Through Muddy Water

Chapter 9: I Can't Forget

Shortly after JiHoo arrived, WooBin returned with arms full of food. YiJung was pleased to have all of his friends together for dinner, even if it was only take-out shared in a hospital room. The smell of food and sound of gentle conversation from his friends was a welcome end to a long day.

 “GaEul,” YiJung rubbed the slumbering girl’s shoulder gently.

“YiJung-ah?”  She sleepily murmured as he swept her long bangs from her face.

“Ne,” he whispered.

As if electrocuted by the sound of his voice, she jolted awake. “Gwenchana?”

“Ne, gwenchana.” He replied in a calm voice as he smoothed out the ruffled pieces that were sticking out from the top of her hair. “Everything’s okay.” She relaxed a bit, letting her cheek rest against his hand. Her skin was smooth under his fingertips and he melted inside as she leaned into his touch. “JunPyo and JiHoo are here now and they brought food. You must be hungry, we didn’t have lunch.”

“Ah, so embarrassing!” Her eyes widened at the guests and she pulled away, turning from the group and covering her face.

“Anyo, you look beautiful,” he assured her, pulling her hands away and giving her a quick kiss on the forehead. That seemed to help as she smiled and greeted the rest of the F4 with her normal confidence.

The aroma of the food made his stomach grumble, he hadn’t realized how hungry he really was. Now that the first treatment was over, the butterflies that had occupied his belly all morning were gone. Surprisingly, he was feeling pretty good despite being a little tired.

“So when do you get out of here?” JunPyo asked as he helped WooBin lay out the food.

“Tomorrow morning.”

“That’s good, right.”

 “Yeah, then Tuesday again. But I won’t have to stay overnight next time because I’ll be an outpatient from now on.” He reached across to grab a two pairs of chopsticks as he spoke. Breaking the first apart, he rubbed them together to remove any splinters before passing them to GaEul who blushed again and turned away from the group. It was cute, her newfound awkwardness in front of the F4. After all, it was the first time they were officially declared themselves a couple.

“We can work out a schedule, so you don’t have to be alone during the treatments.”

He found he was aware of the fact that his friends weren’t referencing the chemotherapy ashis treatment yet. It was frustrating to know how much worry and distress he was causing them. “Anyo, I don’t want to interfere with you guys’ busy schedules. I’ll be alright,” he murmured quickly filling his mouth with rice.

“Ya, even if it’s to keep you from being bored.” JunPyo mumbled, also with cheeks full of food.

“Ne, we want to.” JiHoo and WooBin agreed sincerely.

GaEul was smiling and he felt a smile slip across his lips too. “Araso.” He looked around at the spread, chewing. “This looks good WooBin, thank you.”

“Ne, it’s nice to sit down with everyone.”

The conversation was casual, but not quite as relaxed as usual. He wasn’t sure, but he thought he saw JunPyo and JiHoo avoiding eye contact. Ever since JiHoo had arrived, both men had been stiffer than usual. Whatever it was, a feud or just uncomfortable feelings with the current situation, he figured it would work itself out eventually. Opening his own chopsticks, he tried to lighten the mood.

“What are we doing tomorrow?”

“Bwoh?” The guys all looked at him, mouths practically hanging open.

“What are we going to do? YiJung actually wants to do something on a weekend?”

“Ya, I’m not like JiHoo.” YiJung insisted.

“Ya, YiJung.” JiHoo shot back with fake anger.

“Anyo, you just like your alone time,” he laughed in reply. “I’ve been away from you all for years. It’s time to make up for that.” This statement was met with nods and smiles of enthusiasm.

“Araso. YiJung and I make our own schedules so that’s good. What about you guys?” WooBin asked as he helped himself to more dinner.

“I have evening shift tomorrow so I can do something during the day.” JiHoo added with a smile.

