"So how was school today?"

She's sitting in the living room when he gets back home, knitting something. Hanbin feels his heart drop at the question. Suspects that she knows something. That she's half a step ahead of him and he just keeps falling behind. 

He takes a moment to step out of his shoes, the twist of his stomach reminding him that that's Bobby's job. Used to be Bobby's job.

"It was alright."

He's testing the waters. Hoping that it's the right move. His life kind of depends on it. 

Her head perks up a bit but she doesn't raise her gaze. Hanbin steps inside the living room, heartbeat deafening his ears. 

"Didn't you talk to that Bobby boy? At least that's what I heard."

Her voice is steady but Hanbin still winces. He scratches the burn mark on his wrist and tries to control the tremor of his voice. 

"He tried to talk to me but I said it's over. I walked away."

She looks up then and Hanbin feels himself stumble. He thinks of Bobby and his burning fingers to calm himself down. Thinks of how they'll be together one day. Not in this life though. Not if she can help it. 

"I'm glad you told me the truth, son. I hope you'll continue doing it."

Her smile is sweet and attracts the giggling of Hanbyul from the kitchen. She runs into the room to show them her drawing. It's of Bobby and Hanbin walking her home from kindergarten. 

"I'll behave."

He runs up the stairs hoping his heartbeat wasn't loud enough to hear. The spike in it might have been a bit too telling. 

*

Hanbin pretends not to notice how everyone's looking at him when he enters the school building. Pretends not to remember the way Bobby kissed him on the football field in that rainstorm and how he forgot himself in his eyes. He wonders if he'll ever get himself back. 

"Hey, are you even listening?"

They're eating lunch again when Hanbin zones out for the hundreth time that day. It's just him and Donghyuk at the table. 

"Yeah, sorry I just.. I'm wondering where the others are."

Donghyuk gives him a half assed smile and Hanbin knows that there's something he hasn't been told. He tries his best to pry it out of his friend. Desperate times call of desperate measures. 

So he tickles him. 

"Okay, okay just--gahh Hanbin! Stop!"

Hanbin feels himself smile at the joy on Donghyuk's face. At how it feels slightly less awkward and more like them again. How he's spent months holding himself back and now he's finally daring to look further than his sneakers. He tries his best to keep the staleness away from his life. The fresh air Bobby supplied almost running out. 

"So, why aren't they here?"

Donghyuk's demeanor changes a bit, lips still quirked up but cheeks red because of something else. Hanbin wills away the nausea and the bile and keeps himself calm. 

"Umm.. I begged them to come and I think Yunhyeong might but--Hanbin I really don't want to talk about this."

He raises his hand and moves his fingers around, a sadistic grin taking over his face. Donghyuk holds back a laugh with a loud sigh. 

"Well Yunhyeong wanted to come but his teammates threatened to kick him out of the club if he's hanging out with--Well anyway Jinhwan is moping around somewhere because he isn't speaking to Junhoe and Bobby is stuck in the library studying for his physics test."

Donghyuk takes a bite from his meat and trains his gaze on anywhere else but Hanbin. Hanbin hates how it makes him feel. Hates how the pity in Donghyuk's eyes is already stuck in the pit of his stomach, rumbling every time he even thinks about eating. 

"I don't know about June himself though. I haven't talked to him ever since he said.. the things he said."

Hanbin snorts and that gets Donghyuk's full attention. 

"You know you can talk to him if you want to, right? He's just stubborn, he'll come around."

Hanbin doesn't believe his own words. He says them anyway. 

"Hanbin. Please. I'd never do that to you. Besides, I don't want to associate with June if he keeps being such an ." 

Hanbin feels his mouth quirk up a bit at that, hand falling to his lap to grab Donghyuk's fingers that are angrily gripping his thigh. He squeezes them in a silent thanks. Donghyuk grins with his mouth full. Hanbin finds himself smiling without even wanting to. 

The smile falls from his face as soon as he realizes that he's to blame for all his friends getting shunned. Hanbin throws away his food again and lets the ball of pity grow. 

