18/9/15-Old napkin

            I just found out that I’m not much of a tailor or seamstress. Making these pillows for Jimin, Taehyung and little Jungkookie is tough. Those instructions on Pinterest make them look so easy though. I have a good mind to find the person who posted the instructions and just slap them with the pillow.

            Tonight Chanyeol is not in. He went to Perth for a meeting and Baekhyun followed him. I insisted that the both of them go and leave me behind to take care of the kids because honestly the two of them look so frazzled and stressed. Hopefully this trip to Perth would rejuvenate them.

            I didn’t tell the kids when I handed in my resignation letter after 2 weeks of being a nanny. I didn’t expect to get so attached to them, and I just couldn’t bear to break their hearts. Sehun and I have to leave in a few days so we cannot waste any more time. The kids are up in bed while I sat on the front porch, trying to sew the ing zip on.

            “You seem to be a very homely person.” Sehun quipped as he bounced up the front stairs. This is the first time Sehun has come to see me in my work home (in Australia that is) and I had begged him to at least shower beforehand because if paint was found on Chanyeol and Baekhyun’s imported wooden floors I would never forgive myself. Plus, I would get a pay cut.

            “I am not. I hate sewing.” I groaned. “I can’t believe I’m doing this.”

            “It was your idea to cut up your sweater to make pillows for the children.”

            “I wanted to leave them something.” I sighed. “It sure sounded like a good idea at the time.”

            “Are you gonna give up?”

            “Hell no. Who do you think I am?”

            “The same person who gave up washing the bathroom this morning.”

            “Well excuse me but did you see that TOILET BOWL?” I scowled and he laughed at me. “That is disgusting and you’re the one who can’t control your pee with you shooting everywhere.”

            “I’m sorry sweetie.”

            “Don’t you sweetie me.” I glared at him. “I’m upset now.”

            “I’m sorry Luhan.” He moved closer and kissed my cheek. “You’re the best. Thank you for putting up with me.”

            “You owe me big time.”

            “If you want I can help you with your pillow.”

            “No thank you. I want to do this myself.”

            “Okay.” He nodded. “It’s just really sweet that you are going through all of this for them.”

            “They are really adorable children you know.” I smiled.

            “Are you sad that you’re leaving them?”

            “A little.” I sighed. “I don’t know how I’m going to be able to look at them when I leave.”

            “Yeah. Children do this you know.” Sehun agreed. “They put on those big eyes and whine a little and your whole world falls apart.”

            “Takes one to know one.” I teased.

            “Hey, this ‘kid’ here is not afraid to pick you up and throw you in the bush.”

            “Like you would even do such a thing.”

            “Are you testing me?”

            “Touch me and no for a week.”

            “Fine.” Sehun kept his arms at his sides while I accidentally prick my finger. Luckily no one noticed.

            “Sehun?”

            “Yeah?”

            “Do you want to have kids in the future?”

            “I do.” He said. “I’m not sure how long I will be able to live to see it happen.”

            “What if we made one now?”

            “Now? You mean like baking a cake now or…”

            “No I mean…you know…we could always adopt or something.”

            “Luhan just getting the adoption papers is hard work and basic law states that the family should have a stable income and a home to provide the child. We can’t do that.”

            “Okay how about a puppy?”

            “Bringing him on planes will be tough.”

            “How about a plant? We could name him Jeff and just carry him with us wherever we go.”

            “What’s this sudden obsession about wanting children Luhan?” he asked. “Is it because you’re leaving the Park children?”

            “It’s just…” I wasn’t quite sure how to explain. “I just want something that we could both leave behind. If I had a child at least every time I look at him or her I would remember you. I want a piece of you before you leave me.”

            “And I want to take a piece of you when I go.” Sehun pulled me close.

            “You have my heart.”

            “And you have mine too.” He pulled my hand to put on his chest. “I wish I could have children with you too.”

            “We can never have a normal relationship can we?”

            “Yeah.” He looked at me sadly. “Is that bad?”

            “No,” I shook my head and kissed him. “We’re just different that’s all.”

            I lied. I am sad. I’m sad that we can’t get married and have children. I’m sad that our relationship has a timer that’s ticking away and a bomb waiting to explode. I’m terrified that one day, all this will be a memory and we can never do it again. I am sick to my stomach thinking about it.

            But I continue to lie anyways. I’m pretty good at that. Sometimes I think Sehun knows I’m lying, but he just plays along. It seems like we’re also sorta lying to each other.

            I look at Sehun and I wonder what’s going through his mind. He said that his mind is a series of complex mazes and puzzles, that no one can understand him except himself. “You can never fully understand a person.” He once told me. “They may always have secrets and mysteries that will never be solved.”

            Somehow I don’t feel that way with him. When you just told someone your life is ending, what other great secret can you afford to keep?

24/9/15-Back of an envelope

            Sehun seems to be getting thinner and thinner. Ever since we arrived in California it’s like all this sun illuminated his skinny figure. I hug him tight and all I feel are bones and skin.

            His appetite is wearing down. He doesn’t eat as much as he used to. Sometimes he can’t get up either. I told him to just take it easy and this time he doesn’t argue. He’s too weak to argue with me.

            My job at the local bar can only pay me so much. I sing at night for extra money too, which I greatly enjoy. The indie music scene here is so vibrant and supportive. If I had pursued my earlier dreams of being a singer I think this is where I would end up, playing in local coffee shops and have my hair long like all those hipster rock bands.

            Thankfully the job includes food, so whatever food I can take at the bar I eat and sneak in extras for Sehun. The cook would have found out by now but I think she just lets me. She keeps trying to fatten me up saying I’m too thin. I’m too thin? She obviously hasn’t seen Sehun. She would probably get a heart attack and then proceed to cook enough food for a battalion.

            A lot of people ask me what I’m doing here, I usually just say I’m country hopping. No one needs to know about what I do back in Korea. If they did I can’t imagine the words they would throw at me. Spoilt brat looking for attention. Misguided youngster. Ungrateful minx.

            I don’t need the judgement. No one would understand and no one deserves the right to judge. If you know nothing about me then off. I don’t need your opinion when it doesn’t matter. I don’t tell them about Sehun either.

            When did I become like this? I used to brag about getting a new Mercedes for my birthday. What happened to the old me? The old me who was a playboy, a douche and someone who spent money like it was water.

            Nobody would have imagined that old me doing what I’m doing now. Even I can’t imagine it.

            Sometimes I wonder what it would have been like if I didn’t leave. If I had stayed in Korea I wonder what would I be doing. Sitting in my office with Kris? Going clubbing again? Deciding if I should put a deposit on a new pair of Yeezys? Not like that is a bad life.

            I miss my brother. On days when I’m alone, I miss Kris the most. I sort of wish I had told him the truth, but I’m so afraid of what he would say. I can be judged and thrown out by anyone in the world, but not him. If one day Kris decides that he hates me, I don’t think I can take it.

            I hope he finds me. I really hope he does.

A/N: On a sidenote at the end of this angsty chapter, I just want to say happy birthday Baekhyun!!!! Thank you for being the light of our lives and such an inspiration!

The final chapter is all that's left, followed by an epilogue. I hope to get this out before finals start next week, so we shall see hahahahahahaha. Thank you everyone for your kind words! Please do upvote, comment and subscribe if you haven't! Love you!