November 2008

My main agenda for the past five months or so had been this:

Keep away from them.

It didn’t mean that I didn’t speak to Hyunseung from time to time, he was cool. The other three however… Awkward was probably a weak way of describing how I felt. I was no hero, nobody else had emphasized that or showed sign of wanting to do so. As if they already knew that they had said nothing for the past months about it nor was it bought up. Anything about my past agency was kept under the hush too.

However, despite having little training under the company our main director not the president might I add was about to unleash a bombshell on me. I found myself outside his office dressed as smart as I could. This was a long sleeved buttoned shirt, jeans and grey sneakers.

“Junhyung,” the voice was low and shocked. I shifted in my posture to Kikwang and Doojoon who had been hustled along too. Please God don’t tell me that I was meant to be doing something with them.

“Doojoon, Kikwang,” I greeted the two with as much friendliness as I could muster.

“What are you doing here?” Doojoon asked gruffly. From little I’d heard his so-called friend had been kicked out of the company due to the drunken outburst. He must have felt that I’d somehow managed to contribute to his friend’s expulsion.

“I should ask you the same,” I hadn’t meant to come off snarky but it was too late to take back those words. I noticed that they were dressed smart too, Doojoon had a simple white shirt with a v-neck and jeans but he had a black blazer jacket on. Kikwang was in a short buttoned up shirt with the collar undone. His black jeans made his white converse shoes appear dazzling in the lighting.

“Good you’re all here,” we saw the president’s secretary walk over to us. We bowed in respect to him.

“He’s waiting for you,” we nodded without words as he opened the door, gesturing for us to step inside. As we met with the president my eyes went downcast. It didn’t feel right to look at him; like he was a celestial being with superpowers or even dare I say it a unicorn.

“Thank you for coming,” we were allowed to take a seat. “Do you know why you’re here?” I shook my head, the other two remained rigid.

“Why are we here sir?” Doojoon asked politely.

“Because in about three months we will be debuting our first solo act.” he shifted in the chair to Kikwang, “you.” Doojoon and I both glanced at it, he was surprised. His mouth was open to show it.

“I’ll be debuting?”

“Correct,” the Director said. “You’ll be given a stage name and be marketed as the next Rain.” This was a big deal for him; he just sat in awe as the Director continued. “Your dancing and singing is phenomenal for someone of your age plus you’re the oldest trainee we’ve had here regarding the founding of Cube Entertainment so it would only make sense that you debuted before everyone else.”

Hold on? That didn’t make sense to me. I’d more experience with singing and dancing on stage than Kikwang. Why was he the one getting a chance that I deserved?

“Can I interrupt?” They all turned their attention to me. “Sir, why is Doojoon and I here then if he’s going solo?”

“You’ll be backing him up.” Was the answer, “Kikwang’s only weakness is that he’s not as strong as rapper as you. So you two will feature in the song as the rappers.” Anger slowly began to rise in me.

“Does it make sense then to put two rappers in a song?”

“Junhyung,” Doojoon’s voice was low like it had been just recently.

“I mean the rap in a song is usual only two stanzas, three if we’re lucky. That’s less than ten seconds.”

“Is that a problem?” I didn’t like the expression the director was giving me. “From reading your report you’ve been rather unlucky. Can you afford to be rude about such opportunities that people would kill to have?” Every word stung more than the last. I found myself shrinking into my seat, like I was growing smaller into nothing.

“So now you’re over your cocky attitude I’m going to give you a choice. You can participate in the featuring of this album or you can go back to being a trainee and have the chance of being famous delayed for a bit longer.” My head wouldn’t lift up, shame was flooding through me more than guilt. It was like I’d been psychoanalyzed.

“Very well, in that case you two best listen.” With that I remained quiet as he told us about Kikwang’s first single, the finer details and the marketing plans they had for him. It was very exciting for him, I swallowed a few times just to show that I was not bigger than the jealously which circulated around me.

***

December 19 2008

“Junhyung,” I woke up from my sleep to find the face of a trainee close to mine. I pushed him making him fall to the floor.

“What is it?” It was one of our days off so I wasn’t pleased about being woken up when I could sleep in.

“There’s a letter for you.” He reached up from his position to hand it to me. I moved to sit in my bed almost immediately. The handwriting on the front was familiar.

“What day is it today?” I glanced at the calendar.

“What; it’s today?!” I banged my head on the frame of the bunk bed above mine. I rubbed my head as I tore apart the envelope. I spoke to soon as a chorus of low male voices began to start singing the simple chant. “Happy Birthday to you; happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Junhyung; happy birthday to you,” they all clapped and cheered. I stared at them in shock.

“Hyung did you really forget?” One of them asked me as they laughed at my expression.

“Hell no,” I lied. They took turns to say happy birthday to me and what not.

