Three days after.

He was finally able to breathe on his own yesterday. But he was still asleep. I began blaming myself for everything. For not telling him I wasn't going to stay. For getting in that damn fight with him that probably wasn't needed. He was becoming a fairer tone, for his usual tanned skin tone. I wasn't sure if it was just the drugs running out of his system or if he could possibly die at any point. I could only hope. Albeit, I was slowly losing that hope.

I try to eat what and when I can, but it's never much. It's only been three days and I'm already a mess like this. He would hate to see me, tired because I haven't taken any of the meds to help me sleep, therefore, sleepless nights. Maybe thinning out a bit because of lack of eating. I'm sure I've run out of tears to cry, no matter how much I wanted to cry.

I sat beside him. His face is the same as yesterday. Tranquil and child-like. I was the only one in the room. I just began talking to him. "Youngmi's worried sick about you, Nini. Mia's worried, too, even if she's only really met you once. We're all worried for you." I watched as his chest rose and fell steadily, the monitor beeping and the IV dripping. His face remained still. A large, hard lump came up in my throat. My eyes stung. I slid my hand under his, and grasped his fingers. I was hoping he'd do the same. But there was no response. I sniffled. "I'm worried for you, Jongin." What surprised me most was that a tear made its way out of my eye. I tried to wipe it off my cheek, smiling weakly and chuckling slightly. "God, you're an , you know that? I'm such a mess because of you."

The tears didn't stop. I wiped my cheeks again, but the more I wiped them, the more tears that fell. "You're an , and a ing idiot. But I love you enough to call you both an and an idiot. That's saying something." His still face tugged at my heartstrings. It's like I was waiting for him to say I was the spawn of Satan, because I can be that evil. I was waiting for him to smile wide and kiss my lips and tell me he loves me. But he still lay there, unmoving and still. I held his hand with both of mine, my left at the tips of his fingers, my right around his palm. I brought his hand up to my lips, pressing a few soft kisses on his knuckles. "I've been thinking, Nini. About quitting my work in America, and doing it here instead. Just so I don't have to leave you. You won't be in pain, and I won't be in pain. It was hard on me too, Jongin. Not being able to hug you or kiss you everyday, or being able to tell you everything will be fine and rub your back. I wish I could've done that. And I'm so sorry." Then I lost it. My cheeks were entirely wet with my tears. I held his hand up to my forehead, calling his name and telling him to wake up.

There was no response. Just...him breathing. He probably can't even hear my cries. Not even one. He can't comfort me. He can't dry the tears off my pale cheeks. The drugs could kill him, even if they're washing out of him. But even then, that could kill him.

There's no hope. Just chance. The chance that he won't be able to make it. If he doesn't make it, he'll be in a better place. He deserves to be in that better place. He went through more pain, in the past five years that I have felt in the past year. He lived for his sister. He lived for Chanyeol and Sehun.

And he lived for me.

I stood up, slightly wobbly. I leaned down and pressed a kiss to his mouth that I was only hoping he felt. Then I put our foreheads together, keeping my hand on his face. The tears just never stopped. They fell onto his calm face. I whispered, then; "I love you so much. I've never loved anyone like I did you. You know that saying? If you love someone or something, set them free?" I hummed, smiling sadly. "I don't want you to be in pain anymore, Nini. So it's okay." I kissed his forehead gingerly and lingeringly. "You can let go if you can't do it anymore. Let go."

I knelt back down resting my head on the bed, still holding his hand. The last thing I saw was Jongin's sleeping face.

I awoke to the sound of my nickname.

"Soo?"

I opened my eyes groggily. They were sticky from crying so much. I looked up, and gasped at what I saw. Jongin's brown eyes were open.

He's awake.

a/n

oops it's short asf