Journal entry #17

   I'm pretty sure that I did something that I’ll regret tomorrow morning. I’m not sure how to feel about it right now as I write this journal entry, but holy , I wasn’t thinking straight. My head wasn’t where it belonged, I was tired, and I didn’t realize what I had done after it happened. I’m still trying to grasp the situation at hand, and I’m confused as to how it escalated... Has that ever occurred to you? As in, objectively speaking, you understand what transpired, but you're still trying to catch up with it? That's how I feel right now. There’s something that doesn’t click, it doesn’t make sense to me, and it’s driving me insane.

   It’s currently 2:12 A.M., and instead of sleeping, I find myself wide awake and unable to sleep. It’s a Thursday night, which means I have work tomorrow by default, but that’s the least of my concerns. Bambam is sleeping soundly in my room as usual, while I’m at the living room sitting on my couch, determined to put my thoughts into words. They’re too loud for me to calm them down today. I figured that by writing down about what took place earlier today, it might help me sort out my emotions towards it...

   My morning had started out fine. I had woken up earlier than Bambam (he’s not a morning person), and since I had extra time to kill, I put in some effort into my clothes today. I had worn a white button shirt with a gray vest and a blue necktie to contrast the colors. Even though I had looked formal with my black pants, I felt like I was at the top of the world (as cliché as it sounded), and like I could handle anything thrown at me. Besides, I looked at par with Yugyeom’s fancy tuxedos for once, and the thought of that had been so empowering, that admittedly, it's a little bit hilarious. 

   Eventually, I had left the apartment and decided to buy coffee on the way to the Industry. I hadn’t eaten breakfast because I hadn’t been hungry, but I had taken with me a small snack for later. I had visited the café Jackson had recommended me a while back; I hadn’t gone there since the time Yugyeom told me I had gotten the job. The major reason had been because of work, but otherwise, I would’ve continued visiting the café. I made the mental note to make time to visit once more. 

   The café had turned out to be empty, so my order of coffee had been made quickly. I had left the café and enjoyed my coffee on my way to the company, slowly taking in the morning breeze… and then, I had arrived. Everyone had greeted me good morning, and I had been particularly in a good mood until I saw Yugyeom putting down a stack of papers on my desk.

   Several things had been different about Yugyeom’s appearance. For starters, he hadn’t changed his clothes from the previous day, which could only mean that he hadn’t bathed either. Yugyeom’s usual tidy necktie had been crooked and loosened, his sleeves rolled up to his elbows, and his coat must’ve been abandoned throughout the night because up until then, he had it on. His styled hair had been ruined as well; strands of hair stood out of place, looking as if wind had blown sometime during the night at the company. In all honesty, Yugyeom still looked good even then, even when his posture had been lazy and sluggish. 

   Yugyeom’s expression had suggested that he was exhausted and relieved, I suppose from finishing the documents, as he had let out a sigh. Right then, his eyes had shifted towards me, and his whole demeanor had changed. Yugyeom had glared at me as he pointed to the desk and told me to start working right away. Silently, I had started working, not wanting to test Yugyeom’s patience today. 

   I had hoped that he would rest, but I knew that wouldn’t happen any time soon because of his schedule. There were several important meetings that were coming up, and some of the documents hadn’t been prepared yet. I, as his secretary, probably should’ve helped him out last night, but Yugyeom had let me leave instead. I had felt responsible for his disheveled appearance; that’s why I hadn't protested when he assigned me to do requests. 

   However, as the day passed by, it had become abundantly clear that Yugyeom’s mood had been foul. It hadn’t been just me that he took out his frustrations on; it had been to several coworkers already, including Bambam. In fact, when I saw Bambam’s crestfallen face as he left Yugyeom’s office, I had felt my blood boil with anger. Despite the dilemma I had felt the prior weeks, I despised seeing Bambam dejected in general. If Yugyeom was going to be taking it out on anyone, I had wished that it had been me instead of Bambam. After all, he had no right to be a jerk towards Bambam.  

   As I watched Bambam leave the Industry, he had waved goodbye, and for once, didn’t nag me to sleep over at the apartment with him. I had mentally noted that I would go today to the apartment no matter what. I didn’t want Bambam to be alone. 