*

He awakes to Hanbyuls' quiet knocks and checks the clock. It's 8 pm. That means only one thing. 

"Hanbinnie! Jeongyeon is here!" 

She's bouncing on her heels and Hanbin has a hard time letting her go after scooping her up. He tells her he might take her out tomorrow and Hanbyul giggles, throwing her head back in joy. 

Hanbin thinks of how it'd be if it was just the three of them. If he could take her out for pancakes every morning, meeting up with Bobby and kissing him on the lips in front of everyone. If Bobby would like that, if he'd be okay with raising her. If they'd be good parents. 

Hanbin feels himself startle and is brought back by Hanbyul's big smile.

"You're all red Hanbinnie. Don't worry I won't tell what you were thinking about."

She zips up and runs away, Hanbin a bit bewildered by what just happened. Wondering if he might've said it all out loud. 

"Hi, I hope I'm not too early?"

And then he raises his head to meet her gaze. The ball of pity in his stomach grows to a halt. 

* 

Jeongyeon doesn't look at him like he thought she would. Her eyes have no pity in them, no hurt, no jealousy. Just pure joy for him, for the love he's feeling and sadness for the abrupt ending of it all. 

Hanbin wants to tell her something, anything, but his throat closes up every time he even tries to squeak. 

"So..I think we're done for tonight. Is it okay if you-"

Hanbin squirms in his seat, staring pointedly at the living room. At the chair she's sitting in, pretending not to listen in. 

Jeongyeon clears , putting a strand of hair behind her ear. Hanbin wills away the shake of his shoulders and his head. He needs to do this properly.

"Do you want me to send you home? I'd love that."

He smiles at her, eyes darting over to where she's sitting. His thoughts, the knot in his stomach, get cut off when Jeongyeon raises from her seat. 

She's by the door when Hanbin finally responds, getting up as well and putting on his shoes. There's the ticking of that old clock again and somehow Hanbin can feel it even in the back of his skull. Tick tock. 

"Oh Jeongyeon, leaving already?"

She's there in a second, pretending like she didn't just listen in on everything they said. Thankfully there wasn't much. 

"Yeah, Hanbin is sending me home. Is that okay?"

Jeongyeon smiles but it doesn't look genuine. His mother smiles back. That somehow does. 

"Of course, don't be out too late!"

And as they step through the door Hanbin can hear her mutter young love. He feels like throwing up again. There's no point to it though, his dreams already in a puddle of ramen and rain in front of the school building. He can't stop the shiver that runs through him. 

*

"So..."

Her steps are quieter than Bobby's, her hips never brushing his. Hanbin keeps in a long sigh. 

"So."

It isn't raining but it still feels cold. Hanbin wonders if it'll snow instead and thinks that it'd fit with his insides. With the way his heart rushes ice through his body whenever it beats. 

"I heard about what happened. Well I mean I saw."

She looks at him, bangs falling into her eyes and Hanbin releases the sigh. 

"I thought so. Jeongyeon...I--I didn't want you to find out like this. I wanted to tell you eye to eye but it was out of my hands as soon as the pictures leaked."

She looks at him then and Hanbin can see a trace of pity. He swallows hard to make the hot prickle of tears fade away. It doesn't really work. 

"I heard some guys from the football team took them. They saw Bobby run from your house the other day and well Nayeon had already done the damage with her rumors. And the kiss-"

Hanbins' snort cuts her short. 

"Yeah, and I made the stupid mistake of kissing him on school property. None of this would've happened if I could just keep my hands off of him. But I bet you of all people would know how hard that can be at times."

Jeongyeon seems a bit hurt by his harsh tone. Hanbin takes the moment to wipe his hand over his face, over his eyes particularly, and gently grip her elbow. 

"Sorry."

Jeongyeon looks at him again before grabbing his hand between hers. His fingers still feel like falling off. 

