20/9/15-Sehun’s sketchpad

            I knew something was wrong when he had that sad smile on his face. It's hard to explain, but every once in a while Sehun would smile at me sadly, like I was the last beautiful thing he would ever see. I asked him about it initially and he said that it was his artist complex.

            “Not everything is what it seems.” He always told me.

            Sehun tried to keep his illness from me. The fact that he was dying of leukaemia and had only a few years left seemed almost unsubstantial to him. Like it was a common cold. He didn’t have any obvious syptoms, although I did realize that he spent most of his time indoors. He didn’t like to do strenuous activities (and apparently did not count hahahaha) and he was very pale.

            The day I found out was on my birthday. In the morning, Mum made me my favourite breakfast (omelette and baked beans with toast cut in the shape of a heart), Dad gave me the lecture of ‘getting older and getting more responsibilities’ and Kris promised to take me to dinner. It was a weekend and I told them I was going to spend it with Minseok.

            You see, when you come from a family of status and wealth (even if you didn’t have any in the beginning) the society places expectations on you to marry/date the right person. My uality has never been an issue, but my choice in partners have been. If my parents found out that I was dating an artist who lives in a tiny apartment with a hole in his bathroom, I think they would have a fit.

            Plus, there is something about this relationship I just couldn’t share with them. My brother probably would understand, but ultimately he would want me to choose a better mate. He would probably give Sehun the third degree all the time and say ‘I don’t think this relationship will last’.

            I don’t want anyone to tell me if this relationship will last. Does it look like I ing care? All I want is to be with him NOW.

            I went to Sehun’s place and climbed up to the attic on top. Well it wasn’t exactly an attic but more like a whole floor. The owner gave Sehun the floor because no one wanted to use it and also it smelled pretty bad due to the moss. And it has rats the size of a puppy. Sehun tried to disguise the odour with scented candles.

            That floor was an expansion of his work studio. His art was painted on the walls, canvas lined up neatly and other paintings from all around the world hung about. It was a mini art gallery in a stinky attic. There was a round window that Sehun always drew under and a solitary light bulb in the centre for night time.

            “You are just in time.” Sehun smiled as he got off his artist chair and sat me down on the one opposite him.

            “What is it?” I asked him.

            “It’s your birthday surprise.”

            “And what have you got for me?”

            “I’m going to give you the chance of painting on anything you want in this room.”

            “Wait are you serious?” I dropped my jaw and looked around. It was like asking me to kick a football in Old Trafford.

            “Yeah. You can create your own art work here in my studio and you get to sign your big fat name under it.”

            “Oh come on my name is not fat.”

            “You know what I mean.” He rolled his eyes and handed me the pen. “You may start Monsieur Lu.”

            “Oh wow…” I looked around the room and flipped the pen in my hand. This was Sehun’s sacred temple. Everything in the room screamed him, and now I get to leave something that screamed me.

            Soon it will become OUR room. Our sacred temple.

            “Are these pens washable?”

            “No, but I have some here.” He handed me another one. “Why do you want to wash it off?”

            “Because I’m going to draw on you.”

            “Me?”

            “Yes you.” I want to leave my mark on Sehun. To show that he is mine and forever will be.

            “So I’m you canvas now apparently.” He wiggled his eyebrow. “Shall I reduce myself to a blank canvas?”

            “Shut up Sehun.” I blushed. I have seen Sehun a few hundred times already (he paints with his shirt off holy have you seen his body) but every time I think about it I get all tingly and nervous. And yes, very red too.

            He took off his shirt and his alabaster skin glistened in the sunlight. He had broad shoulders, well defined muscles and arms so strong I feel like a limp piece of wood in them. I got him to sit down on the floor while I kneeled down. My fingers were actually shaking when I touched his skin. I guess I was really excited.

            “Calm down sweetie, there’s plenty more of this skin where it came from.”

            “Shut up Sehun.” I punched his arm playfully and bought the pen down on his skin. The first thing I drew was a little heart with my name underneath. He used the mirror of his phone’s camera to check. It was a little red heart under his collar bone on his left side, almost like an tattoo.

            “Well?” I asked.

            “It’s beautiful. Draw more.”

            “Really?”

            “Yeah, and I’ll draw on you too.” He grabbed a pen and tugged my shirt off for me. We were half-, sitting on his floor, drawing on each other. I drew more hearts and arrows, scribbled our name a few times all while he was still drying to draw something on chest too.

            “What are you trying to draw?”

            “You’ll see.” He smirked, pulling me down so I stopped moving. His face was so close to my chest that I could feel his breathe tickling the hairs on it. He gave a little kiss on the spot next to it and he looked up to smile at me. He pulled me down and we shared a long, breathy kiss.

            “Oh Sehun…”

            “Check your new tattoo now.”

            I sat up to look at it and Sehun had drawn a butterfly on it. It was beautiful with red wings and sky blue spirals. “Sehun it’s beautiful.”

            “Thank you, and I also appreciate you writing PROPERTY OF LUHAN around my waistline.” I laughed so hard at his expression I bowled over. “Maybe I should get this tattooed.” He laughed.

            “You would do that for me?”

            “I would do anything for you.” He smiled, taking my face in his hands and kissing me again. “You are the love of my life Luhan, and like this butterfly, I hope you find the freedom you want.”

            “Sehun, my freedom is right here, right now, with you.”

