Both my parents were never good at words. My Mom had too many, and my Dad had too little. When it mattered the most, their words never helped at all. It was the words of books, the words of others that made more sense to me. I like to think I was raised by books instead of people. Books don’t argue. Verbally that is.

              Sometimes the worst thing a parent could do are the things they do unknowingly, like fighting about money. My parents used to fight about money. You think we got rich instantly? Hell no. My dad was laid off for months from his old job at a law firm before he started EXO Corporation. Mum was still working at the pharmacy. So the pay check wasn’t high, but we managed to live on comfortably. Once when I was young, I wanted to go to a Coldplay concert. Dad said okay, but mum said no. They started fighting afterwards.

              “How could you let the child go?! Do you know how much those tickets cost?!”

               “It’s just a concert. Will you let the kid live a little? What’s the harm?”

               “If you think I am going to pay 300 bucks for a bunch of silly musicians then you are highly mistaken. He spends so much time idolising them what is he going to get out of all of this? A car? A scholarship?”

               “Miyoung it’s just a concert.”

               “But concerts cost money and we can’t afford that! We have to send these kids to school and buy them books and shoes and whatever else! That’s good money wasted!! You think bringing up these kids is cheap?!”

                 I hated it when my mum said that. I remembered sitting outside the door and crying silently. I felt like I was to blame for them spending all that money. Like I chose to be born on this earth and to cost a lot. Like I chose to like reading and shoes. Like I chose to like Coldplay. Like I chose to spend all this money. Like I did all of these willingly. Like I did it because I wanted to.

                So what if I did? What was so wrong? I couldn’t believe they were using me to blame for the fact that we don’t have money. Like it was my fault Dad was laid off. Like it was my fault we have to wear hand-me-downs. Is this what I have to be doing to be happy? Have a lot of money?

                Needless to say my friends went to see the Coldplay concert and for a few days I hated them with every fibre of my being. They kept saying it was awesome, and that it was the time of their lives. Great, so apparently I just screwed up the time of my life by being too poor. I wanted to shut the door and scream and just tell the world to off.

                As I grew up, I knew that my mum wasn’t entirely wrong. Yes, we were struggling financially. Yes, she worked hard to keep our family afloat. Yes, she was fighting with Dad because she cared. Yes, she was worried about the money and I can’t blame her for that, but I hated her for making me feel that way. I hated her for making me feel like happiness is tied to money. I hated her for making me think all I did was just cost them money and I was of no use to them, because to this day, I still feel this way. Every time I see them, I’m reminded of how much money they spent on me, and I still feel like a burden when we go out for meals and dad pays them. I try to spend as much as possible on them because it’s only fair, but I secretly remind myself that I will never fight about money in front of my own kids. I will never make them feel like they are using up all my money like a vacuum. I will never make them feel like a burden, and I never got to see that ing Coldplay concert.

                Luhan probably felt the same and like me, he never said a word of it. We didn’t say anything during that period. I remember Luhan coming into my room and patting me on the back after I threw a tantrum to Mum about the concert. We were in our early teens at the time, and as I laid my head in my arms, sobbing away, Luhan pulled out his piggy bank and handed it to me.

                “Here. You can use my money for the concert.”

                “Oh no, Luhan I can’t.”

                “Sure you can!” He pulled out the pig’s tail and the coins fell out. Luhan counted all the pennies he had and put it back in the pig. “Look! I have 5000 won and some small change.”

                “Thanks Luhan, but the concert tickets cost double of that amount.”

                “So this won’t help?”

                “No.” I shook my head, but I smiled at that point. “Thank you for trying to help.”

                “We could do part time chores. I’ll give you the money I earned.”

                “No Luhan it won’t work.”

                “But don’t you wanna go?”

                “I do,” I sniffled. “But maybe it’s not worth it.”

                “How do you know if it’s not?”

                “If I have to use my little brother’s money, it’s not.”

                Luhan was a little confused but he just nodded. I think he was genuinely trying to help me. He wanted me to go to the concert, he wanted me to be happy. He thought that if I had his money I would be happy again, but I didn’t know how to explain what I felt then, that it was more than just the concert and what it meant. It was about my worth in the family.

                Surely as years went on Luhan came to understood why I cried that day, but if he had any form of rebellion then he certainly didn’t show it. When the company became successful and Dad’s income started growing, Luhan started spending it. He went out shopping and clubbing, living the life rich heirs usually lead.

                I, for one, am not a club person. At all. I hate huge crowds, I am totally uncomfortable with them. I hate loud music blasting in my ears, feeling like I’m deaf, and I am just this socially awkward potato who likes to be home by 10 and sleep at 11.

                Once (and just once I swear to God) Luhan begged me to come with him to a club. It was Brother’s Special, so anyone who bought their brother would get in for free. I refused him a total of 3 times before he pulled out the big guns. He started annoying me.

                “Hey bro, wanna go to a club with me?” he asked when I was having lunch.

                “No.”

                “Kris, it’s the Brother’s Special” he asked while I was watching TV.

                “No.”

                “Kris….”

                “Kris………”

                “Kris Kris Kris Kris….”

                “KRIS!!!!!”

                “Kriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiisssssssssssssssssssssssssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

                “OH MY GOD FINE I WILL GO WITH YOU JUST SHUT UP I SWEAR TO GOD.”

