Donghyuk ushers him away from the building, hand on his back as Hanbin retches out the dread that's been kneading its way through him. 

"Where--where did this come from?"

He feels dizzy, hands stuck on his knees as he stares down at his food. He wants to laugh at how familiar all of this is and how he should've been ready for it. But that's the thing. He should've but he knows he never could have. 

"I don't know Hanbin. I got this text about fifteen minutes ago and it's spread all over school."

Donghyuk's voice is brittle and thin as if he was the one to throw up all his dreams. 

He stands up then, steps closer to Donghyuk and sees the pity in his eyes. Hates how it makes him feel smaller and weaker than the leaked pictures. Than the truth that's finally out. 

"Can I see  them again?"

Donghyuk gives him a questioning stare. 

"Do you really wan-" Hanbin nods before he can continue. Wants to tell him how looking at them one more time isn't painful. It isn't pleasant either. It's bittersweet. 

The pictures are from yesterday and Hanbin feels himself smile without wanting to. Knows that he's staring at the last pieces of his happiness. At the last time he could ever feel at home again. 

"I kissed him."

Donghyuk's by his side in a second, taking the phone away and storing it in his pocket. 

"Don't blame yourself Hanbin. These people are nosy and disgusting, none of this is your fault."

Hanbin nods and thinks maybe it is true. After all he's kissed Bobby numerous times. On the field, in the locker rooms. In the library for god's sake. 

But it isn't. Because if he hadn't fallen in love with him in the first place, none of this would've happened. None of them would have to suffer. 

* 

He's walking to class feeling like absolute crap. Knowing that the dread will eventually seep into his bones and never ever leave.

The guys and girls keep staring and Hanbin can't help but look at his sneakers again. Try and find some comfort in knowing that at least it's over with now. That he won't have to go through it again after this. 

He's near his class when the whispers become louder. He's ready to turn around to a punch but it's Bobby instead. Grabbing his elbow, looking terrified.

There are questions in his gaze but more of them arise as they make their way through the crowded hallways, everyones stares following their synced steps. Bobby's hand never leaves his elbow. 

*

Hanbin's ready to speak when Bobby turns around, making every thought disappear from his head. He stares at him like he's something precious. Like this time he's his mothers' china and Hanbin feels himself shiver at the thought. At how he feels protected. Loved. 

"You saw them didn't you?"

Bobby's scratching his nape, trying to look a little less terrified than he is. Trying to look intimidating even though he's far from it. 

"Yeah."

Hanbin hears the shakiness in his voice and hopes that no one enters. Knows that someone's out there listening, trying to make sure that they're together. That they're foolishly in love. 

Bobby sighs as he stands closer to him, smooths out his shirt and then his own. Hanbin feels his breath stutter at their proximity. At the way Bobby still cares. 

"Listen I... I've never been through this and I really don't want to either but--the point is I'm not giving up Hanbin. You told me yesterday that you're willing to try and so am I. I just..I won't let them take you away from me."

Hanbin wants to snort, wants to laugh and bring Bobby back from his cloud. Wants to tell him that no matter how hard they try it'll always end up hurting them. That it isn't worth it. 

But looking into Bobby's eyes makes it so much harder. Makes it harder for him to lie. To breathe. 

"Hanbin?"

He feels the corners of his mouth tug up and he wills himself one last smile. 

"Yeah. Lets try."

And one last lie. 

*

Hanbin's playing with his jacket sleeves, weather cold enough, especially now that it's almost Christmas time. He wonders when it'll stop raining. 

Donghyuk's talking about some drama club thing, trying to take his mind off of everything. Off of the dozens of eyes staring at them from the inside of the building. 
Hanbin sighs just as Junhoe steps closer. Hanbin doesn't look up at him. Embarrassed that they never told him. Worried of what he'll see there. 

And he should be when Junhoe clears his throat with a question that makes his ears ring from fear. 

"What the Hanbin?"