            That day, we made love so many times in that stinky attic. We had paint all over us and in our hair. I could feel the heat of his skin against mine, the warmth of his mouth and beating of his heart as if it was my own. Our knuckles were red and sore from knocking against the floor and all the air was taken out of our lungs. It was a messy, vibrant piece of art that was left behind. Curves everywhere, skin patterns and moans of ecstasy. I swear I had never felt like this before, never this satisfied and never so at peace.

            “Luhan…” Sehun rasped my name as we laid there on the floor, and intertwined. “I have another gift for you.”

            “Aside from the paint and the ?”

            “Yes.” He smiled and kissed me. It was that sad smile again. “I want to share my deepest secret, something no one knows and only you would.”

            “What is it?” I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear it. What if it was something terrible, like he murdered someone before or he was married or something?

            But Sehun trusted me. He trusted me and loved me enough to be honest and tell me everything. He didn’t want to keep secrets from me.

            Then, he told me everything. He told me how one day when he was painting on the rooftop of one building in Seoul, he passes out under the hot sun. He was sent to the hospital, and they told him he had leukaemia. They wanted to treat him, but he had no money. He underwent chemotherapy once and he hated it. He hated the pain and he hated how weak he felt, but most importantly he hated how he wasn’t able to draw. He couldn’t walk or run or paint anywhere he liked. He was no longer free, but bound by his illness.

            He refused treatment. He tried living his life normally, but some days it was just not easy. He felt lethargic and had no appetite. On some days he felt perfectly normal, but some days were just terrible.

            “When I met you, I fell for you instantly. I was thinking this is the most beautiful and handomse person I had ever met.” He giggled, running a hand through my hair. “You gave me the strength to get out of bed on days that were hard. You keep me from my illness. You’re healing me.”

            “No I’m not.” I said, feeling the wetness from my eyes. I didn’t know I was crying.

            “Yes you are Luhan. You’re saving me. In more ways than you know.” He kissed me again. “I don’t want you to suffer and I certainly don’t want to promise you forever if I can’t do that. I have never loved anyone as much as I have loved you and I want you to know what is happening to me.”

            “Sehun…”

            “You don’t have to be with me. You are still young with lots of potential. You could have a very successful future and a very happy one too. I don’t want you to be bound by me, the same way I was bound by my illness.”

            “Are you…are you asking me to leave?” I cried even harder.

            “I’m giving you a choice. You can stay or you can leave. No matter what I will understand. I just want to prove how much I love you before you decide.”

            My sobs were loud now, my body was shaking violently as he pulled me close and I cried for him to hear. “This can’t be happening…no…” my voice shook out in broken sobs. “There must be a way.”

            “There is no way.”

            “Sehun I have money; I can save you. You don’t have to die.”

            “Why spend good money on someone who will die anyways?”

            “Sehun!” I sat up and slapped his chest. “How could you say that! I’m trying to save you! I want you to live longer, so that we can get married and have kids and watch them have kids and sit around like old grandfathers playing golf and bouncing kids on our knees.”

            “Luhan…” I heard him snicker a little as he wiped my tears. “You are saving me.”

            “No I’m not.”

            “Yes you are.” He said softly. “I would have died even faster if it wasn’t for you. You are the one keeping me alive.”

            “S…Sehun…”

            “I will understand if you leave. I really will. I just want you to be happy.”

            “But…what will happen to you?”

            “My fate will arrive. I am destined for death Luhan.” I broke out a sob again when he mentioned death. “But as long as you are happy, I can leave this world knowing I have no regrets. I don’t expect you to decide soon, I just wanted to tell you the truth.” He laid back down on the floor as I wiped my tears with dirty fingers, hence making my face dirty.

            “It feels so good to have told you the truth. Now I really am a blank canvas.” He smiled and breathe a sigh of relief. The sun painted his face with a ray of bright light. His eyes shone like the purest and shiniest obsidians and he just seemed so at peace, so beautiful and happy.

            How could a man who is dying be so happy?

            I had a sudden urge to just punch him in the face, but I didn’t have the heart to disturb him. I tucked my knees under my arms, hugging them close as I sat there, all sorts of thoughts were running through my head.

            How much pain was he in?

            Did he tell his family?

            Is he really ready to die?

            Should I stay to watch him die?

            What am I going to do?

            “Why did you have to drop a bomb like that on my birthday?” I asked him. “You couldn’t wait a little longer?”

            “I wanted to give you something special Luhan. I wanted to give you honesty, my story, my body, my everything.” He said. “I’m not perfect. I’m flawed as hell, but I’m bare and honest now. You can bend me, break me, paint me, it doesn’t matter. I have nothing to lose but you, and even then…” he swallowed. “I just want you to be happy.”

            “And I want you to live, but you won’t accept treatment.”

            Sehun shook his head. “I don’t need it. Just think of it has my life’s chapter being smaller than everyone else.”

            “Isn’t that terrible?”

            “No, because you are in most of them. Not all stories have to be long.”

            I leaned forward to force my lips on his, telling him to shut up shut up SHUT UP. We kissed so hard my knees buckled and I was under him again. “I won’t do anything you wouldn’t want to.” He said as he kissed my neck.

            “I just want to be with you.”

            “Okay, birthday boy.”

            We made love again, and I was reminded how I can’t live without him.

            I realized then I would go to the ends of the earth for him.

            And I did.

A/N: For those of you who wondered what the hell was going on with Luhan and Sehun, this is the chapter to explain it all. I've already drafted out the ending, so this story is coming to a close indeed. Once again thank you guys so much for everything! I've read some beautiful comments you guys left behind this week and it's so heartwarming. I love you guys!