Knowing
I'm Sorry It Was YouMy happiness was short-lived. By morning I had realised just how foolish and naïve I had been the night before. In fact I was so far past naïve that Baekhyun’s cousins suddenly seemed like Einstein. How could I have been so excited about Sehun potentially attending the same university as I was? It could only end badly, particularly with Luhan there as well. If my father had been here, he would have scorned me for not thinking it through.
Before dawn, and before Sehun had even managed to pry his eyes open I had headed out of the room and out of the house. Last night had been far from a restful one to say the least, and although I felt shattered I had to take a breather from that little room. And that’s how I found myself at the top of the hill, sitting by the tree at my mum’s grave as the sun began to rise. It was very different to the sun I watched with Sehun, but it was nonetheless pretty.
“Mum, I don’t know what to do anymore.” I lay down with my head resting on the cold ground beside her grave. “I thought I was doing the right thing, but I don’t think I am anymore. Not at all. I don’t want to lie to Sehun anymore, but I don’t want to tell him what I’ve done either. I just want to stay with him, without all this. It’s suffocating me.” I wiped my dry cheeks as if there were tears there.
“But I-” my words caught in my throat. “I don’t think I can. Da- Father won’t let me. And he won’t let me back out of this, either.” I breathed out shakily.
“Why did you die, Mum? Maybe you could have stopped him doing this.” I thought about when I had been younger; happier. I hadn’t always called my father ‘father’, I once called him ‘dad’ in the same way I called my mum ‘mum’. But he changed, and not for the better.
“I know I’ve never told you this before,” I sat up again. “But dad changed after you died. He’s not like he was and it’s painful to watch. I’ve tried ignoring it, and I’ve tried helping him with his company, but neither seem to be making him happy and-” Again, my breath caught. “And neither is making me happy.”
Rubbing my hands through my tangled hair, I let out an uneven breath. “And with Sehun, I feel happy. I feel like I don’t have to be so perfect and polite and heir-like. I can just be me. And I can’t even explain how nice that is. But he said he liked someone, and I don’t know what that means for me. It should be fine though, since we’re friends, right?”
Right now I would have given anything to talk to my mum about all of this, and for her to be able to give me the answers I so desperately sought.
Shaking my head, I realised I was being stupid again. “Sorry for the rant, I just didn’t have anyone else to tell.”
Although I lulled into silence, I didn’t move. I just sat there in front of my mum’s grave with my arms wrapped tightly against my knees and my chin nestled in the middle. The air was cold and a little damp since it was so early, and I hadn’t brought a jacket with me so it was uncomfortable at best.
Time seemed to pass slowly as I sat there, or maybe it passed quickly and I just wasn’t aware of it. But either way, I was almost numb when I next felt something touch me; my shoulder to be precise.
Flinching around to the contact, I saw a rather concerned and tired looking Sehun standing behind me, his hand gripping my shoulder.
“Are you ok?”
I blinked; dazed at seeing him here so suddenly. He was panting lightly from the walk up the hill.
“You’re freezing,” he mumbled, glancing to the hand he had on my shoulder. Without saying anything else, he pulled of his jacket and draped it onto my shoulders, flinching himself as the cold air suddenly caught him. His jacket was so warm that I could almost feel myself thawing instantly. Stepping around me, he crouched in front of me and gently pushed my knees to the side before zipping up the jacket.
“Why did you come out here without a jacket?” he asked as he sat next to me.
I shrugged. “Why are you so concerned with my temperature?” I replied but really I was incredibly glad he had brought his coat with me.
Leaning over, he flicked my forehead lightly. “Someone has to be, you angry little gnome.”
I snorted before mumbling a thanks.
It turned out that Sehun and my grandparents had been most disturbed to have awoken to find me missing and, whilst I could see their point, I wasn’t exactly sorry. After all, Sehun had found me quickly and it’s not like I had wandered far.
There was supposed to be a snow storm coming this evening that would likely last for the next week and cause all scheduled flights to be cancelled so we were going to be flying this afternoon instead of tomorrow now. I was too tired to even argue with anyone about it.
“Bye, mum,” I told her as I brushed my hand across the top of her grave once more. “I’ll see you soon.”
As Sehun and I headed back down the hill, his hand wound in to find mine. I let him take it, and scooted a little closer to him until our shoulders were brushing.
“This is a good jacket,” I told him as I snuggled into it more. It really was doing a great job of keeping me warm.
“Keep it. It suits you,” he told me absentmindedly.
I smiled up at him. “Honestly, you spoil me!” I teased, earning a small nudge from Sehun in return.
My grandparents were sad that we were leaving, but nonetheless happy that we had come in the first place. Just as Sehun and I had finished our packing, my grandma pulled me aside under the guise of asking where I had put the large spoon. It was actually the first time I had been completely alone with her on this trip.
“Spud, tell me honestly, why is that boy here?” she asked almost immediately after she closed the kitchen door.
“Sehun?”
She nodded. But I didn’t know what to say.
My grandma seemed to sense that I didn’t have an answer, so she continued. “He said he’s from your school, but that he’s only known you for a couple months. Have you moved schools without telling us?” I didn’t want to tell her what was going on, but I didn’t think she’d let me leave without doing so.
“My father,” I began, causing her to sigh agitatedly and jut out her jaw. I could tell she was already unimpressed by my story. “Moved me to a different school because he wants a very important contract with Sehun’s father. So he wanted me to get close to him to do so.”
My grandma didn’t say anything for a moment, then she shook her head. “No. That’s not all this is.” My brow furrowed at her words, trying to think if I had left anything out. “There’s no way that you would’ve taken Sehun here if that was all it was. You’ve never even taken that boy Luhan, the one you used to talk about, here. So why Sehun?”
I hesitated. Was there a right answer? From the way my grandma was smiling at me, it seemed like there was.
“W-what does that mean?”
Again, she smiled at me knowingly. “The two of you remind me of how your grandpa and I were when we were younger. And we saw you dancing last night.” My cheeks pinked. “Real love comes to only the lucky few, but is lost by the foolish few.” With a squeeze to my shoulder, she opened the door and left me in the kitchen to where the sound of my grandpa wishing 'Sam' a safe journey back.
There was only one thing on my mind:
Love?
Even though we arrived at the airport early to catch an earlier flight, it seemed that we were not the only ones. In the end, the only flight out we could get was one that stopped in Hong Kong for a connection. Also, to my silent horror, Sehun had booked us two seats in economy class.
Sehun walked a little ahead of me carrying our luggage as I tried to pull down my jacket to hide just a little more of my bottom half. And the reason? Well, like Sehun, I was wearing pyjamas. In a public place. With actual people. With actual eyes. I groaned as I thought about how easily it had been for Sehun to talk me into this.
Glancing over his shoulder, Sehun saw that I had drifted behind a little. “Come on, pup.” Pup? We were definitely getting into the re
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