“Consider all my day meetings cancelled.” JunPyo quickly spit out, glancing at JiHoo uneasily. YiJung frowned at the look, unsure of exactly what was going on. He hated being left out of the loop and he knew they were only doing that because he was sick.

WooBin jumped on the empty silence, pushing the conversation along. “Well YiJung, you’ll be discharged at ten and you’ll want to go home and get cleaned up and unpacked, right?”

He nodded, slipping his hand under the table and interlacing his fingers with GaEul’s so she didn’t feel left out of the conversation. She smiled at him with her beautiful eyes. He could never get enough of those eyes. How did I get so lucky?

“So, lunch together?” JunPyo proposed, interrupting their moment.

“Ne, sounds good.” Everyone else agreed looking the happiest they’d been all day. “YiJung?”

“Sounds like a plan.”

A sharp rap on the door startled JunPyo who practically dumped his plate across his lap when he jumped. They all snickered loudly, almost drowning out the petite nurse who had entered the room.

“Excuse me, I hate to have to do this but visiting hours are coming to a close.”

“Ya, but he’s VIP.” JunPyo began to protest before JiHoo gave him a look that clearly told him to shut up.

The nurse looked down at her shoes, red in the face. “Mianhe, but-“

“Anyo,” WooBin stepped in rising. “We’ve all had a long day. Let’s give YiJung a break. Besides, you guys have a lot on your plates as well.” He knew the last part was thrown in so that he didn’t feel embarrassed, that was classic WooBin for you. He gave the nurse a friendly wave of thanks and saw her blushing before she quickly exited. Even after living in Sweden for so long, he was still well known in his home country

“Yo, couldn’t you be any nicer?” WooBin chided JunPyo

“She was going to kick us out. Nobody kicks anybody out unless I say its okay.” He indignantly replied, still eating despite as the other two men cleaned up.

JiHoo stood up quietly, throwing the last of the to-go trays in the trash. “I’ll be leaving first.”

“Araso.”

JunPyo also rose and to YiJung it looked like he was anxious to leave ahead of JiHoo. “Anyo I’ll be leaving first. Mr. Jung is waiting.”

He nodded, waving goodbye to them both and thanking them for stopping by. Both men exited quickly although neither said a word and although nobody mentioned it, there was a sturdy wall between them. He had no time to dwell upon it however as WooBin and GaEul were also packing their things.

“We’ll see you tomorrow afternoon, ne?”

“Ne. They said the paperwork should be done by nine.”

“Araso.” WooBin’s face was hesitant. “It wouldn’t be a problem for me to-“

“Anyo, go home. You’ve been here all day.”

“Ne.” Woobin carefully cleaned up the rest of the mess, tossing in the trash by the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow then.”

 “Oh, WooBin-ah-“ he blurted as WooBin turned the doorknob.

“Ne.”

“Komawo.”

He nodded, the corners of his mouth twitching with just the smallest hint of a smile before leaving the couple alone. GaEul approached the bed slowly. YiJung knew she didn’t want to leave and part of him wanted her to stay as well, be he knew it was better for both of them this way. He would spend all night just watching her and feeling her presence beside him and she would stay up all night worrying.

“Are you sure you won’t be lonely?” She asked, her fingers firmly locked between his.

He gave her a gentle smile. “I’ll always miss you, every time you’re not here.” Gosh he was turning into a sap. He used to be the cool Casanova, but for her it was worth it to change.

“I could stay.”

“Anyo, I’ll be alright.” He felt bad for making her worry so much. “I’ll probably read a little and then sleep.”

“Chincha?”

He nodded, kissing her hand. “Ne. How about this, I’ll wait for you to call me before you sleep. Then I can tell you goodnight properly.”  He pulled her near, pressing his lips to her forehead and closing his eyes. The way she fit so perfectly by his side was so natural it was an unnatural feeling for him. He felt her hand slide gently from his as she reluctantly pulled away and his lips tasted cold air.