"It's none of your fault Hanbin. You should be able to kiss your loved one without anyone making a big deal out of it. I'm sorry Nayeon was such a snake to you. Actually she's.. she's..sorry too."

Hanbin raises his brow. He wonders if she has any idea how the ice running through his veins hurts. How every time his heart beats it misses the warmth of Bobby's. It wants to beat next to him. 

"Yeah, I know it's kind of a surprise but she didn't expect it all to be true. And she didn't expect her rumors to have an effect on people. She thought no one would take her seriously. And I'm not defending her or anything but just.. know that she didn't mean for it to be this way."

Hanbin wants to tell her that he didn't either. It was supposed to be easy. He was supposed to get through this year by studying and keeping away from everyone. But then he heard that groan and-

"By the way, I always knew."

Hanbin gets caught off guard and he stumbles a bit, Jeongyeon trying her best to hold back a giggle. The air feels a bit lighter around them then. 

"I knew that you knew."

Hanbin laughs at his sentence and so does she. They fall into a comfortable silence before Jeongyeon speaks up again. 

"I can cover for you if you want. Tell your mother I'm dating you again or something."

Hanbin rolls the thought around in his head. It feels like a snowball. Like everything is suddenly snowballing out of control. 

"I..I don't know If I need it anymore."

They're almost at her house when she furrows her brow and Hanbin hates that he needs to speak about this. He doesn't want to elaborate on his thoughts anymore. Doesn't want people to convince him that he should fight. He doesn't have anymore of it left in his body. He's too tired. All he wants is to lay between Bobby's arms and rest. And maybe never even wake up. 

"I don't think it's good for us to risk like that. She's...she's--" He takes a moment to swallow and blink away the tears that are about to fall. "--I don't want people to suffer because of me. I don't want Bobby to be unhappy. I want him to thrive with his football squad, I want him to be able to talk to anyone because he's that kind of a person. He needs people around him. And I've taken them all away."

Jeongyeon puts her hands on his shoulders, startling him out of his thoughts. 

"Hanbin, Bobby will only be unhappy if you're not with him. He doesn't care about other people, never has, never will. He cares about you. Please don't leave him now. Stick around, see what happens but don't leave him."

Hanbin feels the tears start to fall so he turns away, tries to keep them in. He starts to sob anyway, lets go of the weight on his shoulders for just a bit. Feels his face heat up with anger and confusion and hurt. 

Jeongyeon hugs him before he can turn around. Puts her tiny hands around his waist and tells him it's alright. He cries until the tears overtake his voice. 

Her words are stuck in his mind until he falls asleep and so is the scent of musk on his pillow. 

*

'so why have u been ignorin me'

It's Sunday night and Hanbin is waiting for a text from Jinhwan. He thinks they might finish the play tonight. 

He doesn't expect Bobby to talk to him at all. A part of him hoping he'd accomplished pushing him away and a part of him cheering because it's him.

'I'm not.X'

It's a matter of seconds before Bobby responds. 

'yes u are :('

Hanbin feels himself chew on his pen, the play forgotten on his lap. 

'You have a physics test. I'm giving you space.X'

A minute passes before he gets a response and this time Hanbin can't help but succumb to the fireworks in his stomach. 

'yea but that doesnt mean i dont wanna talk to u. i miss u, stupid. see?' 

There's a picture of him attached. On his bed, pouting. Wearing that stupid reindeer sweater that makes him look too cute for his own good. Hanbin wants to kiss him so badly it hurts. 

'I see.X' 

He doesn't know what else to say. Doesn't know how to stop himself from blowing his cover. 

'hanbinnnnieeee stop :( its gon b okay, ok? love u' 

Hanbin closes his screen and doesn't intend on answering. He opens it again when it's 1 am and he's stuck in bed, pillows reeking of Bobby and lips bitten raw from how much he wants to say it back. How much he wants to kiss him and prove that he means it. 

'Love you too.X'

*

"So I thought you weren't going to sit with us anymore? The football team threatening to kick you out and everything?"

