Journal entry #19 

   It’s been a while since I visited the park. With so many things occurring all at once, I wanted to thoroughly organize and to analyze my thoughts on them. Perhaps the park isn’t the best location to reflect due to the many distractions it provides, but I wanted to do something different today.  

   It’s a Sunday afternoon, and the sun is the brightest I’ve seen in days. There had been no signs of the sun cheering up, the clouds taking this chance to impose shade everywhere and to double the chances of rain. It’s been humid as a result, and people were sweating either way… but I can tell with a glance over that people are glad of the change of weather, because even though the sun is dazzling, it’s windy. It’s refreshing to be outside at the park today, and even though it’s annoying for me because I’m trying to write and every time I write, the wind is trying to blow away the papers of my journal, I welcome it, nevertheless. 

   Not to mention, it’s the most selfish I’ve seen the sun because there are no clouds in sight. It’s almost as if the clouds’ reign is over, and the center of attention for the day is the sun. This brought a smile to my face regardless of its’ egocentric nature, since for a second, I thought it seemed more humane instead of just mass. 

   The park is crowded throughout with large groups of families due to the gorgeous weather. For some reason, there are very few couples in sight (that I could see of). There are some people strolling around the park while using umbrellas to cover them from the sunrays; a smart strategy, I acknowledged and made a mental note to bring one next time the day is as pretty as it is today. I could also tell from where I’m sitting there’s a light smell of sunblock coming from nearby. Other people are having picnics under the trees and near the sandboxes because of their children playing in them. 

   The park today seems different from the park I’m used to visiting, the park from my memories. It’s not a bad change though. It almost feels like a new beginning, the way everything and everybody seem so happy on the surface about it. 

   I’m currently under a tree at the park because I didn’t want to be alone with Bambam at the apartment. I can feel his growing suspicion (and irritation) that I’ve been hiding something from him. So far, I’ve been able to dodge Bambam’s questions by replying with quirky comebacks, but I’m unsure as to how much longer I’ll hold up, how much longer until Bambam lashes out. It’s been difficult for me to keep it as a secret from Bambam, not because I can’t keep one, but because I instinctively feel the need to tell him about my day. Lately, Yugyeom takes up about a huge portion of my day, and I still haven’t mentioned it to him. I seriously need to speak to Bambam about Yugyeom… 

   Unlike previous times I’ve visited the park, I’m not alone today, which is very unusual for me to do. However, Youngjae’s the one that’s accompanying me today, and he’s always been an exception for many things. As I write this, Youngjae’s sitting down next to me as he talks loudly about an incident that happened at the club he performs at. Although he’s busy preparing to open his restaurant with Mark, Youngjae still performs during the night when he has time. 

   (According to Youngjae, that night had been no different than all the others. He performed as he usually did, and just when he was about to leave the dressing room, a fan tried to get close to Youngjae. He explained to the fan he was leaving, but the fan wouldn’t leave him alone. It got to the point that Youngjae was almost cornered when Mark came in and interrupted the scene. “He looked so cool, Jinyoung!” Youngjae exclaimed with hearts in his eyes as he relived the scene in his head, “Swooping in to save me just in time, just like a prince would do… wait, does that make me the princess?”

   While I was trying not to laugh, it warms my heart to know that Youngjae was doing great with Mark. I think I’ve never seen him more satisfied with his life than he is now.)

   Youngjae doesn’t mind that I’m writing a journal entry around his presence. He knows that I’m paying close attention to his stories by the way I interject and make comments and jokes about it. Youngjae even commented about how he feels honored to know that I’m comfortable around him enough to do so. Hearing him say that made me smile, albeit it wasn’t because I was pleased by it. I don’t blame Youngjae for feeling like that; one year ago, I wouldn’t have imagined hanging out with Youngjae like this again, much less talking to him. It seems like a miracle, but I’m aware that it was because of our efforts to make our friendship last, that made it how it is today... 

   Sorry about that, I took a break from writing. The weirdest encounter to date occurred during the time I wasn't writing. Looking back at it now, I don’t know if I would prefer going back in time to avoid it because it gave me more to think about. In a good way, I guess? I’m not sure, there are a lot of variables I should consider beforehand after this… thing (I don’t know how else to call it) happened. 

   I think it was about two hours ago when Youngjae interrupted me for something. I hadn’t thought much of it, nor had I noticed someone was standing before us. I could tell something was at the corner of my eye, but I ignored it until I looked questioningly at Youngjae. The latter cleared his throat as he gestured towards the mystery person in front of us, but I didn’t need to see who it was to know. Aside from the brand shoes, the washed-out jeans were enough of indication for me to know. 

   (I briefly wondered if he had no other pair of jeans, or if he had more than one pair of washed-out jeans. I wouldn’t be surprised if was the latter. Still, it always struck me as peculiar, even though it wasn’t the first time I saw him wearing them.)

   When I looked up at Yugyeom (should I even be surprised it was him?), I could barely see his face. The sun was doing an excellent job at temporarily blinding my eyesight (more than usual). It seemed overjoyed at this fact by the way it continued to do its' job. “Fancy meeting you here,” Yugyeom commented first, his lips smiling at the coincidence even though I knew better than to buy it. His eyes said otherwise, and I had a feeling that I knew why that was. I acted like I didn’t notice.   

