Song: How Can I (by TVXQ)

Pairing: Changmin X Youngjin (OC)

Specially for: missinvisible

Word Count: 1013

“I don’t think I can do this anymore. Let’s break up.”

Changmin’s just sitting there on the couch, his entire body trembling uncontrollably, a horrible gut feeling gripping at his insides, and his heart palpitating furiously. He feels strangled by the inability to scream and cry; his hand still clutching onto his mobile phone, and wet with thick perspiration. It’s like the world is shrinking, leaving him alone with his memories, fears and disbeliefs.

The last thing he hears is Youngjin’s voice: something which once dripped with perfection, something he grew to love and look forward to; but now it only acted as a reminder that she didn’t want him anymore. A part of him wishes that reality could slap him in the face, because he’s the guy, and he shouldn’t even be this hurt. Another part of him screams at him, telling him that he’s unloved and unwanted.

First loves and break-ups hurt the most.

His thoughts break out into chaos. It’s almost impossible to sort them out but he tries, because if he wants to break through the pain, he knows he has to go through it first.

He remembers that the shock sends electricity running through his body. He quickly wonders why Youngjin suddenly wanted to break up with him, why she just had to do this via a goddamn phone call. It made him feel so worthless. He then remembers the feeling of being suffocated, as if something’s gripping at his throat, and he was just speechless.

Before Changmin even had time to reply, the phone line cut off. He doesn’t break down, he just holds onto his phone, his grip tightening with every passing minute. He didn’t use the time to let the words sink in, he just fell apart in pure disbelief.

Then he starts to wonder if he had done anything wrong in the past few days, weeks or even months; if he had made mistakes unknowingly or hurt her in ways he never expected to.  Is it because he spends too much time on work? Is it because he’s a boring person? Or that Youngjin is really losing interest in him?

Growling in frustration, he lets his mind go on to scrutinize the memories they’ve one shared. He still remembers her smooth red hair, and how lovely it feels to run his fingers through them. He then remembers what it feels like to look into her eyes and be enchanted to a point where he’ll be speechless. He remembers the feeling of her skin on his, all those gentle touches that would bring a light smile to his face.

Then his mind shifts on towards the memory of their first kiss. It was gentle and she tasted like honey on his lips, moist and sweet. Brushing his fingertip on his lips as if it would help relive the kiss, he whimpers when he feels nothing anymore.

Finally, he reaches the aftermath, where he simply decides to drown in his own depression. He shuts his eyes hard, telling himself he shouldn’t have heard those words, that he should have forgotten to bring his phone back home.

Tears finally run down his face. He clenches his fists, angry at himself for crying. He’s ing ditched by Youngjin, he should be feeling angry for being dumped instead.

Raiding the fridge, he fishes out a tub of strawberry ice-cream, pops two frozen pizzas into the microwave and cooks packaged ramen in a boiling pot. As he waits for the food to cook, he plops himself on the chair, plugging his earphones in, blasting every sickening love song he can find that only makes him sadder.

He tries to be angry with Youngjin, he really does. He starts listing out all her flaws, all the mistakes she’ve made, how many times she stood Changmin up, even how she doesn’t look nice in leather jeans at all. But then his heart always manages to soften as he realises that he loves her not because she’s perfect, but perfect to him.

His eyes are rimmed with bitter shades of crimson and they feel swollen and heavy. Blinking his tears away, he first devours the ramen, then stuffs himself with the pizza, having tomato sauce smothered all over his lips and finally sulking by the kitchen table, spoonfeeding himself with the ice-cream.

Changmin relishes how food fills up the emptiness in his stomach, a pretensive excuse that claims to have filled up the holes in his heart as well. In the past, Youngjin would laugh at how he gobbles up everything so quickly, she even and said that he probably should marry to food than marry to her.

Upset, his hands explore his jean pocket, pulling out the maroon box with a wedding ring inside.

He intended to propose to her, and now, out of the blue, she wanted nothing to do with him anymore.

Changmin’s heart squeezes one more time. He closes his eyes slowly, wondering if he should attempt to forget her. Or maybe things will go back to normal? Why is he still clinging onto stupid hopes that only make him sound more delusional than he really is?

He starts to wish that time could stop, that he could go back in time to see if he really did anything wrong. The curiousity that bugs at him, the want to not keep blaming himself for everything, keeps growing stronger. But he doesn’t even dare to call Youngjin back: her voice was hollow, scary, belonging to a stranger; when he picked up the phone just now.

Changmin knows he needs to stop expecting miracles to happen. It’s real, and reality hurts.

I need to move on.

Washing up, he lays down on his bed, and it’s his first time in a long while now, to feel so ing empty and sleeping without reason to wake up the next morning anymore.

I really need to move on.

He has to keep that promise, and has to will himself to believe that love isn’t as simple as what everybody else thinks.

A/N: Ahh, the plot is so horrible /sobs an ocean/ But here's some graphic angst and MinFood (LOL) for you so I hope that can make up for it. Thanks for requesting xoxo and I hope you enjoy this one-shot! :-)