Journal entry #12 

   It’s been exactly a month and a week since I last wrote a journal entry. The reason being that I was caught up once more by endless stacks of sheets and trying to maintain a private life. However, contrary to Hell Week, this time it didn’t feel like Yugyeom had a personal score he had to settle with me. This time it was because I accidentally let work pile up and before I realized it, I had endless tasks to do that were urgent as soon as I realized it. 

   Thanks to that, my so-called-social-life was instantly killed. I tried to text Bambam, Youngjae and Mark, and occasionally, Jackson as well, whenever I could. Our conversations were short though, and my phone was constantly flooded with messages from them talking to each other. That’s another thing that’s happened; they all got friendly with each other after I introduced them through a chat I created. While I’m extremely happy about it, I can’t help but feel left out. Is it silly of me to feel this way...? I wonder. I just know that I would like to be included when they’re planning future get togethers, that have a 50/50 chance of happening or not. It’s the thought that counts… right?  

   Besides them, I didn’t text anyone. I didn’t talk to anyone except my colleagues and Yugyeom whenever I had a doubt, and each time I talked to Yugyeom, it felt like he was judging me for letting work pile up. Even though it annoyed me, I continued to talk to him because most of the sheets required his signature. Besides, I was Yugyeom’s secretary, so I had to remind him of his schedule even though he’s old enough to remember it. “It’s part of the job description,” Yugyeom would remind me when it should be the other way around, “It was part of the contract that you signed before, that you probably didn’t read.” 

   During moments like that, I would silently consider and reflect on his words of criticism, and continue to do my work. Even though I want nothing more than to grab Yugyeom’s collar and pull him closer to punch his face, I don’t, because I value my job. 

   (And it's during moments like that, that I hate myself the most because Yugyeom would be busy nitpicking my entire existence, and I would be taking the time to admire his eyes. I would find myself getting lost in them, assimilating them to the way stars’ shine and to the way the ocean looks at night, and much to my surprise,  I would find myself thinking that they’re beautiful. It’s an on and off daydream because Yugyeom’s words would resonate all within me, bringing back my attention to the important matters. It never lasted though, because then I would block out his voice and get lost in his eyes all over again. I can’t tell whether Yugyeom knows I temporarily block out his voice when he talks. 

   Sometimes, it’s even worse because I would look at his lips and wonder what would happen if I were to grab his collar and kiss him. I always snap out of it in time, but not before imagining what Yugyeom would taste like… 

   I hope he doesn’t realize that I block out his voice. It’s for the greater good that I do.)

   I’m currently taking the first break I’ve taken in a while. I’m sitting down on my couch at my apartment, listening to the news as background music. It’s a particularly muggy day today, so I’m resting without a shirt on. The fan I bought would’ve been more convenient if I weren’t doing something that required my attention, but I figured I could use it in a bit. The few windows that the apartment has, are open; I can hear the cars stuck in traffic, the wind blowing, and the faint voices of the birds singing. It’s surprisingly calm outside today. 

   As soon as I finish writing this journal entry, I plan to read a book. It’s been a while since I last sat down to read one, so I’m looking forward to dedicating myself to it. After reading for a while, I’ll call Bambam, put him on speaker, as I cook something to eat. I’ll eat when we stop talking, and maybe I’ll read some more. The possibilities are endless… 

P. J.

A/N: I uploaded three chapters today since the other two were particularily short ^^" again, I don't want this story to go super slow for you guys. There's not much development, but it's subtle. We at least know that Jinyoung wants to kiss (Yugyeom, but what's new?)... what do you guys think so far? I would love to hear what you guys think <3