Hurting

I take her to the kitchen although I know I should take her away as fast as I can. Taekyung is around, he might decide not to give up, which would only hurt her deeper. But I don't want her to feel like she's running away. She said she didn't want to avoid him so I won't make her do it. Even if he comes after her again, she has to deal with that. I can't shield her from that because, in a way, by doing that I'm hurting her in another way.

Whatever happens, I'll support her. If she regrets this choice and wants to try again with him… I'll support her. If she decides to walk away from all this… I'll support her. If she decides to give me a chance… I'll support her. It's her life, I can't make the decisions for her.

I don't ask her whether she wants some tea or not, I just brew some for her and sit by her side. She hasn't said another word and she looks rather dead. All the colour has drained from her face and she's deep in thought. I have to make her hold the cup so she can realise she must drink it. And I wait, I just wait until she organises her thoughts and decides what to do next.

This takes over twenty minutes. Taekyung never shows up, Jeremy and Minam show up and express their confusion and worry but I tell them to just leave us alone.

"I hurt him…" she finally whispers and I get it then. Her tone, the way her eyes look only at the bottom of the cup tell me that what hurts her the most is not definitely breaking up with him, it's hurting him… Because she still loves him. I guess a part of her will always love him. I've heard you never truly forget your first love.

"You didn't do it on purpose, Minyu-yah. And you're also hurting. Some roads are more painful than others, but necessary. Do you think doing this was necessary?" I question and she sighs.

"Yes," is her answer. "I just wish it hadn't been like this."

I reach out to grab her hand, pulling it away from the cup and giving it a gentle squeeze.

"He'll be fine. It might take time but he'll be fine, just like you'll be fine," I tell her, reminding her of what she said before.

She looks at me, her eyes filled with sadness and gratitude.

"Oppa, thank you for always being by my side, even if it's hard for you."

I smile at her and raise our hands to my lips. I place a kiss on the back of hers. "That's what you do for the people you love. You sacrifice for them, you support them. You put them first, even if that causes you pain. Even if that hurts them, you do it because you want the best for them in the long term."

She looks down for a moment and I know she's thinking, questioning how much she loved Taekyung and she's also pondering how much he loved her. I don't doubt he indeed loved her… I just think he loves himself more and that he didn't love her enough.

"You deserve someone who loves you that way, the way you love, Oppa," she states and I feel my heart squeezing because I know she doesn't mean her. It's in her eyes 

I shake my head, refusing to believe that. I don't care if she can't love me the way I love her or as much as I love her, I just want her to love me, even a little bit. I'm content with even a piece of her heart. It gives me the chance to hope and work to get more, to never take her for granted, to always fight for her.

"Just a bit… love me a little bit," I whisper and now she's the one squeezing my hand.

"You deserve more than that," she complains and I keep shaking my head.

"Just a bit. I'll work hard, I'll do my best for that bit to grow and grow but I need you to take that first step."

"Oppa," she says and fear paralyses me, dread runs in my veins.

Here comes again, the rejection, the heartbreak and it's going to be worse, it's going to be ruthless this time because I had hopes. I had more hopes than before.

Being an optimistic is a bad choice.

"I'll see you home," I say before she can utter the words that'll shatter my heart and soul. "You need to take rest properly. There's work tomorrow!" I stand up and turn on my heels, ready to leave. She calls me softly but I ignore her. "Come on, you don't want me to come back too late, right?" I look at her over my shoulder and she shakes her head before she rises to her feet and follows me.

I know I'm being coward, that I'm running away and postponing the heartbreak but aren't I allowed even that? Can't I get at least prepared this time? Can't I get a break before I expose myself for the final blow? I'm not asking that much.

I drive in silence, I don't even dare to look at her and I drop her at home in the same awkward silence. I don't even go inside when she asks me if I want to come in. I just shake my head and bid her goodnight. But I don't drive home, instead I stay in my car, waiting… waiting.

And then it comes, the first wave of pain, anger, frustration and defeat. They wash over me, wrap me, shake me and leave me there, like an open wound.

I hit the steering wheel and scream at the top of my lungs. I curse my luck, I shout in agony because I'm tired, I'm so tired of this destiny. She can't love me even a little bit. Even that it's too much for her. She's not with Taekyung anymore but she doesn't want to be with me.

Why? Why me? Why do I have to love her this much? Am I supposed only to suffer from this one-sided love? No wonder why people call it the most painful kind of love.

After ten minutes crying my anger and pain, I melt against the steering wheel, I just lean on it like a dead body, spacing out. I don't know what else to do, how to manage this pain inside that's burning from the deep parts of my soul. It's time to give up, once and for all. Even I have a limit and I can't keep doing this.

I quit.

What is a happy ending without a bit of angst?

Bel, xx