CHAPTER XXXXI

**TAEHYUNG**

Back then, when I imagined seeing Irene again after being away from her for so long, I felt somehow comfortable. I thought we’d share smiles and possibly even shed some tears. Never did I imagine our first meeting after years of not seeing each other to be this…uncomfortable.

Upon knowing it was me who paid her a visit, she did nothing but nod and offer me a seat on one of her room’s mini couch. Her face was void of any emotions. I’m not sure if she’s doing it on purpose to cover something like how she used to before or there’s really just nothing left of what we had in the past that would warrant her to offer me any kind of expression. In return, I bore the same nonchalant look despite the urge in me to smile and make things less awkward.

Damn, Yerin and her happy pill virus.

I made my way inside, making myself comfortable on the couch right after. There were no smiles, no tears, no whatsoever. Nothing. Everything we did was stiff, even the air doesn’t seem right. The scene I once had in my mind felt like an utterly hopeless dream.

“Taehyung,” she said, her voice so low that it came out more of a whisper.

“Yeah, it’s me.” I could have thought of a better reply but right now, I don’t see why I should bother. Irene doesn’t seem to be interested with my visit anyway. I admit. It’s quite disappointing, seeing her so distant even if she’s just an arm’s reach from me but somehow, I also don’t feel any tug in my chest. Where has all the hurt gone to? What happened to those feelings of longing?

She took in a breath and forced a smile for the first time. In my head, I wondered. Shouldn’t I feel something just about now? I miss her, don’t I? I’m supposed to be thrilled to be seeing her in person.

But I’m not. What is wrong with me?

“What brought you here?”

Johnny.

“I…I don’t know.” I looked down, deciding the floor is a better view than Irene’s inquisitive gaze that seems as though she’s trying to read my mind. I’m aware that I’m good at hiding what I truly feel and think inside, but I haven’t been with Irene for years. I still don’t know how greatly she could affect me now. I may or may not make myself vulnerable without me actually being conscious of it.

“You don’t know?”

I gave a single nod, “I guess I just wanted to see you after knowing that you’re finally here.”

Lie.

“My parents will throw a fit if they know you’re here,” she said. Again, I nodded. I already had that in mind before I decided to make my visit. I know Irene’s parents aren’t exactly fond of me and well, the feeling’s mutual, but if I really want to find peace within myself as soon as possible, bearing the Baes’ insults is a risk I’m willing to take.

“But they’re not here, are they?”

“No. They’re in Taipei. They won’t be back until the morning of Thursday, right before my party.”

“Ah, right. The party.”

Irene finally made her way to join me on the couch. The seat was not that big, but she made sure to make a safe distance between us. I would have complained but oddly enough, I find the space reassuring. Somehow, I feel like it really isn’t right for us to act close like before as if nothing happened. Years passed. We’ve disconnected so much. I don’t think just a few minutes will suffice in getting us back to where we used to before. And as much as I hate to admit it, Yerin crossed my mind. I feel like I’m betraying her if I ever try to make a move on Irene. Damn that woman. She’s not making things any easier for me.

“Yerin-ssi told you?”

“No,” I flatly said, “She didn’t even tell me you met her.”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I should have let you know,” she said, facing me which lessened the gap between us. She noticed my discomfort and the way I slightly backed away, so she inched back to her previous position while I remained leaning back against the armrest of the couch. I don’t know if it’s just my eyes playing tricks on me, but I saw how her lips frowned for a moment before she went back to pressing it in a tight line. What does that mean?

“It’s fine. I’m sure you have your reason and so does she.”

**YERIN**

I closed the door to my apartment and rested my back against it, sliding slowly until my bottom hit the floor. I pulled my knees closer to my chest and hugged them tightly with both arms. My breath felt heavy. I was panting, still not recovering fully from my little outburst back at the café.

I tried breathing slow, wanting to compose myself but the more I tried, the harder it is for me really calm down. It wasn’t long before I gave up and that’s when the tears started falling.

