Journal entry #14

   Bambam’s entrance to my current lifestyle has left me shaken and unable to adjust. 

   In my previous journal entry, I wrote that Bambam and I had talked about some of the crucial details about his visit. I hadn’t mentioned it, but Bambam had asked me if he could stay over during the visit since, you know, “I visited all the way here, just to see you.” Naturally, I had said yes, even though Bambam knew he didn’t need to ask and guilt trip me into letting him stay. Because, really, I didn’t mind it if it meant I got to see my best friend for a while. 

   Now, I want to clarify that before this, we had done sleepovers before. I had already seen him in his natural state, his interactions with guests and without guests, and vice versa. Bambam had seen me in my most natural and vulnerable state during those sleepovers, how I acted towards guests and whatnot. Our sleepovers had never been longer than a day, but not because we didn’t want to, but because we both had our own schedules to deal with. That’s why I never really questioned how it would be if Bambam and I were to move in together someday… 

   But I just can’t handle this anymore. Our lifestyles clash with each other’s too much. 

   While my workload has certainly reduced over the past two weeks, I tend to stay the night at the company when it’s necessary. Unfortunately, it has been necessary for me to do it these past few days; even now as I write this, I’m at the company taking a break from the paperwork (and from Yugyeom. I swear to God, there’s always something he wants to talk about with me). I don’t mind it as much because I love my job, but Bambam, on the other hand, has a lot to say regarding the issue. 

   Lately whenever I return to my apartment, I always find Bambam waiting for me expectantly, much like a mother who had caught her son returning home after midnight. Although the imagery is hilarious, this is how our conversations seem to be lately: 

   "So,” Bambam would start as he stared at me, his face neutral but I could tell he was over the edge on the inside. He had never been good at hiding his expressions, much less toning it down a notch. “You stayed over at the Industry again.” 

   I would stare back at Bambam with a small smile on my face, acting as if I didn’t notice the odd tension between us. Now that hadn't been there before when I was abroad...  “I had several things to do that required my attention.” 

   Bambam would hum as an answer, before blurting out, “Have you ever thought that it’s not good to push yourself? That you have someone waiting for you at the apartment? That I’m worried about you?” 

   I would hold back the need to roll my eyes like a teenager would; as much as it had been ridiculous, it would've been bad for me if Bambam misinterpreted me in any way, because I do appreciate his friendship. So instead of lashing out, I would stand there patiently and let Bambam finish his practiced speech. To my surprise, it didn’t seem to tire him out to be repeating the same things over and over again, “I’m worried that you’ll push yourself again, that I’m going to see a repeat of what happened to you, in case you’ve forgotten, when you were abroad."

   “Oh, please,” I would reply, ignoring the memories that came flooding back like a wave, memories of when I was living abroad about a year ago... I would ignore the tinge of truth behind Bambam's words, and reply, somewhat annoyed, “It won’t happen again. You worry too much…” Though I could never tell at who I was more annoyed at... Bambam, or myself. I knew that Bambam's words weren’t meant to be ill intentioned in any way, because he had every right to be nagging at me the way he had been doing so far. 

   Regardless of my internal struggle, Bambam would raise an eyebrow as he crossed his arms against his chest, somewhat indignantly. He would reply, visibly frustrated at my indifference, “I worry too much because you obviously don’t give a about it.” 

   But then our conversation would take a twist for the best, and we both continued with our lives.

   Thankfully, it’s never awkward hanging out with Bambam, especially when he always has a story to tell me about his student life. He always manages to make me laugh, to make me forget about my worries and source of stress, and to remember to live in the present. Back when I lived abroad, Bambam’s presence was a constant reminder that I’ve let go of the past… I suppose old habits die hard. 

   However, once Bambam stops sharing stories about his life, he would ask about Yugyeom, and I… I don’t know how to explain it. The way Bambam reacts when I eventually cave in and tell him the smallest detail about Yugyeom... it’s unsettling how radiant he gets. It’s also very unsettling how I want to wipe off that smile from his face. 

   I should be contented about the fact that Bambam found a new crush, but I can’t bring myself to be anywhere remotely encouraging about it. In fact, a part of me wants it to be unsuccessful, for him to move on and to forget about Yugueom. How horrible is that? Then another part of me wants Bambam to be happy, for him and Yugyeom to be together… but, again, if he could be happy with someone else, that isn’t Yugyeom, then I would be ecstatic. 

   This isn’t the first time I’ve felt like such a horrible friend. 

P. J. 

A/N: Hey! Things are starting to spice up ;) I wonder what will happen between Yugyeom and Jinyoung, now that Bambam is thrown into the mix... guess we'll have to wait for next week! Also, we're like half-way through the story, so in a couple of weeks, there won't be much for me to post at all :c just letting you guys know! Anyway, hope you guys had fun reading the new chapters~ feel free to comment what you think will happen! Take care, practice social distancing, and see you guys next week! :D