BGM: A-Pink - NoNoNo

"Kids today... tsk tsk tsk."

It took the unnecessary snicker of a curly-haired ahjumma to break your hug with Jongin Chingu. The middle-aged lady, who reminded you of the stereotypical countryside mother who do nothing but nag and make kimchi in K-dramas, was side-eyeing the two of you as if you were a pair of teens who couldn't wait to get a room and you couldn't help but think how judgmental people have become when it comes to skinship. Adults have lost too much faith in the kids today that even the simple act of hugging between friends is now automatically viewed as a sign of uncontrollable hormonal urges.

Jongin reached for your hand and motioned for you to sit beside him. You grabbed your yellow backpack from the floor and rested it on your lap. He removed the jacket hood from his head, but kept his baseball cap on. You fixed your cardigan. Nobody said a word. The two of you stared at the passers-by in silence even if they didn't interest you at all.

Moonkyu quit.

You couldn't explain why, but somehow, it affected you more than it should. So, what if Moonkyu gave up on being a trainee? What's it to you if he didn't want to be an idol anymore? The truth was that regardless of the career path Moonkyu chooses for himself, it really doesn't have any effect whatsoever on your life... but why do you feel so sad and broken all of a sudden?

Jongin removed his baseball cap and tilted his head upwards as he brushed his black hair away from his face. The boy seriously needs a haircut, but he would just shrug it off every time you suggest that he should get one. He stayed like that for a while: holding his hair up as he pretended to concentrate on the subway sign above your heads. Even though he was trying to give you the impression that his fringe was bothering him right now, it was quite obvious that what he was doing was just an attempt to control his tears.

You rested your head against the wall and clutched your backpack tighter. "What am I supposed to say?" you wondered silently. The atmosphere was starting to get awkward. As his friend, you know that you should comfort Jongin and try to make him feel better... but how exactly do you do that? You have already given him a hug. What are you supposed to do next? Unlike most people, you were well aware that asking 'Are you okay?' to a person who was obviously going through a tough time was not such a good idea. Jongin was not okay. He was crying... and it doesn't take a very smart person to realize that it wasn't because somebody poked a twig in his eye.

"Aren't you going to ask me about it?" he finally spoke.

You glanced his way and noticed that his eyes were still red and wet. When he realized what you were staring at, a flustered Jongin hurriedly wiped his face with the sleeves of his jacket. "I know you'll tell me all about it once you're ready," you replied, looking away so he won't get too embarrassed anymore.

Jongin took a deep breath. "What do you want to know first?" he asked, fixing his hair again. "The good news or the bad news?"

"I think I already know what the bad news is, so let's start with the good one for now," you decided, fumbling with the zippers of your backpack just so wouldn't look too awkward while you listen to him speak.

"Alright," Jongin agreed, moving his legs to copy your Indian-style of sitting. "The good news... well, the good news is that I'm in..."

Turning to look at him again, you asked, "You're in what?"

"I'm in the group," Jongin revealed, and you couldn't help but notice the slight smile that escaped from his lips. "I'm going to debut as an idol soon, Jaemi chingu. I made it. I'm in."

"That's great!" you exclaimed, genuinely happy for him. You reached for his hands and clasped them with yours. For a moment, you've forgotten that Moonkyu just quit and that Jongin was lonely. You were so happy for your friend that you couldn't help but smile like at him like an idiot.

"Yeah, they announced the first two members of the group today and fortunately, I was one of them," he explained, awkwardly fixing the baseball cap on his head after you let go of his hands. He then leaned against the wall and added, "The other one is Yixing hyung."

"I'm so happy for the two of you!" you cheered, grabbing Jongin by the arm to slightly shake him. "Now, all we need is for the other pabos to get accepted too, so you can all debut together!" Guilt started swelling up inside your body as soon as the words came out of your mouth. "Ah! How insensitive of you, Han Jaemi!" you thought silently while giving yourself a mental kick in the .

"Jongin Chingu, I... I'm sorry, I didn't... I mean, I shouldn't-"

Jongin wrapped your hands in his. "Don't apologize," he said firmly. "I know you didn't mean anything wrong by that. Moonkyu already made his choice and there's nothing we can do about it." He rested his head back and settled his gaze on the commuters going in and out of Apgujeong Station. Your subway chingu didn't let go of your right hand; in fact, he even started sort of caressing it with his thumb. Although it made you feel a bit uncomfortable, you didn't pull your hand away because it seems to be providing Jongin some comfort and that's exactly what he needs right now.