“You’re all just as selfish as you say she is.”

I sobbed. Did I really mean that? Did I really intend to tell them those words? Or had I been too much?

My phone buzzed from my pocket and swiftly, I fished it out and read the message, hoping it is one of the girls.

“Gongnam University is inviting you to come and witness…”

I scoffed bitterly to myself. Who was I kidding? I was the one who walked out on them. I shouldn’t expect them to send me an apology. I may not have known them for that long, but I could tell that they too have their own pride to protect.

“I guess you’re on your own now, Yerin. You just shoved your friends away.”

I tried to hold back a sob, but it hasn’t been long before I gave in and allowed myself to wail.

Let it all out. There’s no point in holding it in.

“Mom…Dad…” I unconsciously called out. I want them to hear me out. I want them to comfort me and tell me everything will be okay. I want to feel their embrace and see their faces.

“I want to go home.”

**TAEHYUNG**

I deliberately took my time in sipping my tea, not wanting to meet Irene’s gaze, but the more time I allow to pass, the more awkward it got so I decided to let it go and place my cup back on the table.

Irene felt relieved seeing me do something other than avoid engaging in further conversation with her. She straightened her back and cleared , “To say I’m surprised by your sudden visit would be understating it. You certainly caught me off-guard.”

“Sorry about that. I just wanted to make things straight as soon as possible.”

Her brows scrunched. “Enlighten me on your point.”

I stopped. Wait. How am I supposed to explain it to her? How can I tell her that I came here to reassure myself that I no longer bear the same feelings for her as I did years ago?

Kim Taehyung, you really should have thought things over before rushing here.

“I…uhmmm…”

Think of something…

“Uhhh…”

Hurry, Kim Taehyung! You need closure, right?

“You want to know if there’s a chance for us to get back together?”

“Yes!”

Irene fell silent and so did I.

Did she say something? What was it?

“Taehyung…”

If I’m not mistaken, she asked if I wanted to get back with her, right? And what did I say?

…

Oh, snap!

“Wait. No! That’s not what I meant!

“Huh?” Irene looked flustered and again, I think I just saw her smile curve into another frown. Was it because of something I said?

Wait…when did she smile? Ughh! This is so frustrating. I’m already confused with myself. The last thing I need is another question to add to my long list.

I held both my hands out and tried to explain as best as I could, “What I’m saying is no, I’m not here to ask for a second try at our relationship.”

Irene grimaced.

“But don’t take it the wrong way!” I defended right away. I need her to listen to what I need to say first. If what I’m here for is to set my feelings straight, then I need her cooperation. “I’m not saying I loathe you or anything like that. It’s just that…”

“That what, Tae?” she asked. The way she called me, enabling emotions to come surging back, but I know better than to allow myself to drown in them again. I want happiness and I don’t think I can still find it in the past. Irene may be already within reach. I may still have a chance, but after some thought, I realized. Is it even worth it? We fell apart years ago. We grew and matured without each other. Things will never be the same no matter how much we try. And honestly, I wonder why I only came to this conclusion now that Irene’s here. Do I owe anything to Johnny, perhaps?

“Tae?” she called out, placing her palm on top of mine before I pulled away, not seeing it right to feel the warmth of her hand, mainly due to an image of Yerin’s face appearing in my mind the instance she did so.

Damn it, woman. Could you please leave my mind alone for a minute? I need to think properly here.

“Are you okay?” Irene’s face was filled with concern that it made me regret making her worry for nothing.

“I’m fine. Where was I again?”

“You were trying to tell me something.”

“Oh, right…about that…” I paused for a while, glancing at Irene. I want to know if she still has her ears for me. Whatever I’m going to say, I want my words to reach her. I’m done living with all the negativity between us. What happened is all in the past. From this day onward, both of us deserves to live in the present. Both of us is worthy of being happy.

“Can we still be friends?”

**YERIN**

I awok