Journal entry #9

   It seems that whenever I plan an activity with Mark and Youngjae, something always happens that makes it impossible to meet normally. Today’s Saturday, and I made sure to finish all my tasks beforehand, precisely so that nothing gets in the way. The three of us had decided to meet at the café where it had begun and finished before I gave it a chance: the café near the park. Visiting there made me uneasy for some reason, but I ignored the gut feeling and went anyways. 

   When I arrived at the café, neither Mark nor Youngjae had arrived yet. I was fine with it since they had sent a text earlier indicating that they might be late. I ordered my coffee before them and sat down somewhere near the windows, so they could see me as they enter the café. I noticed that the weather was cloudy, and I inwardly cursed at myself for not bringing an umbrella with me. 

   I took little notice of the music they had on. I wasn’t as interested in my surroundings as the first I came, even though it was obvious that the café had changed. I noticed right away when I entered, but I occupied my mind with thoughts of the possible outcomes of when we meet. I was both terrified and excited about it, but it all went downhill when the doorbell chimed, and I saw who it was. Out of all the people who had the most horrible timing, it was Yugyeom, and he saw me instantly.

   Yugyeom smiled; if it were out of curtesy or not, I wouldn’t know, but he looked genuinely pleased to see me. I, for one, didn’t share such sentiments because Yugyeom had seen me at my lowest last year. Although it had been a fleeting moment, I bumped into Yugyeom when I ran away from Mark and Youngjae. I don’t know what happened afterward when I left if Yugyeom ever found out why I was like that, but the thought made me sweat. I hoped he hadn’t found out why… 

   After ordering, Yugyeom approached me once more (and I internally screamed as I checked the clock behind Yugyeom. Any moment, Mark and Youngjae could arrive), and much to my horror, Yugyeom started making conversation. I tried to be as polite as I could, making jokes whenever it was called for, and I also tried not to admire him in his washed-out jeans. Lately, it had been like this: Yugyeom looking strangely attractive to my eyes, and me struggling against the feeling. He’s my boss at my work who has terrible attitude problems, but when he looks as good as he does, I’m thrown off. 

   I’m not sure when I started to silently admire his physique. A part of me wants to believe that it’s the stress that’s making me desperate enough to even consider him. Another part of me isn’t buying it. 

   However, at that moment, I didn’t need him to be there. As politely as I could, I tried to tell him that I would be meeting with some friends, that they would be there at any moment, but it appeared that Yugyeom’s denser than I thought. He continued to smile at me, regarding me with some sort of wonder as if he hadn’t seen me before. It reminded me of one year ago when I hadn’t quit from my job and Yugyeom turned red whenever our eyes met. I discarded the thought immediately when I saw Mark and Youngjae enter together as they held hands, and I breathed in deeply. This is what I had prepared myself for. 

   The moment Youngjae and I had eye contact though, it had been different from before. When I saw him last year, I felt happiness, anger, and betrayal all at once. Even though I had wanted to hug Youngjae, I didn’t. Even though I had wanted to punch Mark’s face, I didn’t. But now… now it was different. 

   Not caring enough about what Yugyeom had to say, I abruptly got up from my seat and went to Youngjae. He, as well, let go of Mark’s hand just to meet me halfway. We hugged each other tightly, the tightest we ever had, and I’m not ashamed to say that I teared up. I wasn’t the only one either, because soon enough, I felt my shoulder damp with tears as we held each other. So much time had been lost because of miscommunication and pride, and I wished I could turn back time. To the time when I told myself that it didn’t matter if this friendship had been lost when it had been the contrary. 

   It had mattered. 

   I could have many friends, but none of them would be able to replace Youngjae, and this is what the hug meant to us. We were irreplaceable to each other, and we weren’t going to lose each other again. 

   After we stopped hugging, we regarded each other properly. I noticed that Youngjae had grown much taller and slimmer since the last time I saw him. His golden bleached locks were back to his mahogany brown locks, almost as if there had never been a trace of his prior hair color. Youngjae’s eyes and smile were still the same, except they no longer held the same effect on me as they used to. It was evident to me that he had physically grown, however, he was still just as youthful as I remembered him to be. This made me smile because he was still the Youngjae I once knew and loved, while still being a Youngjae I didn’t know at all. The prospect of this was exciting. 

   Then I regarded Mark, and our hug was shorter than it had been with Youngjae. We all smiled at each other, and I genuinely laughed for the first time I had for a while. I was so glad everything was going according to plan when I remembered Yugyeom. I turned around to see if he was still there, and I was surprised to see him standing there like a fool with his eyes wide open in surprise. We stared each other down when Youngjae interrupted us, his voice curious and suggestive. 

