Journal entry #18

   Even though I’m already aware of it and I feel horrible about it, I realize it all over again when I read the last sentence from the previous journal entry. Instead of talking to Bambam as I told myself I would, I’ve been putting it off for later, to the point that I’m avoiding him. Bambam’s not an idiot; he’s many things, but not an idiot. I’m sure that he’s noticed something’s up with me, and that I’m hiding something from him.  

   If only it had been a one-time thing, then I probably would’ve been able to talk to Bambam about it… But it hasn’t been a one-time thing. 

   Ever since the evening I kissed Yugyeom for the first time, I kept kissing him, and Yugyeom kept kissing me back when we’re alone. Suddenly, we can’t keep our hands away from each other; whether it’s at my desk again or at Yugyeom’s desk ( bastard, I swear to God), we’re desperately searching for a moment of bliss like a pair of teenagers. We're both so clouded by our lust for each other, that neither of us has an idea as to how to control it.

   However, I’m not sure if Yugyeom, or even myself for that fact, want to restrain ourselves just yet. 

   The reality is this: we both secretly enjoy the thrill and adrenaline of being discovered at the Industry. Yugyeom doesn’t need to confirm this; I know for a fact that he enjoys fooling around behind everyone’s back. I suppose it serves as a reliever from work and the Industry, but I like to think that it’s for the same reasons as mine. 

   We haven’t had “the talk” either. Even though we’ve been alone more than once since then, we haven’t bothered to sit down and calmly discuss about it. It’s like we discovered a new language (apart from fighting) and we’re both eager to speak it, but somehow, we still miss each other. The idea is there, we both know it, and yet, it hasn’t reached its destination. I’m aware that one of us needs to emphasize how important it is to have “the talk”, so that we finally decide whether to cross the imaginary line or not. 

   By the looks of it so far, it seems that I’ll have to be the one to sit Yugyeom down. 

P. J. 

A/N: Not gonna lie, these last chapters are some of my favorites to read back on. I hope they're as enjoyable to you guys as they are to me! :) Hope you all are safe, practicing social distancing, and quarantining!