Song: Can't Let You Go Even If I Die (by 2AM)

Pairings: YaDong (Dongwoo X Hoya)

Specially for: devilangel31231

Word Count: 1486

Howon’s arms snake around Dongwoo’s waist, as he pulls the older boy toward his chest, sniffing his hyung’s light golden hair. Dongwoo shudders, aching to admit defeat to Howon’s dominance, but instead he pulls away, shutting his eyes reluctantly. Howon leans in closer, attempting to peck at his boyfriend’s forehead, but Dongwoo just keeps on moving away.

“Hyung, what’s wrong?” Howon’s eyesbrows knit toward each other, his forehead creasing in worry. Dongwoo just sighs, how am I exactly gonna break it to him?

“Nothing’s wrong, I’m just tired,” Dongwoo pulls up his hair, knowing that this wasn’t entirely a lie. His eye bags are inconspicuous; and they feel thick and heavy, like burdens.

Why is exhaustion a burden, even when I know I’m going to die, anyway?

“That’s probably one of the most common lies ever. Pretending to use ‘tired’ as an excuse for clearly being not okay,” Howon looks at the floor, his expression showing hurt. Dongwoo softens, but he knows he can’t get too emotionally attached to the boy.

If I die, is it my fault? Would I be the one blamed for abandoning him?

Dongwoo attempts to swallow down the lump in throat, before giving up, “Forget it, forget this. I’m going to bed.”

Howon grabs Woo’s hand before he can move anywhere, “There must be something up with you.”

He can feel Dongwoo shrug, trying to shake this off. Howon just tightens his grip around Dongwoo’s hand, literally pleading, “Please, hyung, tell me. It’s not just today, you’ve been like this pretty much these past few weeks. I feel like I’m losing you with every passing second.”

You’re already losing me. Please, Howon, don’t make this hard for me.

Dongwoo tries to struggle out of this situation again. Howon now screams with burning frustration, “Hyung, tell me, please! I want to know what’s wrong, because I actually ing care!”

Even if you know, it’s not like you can do anything about it.

Dongwoo hisses through his clenched teeth, “Goddammit, Howon, I’m just tired! Get off me already!”

Stunned, Howon immediately lets go, tears filling up in his eyes.

What happened to the Dongwoo that laughed at everything? The Dongwoo whom I can easily tease on, everyday? The Dongwoo who thinks that he himself is one y little dinosaur? The Dongwoo who eats like a dinosaur, even? The Dongwoo with the large nostrils and gorgeous lips?

The tears are now running down, blinking them away doesn’t even help. Dongwoo’s heart is sure to have melted into nothing by now, because he rushes back to Howon, “, oh my god, Howon, don’t cry. I’m sorry, I didn’t even know – “

“Just go away, and leave me alone,” Howon snaps angrily at Dongwoo.

“Howon, I said, I’m sorry!”

“I feel like I don’t even know you anymore!” Howon screams out, his heart seeming as though it’s drowning in ing flames.

“You won’t understand – “

“Well, if you’re not gonna tell me what’s up with you, it’s obvious that I’ll never understand – “

“ it, Howon! You have no idea how hard it is for me!”

“And it’s because of that, that’s why I’m so ing angry at myself, Dongwoo hyung! You won’t tell me, you won’t let me share this burden with you. You just leave me here to watch you break apart,” Howon breaks out into little sobs.

It’s hurting you like it’s hurting me, right? Won’t it just hurt you even more if I tell you everything?

“…hyung, please. I feel like I’m dead inside,” Howon whispers, his eyes crimson and swollen. I curse quietly, pefore pulling his chin upwards to face him directly.

“Howon,” he begins, my voice shaking, “I’m sick.”

Silence.

“Sick? With what?”

“…leukemia.”

Seven months have passed. Howon’s grown so ing used to the pain that nowadays, he’s just numb. About four months ago, Dongwoo still can move around, but he gets really tired easily; and he doesn’t even laugh much anymore. Howon misses Dongwoo’s beautiful, contagious laughter; but he knows Dongwoo’s body is just using whatever strength that is left to fight the cancer cells that even his lips can’t seem to find their way at curling up into a smile anymore.

