Warning: Too much relatability, much sadness, much cursing.

'I’ve been single for too long.' Mark thought as he walked down the street admiring the cherry blossoms that have started to bloom along the riverside. Couples sitting on the grass, couples taking strolls, couples taking pictures, couples in the ice cream shops, restaurants, on the benches, every ing where and Mark was pissed.

How can other people just get into relationships so easily? What was it about them that made someone else think “I want to be with them permanently” and him that made people think “I just wanna that, nothing else.”

Mark was tired of it.

He was single for the past 5 years. Just looking for a relationship. 5 years of getting rejected. 5 years of meeting terrible guys. 5 years of loneliness.

It’s not that he didn’t try to be with people, it’s just every time he thought he found a person they told him.

Your face was my ideal type but…

You’re y but…

You’re really nice but….

I feel really comfortable around you but….

I thought I liked you but….

I thought I was ready for a relationship but….

BUT! BUT BUT! But….

Mark was tired of hearing that word. Couldn’t other guys just mean what they say? Couldn’t their actions just be out of affection and not some ulterior motive? Couldn’t him just being him be enough?

Mark felt tears spring to his eyes as he walked along the riverside path kicking some stones in his pathway. He suddenly came to a stop as the big sniffle hit. All he wanted to do was go outside for a peaceful walk now that it was warm, but he ended up tearing himself down with the same issue he has been insecure about for the past 4 years.

The first tear fell.

He needed to get out of there now. The couples were starting to stare at him and whisper.

He made a dash for it. He couldn’t stand the pity stares of the people who were the object of his insecurity and jealousy.

Pushing people aside, eyes closed, he started to hate himself more than ever. 'How pathetic could he be? Could it get any worse than this?' Mark thought and as if the world heard him, he tripped over an overgrown tree root and hit the ground face first.

He lied there wondering if he should get up or just become one with the ground. The ground he wished to swallow him up just like his sadness did. As he was thinking this, a deep voice came from above him “That looked like a really bad fall, are you okay?”

Mark didn’t want to look up to face whichever boy which will obviously judge him for his disheveled state, so he kept silent with his face in the grass.

The guy above him was silent for a bit then Mark felt a poke in his shoulder. “You didn’t hit your head so much you passed out right? That’d be really bad. For me as a witness.”

A girl’s voice called out from afar, “Oppa, should I call an ambulance? Is he ok?”

'Of course', Mark thought, ''of course it would be a guy that is already happily dating someone. Of course, a story-like meetcute couldn’t happen to him like this'. Another sniffle and a weak sound came from him involuntarily.

“He’s alive. Give me a second Jiyoung!” The guy said back to the girl then placed a large warm hand on his back and rubbed soothing circles on his back. “It’s ok, I would cry too if I hit the ground that hard.  But on the bright side no concussion right?”

'What an ' Mark thought, though the hand on him felt nice and calming. Mark mentally slapped himself. 'How could I think that about a taken man?'

Mark pushed the hand off of his back and sat up and faced the man in front of him with a glare. Admittedly, a softer one than intended after seeing how handsome said taken man was.

A soft wow was uttered from the said handsome stranger as well. “You sure ed up that pretty face of yours.”

The glare intensified after that statement.

The guy then proceeded to take off his backpack and rummaged around in there wordlessly. Mark watched him curiously until pulled out band-aids and a handkerchief. He grabbed Mark’s hand and shoved them in his hand rather forcefully then immediately stood up leaving Mark blinking confusedly at him.

“Tears, dirt and grass makes you look ty. You can keep the handkerchief.” The boy said with a small grimace. “Try running with your eyes open next time.” He said with a genuine smile which did not match his of a comment. Before Mark could say anything back to him, he strolled off to his ‘girlfriend’ and left Mark sitting on the ground

Mark looked down at the blue and pink handkerchief and 2 character-based band-aids.

“What an ” Mark muttered under his breath even though he was smiling to himself.

*****************************

He was hanging out with his friend Jackson in his apartment a couple days after, since Jackson had to hear about the handsome he met earlier in the week in person.

They’ve been sitting on the couch with Netflix playing some random movie they chose as Jackson waited for Mark to open up. Mark had kept quiet since Jackson came in since disclosing the details would mean talking about his insecurities, talking about the embarrassing fall, talking about how he was such a dork for washing and saving the handkerchief he got in his drawer….

A popcorn to the face broke his train of thought. “I can’t read your ing mind Mark. I came here to talk not to look at your bruised face.”

Mark scowled and sighed. “I don’t really wanna talk about it Jackson. He was taken and I’m still single.”

“You can’t get in a relationship if you don’t put yourself out there sweety.”

“You know as much as anyone how much I’ve tried Jackson. It just never works out.”

“Well, there’s this app lately that could help you…”

“No Jackson, I said I wanted it to be more natural. Especially since guys on apps aren’t ever looking for relationships.”

“You never know till you try Mark. “

“No Jackson…”

“Fine! I was just saying….” Jackson paused. “Can I borrow your phone to make a call? I think I left mine in the car.”