Hanbin's finally eating his soup. It's bland and not even hot anymore but somehow he's got his appetite back. Go figure. 

"Yeah well I told them they can't kick me out cause I've scored 7 goals this season and most of them haven't done ."

Yunhyeong's smiling back at him, big and bright and Hanbin finds it to be contagious. 

Donghyuk's making his way to the table with a contrasting frown and Hanbins' stomach falls immediately.

"What's up?"

Donghyuk chews on his glasses and looks at both of them nervously before opening his mouth and then closing it again. 

"Come on, what happened?"

Yunhyeong's smoothie is back and Hanbin feels his lips tug up a bit at that, wonders if things will fall back into place and everything will be okay again. 

"The drama club are uhh.. acting weird with me."

Hanbin knows where this is going and he sighs because a normal lunch break will never happen for them. Especially considering the dozens of eyes still staring through the windows. He can see the word 'freak' on their lips even from miles away. 

"What, why?"

Jinhwan's arriving then and Hanbin can sense he's trying to force a smile on his face. Can sense the sorrow coming off of him in waves. He winces and looks away. 

"Because uhh.. well because of everything that happened."

Donghyuk makes a point of not looking at him and Hanbin is grateful. The pity is rumbling in his stomach and he wonders why he lost his appetite. 

"Why is everyone in this school literal s? Is being Junhoe a trend now?"

Jinhwan bites into his apple, words bitter. Hanbin wonders if they poisoned the apple he's eating too. 

"You don't have to hang around with me. I mean they'll leave you alone if--"

Donghyuks' hand lands on his mouth and Yunhyeong lets out a huge snort, smoothie coming out his nostrils. Jinhwan makes a point of sitting further away from while making noises of disgust. 

"Don't you ever say that again. We talked about this already, I'm not leaving my best friend with the vultures. No way."

Hanbin feels himself smile under his palm and Donghyuk smiles back. Yunhyeong coos at them before a piece of meat is thrown his way. 

Hanbin finishes his soup. 

*

Hanbin finds himself sitting on Jinhwans couch that night, contemplating on whether or not he should fight. 

"Wow, did we actually finish this or am I dreaming?"

Jinhwan's drinking his cocoa with a surprised smirk on his face, a line of foam on his lip. Hanbin wonders if Junhoe ever realized how much it bothered him and why it did so. 

"We did. We actually did. I guess now I don't have to come over anymore. You're free!"

Hanbin tries to joke, his voice sounding a bit too miserable for it to sound like one. 

"I'm still gonna force you to come over. Who else will make you delicious cocoa and hear you whine?"

Hanbin actually does laugh this time and that makes Jinhwan's eyes crinkle up as well. The bags under them stay put. 

"Alright. I'll come around. If my mother allows it."

Jinhwan doesn't look at him then, deciding to take a sip of his drink instead. 

"How are things with her?"

Hanbin shrugs his shoulders, not really sure on what he should and shouldn't tell. 

"I don't know. She's cold as usual. I guess she's calmed down a bit but I'm pretty sure when I make a wrong move all hell will break loose."

Jinhwan tries to snort but it gets stuck in his throat. Hanbins' does as well. 

"But how about you and Bob?"

Hanbin shurgs his shoulders again, deciding to avoid the question with another question. 

"How about you and Bob? Have you talked about any of this yet?"

Jinhwan squints his eyes at him, muttering something under his breath. Hanbin's pretty sure it's a curse word and holds back his laughter. 

"He did try and talk to me the other day but I was upset about..stuff and kind of ignored him. Now I feel crappy about it. He needs me as much as you do."

Hanbin agrees on that, knows that Bobby needs his best friend right now and especially since he's been ignoring him even harder than Jinhwan has. 

"I'll try and talk to him though, don't worry."

Jinhwan continues when Hanbin has a hard time finding words to explain how he's been avoiding his boyfriend for days now. Maybe even a week. He pushes the thought away and feels the ticking in the back of his head again. Tick tock. 

"Did you talk to Junhoe?"