“Oh someone called for you before,” the one whose name I knew as Dongwoon. “They left a message.” It was from my mum, she was going to come to visit along with Junsung. I heaved a sigh; I didn’t know what to tell them. I called them regularly to assure them that I was still alive but even then it felt like it wasn’t enough.

“Thanks,” I said to him as Doojoon came in with Hyunseung and Yoseob following.

“Is the protégé practicing again?” I joked. Hyunseung was the only one who seemed to understand. Yoseob and Doojoon appeared uncomfortable.

“Here,” Doojoon handed me what looked to be a rather small package, “this is from our choreographer instructor.” I opened the box to find a pair of colorful headphones.

“Tell him I said thanks,” I put them on to adjust them. They felt comfortable enough.

***

The rest of the day was laid back. From the message I knew mum and Junsung weren’t coming until six thirty. They said they would meet me at a particular restaurant so after I did the minimum amount of practice I felt like doing that day I got rugged up and went to the meeting place.

I checked the time on my phone, five minutes late. Ten minutes, half an hour; soon it was over an hour. It was cold where I was waiting; the temperature had to be at least three to five degrees if not less than zero.

“Hyung,” a dejected voice addressed me. I turned to see who was walking towards me. They staggered from the cold despite the thick coat they wore with fur lining the hood. As they got closer I recognized the face. It hadn’t been long since I’d seen it but it felt as if I was looking upon it for the first time in years.

“Junsung,” my throat went dry as he came to me. He’d grown since last time. Some of the baby fat that once was in his cheeks had disappeared revealing a gaunter face.

“Hyung,” he shifted the weight from one foot to the other, uncomfortable it seemed.

“Why is it just you what happened to mum?”

“She isn’t feeling well,” I scowled at this. When you get to the age I was with a sibling you started to learn how their voice sounded or the way they wouldn’t look at you if they were lying.

“Junsung, tell me the truth,” my voice was low and flat. “Why isn’t she-?”

“—Because she didn’t want to!” This made me stop. Junsung’s eyes were wide and full of guilt, shame almost. I swallowed as I struggled to understand.

“…She doesn’t want to see me?”

“Yes,” saying just that phrase made him miserable. “She doesn’t understand.”

“Understand what?”

“Why you would keep going after this dream when it costs you so much.” He looked away for a moment, his hand almost going to his eyes. “D-dad doesn’t mind. He’s happy that you’re trying again.” Junsung shook his head as if to erase the emotions that were beginning to flow. “B-but mum doesn’t see it that way.” A hiccup escaped from him, masking a possible sob. “She misses you, all of us do.” I found myself swallowing a lump that had gotten stuck in my throat. He knew very well that I wasn’t good with my emotions and that if he cried then so would I.

“Junsung,” I went over to him; not thinking it through. I’d never seen him like this. Normally he was very happy, at least so he appeared to be. This was probably one of the few times he was so miserable.

“Hyung,” I stopped before him. He was almost taller than me. “Hyung… I don’t know what’s wrong with me.” My hands had gone up towards him, I lowered them again, the fists closed slightly.

“Junsung,” my face fell as I spotted something. It was a long scar that ran down the left of his temple stopping where the top of his ear was. It hadn’t healed properly. I reached out to try and get a closer look.

“Hyung,” he pushed my straying hand away from his face. “I-it’s nothing.”

“Rubbish,” I scoffed but decided to drop it.

“This is for you,” Junsung pushed a box towards me. I opened it to find a hand baked cake.

“Mum made it at the last minute…” Junsung explained. “She didn’t want to feel as bad as she does now.” I nodded, examining in care the scraggly lines of black icing on the red background which spelt out ‘Happy Birthday Junhyung.’

“Thank you,” I closed the box with a hand and placed it on the ground. I then did something unusual. I put an arm around my brother in an awkward side hug.
“Thank you,” I released him, his ears going red. My attention went to my pocket which had my wallet in it. “Hyung doesn’t have much money now…” I felt guilty at this fact, “So is fried rice ok for tonight?” When he didn’t respond straight away Junsung shifted his position and took out his phone which was ringing.

“Are you two here?” I froze. What was he talking about?

“Alright, I think he knows where that is,” what was what? Who was on the line?

“Yeah I think he will be; ok bye.” He hung up.

“Junsung…” I began.

“Do you know where this particular restaurant is?” He asked with a smirk beginning to creep onto his face. “Because that’s where mum and dad are; they are waiting for us right now.”

“WHAT?!” I could have strangled him. “Y-you mean t-they were coming after all?!”

“Did you get fooled?” To rub it in he stuck out his tongue. “Mehrong got you.” I went at his throat; my hands gripping onto it. But my grip was too slack; I think it was due to the amount of happiness that was coming over me. I had to let go to compose myself and to make sure I wasn’t tearing up from being emotionally moved.

A long chapter, next we have Hara and whatever is happening with her….