God bless Chanyeol is all I can say. I told him about my predicament and that I had to return to Seoul immediately. He helped me book the earliest flight possible that morning and offered me breakfast and a ride to the airport. I didn’t want to trouble him any further but he insisted upon doing so. He said it was the least he could do.

                “I think my children will be disappointed to see you gone when they wake up.”

                “I know. I’m going to leave them a note before we leave the house.”

                “Oh but whatever you do please don’t startle them.” Baekhyun asked, cradling Jungkook in his arms.

                “I won’t.” The twins had fallen asleep in the treehouse, but I slowly moved them back inside because it was far too cold outside. I tiptoed into their room, being very careful not to make a sound. Jimin and Taehyung were asleep on their beds as I crept to the nightstand in between both beds, an envelope in my hand.

                “Mr. Wu?” a soft groggy sound called.

                “Shhh, it’s still early Jimin. Go back to sleep.”

                “Where are you going?”

                “I’m going to look for my brother.”

                “Mr. Wu,” Jimin got up and climbed out of bed, stumbling as he did so. I had my hands outstretched behind him in case he fell. He opened his drawer and took out an old shoebox. “When you find Luhan, can you give this to him?”

                Inside the box was a myriad of papers and photos, some random belongings and even an old candy bar. It was labelled as Luhan’s Treasure Box. This was it, this was the bunch of clues I needed.

                “Thank you Jimin. I will indeed.”

                “I hope you find him Mr. Wu.”

                “I hope so too. Take care of your brothers and your parents for me okay?”

                “Okay.”

                “Promise?”

                “Promise.” We did a little pinky swear and I scooped the small boy into my arms. Jimin smiled lazily as he rubbed his eyes and I tucked him back into bed. I planted a small kiss on his forehead and another on Taehyung before waving goodbye. Just before I left the room, Taehyung’s pillow had fallen off the bed so I went to pick it up.

                The pillow was blue and soft to touch. I flipped the pillow in my hands and tried to remember why it felt so familiar. The lines on the pillow, it’s texture and it’s fabric.

                This was Luhan’s sweater. His favourite blue sweater. He made a pillow out of it for Jimin and Taehyung.

                He sacrificed his favourite sweater for two boys he knew only for two weeks.

                He knew he was never going to see them again.

                I wanted to cry into that pillow. A physical belonging of Luhan’s now belonged to someone else. I tucked the pillow under Taehyung’s hand and told myself they need it. No one deserved it more than they do.

                I tried to stop myself from crying as I left the room. Luhan’s box was tucked under my arm as I came down the stairs. Baekhyun and Chanyeol were out in the garage. I made a turn after the staircase and saw two eyes looking at me. The owner of this face smiled and mumbled something. He waved his small hands at me and kicked his little feet as he sat up.

                “Hello there Jungkookie.” I picked up the baby in my arms and he let me carry him with no fuss. The baby mumbled again and I giggled at him. He was such an adorable child. I looked down into his cot and saw the same blue pillow, only smaller.

                Luhan tore his old sweater to make pillows for all three children.

                I said my goodbyes to the baby and Baekhyun, who thanked me for being such a wonderful guest and taking care of his sons at night. I got into the car with Chanyeol, who smiled at me and asked “Ready?”

                “Ready.”

                I spent the whole ride looking out the window, thinking of that blue pillow. I had Luhan’s box in my hand, so I thought about the stuff he would write about. Would he write about his experience with children? Would he write about their adventures? What about Sehun and his artwork? Their next destination? I thought about two faces watching me when I entered the house, the way they prayed for someone to play with them and the way they smiled at me.

                Watching Jimin and Taehyung did nothing but remind me of myself and Luhan, and I missed him more than ever. It’s been months since I heard my brother’s voice. Where is he? What is he doing? Is he well? Why did he tear up his favourite sweater? The sweater we won together, the sweater with all those memories…

                I cried in the car silently as I thought of Luhan. Chanyeol drove in silence, but before he left me at the airport he pulled me into a warm hug.

                “You will find him.”

                “Thank you.” I sniffled. “I’m sorry, I’m not usually like this.”

                “It’s okay. I can only imagine what it feels like to lose a family member.”

                “Chanyeol,” I swallowed my tears and looked at him. “You should spend more time at home. Your sons miss you, and I think Baekhyun does to.”

                “Did they tell you that?”

                “No, but trust me,” I sighed. “You wouldn’t want to go through what I went through.”

                He nodded and handed my bag to me. “Thank you Kris.”

                “Thank you for everything.”

                “No, thank you Kris. And when you find Luhan, tell him I said thank you too. Thank you both for saving my family.”

                Family.

                I saved one, but mine is falling apart.

************************

20/9/15-Empty Newspaper

      I did it. I ing did it. I gathered up the courage to tear up my old blue sweater.

      I thought about what they needed. They don’t need toys anymore, they are too old. No books because no one has shown an interest. So I went with a pillow. Baekhyun told me he had cotton bags from his shop stored at home, so I cut up my sweater, which was just nice to make three pillows.

      I didn’t want to, because that was my favourite sweater, but I have to leave something behind. Sehun and I have to travel much lighter now, and it will be a nice surprise if Kris finds it when he tracks me down.

      I don’t know where I’m going yet, Sehun says he will make the reservations and not to worry about it. He doesn’t say it but there’s a sombre look in his eyes.