He looks up from his lap, only to face Jinhwan's bitter smile. They haven't discussed it yet. The obvious crush Jinhwan has on him. The obvious denial Junhoe's in. Hanbin thinks they have enough time in the world to do it though. A lifetime filled with pity parties. He sighs. 

"Not yet. I don't want to either." Jinhwan takes a sip before letting out a loud giggle. Hanbin quirks his brow. "Even Yunhyeong is ignoring him. Serves him right."

Hanbin laughs along and wonders when the pity parties will turn into wedding parties. Into happy endings. 

Tick tock. 

*

"So, are you done ignoring me now?"

He's in the library trying to find Bobby but being found by him instead.

"I wasn't--"

Bobby steps closer, looking out for anyone that might see them. That might take more pictures that they can't risk having. 

"Hanbin, stop lying. You're ignoring me and I want to know why."

He fidgets with his sleeves and wonders if Bobby can tell how desperate he is to touch him, to feel him under his fingertips. To smell him. To smell like him. 

"Gahh, Hanbinnie stop staring at me like that and tell me what's wrong."

Bobby takes a step further and grabs his face in his hands. Hanbin's willpower crumbles and he lets himself nuzzle into the touch. Lets himself sigh again and feel the butterflies in his stomach lift him up, bit by bit. Back into that safe space, into those arms he calls home. 

"My mom told me someone saw us together at school so I tried to keep away. That's all."

Bobby's eyes are aflame by the spark that's still in them and Hanbin feels like burning up along with it. 

"Yeah, but you can still text me. You haven't even done that."

Hanbin feels guilt deep in his gut and looks away, Bobby's eyes too earnest. Not enough but too much all at the same time. 

"Fine. I just.. I thought I could keep away from you but I can't. You caught me. I really really can't."

Bobby smiles at that, the look a bit foreign on his face now and Hanbin feels the guilt swallow the butterflies. 

"Stupid. You're so stupid. God, I love you."

Bobby's bunny teeth appear all of a sudden and Hanbin looks around to see if anyone's there. A girl in the back with a book in her hands and the librarian. He leans forward without second thought. 

"Yeah, I'm stupid. Stupidly in love with you."

Bobby's ready to murder him for the cheesy joke but Hanbin murders him with his lips instead. 

Bobby tastes like home and Hanbin enjoys it a little bit too much. Lets himself melt into a gooey mess in front of him because that's how Bobby makes him feel. Messy and unorganized and nothing like himself. Yet, no, he's more himself now than he's ever been. He wonders if he ever really even existed before Bobby came along. He thinks not. 

*

It's a Wednesday night when Bobby texts him something he was definitely not ready for. 

'lets run away together. u n me. lets just go.' 

Hanbin takes a moment to fall back onto his bed and listen for footsteps that might enter his room. He opens the text again and doesn't really understand what Bobby means. It can't be what he thinks it is. It just can't. 

'What??X'

A few seconds pass before he gets another one and this time Hanbins' whole body seizes up. 

'lets. run. away. together. there's a train leaving for daegu on saturday. lets just go.' 

Hanbin feels his heart beating out of his chest and he wonders if it's the coffee he made or if it's the deadly realization that Bobby is serious. This is serious. 

'I can't. We can't. What about school? Hanbyul?X'

The next minute is too nerve wracking to bare. Hanbin grabs his pillow, the fading musk almost knocking him unconscious. 

'we'll figure it out. its now or never hanbinnie. pls?' 

He doesn't answer Bobby's text, heaving out the bigger part of his dinner first. Fight or flight? 

'...Ok.'

Flight. 

**********************

umm my inital plan was actually to have hanbin mope around in self pity and ignore everyone but then i got a huge writers block n i was like why?? n then i realised its kinda ooc now since the chapter 1 hanbin woudlve done that but now hes in love and loved back and.. chapter 24 (holy ) hanbin couldnt do that. 

hope this isnt too messy???? idk im kinda happy because ive been trying to write this chapter for days now and finally i got it out!! woohoo