"Do you know that Moonkyu is App- I mean, Lee Sooman's favorite trainee?" Jongin randomly shared, his eyes now on the people who were alighting the train that just arrived. "He has been with company since he was just a kid, so everyone there pretty much saw him grow up. Like Jinri. She has been the company's baby up until Soojung joined in. The only difference is that Jinri actually went ahead and debuted with f(x), whereas Moonkyu... well... you know."

"Did he tell you why he quit?" you finally asked.

Jongin nodded. "Yeah, he said that he's been a trainee for so long that he thought that becoming an idol was the only option he has. He said that, until recently, he didn't really entertain the idea that he can explore other things. Like going to college or applying for an apprenticeship. I mean, it's not like he regretted being a trainee. He actually loved it. There's just a part of him that keeps on wondering what his life would be like if he was just like any other 19-year-old student."

"It's my fault," you suddenly blurted out, feeling guilty. "We were just talking about dreams and stuff some weeks ago and I really shouldn't have talked about all those-"

"Don't blame yourself, Jaemi Chingu. It's not your fault," Jongin interrupted, rubbing your hands with his as if you needed some warmth. "It's nobody's fault. Moonkyu made a decision to quit and that's that. I just wish he'd consulted me or Taeminnie about it before actually quitting, but I guess it's now too late for that. Besides, he admitted that he thought about quitting way before you opened up about not having a specific plan for your future. He made up his mind long ago. Moonkyu only waited until..." Jongin's voice cracked, but before you could launch into panic mode, he pulled himself together to finish what he was going to say: 

"...he only waited until it was 100% sure that I was going to debut, Jaemi Chingu. He only stayed because of me."

It was your turn to cry.

You came to find Jongin so you could be there for him and give him comfort at this difficult time, but there's no way your tears won't fall after hearing what he just said. The pseudo-twins have such a beautiful friendship.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," you repeated, reaching for the handkerchief in your pocket. "I just... oh my God! This is embarrassing! Why am I crying?" you exclaimed as you wiped away the tears that have already reached your cheeks.

Two teenage girls passed by. They probably noticed you crying and they immediately assumed that you and Jongin were having a lovers' quarrel. "Look! The girl's crying," the one wearing a floral-printed skirt whispered. "I'd cry too if a handsome guy like that breaks up with me," the one with dyed hair snickered.

"I'm not breaking up with her!" Jongin blurted out, causing the two teenage girls to run away in shame.

"That was totally unnecessary," you quipped, still wiping tears off your cheeks. "You should have just ignored them. We don't know who those girls are anyway."

Jongin put his baseball cap back on and sighed. "You know, the world would be a much better place if everyone is honest with each other," he said, zipping the front of his jacket all the way up. "I don't want anymore secrets. From now on, I'll just say whatever I want to say. Tell people exactly how I feel. Good or bad. I don't care anymore."

"Even if you know it would hurt them?" you asked.

Jongin squeezed the duckbill of his baseball cap with both of his hands and bowed. "Would you rather be blindsided and not know the truth?" he asked back, refusing to look at you.

"Lying - no, lying is wrong - but keeping things... keeping certain things from people is one way of protecting them," you replied, your grip on the straps of your yellow backpack tightening. "We sometimes keep the truth from the people we love because we don't want to hurt them or make them worry."

"I understand what you mean, but isn't that an insult to the other person?" Jongin retorted. "I don't know about you, but I personally think that keeping a secret from someone in order to protect him also means that you don't trust him enough to know that he can handle it. I mean, is he not stable enough to take it? Not smart enough to understand it? Not strong enough to accept it? Will prolonging the announcement lessen the pain it will cause?"

You didn't know why, but the discussion was getting you all worked up. Without knowing it, your voice started getting louder. "What if the reason Moonkyu didn't tell you sooner is because he wasn't so sure about it, either?" you blurted out. "What if... what if he was wavering? I mean, what if he still has doubts that his decision to quit was the right choice? He's your friend and yes, he didn't want to hurt you, but it doesn't mean that he was belittling you. Maybe he just waited for the right time to tell you and he thought - for reasons that only he knew - that today was that day."

"He still should've told me what was bugging him, though," Jongin shot back, his voice also louder. "I'm his friend. I wouldn't judge him. He should've known that he can tell me absolutely anything and I will never-"

"-BUT STILL!" you insisted.

"Are we..." Jongin spoke softly. He slowly turned to his right and worriedly looked into your eyes. "...are we fighting?"

"NO!!!" you yelled, causing the two of you to erupt into laughter as soon as you realized how violently you reacted. Repeatedly smacking Jongin's arm, you jokingly scolded, "YA! I'm here to comfort you! I was trying to make you feel better! Why are you making me mad instead?!?"

"Enough about me. Let's talk about you instead."

Jongin's suggestion didn't seem like a very good idea. From the way he was looking at you, you can already guess what was going on inside that brain of his and that mischievous smirk plastered on his Taemin-like face only confirmed your suspicions.