He doesn't look up, fingers fidgeting with his sleeve, hoping that Bobby'll be there soon. Foolishly thinking that everything will be okay once he's there.  Once he's made Junhoe see how much they love each other. And how much it hurts. 

"Calm down Junhoe."

Donghyuk's voice is just as thin as it was earlier that morning but there's a bit of anger behind it. A lot of anger behind it. 

"Why didn't you tell us you're a-a-"

Hanbin feels his fists clench as tight as his stomach does. Bile rises up in his throat again even without him having eaten anything since this morning. Since they found out. 

"A what Junhoe?"

And then Jinhwan's there, Yunhyeong by his side with eyes wide as saucers. Hanbin wants the ground  to swallow him hole. 

"You know what he is."

Junhoe's voice sounds venomous, his words filled with spite. Hanbin wonders why he hoped for the best in the first place. 

"A ? A gay? A homoual?" Jinhwan's eyes are ice cold and his words are clear. Yunhyeong's smoothie stays as put as Donghyuks' notes. The wind whistles between the both of them and Hanbin wonders if Junhoe knows why he feels like this. Why he's so scared. Terrified even. 

"Or a guy who likes guys? A guy who's in love with another guy? A guy who was perfectly happy minding his own business with his lover until everyone decided to into it?" Jinhwan sits down, looking calm and collected. Hanbin can still see the way the chopsticks shake between his fingers. 

There's silence for a moment as Yunhyeong gulps and Donghyuk squeezes Hanbins' hand hard enough to hurt. 

"So what do you prefer?" 

Jinhwan looks up at him again as Junhoe breathes in hard and heavy. Hanbin feels himself jolt at the way it reminds him of all of them. 

"I-"

Jinhwan stops him again, stare as ruthless as his next words. 

"But what do you want us to call you then? I mean if Hanbin and Bobby get to have a cute nickname like '' or--ooh 'freak', then what do we call you?"

Junhoe's fuming by now as he glares over Jinhwans' tiny frame. Hanbin finds that Jinhwan doesn't remind him of his mother anymore. He reminds him of himself if he were braver. 

"What about June? Oh no that's too simple, hmm-" Jinhwan looks more theatrical and angry than he ever has before and Hanbin would give him an Oscar on the spot "-maybe..guy with anger issues? Guy who hates his friends? Ignorant ? Traito-"

Junhoe's finally had enough as he grabs his tray and glares angrily at all of them. Especially at him. Hanbin feels his arms shake hard enough to drop his fork. If he even had one. 

"This is why I stopped talking to you. This is why I never want to talk to you again."

Junhoe stares Jinhwan right in the eyes as he says it and Hanbin sees the spark in Jinhwans' disappear as well. Sees him close off before anyone can say a word to save him. 

Sees how Junhoe has always asked for inches and Jinhwan keeps falling all over himself to give him miles. 

*

When Bobby doesn't show up to lunch at all, Hanbin gets worried. Worried that Bobby saw through him. Knew that he didn't believe in making it work.  

So he goes searching for him. 

The hallways are quiet as he makes his way to the bathrooms. Then to the library. And then to the locker rooms. 

He feels his heart jump at the sounds coming from inside. Feels his legs shake underneath him like the first time he heard that moan. Yet this is different. Uncomfortably different. And Hanbin knows why. 

"Bobby..? Are you-"

He hears him in the corner before he even sees him. When he does, it takes the very best of him not to scream out in horror or go running out of there to pound everyone who's ever looked at them strangely. 

Bobby's hunched down on the floor, nose bleeding as his eye keeps swelling up. Hanbin feels himself fall to his knees before it even registers. 

"What--what happened I-"

Bobby's wincing at the sound of his voice and especially at the way his hand's on his chest. 

"Sorry."

He's sorry about leaning on him. Sorry about touching him. Sorry about hurting him with his presence in his life. Sorry that they ever even met. 