Then about three weeks ago, Dongwoo’s already put into a hospital ward for whatever time he’s left with. Howon can only smilt at him, caressing his face, telling them that things would all be okay.

But he didn’t know how to lie to himself anymore, seeing Dongwoo like this everyday.

He’s stayed with Dongwoo most of the time, constantly pecking his lips, rubbing his own hands up and down Dongwoo’s fragile arms. To Dongwoo, it’s encouraging; to Howon, it’s more of something that would help him remember Dongwoo’s touch, when he’s gone.

Howon couldn’t even believe that his mind already registered the fact that Dongwoo was going to die. And it hurt so much that he thought that he had gone insane.

Everybody leans their body against the glass screen, some of them occasionally looking out, waiting for the stone entrance to roll upwards, and the familiar rosewood coffin to appear. After one year and seventeen days of fighting his leukemia, Dongwoo’s body finally gave in.

Howon watches how everybody’s crying. He wonders why he is the only one with no more tears left, after crying himself to sleep every night. He wonders why he wouldn’t even take Dongwoo’s death seriously, that the hurt isn’t even there to bug him anymore. It disgusts him that he couldn’t feel the pain of missing Dongwoo, though some part of him convinced him enough that he does.

He then hears everybody gasping, as they immediately turn their attention to the glass screen. Howon sees with his own eyes, that two men dressed in black robes carry the coffin Dongwoo’s laying in, the stone entrance finally rolling upwards, revealing a pitch dark square hole.  Then they throw the coffin into the hole, almost relentlessly, letting Dongwoo’s body burn into ashes.

Howon feels his heart squeeze. The pain is finally sinking in.

It’s not that it didn’t hurt at all, it’s that all this time I still think you’re here, Jang Dongwoo. No matter what I just can’t let you go.

Hallucinations, memories, pain. Everything murdered Howon from the inside. He drowned himself in alcohol, and even sleeping pills. He dreamt of Dongwoo, literally every night. Living alone, he didn’t even let his parents take care of him anymore. He gave up on his part-time filler job at the Chinese restaurant near his house, and he stopped attending choreography and dance classes at the arts academy he was studying in. Everyday was just one step away from reality.

And then he begins dreaming about heaven. There were dreams that didn’t made sense, which mainly involved Dongwoo and Howon being angels. Then there were dreams of Howon sauntering into a brilliant light source, to find himself in Dongwoo’s arms again.

Howon’s foot is literally sticking out now. He’s sitting at the edge of the rooftop, contemplating on whether he should get to heaven faster. It’s not like he’s gotten insane, it’s that he’s sick and tired of his fantasies being unreal.

He slips the other foot, poking it outwards again. He smiles, just another move he makes, and he’s closer to escape; to being with Dongwoo.

To be honest, Howon, you sound crazy, even to yourself.

He then chuckles to himself, “Jang Dongwoo has driven me crazy, ever since the day we met.”

He begins to cry again, wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

Nothing’s wrong, there’s an empty space in your heart left for Dongwoo to fill, you should know what to do now.

Howon remembers their first confession, date, kiss, even the first time they held hands.

Will you still remember me, even if we see each other in heaven again?

Howon then screams out loud into nothingness, “Yah! Jang Dongwoo! You can hear me, right? From above? I’ll be here to look for you again, I promise. I’ll be there for you, sorry I couldn’t have been, before we met. Sorry for not being good enough, that I couldn’t keep you alive. Just sorry for everything.”

His volume descreases.

“Dongwoo, I know you’ve never left me. You were always there, and I just need you to know that I’ll always be there too.  I can’t let you go, no matter what, I just can’t. And I can’t always depend on my fantasies to have you, I love a reality with you in it, in fact I miss it so ing much… I miss you.”

Howon bites his lip.

“…everything comes down to the fact that I can’t, and that I won’t, let you go, even if I die. So now I’ll be joining you with death, I’ll come find you again, I swear.”

Howon stands up, he doesn’t even say goodbye, and he jumps off the bulding.

A/N: There you go! Hope you enjoy it, and thanks for requesting xoxo!