“Yea sure” Mark said absentmindedly as he unlocked his phone and gave it to Jackson. He should have known something was up from that smile Jackson gave him as he took his phone but he brushed it off as Jackson being Jackson and went back to wallowing in hating himself for still liking the guy he knew was taken, was a to him, but…was also simultaneously kind to him when he could have left him face planted in the grass. Mark reached up to touch the Ryan band-aid that was still on his cheek and smiled. He is so screwed. He should honestly give up.

Mark was so lost in thought he didn’t question why Jackson didn’t come back with his phone as yet and he heard no talking. After 20 minutes of silence though, he got curious and went to go find Jackson to only find him messaging someone on his phone. 

“What do you think you’re doing?” Mark asked his voice icy causing Jackson to freeze.

“Don’t be mad-” Jackson started softly

“Too late. Give it back to me right now.”

“But-“

“You know I hate that word. NOW.”

Jackson slowly handed back over the phone to Mark. After he glared at Jackson one last time, he looked down on his phone to see an unfamiliar chat box with a guy named Jinyoung. He didn’t know any Jinyoung’s. His eyebrows furrowed as he clicked on the photo which led him to the profile of the said boy. His eyes widened and he almost threw his phone.

“WHAT THE JACKSON???”

“Let me explain….”

“You download a ing dating app on my phone and then. AND THEN. MATCH WITH HIM OF ALL PEOPLE??”

Jackson immediately became confused. “You know him?”

“YES! This is the who has a girlfriend who helped me when I fell flat on my face after feeling like a loser! Why is he on a dating app? Does his girlfriend know???”

“Mark, calm down a bit.”

“No, I’m gonna confront this guy” Mark said as he went back to the messages to see another message from “Jinyoung”

‘You know even though you were covered in tears and grass, you still were one of the most handsome men I’ve ever met.’

Mark scoffed. Bull. He rolled his eyes as he quickly scanned the rest of conversation before answering. Luckily Jackson didn’t say anything out of the ordinary as yet.

“It’s interesting you thought that as your girlfriend was right behind you.”

Mark typed back to Jinyoung.

Jinyoung typed back immediately after

“What girlfriend?”

“The one that was with you that day we met!”

Mark typed back furiously.

“Oh her. She’s just a friend. I’m obviously interested in guys. Especially pretty guys like you 😉”

Mark despite himself found himself blushing and smiling.

“I was hoping you still had my handkerchief. I kind of want it back.”

Mark frowned.

“I thought you said I could keep it…”

“Yea but then I realized I liked that one and I want it back.”

Jackson came over his shoulder to watch the conversation as they bantered back and forth till Mark gave in to meet and give him back his handkerchief on a “date” as Jinyoung put it. Mark sighed as they agreed on a time and place.

“I knew it was a good idea to get you on this app. Look at you getting a date with the guy u liked already!” Jackson laughed with his hyena laugh as Mark elbowed him in the side. “Gotta say, he’s pretty hot…” Jackson continued and Mark proceeded to push him into the wall and walk away to hide the smile on his face.

A couple weeks later, Mark had been on a couple “dates” with Jinyoung. Jinyoung always managed to leave something when they hung out so that he would ask for it back as an excuse to meet again at his house, which Mark denied. Mark pretended to be annoyed by it all but he was honestly happy there was a reason to see Jinyoung again. They went to many scenic places, took a lot of pictures together, it was all and all very surrealistic. He always felt cherished while with Jinyoung since he paid for everything, brought him small gifts, never failed to compliment him every day. He treated him so preciously and cautiously, Mark was starting to think that maybe this is it. Maybe this could finally be what he was looking for. 

Mark wanted gathered the courage to message Jinyoung to meet up so that he could share his feelings.

“Hey, I have something to tell you. Do you have time to meet later today? :)”

“Yea, wanna come over to my apartment? We can do more things than just talk.”

“Um, no I’d rather we met at a park or something.”

“We always meet in public. Can’t you tell me in private?”

Mark frowned. He couldn’t understand why Jinyoung was being like this.

“Jinyoungie, I wanted to ask you something really important.”

“And I want you to come over.”

“Why are you being like this?”

“Because I didn’t think it would take this long to get you to sleep with me.”

It was like someone had splashed cold water on Mark’s face. Was he reading this correctly? He couldn’t be…

“I’m just being honest here.”

“Do you really mean what you said?”

Mark typed back slowly.

“Yes. That app is for hookups you know. You looked cute and sad when we met so I thought you were going through something and was looking for to cheer you up.”

Mark paled as every word he read ran a sword through his heart.

“So, everything you did for me….that was all just to get me to sleep with you?”

Mark typed in disbelief.

“Well yes and no. The affection was real. But I don’t even like foreigners. I thought it'd be fun to try one out”

'What the actual …'Mark thought.

“I thought you liked me. I liked you. I was going to tell you that today. I wanted to take this more seriously but that’s not what you want.”

Mark typed as tears rolled down his face.

“I’m sorry I’m not looking for so you will have to find some other target.”

“Oh, so that’s a no?”

“Yes.”

“Well. I guess that’s that.”

Mark couldn’t believe what he was reading so he asked naively

“So do you want to stop talking now or can we be friends still?”