   Yugyeom had stepped out of his office when the sun had set. The sunrays had been filtering in as dim lighting, Yugyeom’s silhouette contrasting with the orange glow from behind. As he walked absent-mindedly, I had regarded him as he ran a hand through his walnut locks, and I had stopped functioning for a moment. I swear to God, Yugyeom has an uncanny ability to leave me in a stupor, so strong and alluring, that even when our eyes had met then, I had been unable to look away from him once more. Looking back now, I hate myself for not having a stronger will to look away from him… “I didn’t know you were here,” Yugyeom had said silently as he approached my desk, his expression unreadable. “Thought you had left.” 

   “I was finishing up just now, actually,” I had explained as I had saved the document that I had been working on up until then. As soon as the document had been closed, I had scrambled to put everything away because I felt like I had to do something with my hands to distract myself from not looking too much at Yugyeom. “I was about to leave.” 

   “Oh.” Yugyeom had paused for a moment before saying, “Actually, I wanted to talk to you about Bambam.” 

   I had felt the corner of my lips curl up into a smile, Bambam’s image from earlier popping inside my head. This conversation had been doomed from the start, even if I weighted down my answers. Still, I had decided to act dumb and innocent, like I hadn’t known what was going on between Yugyeom and Bambam. To my surprise, my tone of voice had been more genuine than I had imagined it would sound like, when I had answered Yugyeom, “What about him?” 

   “Tell him to stop coming here,” Yugyeom had said with his eyes narrowed at me, obviously not buying my act. “He’s disturbing work hours.” 

   “It’s fine, isn’t it?” I had said, the smile from earlier still present on my face. His eyes had been scanning me as I had continued to speak, somewhat spitefully, “Everyone seems to like him… including you.” 

   Yugyeom had raised his eyebrow in interest as he crossed his arms. I had thought that he would snap at me, but instead, he had replied, obviously amused by the statement, “Oh, really? And what makes you think that?” 

   “Oh, I don’t know,” I had drawled out my words, leaning as closely as I could to Yugyeom despite me being seated still, my desk between us, and Yugyeom standing. He even had to hunch down to be able to hear me properly, because I had started to whisper my next words to him as if it had been a secret between us. “You seem to awfully like it when he brings you lunch. I don’t think I’ve seen you turn down one of his lunches yet.”

   “It’s free food,” Yugyeom had said as he shook his head. “Of course, I won’t turn it down.”  

   I had silently watched him as he held in the laughter. It had been the first time I had made Yugyeom want to laugh like that, like how he had openly laughed with Bambam at dinner the other day. I can’t deny how satisfied I had felt because of that. Technically, he had yet to laugh, but I had made it my goal to make him laugh in the future. I hadn’t backed away from Yugyeom yet, even though I should’ve had, but instead I asked him, “Okay, sure, but what do you intend doing with Bambam?”

   Suddenly, Yugyeom had stopped. He had torn away his gaze from mine as he searched for words to explain. Silence had fallen momentarily between us as I waited for Yugyeom’s answer. Yugyeom had looked at me once more, his gaze narrowed as he spoke carefully, “I’m sure you’re aware it’s not like that with Bambam, and even it was, why should you care about it?”

   I’m certain that I’ve said some words that have been more hurtful than Yugyeom’s, yet, his words had reached my heart. They had spoken a hidden truth that I wasn’t ready to come in terms with any time soon… or so, I had thought. My body had suddenly moved on its’ own, and before I could even register what I had done, I had stood up from my seat and grabbed Yugyeom’s collar, pulling him closer for me to kiss.  

   In that moment, everything had clicked. I had finally understood the source of my problems and worries, and nothing else had mattered. I could’ve legit died in peace. 

   When Yugyeom had pulled away and stumbled on his feet, his face redder than I had seen in a while, I had smirked as I leaned on my hand, “Obviously because you should know by now that I’m interested in you. Otherwise, why would I bother with you?”

   I had started to panic when I saw that Yugyeom hadn’t reacted or said anything. I had kissed him, assuming that presently, he had still been interested in me, even though it had been highly likely that he wasn’t anymore. I should’ve verified with Yugyeom beforehand, but the thought hadn’t even crossed my mind and I had already done the deed. That’s why, I had continued to put away my things, ready to leave and crawl into my bed, and scream.

   The minutes that had passed after the kiss taken place had felt like forever, but eventually, Yugyeom remembered how to function like a human (or so it had seemed). He had smiled at me unsurely, as if he couldn’t believe what I had just said, as if he hadn’t heard me right, and had asked, “Are you actually confessing to me right now?”

   And I had smiled despite everything, “Yes, yes, I am… problem?” 

