What was I doing? Did I even really know? The words had slipped out without much thinking. Or did I actually have an idea of why I said that? My father sat opposite me. He didn’t speak, just shut his mouth and made a firm nod. “Is this what you really want?” I found myself doing the same thing.

“Yes,” I told him as firm as I could sound. “I want to withdraw.” He got up, his chair running along the carpet. I remained where I was as he went to the door. “I’ll be right back,” now I was afraid. Afraid that I had let him down, afraid about how the others would see me backing out.

A moment later he returned with Nicole quickly following.

“Unnie,” she didn’t seem mad. Just disappointed, “you really are pulling out?”

“I can’t do this,” I had to come clean. Confess my sins. “This whole lawsuit business, I don’t know really why or what purpose it would serve if we go ahead.”

“Freedom, unnie,” she put emphasis on that word. “We would have freedom.” I couldn’t argue with her. I could see her shaking from her spot. I just hung my head low from the force of my confession, “I’m sorry.” I kept looking at my lap as the door was heard opening and shutting.

I heard my dad clear his throat. “I should probably call your mother and tell her.” I nodded, dark spots appearing on my jeans. I clenched my fists in my lap, fighting against the wave that was about to crash.
“Appa,” my voice broke; I raised my face. He had stopped at the door. His hand barely touched the brass knob; I got to my feet. My face scrunched up as the tears started to fall. With my eyes tightly closed I asked him. “Appa… Have I done the right thing?” I wiped my face but I kept crying. “But… Why does it feel so bad?”

His face changed for a moment, the impact of my state hitting him in the core. He opened his arms and I ran into them. In there I clutched the fabric of his jacket tightly as I cried my eyes and heart out within his warm embrace. I heard him clear his throat again to speak. “No matter what you choose; we will always support you ok?” I nodded well tried to. He didn’t say anything else directly afterwards, just applied a light kiss on my head.

My father had been adamant about me being a singer. But now it felt like he had accepted that this was my dream and he was always going to be there to look out for me like he was now.

The other girls had left by the time I got back to the dorms. There was a brief note from Seungyeon telling JiHyung that things had gone too far. He looked surprised to see me.
“Hara,” his voice depleted of strength. “You’re staying too?”

“If that’s ok,” my eyes must have looked red to him I still hadn’t recovered from my cry. He nodded solemnly.
“Of course it is,” he sighed, going into the kitchen area. There was a row of used cups by the sink. He glanced at the time. “Shouldn’t you go to bed?” I glanced at my phone, it was still early. But I could see that he wanted to be alone for now, it must have been a huge blow to him, the three of them leaving.

***

For the rest of the week there were no group schedules. I guess they’d all been cancelled as a result. The dorms felt lonely without the other three around. Gyuri had gone out shortly after the fight with Seungyeon and hadn’t returned. I lay in bed just staring at the dark ceiling.

A statement came out from the families of the other three the day after. They still want Kara to be a five member group regardless of the situation. I could hear Gyuri scoff as she heard this while we ate breakfast. Sitting around with nothing to do didn’t feel this normal.

JiHyung entered the room and sat across from us. The bags under his eyes were too obvious and he clutched his temple with a groan. “So, I’ve talked with the company,” he began slowly. “If you two are happy to continue with your individual schedules for the time being then that would be appreciated.”

Gyuri just acknowledged with a nod that she would do this. I agreed to, maybe working would put our minds at ease with the current situation.

There was a lot of negative press around the headquarters of the company which meant I had to stay in the car instead of going inside. In there JiHyung managed to get in and out without being questioned too much and confirmed my individual scheduling for the day.

“How long is this going to go for?!” I heard him mutter as we drove to the television studio for a commercial film shooting. I just leaned back against my seat trying to focus on the people that were walking past.

***

The news focused on DSP and Kara for most of the day. There was a false report of SM Entertainment trying to create a subunit with Taeyeon, Leeteuk and Siwon but apparently the idea had been a flop thanks to the previous scandal of Taeyeon and Leeteuk dating. The name they’d come up with was TaeTeukTaeWon24 and don’t ask me what the numbers stood for.

I finished the shoot and went straight to the car afterwards. My phone ran and I answered the unknown number.
“Hara-yah are you there? Its Seung hyun here on Young Bae’s phone.”

“Oh oppa it’s so good to hear your voice,” I told him.

“I just heard the news, you ok?”

“I’m doing ok,” I admitted the enormity of the situation starting to rise within me again. “How’s things for you?”

“Going slowly,” he said. “We’re coming back at some point. We’re off to LA to film the music video in a few months.”

“Wow daebak.”

“Yeah, I wish I could talk more but I think you’ll be getting a lot more calls in soon. Take care.” He hung up and shortly after I got another person calling me up.

“Hyuna how are you?”

“Omo unnie are you ok? I got worried when I heard about it last night.”

“Yeah I’m doing alright.” Really, or was I kidding myself?

“Let me know if you need anything I’ll be happy to help.” Despite what people say, Hyuna has a big heart.

“Thank you Hyuna, take care.” We ended the call and I got to breathe. I would have the next several days off as well thanks to only having a few individual schedules.

***

January 27

It was getting too much; in less than a month our group had been stretched to its very limit and looked like it was about to crumble. Gyuri did her best to keep everything together but I saw her eat less than she used to and even sleep less during it all. I couldn’t reach the other members by phone so twitter was my only means. My messages all sounded the same though they were sent to them individually:

Please come back. Things can work out I know it.

Don’t leave, things can be better.

The fans on twitter left me supportive messages while some were supportive but at the expense of the other three.

You don’t need those three b******. Gyuri and Hara forever!

At the end of the day I was relieved when Heechul sent me a text, asking if I wanted to drink away my sorrows with him and his crew.

I made this chapter long so good for me. I did the name mention with difficulty but it sort of works. It’s hard locating news over the lawsuit from sites other than Allkpop and the ability to read Korean would probably help. I only know a few symbols so I may as well write them down somewhere.

I have a present for you all. Just click here and you will see something I did for you all.