   “It really is,” I agreed with an equally fake smile, ignoring Youngjae’s stare and the growing smile on his face. I hand’t felt embarrassed about greeting Yugyeom, but with Youngjae near me, it was hard not to. He made me self-aware that I had yet to tell him as well about Yugyeom, and I knew that he was going to subject me under intense scrunity and interrogation afterward. “I wasn’t expecting to see you today.” 

   Yugyeom nodded as he gestured vaguely a direction across the park. To my eyes, he seemed highly suspicious of hiding something, but I wasn't certain of what exactly just yet. “I had some errands to do around here,” Yugyeom explained lamely, and I could tell he internally cringed at it by the way his smile faltered ever so slightly. Can't say I blame him at all for that. 

   Instead on commenting about that, I hummed as I left there be a brief pause, taking the opportunity to further observe Yugyeom. It seemed as though he was making connections as he looked between Youngjae and me, and right then, I remembered a crutial detail. I had bumped into Yugyeom on that day a year ago, when I was vulnerable and hurt from the truth Youngjae and Mark had concealed from me up until then. Granted, I had been a mess when I had bumped into Yugyeom, and for the life of me, I couldn't understand why Yugyeom had been unable to forget that moment. It had been so fleeting our encounter, so brief... perhaps something else had happened on that day? 

   Right then, without missing a beat, Yugyeom tilted his head in mock interest as he directed his gaze towards Youngjae. “And you are?” he asked as he offered a charming eye smile, that I knew without doubt that Youngjae would comment about later. 

   Youngjae smiled brightly as he offered a handshake, unaware of the look I was giving him-- or maybe he ignored it, I can't tell at this point in our friendship.  “Nice to meet you, I’m Tuan Youngjae… Jinyoung’s childhood friend.”

   There was a look of genuine surprise on Yugyeom’s features; I wonder what he thought my relationship with Youngjae been? Much to my embarrassment, Youngjae simply laughed as he put a hand on my shoulder for support. Youngjae was acting just like a mother would when they meet the person their son is interested in, and the thought of that made me want to crawl inside a hole the minute Youngjae began talking about me as if I wasn't there with them. “I guess Jinyoung doesn’t say much about himself, does he? But don’t misunderstand, he’s just more reserved than others. Underneath it all, he’s very cute.” Youngjae confided in Yugyeom with fondness in his tone of voice. 

   Yugyeom chuckled as he nodded, “I admit he doesn’t talk much about himself, but I don’t mind. I think it’s part of his charm, and besides, I like getting to know him like this.”

   I told myself I wouldn’t look at him. I knew if I did, I would give away how much joy it brought me knowing he felt like that towards me. I knew Yugyeom was digging for something else, but I couldn’t control the way I felt right then. Perhaps that’s why it had been so easy for me to not look at him… because it was something I could manipulate to my advantage. It’s usually difficult for me to look away from him, and in such cases, I no longer have the opportunity. But this gave me a reason to do opposite of that.

   Besides, if I had looked at Yugyeom, I was afraid he would grow smug over my colored face. I can’t have that, especially when our make-out sessions are still a thing and he can bring it up any moment. 

   Right around then, Youngjae (cheekily) invited Yugyeom to sit down with us. Both of us were surprised at the suggestion, and reflecting about it now, it seems comical to me. I can’t tell who was more shocked about the sudden invitation… but Youngjae didn’t have to say much to persuade Yugyeom to stay. This was one of Youngjae’s specialties after years of being spoilt by both his family and friends. I imagine Mark indulges him as well, whenever he can. That’s why it wasn’t surprising when Yugyeom awkwardly sat down across us with his legs intertwined, unsure as if it was really alright for him to be interrupting our day. Youngjae had been blessed with the gift of persuasion after all.  

   Yugyeom’s posture had been relaxed throughout the conversation, which was a first for me to see. Even when he spoke to Bambam, he still carried himself as he normally would around the Industry; I suppose both setting and public image do play a factor in this. It was a change that I would love to see more often. Not to mention, Youngjae managed to make Yugyeom laugh a few times (not as much as Bambam, but still) within minutes after the latter sat down with us. Soon enough, all of us had been engaged in mindless topics that popped up out of nowhere. Yugyeom’s chance at finding out what happened that day never appeared, but it seemed as if he didn’t mind. I certainly didn’t mind. 

   On the other hand, I sensed that Yugyeom and I had reached a new peak in our so-called-relationship, but it’s one that I’m not sure how long it’ll last. The thought of it falling apart makes me feel both disappointed and woeful. 

   The thing is, I couldn’t but think that it was a good thing Youngjae was there with us. It probably would’ve been way different had it been just the two of us… Hypothetically speaking, if Yugyeom and I enter in a romantic relationship, it can never be as tranquil and as pleasant as our conversation from today with Youngjae had been. We’re not like Mark and Youngjae, who are constantly communicating with each other and providing support for one another. We’re vastly different from them... I would go as far as to say that we’re like a joke next to them.

   It doesn’t matter if I would love to continue getting to know him better, because I don’t see it happening. I don’t see us happening. I can’t even imagine us on a date with each other! 

   And I don’t know how to feel about that. 

P.J.