apologize for everything and say that he’ll be a better person, that he’ll protect him from every pain and miseries of the world. He’ll be the angel, the guardian just like his nickname; Suho.

Yixing told him back then that it suited him, that his heart to help with compassion and grace deems him worthy to have that nickname. Realizing that, Suho feels guilty, all the pain he gave Yixing; it pierces his heart with guilt and pain. Tears pools in his eyes but never fall, instead has it glistens his eyes showing his regret and guilt. Dir. Xing gazes at him and sadly smiles a bit, letting out a soft ragged sigh.

“Yixing isn’t a “normal” boy,” Dir. Xing starts, making Suho look at him with confusion, “he’s beyond normal in the doctor’s page. He’s a boy with many sicknesses, frail and weak like a flower. He’s someone that is not considered as a living human, but someone living by a machine. He’s more than a child, Suho. He’s someone that you should hold in your arms because he is someone that could slip away without you knowing.”

Words were familiar on his ears as Suho felt his throat tightens, the words were ringing in his ears and mind and a flash of Yixing’s tear stricken face appeared on his head again. All too sudden, a tear slipped from his eye and realization breaks down on him. That he has wasted a lot of time. Too much. He wanted to leave and shout his frustrations and cry, because it’s too hard to bear anymore. All of it. It wasn’t easy, this kind of pain. Dir. Xing gaze at him with tender affection of a father, taking Suho’s hand with his, he squeezed it for assurance.

“Everything’s going to be alright. Everything. Don’t think too much of the past and make it up to Yixing,” he mutters with his soothing brass voice, making Suho incline to him with a suspended shock and surprise. A soft smile was the response, before Dir. Xing pulls away his hands and fixed his polo shirt, heaving out a sigh after.

“Dr. Daehyun.”

And that all it takes for Suho to widen his eyes in disbelief, betrayal settling too early in his eyes as his face flushed with burning anger creeping up.

“Dr. Daehyun?” Suho repeated as if he didn’t hear right. As of a matter of fact, he did, but he wants to confirm because it’s all too outrageous, not making a sense at all. Feeling something snapped inside of him, Suho was ready to leave and set forth to see Daehyun and strangle him to death for prying into one’s life.

“Cool down, Suho. I didn’t tell you his name for you to strangle him to death. I told you so that you wouldn’t be surprised if I would have known what is happening inside the hospital,” Dir. Xing replies, saying his intentions. Suho calms down a bit, calming his racing heart, but his anger still not down. He understood the director’s intention and of course, he wouldn’t let anything slip inside his hospital.

“Suho, I won’t be in the hospital for awhile, and I want you to handle things, okay? The others will help you and I trust you that you’ll do a good job,” Dir. Xing utters and Suho smiles and nods his head in response. It may be a heavy, but he promises to do a good job. When their eyes met, Suho could see a glint of sadness in his eyes and wonders why.

“Go back to your original position, Suho. Don’t live your life as a nurse. You’re a doctor, not a nurse.” Funny, Suho finds Dir. Xing’s voice pleading, but he knows that he is not pleading, but asking him to revert back to his original position. He smiles sadly and shakes his head.

“I’m sorry, Dir. Xing, but I can’t. I’m not deemed worthy to be called a doctor anymore. I didn’t fulfill my duties and when in the crucial times, I gave up and have been a coward. I am no longer able to have that title again, I told you, and I’m a murderer not a savior.”

“But Suho, it’s not your fault whe-“

“I’ll take my leave, Dir. Xing. Thank you for trusting me for your child. I’ll keep him safe and I’ll make it up with him. I love him and I will do anything to make him happy once again. Thank you very much,” Suho interrupts him, eyes glazed with sadness before he abruptly stood up and bows before he takes his leave; leaving behind the father of his love with a sad smile.

“Take care of him.”

---

A/N: Hi!

Yeah, I know I've been out for nearly a month and I apologize for that. The chapter's long as you can see. This wasn't originally long, but then I noticed that if I don't add scenes here and there, it would lack the next event that'll happen. 

So let me summarize?

Minseok tries to have Jongdae back, Tao is avoiding Kris, Chanyeol has problems and Baekhyun wishes to help him, Kyungsoo is regaining his voice little by little and had a nice time together with Kai, Luhan and Sehun...failed to see each other again and lastly Yixing's horrible experience with his parents and Suho's conversation of truth with Dir. Xing.

I had a hard time typing down Yixing's part because...it's really hard to portray the pain that I I wanted to conjoin in the past. Especially his mother. The devil clothed in angel's dress. Hahaha.....yeah.

So I hope this is okay, and the next chapter won't be too late I promis you :) ^^

Thank you and thoughts are appreciated! <3