                Yes, I went with him. The minute I stepped inside I started questioning my life choices. It was dark and smelled of booze and cigarette smoke. There were just…so many people. And the music was loud. So so so loud.

                Luhan dumped me upon entering the club. He was immediately surrounded by his friends, who all had drinks in their hands and looked a little high already. Luhan pulled me into his circle of friends. “Guys, meet my older brother Kris. He’s the guy I was telling you about.”

                “He…hey guys.” I tried to smile as they all shook my hand. That was where I met Minseok, and he’s pretty cool by the way. I’d rather not talk about the other guys.

                “So you’re the brother Luhan was talking about!”

                “Man you really are tall. How’s the air up there big guy?”

                “Have a drink! Do you do martinis or shots?”

                “Neither. I’m not a strong drinker.”

                “Oh come on now! You haven’t lived till you try their signature cocktail blend!” I was pushed to the bar with his friends, who ordered multiple drinks and tried to get me to drink them all. I took small sips everywhere and tried to pretend I like it. I must be a good actor because they eventually decided to go dancing and left me alone with my drinks.

                I didn’t touch any of them (except for their signature because it really was good) and just sat there watching everyone else. My brother was in the middle of the dance floor, dancing and laughing with his friends, the music moving his body automatically. The girls couldn’t stop staring at him and he was just having the time of his life. I had never seen him like this before.

                “Are you new here?” a girl came up to me and sat down on the bar stool next to mine. She had long black hair and little make-up on. She had on a short, long-sleeve red dress and seemed more sober than everyone else here.

                “Yeah. I came here with my brother.”

                “For Brother’s Special?”

                “Yeah.”

                “Are you from out of town?”

                “Oh no. I’m just not a club person.”

                “I feel you. I was dragged here by a friend too.”               

                “Oh?” I raised my eyebrow at her. “Glad to meet someone who shares my sentiment.”

                “Same. I’m Hwayoung.”

                “I’m Kris.” We shook hands and she smiled at me. We had a pretty friendly conversation and I was actually beginning to enjoy myself in her company. Then, Luhan came up and pulled her off her seat.

                “Don’t touch my brother you .”

                “Luhan! She was just talking to me!”

                “Just talking?” he twisted her arm and pulled up her sleeve. A small white pouch was carefully sewn and attached into her sleeve. “You see this? She was trying to drug you!”

                “What? I…”

                “Get away from my brother!” he flung her arm and flipped her off. Hwayoung growled at him (literally) and she stomped away, pushing past others roughly. Luhan grabbed my drink and at the bottom I could see bubbles.

                “Don’t drink this. Just order water or something.”

                “What was she trying to do?”

                “People like her drug club goers and pick-pocket from them later. The club goers don’t realize anything is off because they thought they were just drunk.” Luhan pulled me away from that section of the bar and to another seat a few paces away.

                “Kris, this is Jin the bartender. Jin, take care of him, and anything he wants, charge it to my account.”

                “Gotcha.” Jin the bartender, who is young and fair smiled at him. Luhan pulled out his wallet and handed him his card.

                “Stay here and be careful of your surroundings. It’s Special Day so there are bound to be a lot more rip-offs.”

                “O…okay.” Luhan left me to go dancing again. I turned to Jin who made another of their special cocktails. “Don’t feel bad. It happens to all of us.”

                I’m not sure if he meant being drugged, scammed, nagged by your brother or all three.

                “Thanks.”

                With my drink in my hand, I just spent the night watching people. I watched them dance, scream, laugh, throw up and all of them happened until 3 in the morning. I watched girls cozy up to Luhan, grinding up against him. When he got bored of them, he started looking for another girl, or another man to grind against. He was so charming with them though. He had his arms around one of the girls, pulling her close and whispering in her ear. She giggled in response and tried to kiss him, but then Luhan turned the other way so she couldn’t.

                I think my brother is a firework. He’s always so spunky and loud, overflowing with energy, colour and this intense radiance that could blind anybody. They were so attracted to this burst of colour and radiance that they wouldn’t mind getting hurt.

                That night, my brother protected me. In that moment, I knew I needed him. I didn’t care if he didn’t need me, but I need him. I also realized one thing, I wanted to be my brother. I wanted to be a firework, but no matter how hard I tried, I was like a broken fuse. I never lit up. My brother blew everyone’s minds away, while I sat there, catching ashes in my hand.

                He left in the middle of fireworks because he knew no one would notice him. He was with his kind then. But the cruel part is that fireworks don’t last long. I don’t want that. I don’t want my brother to run out of colour.

                When I left for the airport the next morning after Minseok’s visit, Tao smiled at me proudly and he said “Now there’s the Kris I know.” Not that I knew what he meant. It’s not like I changed faces or anything but I was back on this treasure hunt. I was back to chasing fireworks.

A/N: 4 years ago I fell in love with EXO, 4 years ago I didn't know I would still be in love with them, and I am. I didn't know then I would write fanfics about them, I didn't know I would cry over them and I didn't know I'd dedicate a huge portion of my life to them. But I did and I don't regret it.

Happy 4th Anniversary EXO, here's to many more years of love and joy.

And to EXO-Ls, happy 4th year anniversary of our crazy life hahahahahahaha