   “No, not at all.” Yugyeom had whispered as he closed the gap between us by going around my desk, placing his hands on my cheeks. I had closed my eyes as I felt his lips on mine once more, enjoying the sensation of our lips melding into one. As I placed my arms on his shoulders, I had brought Yugyeom closer to me until I was practically sitting on my desk. At the back of mind, I had thought about how scandalous it must’ve looked to an outsider, to be doing something like this within work hours, and on my desk, no less… but in a matter of seconds, Yugyeom had effortlessly silenced my thoughts, and I had decided to focus solely on him and on nothing else. It would've been a disservice to Yugyeom if I had... after all, the way Yugyeom’s thumb had gently caressed my face made me feel as if I were something precious to him. And embarrassingly enough, I had felt like that might've been the case. Even though we hadn't properly said "the words" or "the phrases" to each other yet, they had been pouring out all at once in the form of kisses and bites and purrs.

   I hadn't expected for Yugyeom to ing purr the way he did, when I tilted my head to deepen the kiss. Much less, I hadn't expected for Yugyeom to keep up with my tempo at all! I mean, not that I'm an expert at this type of thing, but oh, boy. 

   Yugyeom’s purr had left me so shaken and hot when it happened, because it had been better than in my daydreams, by far. His voice had always been unusually softer and smoother than most voices I’ve heard, and I had always wondered how different Yugyeom would’ve sounded during an intimate scene. I had imagined that it would’ve been louder and deeper, like when the waves come crashing against the shore, but only now do I realize that it had sounded like a different person. It had still been Yugyeom’s voice, but it had been rougher around the edges, rawer, and in a way, vulnerable. I had never heard his voice like that before, and certainly not around other people (as far as I had been concerned). It had been private and intimate, and I enjoyed knowing that this moment had been mine to treasure and imprint to my brain.  

   On the other hand, part of me had also been surprised to see that Yugyeom hadn’t been struggling to keep up with me. I hadn’t considered the possibility of him dating other people (other than me), after all. Had Yugyeom dated other people before me, and had they also shared this moment with him…? Something in me had been lit by then, and the desire to completely monopolize him had grown stronger. I had hoped that Yugyeom would understand how I felt by the way my hands inspected his hair, followed by his body. I had wanted him to feel the way I felt about him, not through just words, but through actions as well. 

   That had been my goal that evening, and Yugyeom had responded just as passionate as I had been. It had been… intense, from beginning to end. 

   Even our walk home had been somewhat intense, but mostly just awkward (which is somewhat hilarious, even for me). I had been just as lost as Yugyeom had been as to how to act. Although there had been countless peaceful moments between us, where we set apart our differences and work it out somehow, we mainly fought. I don’t want to consider it as our means of communication, but that seems to be the case and I want it to change. It’s not healthy to always be fighting, or so I’ve read in magazines. What topic should I have brought up during our walk, so that we could’ve spoken to each other? 

   When we had finally reached our apartment, it had been even more awkward to say goodbye to each other. We both had known what the kiss had entitled, what the consequences would be, but we hadn’t spoken of it yet. It’s like everything’s momentarily on pause as we float around the air, not knowing whether we should cross the imaginary line and make it official or not. It’s possibly one of the most exciting and nerve wrecking feelings a person could go through during the stages of a romance. It’s not the first time I had felt like this; I vaguely remember something similar had happened with Jaebum… but with Yugyeom standing a few feet away from me, in between my apartment door and his, it had felt like the first time I had done something like that. 

   “I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” I had broken the silence unsurely, my voice sounding hopeful even though the answer to it had been obvious. I hadn’t bothered to look for my keys as I normally would’ve done by then. 

   Yugyeom had breathed in heavily before letting out a breathy “yeah”. His expression had been unreadable just as it had been earlier today, but he hadn’t moved either to look for his keys. We both stood there dumbly, unknowingly wishing for the same thing: for the night to not end so soon. 

   Eventually, one of us had caved in, otherwise we would’ve had a staring contest. Since then, I don’t know how many times I had replayed the kiss inside my head. I hadn’t been able to think about anything else except Yugyeom’s soft voice when he had whispered my name into my ear… however, Bambam weighted heavily on the depths of my mind, and I knew that it couldn’t be ignored any longer. Official or not, Bambam needed to know.

P. J. 

A/N: I completely forgot this was the chapter, hahaha. I wonder, were any of you expecting it to happen in this chapter?