[A/N: Sorry, it's been a while. But it's really been... there are so many suppressed emotions and I promise, this is the last sad chapter. I know only one way of apologizing. I'll let you decide who she'll end up with. I'm too oldschool for polls so I'll simply count all the comments and the one who gets more votes, well... I'll make it happen.

Also, my dear long time subscriber panzym HAPPY BIRTHDAY THIS IS FOR YOUU

YOUUU

YOUU YOUU YOUU (SHINee much)

Last time I checked, you were Kai-biased.]

I don’t remember much of his funeral. I think I was in another place for most of the time. I saw familiar people looking at me, eyes dripping with pity. I saw a coffin. I saw a picture of him. I was utterly disappointed at the picture. It looked like the one on his driver’s license. He wasn’t like that, he was cheerful but calm. He should have smiled on that picture up there, on his coffin. I had so many pictures of him, why didn’t they ask me?

Suddenly we were outside, Chanyeol was holding my forearms as I was on my knees, crying. The rose fell in the hole along with the others, I wanted to jump in and take it back, making events run backwards. I didn’t want them to put Luhan alone in the middle of cold dirt. What if he miraculously woke up? He would have to die again, why do they have to put him there?

I’d like to think that I spent Christmas and New Year’s Eve with Luhan. That’s what I kept telling myself.

Although Hyuna and the guys came over to spend it with me, in my head I spent it with Lulu. I had a small table for him. I picked all the most cheerful pictures of him being goofy, messing around and even one where he was hugging me.

“Merry Christmas, Luhan.” I mumbled to myself as I put a wrapped present on the table, right next to endless amount of candles. I burnt so many on that table that wax was starting to get all over the surface of it.

“We all miss you…” I whispered, still talking to a picture. “I miss you.” I hoarsely added, a lonely tear dropping down my cheek.

“Do you want me to open it for you?” Tears dripped down one by one, but I still managed to chuckle, surprised that talking into thin air like this doesn’t seem weird at all. I started unwrapping the gift, proudly smiling to myself.

“I still remember what you told me one day, that you miss tamagochis. That the younger generation will never know how to appreciate it. I got one for you. It wasn’t cheap so take good care of it. It’s untouched but from back in the days, not some new replica.” I stopped and placed the old looking box on the table, sniffing.

I jolted, my heart going crazy when I felt an arm snake around my waist from behind. I didn’t even have to peek, I knew who it was.

“It’s okay.” Kai whispered as I inhaled his scent, feeling myself relax a bit.

“I got him a gift too.” He continued much to my surprise and placed an expensive looking bottle on the table. “You always wanted to try it but thought that it was too expensive even for New Year’s Eve or birthdays. Now that I realized how much a human’s life worth is, this bottle barely cost anything for me.”

He wasn’t talking to me anymore, he was talking to Luhan. I felt the blood in my veins warm up in a comfortable way as I turned myself to look at his face. He kept a steady gaze on the picture, tears b in his eyes.

“Right now, if you were with me,” his voice started to crack, making my heart break, “I know that you’d want me to taste it. You’d want all of us to have a glass. I’ll open it for all of us on New Year’s Eve and we’ll make a toast...”

His voice broke completely this time, leaving only his lips moving with no sound coming out. I turned myself to face him and wrapped my arms tightly around him, thankful that I could inhale his comforting scent without it seeming odd. He barely breathed, he didn’t cry. I felt tears landing on my shoulder and rolling in under my shirt, slowly making their way down my back. But he didn’t cry. He didn’t make a sound. At some point I heard a sniffing sound and his hand gently wiped another tear away from my shoulder. It wouldn’t have happened if I wore a regular t-shirt, but this one was a loose fit and revealed one of my shoulders. The same one Kai’s tears fell on to.

Even given the situation, his touch felt addicting, comforting, warm. I wasn’t supposed to enjoy it, right?

But if I wasn’t then what was I supposed to do?

Kai opened the bottle as he promised, on New Year’s Eve. We all got a glass and decided to seal the bottle afterwards, leaving a glass on the table, right next to Luhan’s other gift. I clicked the glass against the one on the table and whispered to him.

“Happy new year, Luhan.”

Before we drank the expensive liquor, Kai made a heartbreaking toast in Luhan’s name. As I took a sip, it didn’t taste that well after all, everything it did was that it left a bitter taste on my tongue and brought a lot of heat into my cheeks in the long run.

Everything was bitter without Luhan.

“We have to get ourselves a new table.” I mumbled to Kai as I tried to fit a watch on the table. I saw it in the mall earlier and it looked exactly like something Luhan would buy.

This was the way we dealt with Luhan’s death. It felt nice to be in the mall and buy things for him, saying it out loud to each other, I’m going to buy this for Luhan. It almost tricked me into thinking that he isn’t dead after all.

The problem was that the table was already full of different things. Kai s his arms around my waist from the back, as he always does when we stand in front of the table. I felt his grip tighten as he curled hair behind my ear and leaned in, lips brushing against my ear. I felt butterflies awakening in the pit of my stomach.

“I think it’s time to let go.”

The butterflies died as soon as they were born. What did he even mean by it? I wanted to keep it as it was, we were all dealing so well.

“No it’s not…” I mumbled, sounding a bit more stubborn that I wanted to. My body started to wiggle itself out of Kai’s grip but as a response, he tightened his.

“We can keep the table but you must stop buying things for someone who isn’t here.” His husky voice calmed me down instantly as I let my body relax. I felt myself being picked up and my body moved up and down in the pace of his footsteps. His breath tickled my forehead as he whispered comforting words and placed kisses on my skin. He gently put me on my bed and lay down next to me. For the first time in weeks I was on my own bed instead of Luhan’s. And I didn’t mind.

I turned my back on him, closing my eyes as I was pretty tired. Suddenly I felt his body press against the whole back side of mine, his chest pressed against my back, his knees against the backs of mine, my against his…

As I stumbled upon my own thoughts, I realized that my eyes are wide open and for some reason I was waiting for him to do something. To make a move on me again. But he never did.

Is that disappointment I’m feeling?