"It's okay. I'm-I'm fine. Are you okay though?"

Bobby's staring up at him, through his swollen eye and Hanbin feels his stomach clench again. Feels the dread in his veins already. 

"I'm fine Bobby, god, you're the one I'm worried about."

He snorts as Hanbin grabs his hands and tries to get him up. Bobby winces and Hanbin feels like crying more than ever before. 

"It was nothing. Don't worry about it, okay? It wasn't even about us I-"

Hanbin snorts, gently helping him down on the bench. Bobby looks up at him and he lowers his gaze immediately. Doesn't want him to see the guilt that's pouring out of every pore on his body. 

"I'm not an idiot Bob. Who did this? The guys on the team? Junhoe?"

Bobby's head darts up at the last name and Hanbin feels even worse. Bobby pulls him down next to him before Hanbin can start cleaning his wounds. 

"What do you mean Junhoe? Did he say anything? Hanbin please tell me he didn't."

Hanbin wants to lie again. Wants to but can't. It isn't his second nature anymore. Hasn't been ever since he gave himself to Bobby. 

"He was acting strange at lunch again. Nothing too bad."

He's lost Bobby though. He's lost every sense of security he ever had so Hanbin tries to fall back into his second nature. Pick the pieces of himself up and glue them together enough so it'd look okay. So he'd function. 

"You don't have to lie to me you know."

Hanbin avoids his gaze as he stands up and tries getting something helpful out of the first aid kit. He knows he doesn't have to lie but needs to anyway. 

When he turns around Bobby's already looking at him. He still has the spark and Hanbin feels himself fall even further down the rabbit hole than he'd ever wanted to. 

He stands in front of him then, awaits for Bobby to say it. To say that he loves him and everything will be okay. 

Instead Bobby's face lands on his stomach, hands pulling him closer by the hips as the blood starts drying on his skin and on Hanbins' shirt. 

 It's quiet as Bobby takes in a deep breath, pulls him in even closer and sighs. Hanbin doesn't need to ask why, doesn't need to do anything but let his hands fall into his hair, fingers burying themselves in the tangles and smoothing out his pain. 

"I really wish we could've worked out." 

He hears himself say it before he can stop. Bobby nuzzles his nose against his hipbone then as Hanbin hears a hiccup, a shuddering breath. Knows that it's time for him to lean down and as soon as he does he's met with grabby hands and burning fingers. And tears on his neck falling down like raindrops.

He'll never stop chasing them. 

* 

"It hurts, you ."

Bobby's wincing harder than before as Hanbin cleans his eye with some antiseptic, that he's had to use countless of times before. He doesn't share that fact with Bobby.

"I know it does, you crybaby. Just try to relax, okay?"

Bobby looks tired and Hanbin knows exactly where that kind of tiredness comes from. Has felt it all his life. 

"What do I get out of it?"

Bobby tries winking but squirms in pain instead, Hanbin's hand on his back trying to soothe him through it. 

"Umm.. a clean face?" Bobby pouts at that, as best as he can, so Hanbin ups the stakes. "And maybe a kiss. Or two."

That makes him smile widely and Hanbin realises it's been a whole day since he's seen it. It already feels like an eternity. 

"Deal."

Hanbin feels Bobby's goofy smile warm up his whole body and he decides he'll give him five of them. Or five hundred. 

And as Bobby tells him about the guys on the team, about his coach not coming in as he heard the shuffling, heard his cries for help, he wonders if he could give him a whole lifetime worth of kisses in just an hour, because he's scared that's all they'll have. 

So he lunges forward when Bobby's smile turns into a frown and tries savoring the feel of his dimples with his fingertips. Tries savoring the warmth in his gut and the hope that's so eager to slip away. 

Because Bobby's the only person he'll ever want  need like this. 

Like the moon needs the stars, Hanbin needs his sun. 

*

Hanbin is thankful that it's Donghyuk he sees while he's leaving school. 

