WARNING : Mention of self hatred/self doubt. Please don't read if it triggers you. 

"Don't touch me! "

"Hands off, hyung! "

"Let go of me! "

"Keep your hands to yourself! "

Those words echoes in N's mind as he stares blankly at his own hand, completely oblivious to his surrounding. Earlier he has tried to hug Ravi when the rapper emerges from his and Hyuk's shared room but before he could actually touch him, Ravi has slapped his hand away with an angry scowl on his face. 

"Get off me! "The rapper has yelled before storming away from him. 

And it makes N wonder, why does Ravi hates his touch so much? It's not like he have any ill intention towards him, he's just trying to show his affection. 

He remembers back then, during their trainee and early debut years, Ravi wasn't like this. He was affectionate and almost as cuddly and touchy and N is. 

So what changed? 

"Do you hate me? "N asks quietly when he gets pushed away for the fourth time that day. This time, he wasn't even trying to touch or hug Ravi . He was just reaching over the rapper's shoulder to get his things from the table Ravi is sitting at but Ravi thought he wanted to backhug him and so he pushed him away. 

Ravi blinks at the question. "I hate it when you touch me. "He says and N stares at him. 

"And why is that? "N asks yet Ravi refuses to answer. 

"Just go and sit somewhere else. Why do you need to be so close to me? "Ravi demands as he turn his attention back to his phone. 

"Am I dirty, Wonshik? Am I really that disgusting to you? "N wonders quietly but Ravi has heard none of that as he has shoved the earphones into his ears. 

N couldn't sleep with all the thoughts running through his mind and the strongest thought is about how dirty and disgusting he is that Ravi wouldnt even let he touch him. 

He wasn't thinking when he gets up from his bed and found himself standing at the kitchen sick, lathering his hands with an outrageous amount of those lavender-scented handwash. And he stands there, not even keeping track of the time as he scrubs his hands over and over again, only finally snapping out of his trance when the light of the kitchen is switched on. 

"Hakyeon? What are you doing? "Leo asks in a sleepy voice as he walks up to him. 

"Washing my hands. "N says simply as he finally rinse of his hands. 

Leo frowns, staring at the amount of bubbles filling their kitchen sink and wondering just how much soap has N used. "You might as well be trying to prepare a bubble bath in the sink, Hakyeon-ah. What's with that much soap? "he asks but N is already gone, leaving him alone in the kitchen. 

"Wonshik-ah, I've washed my hands properly. Can I touch you now? "

Ravi makes a weird face at N's question. "So what if you washed your hands? "He asks. 

"I'm not dirty anymore? "N says in a small voice but Ravi just scoffs. 

"I never said you're dirty. And no, you still can't touch me. "

Just washing his hands isn't enough, N realise. Perhaps it's his whole body that is dirty, he thought as he enters the bathroom that night, standing under the cold water as he scrub his body with that expensive body wash he just bought. 

And again, he lost track of time, only snapping out of it when a knock at the door startles him. 

"Hyung, how much longer are you going to take? I need to shower too. "Comes Hyuk's voice and N immediately comes out. 

Sitting there on the couch, Leo couldn't take his eyes off of N. Not because of how attractive the leader is but because of the condition of his skin. The leader's skin are incredibly dry with some skin peeling off here and there due to too much scrubbing. There are even wounds that with no doubt are caused by scrubbing along N's arms and hands and if Leo just squints harder, he swear he sees a speckle of blood seeping through the back of N's shirt. 

"Where are you going? "He asks when N suddenly stands up. 

"Shower. "N says simply and Leo frowns so hard that he might even get permanent wrinkles. 

"You just showered an hour ago. And this is the 8th time today. "Leo points out and N shrugs. 

"I'm sweaty. "He says and Leo really wants to smack him for the lie . 

"It's freaking winter, Cha Hakyeon. "He hisses and immediately, N looks anxious. 

"I just want to take a shower, okay?! Why do you care so much?! "He lashes out. 

Leo blinks calmly at him. "I care because you're taking too much shower that you're hurting yourself. "He says. "Don't you think I noticed those body wash getting used up in just a couple of days? Don't you think I noticed you taking a shower almost every hour? " he demands and N bites his lips,refusing to face the main vocalist.

"I--"

"What's wrong actually ,Hakyeon? You can tell me,you trust me don't you ?" Leo coax and he watches as N's eyes gets watery.

"I...I'm dirty." He whispers causing Leo to widen his eyes.

"Dirty? You? Who told you that?" He demands as he feels his blood boiling.

N shakes his head."No one...I just...I'm just dirty. "He mutters.

" You're not dirty, Hakyeon.You're far from that. What makes you think you're dirty ?"Leo demands in between gritted teeth and that's when N's tears finally fall.

"I...Wonshik won't let me touch him. And it must be because I'm dirty,right? What other reason is there?"

"Wonshik,huh?"

Ravi was silently working in his studio when there's an urgent knock at his door and sensing the urgency,he gets up to open it only to be shoved against the wall by a fuming Leo as soon as he unlocks the door.

"H-hyung?" He murmurs in confusion, wincing at the pain on his head and back .

Leo growls at him."Do you know what have you done to Hakyeon?"he demands and Ravi blinks innocently.

"Done?" He echoes."I haven't even seen him in like weeks,hyung.How could I do anything to him?"he asks and if looks could kill,he would have been dead with how murderous Leo is currently glaring at him.

"You hurt him, Wonshik. Physically." Leo says as he pushes Ravi to sit on the couch.

"But what did I do?!" Ravi asks and Leo hisses at him.

"You made him insecure."

As soon as Leo not so kindly told him what is actually happening ,Ravi has rushed back into the dorm and he crosses path with N who's furiously washing his hands at the kitchen sink.

"Hyung..." He calls out carefully and N turns around to face him in record time.

"Wonshik,you're home!" He says excitedly and it makes Ravi's heart clench when N doesn't jump on him like he would usually do so he decides to initiate it instead. He takes a step towards N and to his surprise,N steps back,creating a bigger distance between them.

"Won't you hug me, hyung?" He pleads and N's eyes widen.

"I can't." He denies.

"Why not ?" Ravi asks and Ns answer,hearing it from his leader's own mouth makes his knees go weak.

"Because I'm dirty,Wonshik-ah.I'm still disgusting."

Kneeling on the floor,Ravi lets his tears fall.

"I'm sorry,hyung.I'm really sorry.please forgive me."

A/N I'm still accepting request but please keep in mind that I won't be able to write each and every request,I'm very sorry but I'll only write the request that I'm capable of writing ..

Please don't get upset or hate me if I don't write your request.  :(

Anyway, this chapter is requested by dpwa0909

I'm actually surprised by how depressing this chapter gets huhuhu...what do you think?