   I denied any suggestive comment Youngjae and Mark made when Yugyeom excused himself with a somewhat tight smile. His eyes suggested confusion and curiosity as he waved distantly at me. 

   After I left the café in a good mood, I returned to my apartment with a smile. The meeting had gone more than well, and not once had I been reminded of my previous feelings for Youngjae. I was nothing but excited for them to tell me the details of their wedding in person, and they left nothing out. They even narrated in full detail some of their fights after their marriage as they laughed about it like it hadn’t been anything serious at the time. In return, I told them about Bambam and my journey of self-discovery, and I agreed on letting them meet each other sometimes. I made a mental note to let Bambam know of this promise. 

   It should’ve been over by then, but instead, I found Yugyeom waiting for me outside his door. I ignored my heart racing faster than usual and told myself it was nothing. This was the part that left me most dumbfounded: 

   “Is there something I can help you with?” I asked with a small smile, as I busied myself with looking for the keys. 

   Yugyeom looked at the floor for a moment, weighing out something in his mind that I didn’t know about, “Actually, I want to ask you something.” 

   “Do you want to talk about it over a cup of coffee?” The truth was I wanted one for myself. If he was going to talk to me, then I might as well kill two birds with one stone. 

   “Wasn’t he the reason why you were crying before you left?” Yugyeom responded instead, looking at me directly in the eyes. I felt my blood go cold. So, I had been right; he had seen me crying because of Youngjae… 

   I stopped smiling and looking for my keys. I looked at him back as I raised one of my eyebrows, and said, “Are you aware that it’s none of your business?” 

   “Perhaps you're right,” Yugyeom admitted as he breathed out heavily, “But you should know by now that I’m interested in you. Otherwise, why would I bother with you?” 

   Despite the circumstances, I laughed. “Are you actually confessing to me right now?” 

   “Yes, yes I am.” Yugyeom paused before asking, “Is there a problem with that?” 

   “A lot of them actually,” I said as I looked away, but not because I found his stare on me intoxicating or because I needed to breathe. I looked away because I didn’t need this right now, not when I was in such a good mood. “Most of them involve you.” 

   I didn’t need to look to know that I had hurt him. I couldn’t bring myself to care. There was a brief silence before Yugyeom managed to say, “Care to share them?” 

   “Actually, yes.” For some reason, I thought it would be splendid if he knew the reason why I can’t stand him. I reasoned that maybe he’d learn from his past actions and leave me alone, except when we’re working. Perhaps it was a sudden rush of bravery, but whatever it was, it was an awful idea, “You have a horrible attitude problem. One day you’re nice, then on another day, you’re a , then you’re looking at me like with that look in your eyes, and repeat. You give me too much work to do, you won’t stop showing up in my life, and—,” 

   “Okay, I get it!” Yugyeom exclaimed as he put up his hands in frustration. He finally gave me his back, indicating that he would leave at any moment. “I’m a , you’re not interested in me, and you won’t tell me jack- about what happened. That's fine with me.” 

   I smiled sweetly for the first time we started this conversation, “I’m glad we’re on the same page.” 

   I finally found my keys. I took them out and started opening my door when I heard Yugyeom enter his apartment as well. He slammed his door shut, but I could still hear him stomping around his apartment as if he were a child. I shook my head, incredulous of the attitude Yugyeom was supporting; how could someone so immature be my boss, I wondered as I stared after his shadow. I then realized there’s a moment of silence and I thought for a second that he’s on his bed at last. Instead, as I’m about to finally enter my apartment, Yugyeom rushed out of his, and said to me, “I’ll definitely make you change your mind!” 

   Now, I’m here, sitting on my chair as I write this as a new journal entry. For some reason, his last words to me repeat over and over in my head, even though it’s been hours since then. It’s currently 1:36 in the morning and sleep still hasn’t paid me a visit. I suppose tormenting me must be one of its favorite pastimes to do when it’s busy with visiting other people. I’m never on their top priority list, something I should be accustomed to at this point in my life… 

   For now, I’m thinking of watching something on Netflix to get my mind off things, even though there’s nothing I want to watch, or I’m interested in. I suppose once more that it’s better than doing nothing at all. 

P. J.

A/N: Progress has been made between the two of them! Kind of? :') What do you guys think of this chapter, of Jinyoung and Yugyeom's relationship so far? Personally, I remember this chapter very fondly. I had a lot of fun writing it, especially their dialogue. Also, random thought, but as I was editing this, I thought the "So I'm sitting there, barbecue sauce on my ..." vine was Jinyoung's overall mood at the end, lmao. Anyways, hope you guys enjoyed this chapter! :)