"Where's Bobby?"

Hanbin feels himself laugh. It sounds as bitter as he feels. 

"At home. Healing his wounds."

Donghyuk looks at him worriedly and Hanbin finally elaborates. 

"He got beaten up because of us."

He swallows the lump in his throat and tries not to look at Donghyuk. Tries not to see the pity in his eyes that's always there. 

"What? Is he--Is he okay?"

They're passing by the park and Hanbin remembers the first time he saw Bobby and Jeongyeon there from the car. The first time he realised Bobby isn't like the rest of them. That he's just as much of a fool as he is. 

"He says he's fine but.. I guess we'll see tomorrow."

He feels his fingers itch and wonders when he started to miss holding Bobby's hand. The way their fingers fit perfectly between each other and how no one elses ever will. 

"So..what really happened while you were away?"

Donghyuk doesn't look at him when he asks it and Hanbin finds himself staring at the sky for strength. Spotting the constellation he's been apart of all along.

"My mom found out and It's... It's not good."

He remembers all the times they walked on this road, hips brushing by the closeness of their bodies. Remembers how Bobby looks like an autumn sunset when his cheeks flush and how right now he's an autumn sunset for completely different reasons. 

"I thought so. I mean, you have a new number and you haven't posted in our group chat at all. Or well, you never really have."

They laugh and it feels better for a second. Feels like talking about it might actually shift some weight off his shoulders. Like the butterflies in his stomach will lift him up instead of weigh him down. 

"So what's going to happen next?"

They're almost by his house and Hanbin remembers when Bobby wiped milk off of his lip there. How he felt something shift and knew it was never going to go back. No matter how hard he tried. 

"I don't know. I.. Donghyuk can I be honest with you?"

The other looks at him and nods, eyes sparkling and Hanbin wishes his did too. 

"I wish I never came here. I wish I never met you guys, I wish I never.. I wish I never fell in love. I just... I'm happy. I'm finally ing happy and I realised I've never been Donghyuk. I've never been happy in my whole entire life and it's so hard to let go of this feeling. To know that I'll lose it all. So I just..I wish I could go back to how it was but I-I never can."

He stops for a second, realising he's on the verge of tears but continuing on. Donghyuk stays quiet throughout all of it. Hanbin can't thank him enough. 

"I can never go back to how it was because I.. didn't know what it was to feel loved back then. I didn't know what it meant to have friends. I didn't know that you could actually lose your breath because of the way someone looks at you. I didn't know, I really didn't know and sometimes I wish someone had told me, so I could've kept away."

Hanbin feels his arms shake for the thousandth time that day as he looks to Donghyuk, scared of what he'll say. Scared of what his best friend might think of him. 

"Hanbin, life doesn't come with a warning sign because othewise you wouldn't let it happen. And trust me, I'm really glad you did. I know we'll get through this."

He grabs his hand with a smile and Hanbin takes in a shaky breath, holds himself together enough so he'd hear his next words. 

"Just know that I'm really really happy that I met you. And I wish that It'd have happened sooner." 

Hanbin really hugs him for the first time that night and doesn't intend on ever letting go. 

*

He sees Bobby waiting for him by the gates the next day and Hanbin wonders if he's been waiting for him for long. If he's willing to wait for him forever. 

"God, you look awful."

Bobby snorts, grabbing his side when the movement hurts. Hanbin puts his hand over his, fingertips hovering over the spots he knows are bruised the most. 

"Can I?"

Bobby looks away from him then, probably at the hoards of people who always stare. He nods his head as Hanbin lets himself explore, lets himself know that he's the one to cause this. He's the one who let himself be happy and dragged everyone else down alongside with him. 

Bobby flinches yet again and Hanbin wants to apologize with his kisses but knows he can't. 

"Why didn't you stay home? Bobby, this is really bad. You need to heal."

He gets a pointed look, Bobby weaving their fingers together and the look turning a bit more playful. 

