[A/N: Listen to this while you read, please?]

The images of Luhan’s death will never leave me. You’d think that death is beautiful and peaceful. Well, it’s not. I held Luhan’s hand as his body started twitching in pain, tears running down his pale face. I his hair as he almost audibly groaned, too tired to even make a proper sound. At some point, I found myself wishing that he’d go already, I didn’t want him to be in so much pain.

But as soon as his body turned limp, as his grip on my hand loosened, all I wanted was for him to come back.

To me.

To this world.

Although the doctors tried to bring him back, they didn’t succeed. I don’t know what happened next, all I know is that I woke up in Chanyeol’s arms as he tried to calm me down.

I don’t need Chanyeol.

I need Luhan.

I harshly pushed him away from me, kicking and punching him to make him go away. If I could change anything, I’d probably take that back.

“I told you that it won’t work, it was a bad idea.” I heard Kai say as he opened the door wider, letting Chanyeol  stumble out of the room. Suddenly I was standing next to the bed and my legs started to take me somewhere. I wiped my tears and tripped on everything that I possibly could but then I was there.

In Luhan’s room. 

I slowly walked towards his bed and climbed on it, pulling the blanket closer to me as this new kind of pain clutched my insides, making it impossible to breathe. As I was running low on oxygen, I really wanted to know how to breathe again.

Then I let out a broken sob.

And another.

I realized that the only way that I could let air inside my body was through crying. I couldn’t control myself as the need for oxygen and the pain in my chest grew with each passing moment.

I felt a pair of arms snake around my waist, pushing my back against a warm chest.

“Luhan…” I mumbled, not even understanding the situation.

“No.” I heard a low voice from behind me, “It’s me, Chanyeol.”

“Luhan…” I continued with a manic tone to my voice, “Bring him back, bring Luhan back!”

“Shhh,” he whispered right next to my ear, curling a strand of hair behind my ear and caressing my cheek, trying to do everything to calm me down “I can’t bring him back, dear, you have to move on, we all have to move on.”

His words didn’t convince me as his own voice was shaking and uncertain.

After some crying and shouting at Chanyeol, I fell asleep. I would have been happy to fall asleep unless it weren’t for the nightmare. A flashback from the accident.

It was a tiny kitten, crossing the road in the wrong time. Luhan, a warm hearted person as he is, tried to save everyone and ended up sacrificing himself.

My eyes flew open and Chanyeol was still there, my hair after he felt my body jolt.

“The airbag didn’t open, he would be alive if it did…” I started, unable to finish. Soon enough I was crying again and not much later Chanyeol managed to calm me down.

When I woke up again, I was alone. I looked around the room and pulled the bed sheets closer to me. They smelled like Luhan. I stood up and started looking around his room. I would have cried after seeing a picture of me and him together, framed, standing on his desk or a unique looking rock on his shelf that we picked up from the seaside together. But my body was out of tears. I would have preferred  crying, I felt like every single emotion has left my body.

After an hour of observing his room, I opened a drawer to find an old looking notebook. At first I put it back thinking that it would be rude to open it. I laid myself down on the bed, staring at the ceiling, my mind still on the notebook.

After a while, I stood up and grabbed the notebook, bringing it to his bed with me. I carefully opened it and gasped, seeing a gorgeous drawing of a girl, standing with his back to the viewer. I never knew Luhan could draw.

After turning a few pages, I came to realize that it wasn’t just a notebook. It was a story. A book. His book.

A book about his life.

I recognized the situations as we lived through them together, but he had added feelings to them. While reading his story, I learned so many things about him that I never knew. How bad he had felt, how lonely he was. How he longed for me but didn’t find the selfishness to come and get me.  How he missed me while I was gone, how he constantly dreamt of me. How happy he was when I returned to him, started living with him.

How beautiful he thought I was.

The last chapter described our last day spent together in detail.

“Thank you for this perfect day.” I said as my heart almost exploded of happiness and I turned to look at her. She smiled. She had no idea how breathtaking she was. The wind slightly blew through her hair, making it float around in the air. The sunset casted a warm glow on her skin, as if instead of blood, gold ran through her veins. She was so close to me, I ached to hold her. But I didn’t. ‘Tomorrow’ I thought to myself. ‘I’ll tell her tomorrow’. Meanwhile I didn’t want this moment to end.

In the end of the chapter, there was another drawing.  It had to be the prettiest thing that I’ve ever seen. It was of a girl, with her hair flowing in the wind. Her skin had a golden glow and she was smiling. Instead of blue, her veins were golden, ing on her chest as if a golden tree sat there.

That girl was me.

This is how I looked like through Luhan’s eyes.

I decided to cherish that book and hugged it close to myself as I eventually broke down crying.

Coping with Luhan’s death was harder than I imagined. Every night I would sleep in his bed, his scent disappearing from the sheets. Every day I would cry.

Emotionlessly, I walked to the nearby grocery store with Chanyeol. He’s been keeping his eye on me these days. I didn’t even know that there was absolutely nothing edible in my fridge as he insisted that we’d go and ‘get some good in my system’. I didn’t even focus on the things he threw in the basket as he dashed past aisles. We were walking back as my heart stopped at the sight in front of me.

“Luhan…” I mumbled.  Chanyeol frowned and inched closer to me. “Are you okay?” I heard him say.

“Luhan!” I exclaimed a little louder this time, walking towards him. “Luhan wait!” he didn’t react. I picked up my pace. I felt Chanyeol grabbing my wrist but I yanked it away.

“LUHAN, PLEASE STOP!” I shouted as I ran to him, flipping him around. He looked at me with a confused look.

“I’m sorry, I’m not the person you’re looking for.” He said politely, bowing to me.

He looked exactly like Luhan.

“This isn’t funny.” I shook my head until I felt a pair of hands firmly grab my shoulders.

“Luhan is dead.” Chanyeol quietly said, choking on his own tears. “His funeral is tomorrow. That guy is not Luhan.”

The stranger stood there in utter shock as he stared at the both of us.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “I’m so sorry.”

He bowed a few times and disappeared.

Tomorrow.

His funeral is tomorrow.