Journal entry #15 

   I’ve been moody ever since dinner. 

   Before then, today had been productive. I had managed to finish all the paperwork I had piled up during the last few days. Not only that, but I had also started working on new assignments Yugyeom had requested for me to work on. Every time Yugyeom would pass by my desk to check over my work, he looked fairly impressed with my organization skills and efficiency for once. I had tried not to look so proud of myself, but something tells me that Yugyeom had known of it anyways because of the smirk he had worn. 

   (Lately, his smirks have been anything but infuriating. When Yugyeom smirks now, I feel myself melting a little bit more each time. I feel more self-conscious as a result, and because I don’t know what to do with myself most of the time, with these emotions, I feel myself turning hot. Literally. My face suddenly begins to burn intensely on its’ own, my palms begin to feel disgustingly sweaty, and my clothes… well… they also begin to feel uncomfortable to be in, though I have a feeling that this goes beyond Yugyeom’s smirk.  

   But who am I kidding? It’s been like this for a while now, but it’s certainly been more controlled. At least I had the opportunity to consult Youngjae regarding this issue, but he had simply looked at me knowingly. As annoyed as I had been with him at the time for opting to keep it as a secret instead of explaining himself, I do wonder what went through his mind when I told him...) 

   Nearing the evening, Yugyeom had stood prominently at the center of the room, looking around as he waited to have everyone’s attention. His eyes eventually met mine, and perhaps it had been my imagination, but he held my gaze longer than he should’ve. I had felt conflicted because while I wanted to break eye contact first, I also didn’t want to look away… and I’m willing to bet that I looked stupid to his eyes. Luckily for me, Yugyeom did me the favor of breaking it first by quickly looking away from me and appearing to be unfazed by it. I hadn’t known whether to hate it or not.  

   Yugyeom had then proceeded to announce that due to everyone’s effort during the last few days, he would treat them to dinner. Apparently, he had been impressed by it because more than anyone else, he knew and understood that their work was demanding. Therefore, according to Yugyeom, they deserved this break as a reward for it. My coworkers had cheered excitedly, some even going as far as to throw papers in the air, as they repeatedly thanked him. Suddenly, in less than a minute, Yugyeom had been the greatest boss we’ve ever had. 

   I shouldn’t have been surprised because I had known for a while that Yugyeom was literally a prince on a white horse, but I had been. It felt like I had been slapped by the realization that he had it all: family, friends, connections, money… of course, his attitude is questionable, but that’s beside the point. Anyone would be lucky to have Yugyeom as their partner. 

   As soon as I had thought that, an image of Bambam appeared in my mind, and my mood had been ruined instantly. 

   I had solemnly picked up my documents as I watched everyone leave the floor, their worries forgotten and replaced by exhilaration. The desire to eat with my colleagues had disappeared, whereas the desire to be at home alone had been stronger than before. However, I knew that I wouldn’t be alone, that the source of my troubles would be there waiting for me. Never had this happened to me before; to think that I wouldn’t want to see Bambam’s face… I had been perplexed at what to do. Whenever something occurred, I would talk to him primarily, but now… 

   As I neared the exit, I had felt someone’s hand on my shoulder, and I had turned around to see Yugyeom smiling. I had instinctively torn my gaze away from his eyes, a part of me fearing that he would look into my soul and know what’s up. Yugyeom had continued talking to me regarding about my performance today, but I hadn’t been paying as much as attention as I probably should’ve. My previous thoughts had been too much of a distraction for me to fully focus on his words. I smiled whenever it had been called for, and I thanked Yugyeom a million of times for whatever words of praise he had been telling me. 

   Much to my surprise, Yugyeom had noticed. He suddenly stopped talking about my performance and asked me if I was okay or not. Yugyeom then proceeded to explain why he had thought something was off about me, “You seem distracted, is all.” He had paused in between his sentences, as if giving it a second thought, “If you don’t mind talking to me regarding your worries and problems, just know that I’m here for you.” Yugyeom had shrugged like it was nothing spectacular, but it had been. To me, anyway. Knowing that Yugyeom had paid attention to my wellbeing and that he cared about how I felt, made me incredibly content. Unfortunately, it was clearly something I couldn’t talk about with him. It was far too private and too personal to talk about during work hours. 

   Just when I was about to answer him, I had noticed that Yugyeom’s attention strayed off from me, and that his gaze had been directed to an approaching figure. Bambam had approached us as he waved timidly at us, my mood turning fouler than it had been before. I couldn’t tell whether one of them had noticed my change of mood; Bambam had tried talking to me, but he continued talking to Yugyeom once he saw I wasn’t making much of an effort to talk. They seemed to get along well, to the point that Yugyeom had invited Bambam to join us to dinner. 

   At this point, I had seriously considered backing out from dinner and to eat somewhere else alone. I didn’t in the end because Yugyeom had never done this before. I had told myself that I wanted to enjoy the free food as much as possible. 

   (Which is partially bull, because I just didn’t want Bambam and Yugyeom to be alone with each other. It’s as simple as that.)  

   We had gone to an open sea food restaurant, and I had sat across Yugyeom and Bambam. Even though Bambam’s my best friend, he had sat next to Yugyeom because they had been conversing the entire trip to the restaurant. It wouldn’t have been odd if Bambam had sat across Yugyeom, but the moment we sat down, it had happened too naturally for him to consider the option of sitting next to me. I had told myself I was fine, even though I kept checking up on them. 

   The amount of times Bambam had made Yugyeom laugh was unbelievable; I had lost count halfway through the meal. The only thing I’m certain about is that I had never seen Yugyeom enjoy himself as much as he did with Bambam. I had tried not to pay attention to them by talking to the coworkers that had sat next to me, but Yugyeom’s laugh kept pulling me back in. I wasn’t used to hearing it so much in one day, in less than an hour; we always fought and talked about work. A smile from Yugyeom was as rare as finding a four-leaf clover, which to be fair, can be found, but after endless searching.  

   I had been the first one to leave the dinner. For a moment, I had thought that Yugyeom would follow suit, considering that we were neighbors, but that didn’t happen. What happened instead was that Yugyeom had kept talking to Bambam. It was strange for me to leave without saying goodbye to both, because I usually do, but I couldn’t bring myself to interrupt their conversation. 

   After that, I had arrived at my apartment. Bambam had left a mess around the living room before he had left for that day. My growing irritation had reached its’ peak for tonight, and I had begrudgingly cleaned it up for him. I had breathed in and out deeply, trying to calm myself by repeating the magic words, “He’s your best friend. You can’t kill him, otherwise, who will you hang out with?” 

   They had worked like magic because after that, I took a shower and I felt significantly better. Now, I’m here, reflecting on my day. Bambam still hasn’t arrived, which is probably for the best, and I don’t want to think about Yugyeom. It’s the first time in a while I’m alone at my apartment, and once more, I learn to appreciate the silence. With this last sentence, I’ll conclude this journal entry: 

   It’s been a ty day.  

P. J.