Frantic

What do I do now? What do I do what do I do what do I do now?! Oh God! How do I explain this to her? I said I didn't want to take advantage of her state and make a move.

I kissed her.

That's making a move. That's taking advantage of the situation. I'm the worst. I can't just tell her I was joking or that it didn't mean anything because she knows me, she knows I would never do such a thing, even less to her. I would never play with her or her feelings.

I told her that I was over her and now she'll know I lied.

Oh God.

Maybe I can leave without saying a thing and avoid her.

No. I can't do that, I brought her here, I can't just leave her alone in this place.

Oh, this is so awkward. And she keeps staring at me, waiting. Her eyes are wide and is slightly parted. I get distracted for a second when my eyes focus on her lips.

I kissed her. Like so many times wanted to do; like so many times I dreamt of. I really kissed her and the panic I'm feeling is not letting me enjoy the moment.

I'm freaking out inside and seeing her so frozen is only making things worse.

"Oppa?" she asks, her voice a mere whisper and I feel a shiver going down my spine. "What--?"

"Mianhae, Go Minyu. I-I don't know what to say. I just…" I couldn't help myself, is the truth but I can't say that out loud.

"W-why?" she insists and I look around, desperate to find a hole where I can bury myself alive.

I screwed it up!

"Oppa, look at me," she calls me and I breathe in, clench my fists and turn to face her again. "You… You kissed me." It doesn't sound like an accusation.

"Yes," I confess. And I'm dying to kiss you again, slowly so I can really know what it feels like, I add in my mind. I sigh heavily. "Mianhae."

"Why?" she asks again and I wish she wouldn't because I can't explain it without confessing and I can't confess now. I can't bear another rejection. There's just so much my heart can take.

"Please don't ask me that now," I beg like a coward. "I know I shouldn't have kissed you, please accept my apology."

I close my eyes tightly, scared of what might happen next. Terrified that I'll lose her also as a friend.

But I feel arms wrapping around my waist and then her body next to mine. I open my eyes and her face is resting in my chest. I can't move, I can't breathe but my heart races and hurts my ribcage with its strong beats. She'll hear it.

"Mianhae," she says and I can only blink in confusion.

"What? Why are you apologising?" I inquire because I was the one who acted impulsively.

"Because you look in pain," she replies and my heart races even more. She'll definitely hear it and I won't have another option but to confess. "Am I the one causing you pain?"

Don't, don't do this, Minyu. Please, I beg in my mind because yes, she’s hurting me but she doesn't do it on purpose. I can't force her to return my feelings.

"Minyu, please, don't do this to me," I whine but she hugs me tighter. My hands don't know what to do, whether to hug her back or to push her away. I stay in put.

"I'll tell you a secret and then you tell me one," I'm confused at the deal. "When you feel your heart is going to burst out of your chest, when you can’t control it and you feel overwhelmed all you have to do is press your nose, just like this," she says and pulls back to show me the secret. She presses her nose like she's done before, looking like a cute pig.

So that's what it means…

"Try it," she says and then her hand is on my chest, on top of my beating heart. I knew she could hear it.

Hesitantly I take my hand to my face and press my nose. She rewards me with a dashing smile.

"And if that doesn't work, you have to close your eyes and take deep breaths. You'll heart calm down," she promises just like I did before. "Try it."

I don't know why but I comply, I close my eyes and take deep breaths. I don't know what she's planning and I'm too dumbfounded as to fully process what all this means.

My heart skips a beat when I feel a soft pressure on my lips. My eyes snap wide open and I see her, millimetres away from me. Kissing me.

Minyu pulls back and smiles sweetly at me but she's blushing, she's blushing furiously and I'm not sure if my own heart is pounding blood to the rest of my body.

"S-see? Now… Now you don't have to apologise or feel bad about it because I did the same," she laughs but her voice is shaking and her breathing is heavy. "We are even."

I only blink because I'm not capable of uttering a word. She implied… She just implied that her heart was beating for me, when we were together. She was pressing her nose like this at the Ferris wheel and a while ago because her heart was racing.

I made her heart race.

Am I dreaming? Is this another of those dreams in which Minyu finally sees I'm good for her and that no one will ever love her like I do?

She switches her weight from one foot to the other, nervous as she waits. Waits for me to do something. I have to do something.

"Minyu…" I breathe out and she looks at me intensely. I can't read her expression, I can barely hear my thoughts over the sound of my heartbeats. "Let me say this in advance… Mianhae."

She barely has time to frown in confusion when I step forward and take her face in my hands just a second before I kiss her again. I feel her tense in response and her hands fly to my wrists, ready to push me away. But she doesn't and I stay where I am, kissing her.

I close my eyes and allow myself to feel, to enjoy this moment because I'm kissing her, I'm really kissing her. Her warm and soft lips that taste so sweet, I'm kissing those lips. And she melts against my body, I feel it, so my arms sneak around her and pull her closer as her own hands rest on my chest. And I deepen the kiss, softly tempting her, coaxing her to kiss me back.

And she does.

If this is a dream, it's the sweetest and best dream I've ever had and I don't want to wake up. Let me live in this moment forever.

She pulls back, though, to catch her breath and I do the same, yet my arms stay around her, keeping her next to me. I put our foreheads together and keep taking deep breaths.

"Mianhae," I say and she chuckles. Maybe she thinks I'm apologising for the kiss but that's not the case. I already apologised for that. "I lied. When I said it was okay, when I said we are only friends. I lied because I haven't got over you. Because I still feel the same way, more strongly even. I lied because… sarangheyo."

*dies* 

Bel, xx