“Maybe its best if we stop talking to each other?”

The soft tears that he was shedding before turned to full sobs.

“Ok then. Goodbye Jinyoung. Thank you for a nice time though.”

He typed then proceeded to block Jinyoung’s number, block him on the app and deleted the app.

He immediately called Jackson and broke down over phone telling him what just happened. Even though Jackson tried to console him, he couldn’t listen. All of his insecurities came swarming back in his mind 100x worse than before. He really wasn’t worth anyone’s time. He was only a object. He was only seen for his face and body. There must be something wrong with him that this keeps happening to him. Jackson’s voice faded in the background as he laid there crying himself to sleep that night.

Mark woke up late the next day not feeling like doing anything so he lazed in bed and tried his best not to think about last night. As he felt the first tear starting to fall, he got out of bed and went to the bathroom to wash up. 'I should get used to this.' Mark thought to himself as he used warm water to rub away his swollen eyes. 'I shouldn’t keep letting all these guys have control over me like this. I’m better than this.' He looked at himself in the mirror and continued his pep talk till he heard his phone go off.

He quickly dried his face and head to his room thinking it was Jackson messaging him asking if he was ok.

What he did not expect to see was a friend request from a certain Park Jinyoung.

Mark immediately got upset and deleted the request. He was about to block Jinyoung on Facebook as well till he saw that he had a message request from Jinyoung as well.

“Hi Mark. I’m super sorry for what I said last night, I really hope you will give me a chance to apologize. I was dumb. I didn’t mean what I said, please hear me out?”

Mark stared at that message for a long-time contemplating if he should accept or deny the message request. Should he let Jinyoung back in or cut him off completely after the trauma he went through last night. As he was contemplating another message came in.

“I know I don’t deserve it but please Mark.”

Mark took a deep breath and pressed the accept button and typed one word.

“Speak”

It was read immediately, as the typing bubble popped up.

“I know nothing can atone for what I said yesterday. But I just got scared. I didn’t expect to have feelings for you even with the intentions I had. I told you the affection was real, and it was. I do like you Mark. I just didn’t know what to do when you were so kind to me when all I had were bad intentions. But then I woke up missing you.”

Mark rolled his eyes. This is a bunch of crap. He was about to block Jinyoung again as another message came in.

“Please don’t block me.”

“I know I was an and I admit it. I sometimes don’t know how to express my emotions correctly so instead of owning up to them I pushed you away and said a lot of mean things. I actually love foreigners. It was one of the charms about you that drew me to you.”

“But that’s weird to admit. Please forgive me and give me one more chance to make it right. I’ll treat you better. I’ll be better. I want to actually try with the right goal in mind this time. If you will still have me that is.”

Mark’s broken heart softened after reading such a sincere apology. And life must hate him because here he is feeling happy and hopeful since he didn’t stop liking Jinyoung and here he was trying to give him exactly what he wanted.

“I forgive you.” Mark started his text back.

“But I can’t get over what you did so quickly. It really hurt me when you said what you did.”

“I know. I’m a big idiot” Jinyoung immediately typed back

“And an .” Mark added with a small smile.

“That too. Please if you would give me a chance. Can you meet me where we first met at around 1pm today? Please. I promise I will do better Mark.”

Mark couldn’t overlook such sincerity from a boy he had fallen for even though he ripped his heart to shreds just a couple hours ago. So, he texted back a yes and proceeded to get ready to meet Jinyoung even though he was still uncertain.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Mark arrived at the park by the river a little after 1pm to be petty. The mental fight in his head whether to go or run was still raging in his mind but here he is smiling and waving back to Jinyoung who is brightly smiling at him. ' me and my weak heart.' Mark thought to himself as he approached Jinyoung as he looked as handsome as ever.

A weak “hey” barely escapes Mark’s mouth before Jinyoung kneels before him and hands out a large bouquet of yellow roses.

“I remembered you said you liked yellow….and I really wanted to apologize so….here. I’m sorry Mark!” Jinyoung earnestly said while staring hopefully and searchingly into his eyes. “Please say you will accept them.”

“Why should I?” Mark asked bravely even though his heart was racing.

“Because I think I want to be with you forever. I never want to wake up missing you by my side and thinking I won’t ever see you again. I know it’s selfish of me to ask this but can we start over?”

Mark tried not to smile but took the roses from Jinyoung who immediately beamed up at him but stayed on his knee.

“I’ll give you a chance. But you are still an for what you did.”

Jinyoung hung his head low and muttered a low “I know, I can’t say sorry enough”

Mark then finally smiled and then tilted Jinyoung’s head up for a light kiss. “Lucky for you you’re a handsome .”

Hi everyone!  Surprisingly I'm back! I hope you all are doing well and are staying safe in the face of the corona virus spread. Please take protection to keep yourself healthy and safe. :)

In other news, I will be updating my other stories very soon! And always know your worth guys and gals!!! This was a more serious story than my usual but I wanted to spread awareness that it is ok to feel insecure. We are only human. Don't give someone else the power to tear you down. I love and miss all my lovely readers, Let's see each other very soon? ^^