"The hyungs were talking about you earlier," he divulged, staring at you with a slightly raised eyebrow. "They said you kissed Luhan hyung."

"He kissed me," you corrected. "There is a difference."

"Alright. The two of you kissed. So, what happened afterwards?" Jongin asked, folding his arms against his chest. "Luhan hyung was elated when I saw him this morning. He had this stupid smile on his face the entire time and he even treated us to lunch - which was a very unusual thing for him to do, but when I saw him at the practice room this afternoon he seemed a bit gloomy. He spaced out more often than Yixing hyung did. I'm assuming you had something to do with it..."

You bowed your head until it touched your knees.

"I'm taking that as a yes," Jongin announced, gently patting your head. "Let me guess-" he continued, your hair as he spoke. "-did you dump him? No, I don't think that's it. You're not bold enough to break someone else's heart on the spot. I don't think it's because you denied the kiss, either. I think it's quite the opposite. You're the type of person who spills information without really intending to, so I'll strike that option out. Hmm... I think it's because someone asked whether or not you're officially dating and you gave an answer that's different from Luhan hyung... am I right?"

Slowly looking up to him, you grumbled, "It was Tao-Tao."

"Really?!? I thought it was Kyungsoo hyung," he said, chuckling. "I expected something like that from him. We all know that he's quite the gossip. Kinda like Jihye and Moonkyu."

The mention of Moonkyu's name instantly silenced not only Jongin, but you as well. The atmosphere that you tried to keep cool and casual has turned awkward again. "Is Moonkyu going to be taboo from now on?" you thought to yourself. "Will Jongin Chingu develop a habit of suddenly shutting up and staring into space every time someone mentions his pseudo-twin?"

"You worry too much, Jaemi Chingu," Jongin suddenly spoke, slowly glancing your way. "You tend to overthink things. I noticed that about you. You really should loosen up a bit."

"Only if you stop spacing out every time Moonkyu's name is mentioned," you snickered back, not really intending to voice out your thoughts.

"The subway is like idol training," Jongin randomly said, turning away to focus his gaze on the train that just arrived from Oksu Station. It was about two-thirds full, but the commuters alighting, he noticed, seem to outnumber the ones getting on it. "People always flock the first station to get the good seats on the empty train and those who get in later have no other choice but to squeeze themselves in and support themselves by holding on to the railings. If they're lucky, they can occupy the seats vacated by the ones who get off at the different stations along the way. I mean, not everyone stays, right? Some take an entirely different route by switching to another train or riding a bus or a car or whatever while the others just walk to the opposite side of the station to ride the next train back home. It really is like idol training," he repeated. "By the time the train reaches its final destination, only a handful of people are left inside."

You slightly nudged Jongin with your elbow. "Where did Moonkyu get off then?"

"He made it as far as Apgujeong Station, but when he realized that it is possible for him to go the other way, he took the next train back to lurk around Dongguk University-" Jongin answered with a shrug. "-or alighted at Chungmuro to take the connecting train to Hansung University, I don't know."

"Isn't Hansung University a school for women?" you asked.

Jongin actually grinned. "Getting himself a girlfriend is a good idea now that he has more time on his hands, isn't it?" he said, shifting in his seat to properly look at you. "Speaking of girlfriend..." Your subway chingu folded his arms across his chest, his lips curling into a mischievous smile. He then made you feel really uncomfortable by staring at you straight in the eyes. It was as if he was looking through your soul.

"Stop it!" you demanded. "You're creeping me out!"

"Why didn't you agree to be Luhan hyung's girlfriend?" he asked, tilting his head a little. "You like someone else, don't you?"

"No, I don't," you quickly denied.

Jongin inched closer so that there is only a few centimeters between your faces. "So why did you tell the others that you aren't dating yet?" he asked, maintaining eye-contact. "You guys have already kissed. I thought that pretty much sealed the deal."

"Because we really aren't a couple," you answered, pushing him away. "I mean, fine, we kissed, but we haven't really talked about anything yet. He hasn't ask me if I want to be his girlfriend and - hey! Don't give me that look! You can't tell Luhan about this. I'm serious! I'm not playing hard to get. Don't advise him to formally ask me out. No. Seriously. I don't have an answer yet. Oh my God. What am I going to do if he asks me to be his girlfriend?"

"That's easy," Jongin claimed. "If you like him, say yes. If you don't, say no."

You leaned back and heaved out a frustrated sigh. "But there are a lot of things I still don't know about him. I don't even know what year he was born," you admitted, fumbling with the zippers of your yellow backpack. "When we rushed him to the hospital, I couldn't complete his data sheet