"Because, how else will I get you to spoon feed me? Oh and piggy back rides are also very welcome."

Hanbin laughs loudly, hears a few startled coughs but doesn't really care. 

"I'll never spoon feed you. Okay, only if we're eighty and arthritis has taken the better of you."

Bobby punches him lightly before stepping forward and wrapping his arms around him. Hanbin stiffens immediately but gets lost in his eyes anyway. 

"So you want to be with me even when I'm eighty and have no teeth? And insist on getting a new dog?" 

Hanbin feels his heart lurch at the mention of dogs and everything he's ever wanted to have with him. That everything including arthritis and brittle bones. 

"Yes. Only it's a cat not a dog."

Bobby laughs, head falling on his shoulder and face burrowing into his neck, making Hanbin feel it vibrate through him. Feel it deep underneath his skin and in his bones. Trying to vanish the dread that's been there for weeks now. 

He lowers his head without thinking much about it. Stares into Bobby's swollen eye wondering if he's worth it. And he knows he is the minute their lips touch. The minute he hears the shocked gasps and the giggles and the angry breaths, all of them warping into nothing as his head's filled with the smell and sound of Bobby. As his head's filled with sunlight and not the rain. 

*

"Hanbin?"

He's staring at his sneakers, squirming in his seat out of nervousness when Bobby arrives making them both light up. 

"What are you doing here?"

Bobby's by him in seconds, pushing Hanbin back into his seat as his fingers grab his thigh hungrily. Hanbin has missed the touch as much as Bobby's probably missed doing it. 

"I don't know. I got called in. I thought it was something to do with my grades or mom."

He hasn't really spoken to the principal since he got here and now he's worried. Especially when they're both called inside at the same time. And especially when he sees the look on her face. 

He wishes that he never came. 

* 

"Mr. Kim and Mr.." She checks her document before turning her gaze back to Bobby. "And Mr. Kim. Do you have any idea why you're here today?"

Hanbin does but he keeps quiet. Bobby shrugs his shoulders as the principal stares at his swollen eye. And at the way their fingers brush. 

Hanbin tries to pull his arm away but they're like magnets. There's nothing he can do about it. 

"Well.. I heard some interesting rumors a few days back. It is none of my business what you do outside of school but I got some very disturbing information this morning."

Hanbin turns to stare at Bobby and wonders if he has any idea what's to come. If he's willing to bury his hope or not. 

"A few students came in and told us that..that you had been kissing in front of the school. As you know we have a reputation to hold and I just wanted to make sure that you know what the rules are."

Hanbin wants to laugh at how forced it all sounds. Wants to laugh at how she said 'kissing' and how she looked at them while doing it. 

"But everybody kisses around school? Not even outside but inside, in classrooms, at the cafeteria.. Everywhere. I don't think it's fair that you're singling us out."

Bobby's voice is steady but Hanbin can tell he's nervous. Can tell that he himself is, by the jitter of his leg. Can tell that he might not come to school tomorrow at all. 

"I'm not singling you out Mr. Kim. I just want you to know that kissing on school property isn't appropriate. I do however, think that it's better for you and for the faculty and students, if you could keep your relationship between yourselves. I'm terribly sorry to say but most of the students here don't feel at ease learning alongside hom--" She smiles politely at them and clears . "You understand what I am saying, right?" 

Hanbin nods and so does Bobby. 

"Okay good. I hope that you'll follow my guidelines and stay in our school long enough to graduate."

She sends them off and Hanbin knows that the only thing that's keeping him from falling apart is Bobby. And he also knows it's time to let go.

********* 

Okay okay okay I know this is short and emo and weird im sorry!!! i listened to sufjan stevens and im actually kinda depressed right now and i have loads of ideas for this fic but I cant seem to get back into long chapters yet (sorry!!)) but i do hope the next chapter will be long enough but also its going to be even more emo so please prepare!!! <3 oh and sorry june is an , he'll get better.