      Time is running out. We must move faster.

****************************

                When I arrived in Seoul, I went straight to the hospital where my father was admitted. He was sitting upright, with IVs inserted in his arm while my mother watched him. “Dad!!”

                “Kris…” he looked at me in surprise, his hand weak as he tried to grab mine. “Where is he?”

                “What?”

                “Luhan…did you find him?”

                I tried to figure out how to tell him. My father was so weak. I had never seen him like this before. My father has always been a strong figure. He exercised regularly and hardly got sick. How could the man who raise me look so weak now?

                “I’m sorry dad…”

                “My son…is he dead?”

                “No dad. I just haven’t found him.” He slumped back in bed at my words. His hands slipped out of mine as he looked dazedly at somewhere else. He never did this before. Who is this man? I started to cry again.

                “Dad…dad…dad please…” I choked a little on my own sobs. My mother came towards me and before I knew it-

                SLAP

                “Mom…” I held my reddened cheek. My mother was raising her arms in the air, trying to reach out to hit me. “Mrs Wu stop!” Tao grabbed my mother’s arms and held her back. She was grunting and crying, angry tears down her face.

                “How could you not find him? How could you?! Where have you been all this while?!?!”

                “Mom…”

                “Look at your father. Look at him!” I turned to look at my father, whose face was a sheet of white and his arms lay limply next to him. “Where were you when your father had a heart attack? Where were you when he was lying there beside me, lifeless and in pain?! Where were you and your brother?! Where were my sons when I needed them most?!?!!?”

                “Mom…” I started sobbing. Tao wrapped his arms around my mother as she continued crying. “This whole family…it’s dying…I don’t know where my son is, and my husband will never be the same again….” She sobbed and sobbed. The only thing I could do was hold her, and we sobbed together.

***********************

                A few hours later, my mom had gone home to take a shower and rest for a while. The longer she spent with my father, the more depressed she became. Doctors advised her to take a rest and calm herself. We all have to be mentally prepared that my father may not be able to go back to work. They have advised him to eliminate alcohol from his diet and take a real proper retirement. Also, his heart attack may happen again.

                “I got you some food.” Tao bought a bento box for me as I slumped on the sofa in the hospital VIP lounge. The whole day was just too much for me. On top of my father’s illness, my brother’s disappearance and now my mother has broken down, I also found out that Jackson is personally conducting meetings with our clients and handing out gift baskets to the staff.

                ing gift baskets.

                “Thank you Tao.” I mumbled weakly as I rose up. He opened the bento box for me and poured the soy sauce. His hands are really gentle and his hair smells nice. He scooped up a spoonful of rice and looked at me. “Say ah.”

                “Ah.” I gladly obliged as I was too weak and tired. He fed me and for the first time in nearly 12 hours my stomach had food to digest. “Since when did you start feeding people?”

                “I fed your father last night when he was hungry. Your mother was asleep and I didn’t want to bother her.”

                “Have you been here all the time?”

                “Yeah.” He sighed. “It was really scary Kris. I heard your mother scream and shout, and then I saw your father lying there, like…” he stopped himself and his voice started to shake.

                “I’m sorry Tao. I shouldn’t have left you here alone to deal with this.”

                “It’s alright Kris…”

                “No, no it’s not alright.” I got up to my feet and pulled Tao with me. He looked at me in surprise when I pulled him in my arms. “I’ve been neglecting you and taking advantage of your kindness. I asked you to look after my parents while I ran away to look for my brother. I expected you to pick up after my shortcomings when it came to the family and work. You shouldn’t do this if you don’t want to.”

                “But I do. I wanted to help you.” He softly my face and I felt more tears forming in my eyes. “You have had such a terrible time, losing your brother. I have no other way to find him for you so it’s the least I can do.”

                “Tao, you have been so good to me. How did I ever get so lucky?”

                “It’s because I’m in love with you.” He smiled, leaning forward in my embrace. I kissed the top of his head and we smiled together.

                “Tao, when all of this is over, I want you to marry me.” Tao stiffened and he pulled away.

                “Wh…what?”

                “I love you Tao. I have never loved anyone or anything as strongly as I have loved you. I almost lost my father these past few days, and my brother is never coming back. I cannot afford to lose you too Tao. Marry me, please.”

                “Shouldn’t you get down on one knee to propose to me?”

                I bent down immediately, took his hand and with one big breath, I asked “Tao, will you marry me?”

                “I’ve been waiting for so long you idiot.” He bent down into my arms and kissed me, lips crashing against each other like we haven’t seen each other for days (we really didn’t see each other for days). Our teeth probably knocked into each other’s but all we cared about was holding each other close and never letting go.

                I am so ing angry with my brother. I cannot believe he did this. He left the family just like that for his own selfish pursuit. If he didn’t leave, my father wouldn’t be drinking so much. He would still be fit and well. Mom wouldn’t have had all these breakdowns and the company would not be in Jackson’s hands.

                It’s our father. How could Luhan not be here? How could he not be here for the man who raised him, for the man who gave him everything, for the people who loved him the most?

                Screw this. I’m not looking for him anymore.

                He can die somewhere in a corner of the globe, holding hands with this so-called artist boyfriend he loves so much.

                I don’t ing care anymore.