Journal Entry #3

   When I woke up today, I decided that I was going to face my past once more. I was going to tell Youngjae and Mark that I’m back. 

   My hands were shaking as I took out my cell phone and tapped Contacts. I scrolled down slowly until I reached Mark’s contact information, and I suddenly felt a wave of feelings. I wanted to run away, I wanted to postpone it for another day and never get back to it, I wanted another day where I didn’t need to face reality… but I tapped it anyways, Youngjae’s words weighing heavily on the back of my mind. Nobody is at fault…

   When I finally dialed Mark’s number, I thought back to the Mark that used to be my friend. I wondered if he would be mad at me for cutting him off completely when I left, or if he would be mad at me for not telling him about Youngjae. I wondered what happened afterward with the two of them if I had caused them to drift apart from each other, or… if I had caused them to become closer. I hoped it was the latter. I would’ve felt horrible knowing that I caused them to fight because of my selfishness.

   The call connected (and the urge to run away was back again). It was silent on both ends, just as I feared it would’ve been. However, Mark’s voice wasn’t devoid of emotion because he cried instead. Mark cried as he tried to insult me and tell me everything he felt when he found out I left. I cried as well. 

   Mark passed the phone to Youngjae when we were both satisfied with what was said. I remember that the Youngjae I used to know cried easily; he cried whenever he was moved by a movie or by a book, whenever he was sad, whenever he was frustrated… but the Youngjae on the other end didn’t cry. In fact, he sounded happier and more welcoming than Mark did, and I fear it’s because we left on bad terms. Youngjae got to say the things he wanted to say before I left; Mark didn’t. 

   Both of them took the news well. They both agreed to the idea of formally meeting each other as friends and as husbands. Apparently, Mark and Youngjae married each other during the year I was away. The news took me by surprise, but they both sounded happier than I remember them sounding, so I don’t mind. I’m happy for them. 

   After I ended the call, I realized how much I missed speaking to Mark and Youngjae. Mark didn’t deserve the treatment I gave him, and Youngjae, well, I’m still debating whether I regret it or not. Still, I’m glad to have both of my friends back. 

P.J.