“Aneong.” Her voice was light and airy and her scent floated around him and he held his breath hoping it would linger. Sinking back against the pillows he kept his eyes closed, drifting on the edge of sleep and waiting for the phone to ring.

***

The air was cooler outside the building, a welcome change from the heat and stuffiness of the hospital. Happy to be free of the relatively cheerful, but still strained environment of YiJung’s room, he watched the tall figure striding away silently ahead of him.

“Ya, JunPyo.” With his long legs and large stride, he caught up to the head of Shinwah easily, reaching out to grab his attention.

“What do you want?” The reply was colder than he expected but he knew that  with JunPyo the cold exterior was a coverup for some other strong emotion he was suppressing.”

“Just- talk to me for a second.”

“It’s not like you actually care.” The words were a slap across the face as they looked each other straight in the eyes.

“JanDi- she’s worried about you.”

JiHoo saw his fists clench tightly at his fiancée’s name. He realized it wasn’t the best way to start this conversation, but he had promised her he’d try to talk to him. “She called to ask me to speak to you because she’s worried about you,” he continued. “I’m worried about you. I know you have a lot going on and-“

“Do you love her?” The question was thrown out there quickly and hung in the air like some sort of ominous dark cloud before a storm.

“JunPyo.”

“Do you?” His gaze was practically boring a hole into JiHoo’s eyes. The young doctor felt his mouth go dry knowing the answer and what response it would illicit.

“Yes or no.” There was noticeable restraint in JunPyo’s voice.

“Yes.” JiHoo admitted quietly, bracing himself for the retaliation. Instead however, the other man relaxed slightly, taking a few steps back with a sigh.

“Well at least you were up front about it.” He stood, absentmindedly scuffing the bottom of his shoe against the sidewalk before continuing. “JiHoo, I know I was gone and she needed you to be there when I couldn’t. It’s just-“

“JunPyo.”

“Anyo, let me finish.”

“I waited so long to be with her, thought about it day and night. And finally I get home and for a few days it was perfect. Everything was perfect and then… YiJung.” He turned his head away and JiHoo with sickening realization, suspected he was fighting the urge to cry. “Suddenly there’s this serious thing but after so long we don’t know how to talk about it- we can’t talk about it.” He paused, taking a long, slow breath as if to center his thoughts before continuing.

“You were my best friend. You were supposed to be going through this with me, supposed to be someone I could talk to. But how can I talk comfortably to someone so close to my fiancée.

 “JunPyo, listen closely. JanDi- I’m her best friend. You’re her fiancée. She never once stopped talking about you, never once looked at me like that. We had our chance and she chose you. When she calls on me it’s because I’m her best friend; she knows how to talk to me. She wants to talk to you but she doesn’t know how to.” He paused to peer at JunPyo’s tearstained face but he waved for him to continue, hiding behind his upturned collar.

“You don’t know how to talk to her but you can talk to me. Aren’t I your best friend too?”

“JiHoo,” he shook his head. “When I came home, I was anxious to share my experiences with you. But there I was in the middle of it all, trying to maintain my company, and understand YiJung’s diagnosis- alone. I’m there, waiting for one of you guys to ask me if I’m alright. I was waiting for you to be my best friend, to be confused and frustrated and scared with me not accusing me. I came home and I don’t even know how to process this, any of this and you-“ He stopped there, hands jammed into his pockets, shaking with frustration and fear and anger.

The air was suddenly quiet, silence aded the parking lot and JiHoo shifted uncomfortably. Although he had become better at this sort of conversation since JanDi came into his life, this was definitely not his strong suit. Quietly, so quietly that it was almost a whisper; he managed to form a sentence.

“I can’t forget.”

“Forget what?”

“The night you saved my life.”

“What does that have to do with anything?”

“Just- listen. I thought you were dying and I was calling for you to answer me, to say something, to just stay awake. And there you were in my arms, telling me in what I thought was your last sentence that I was the only one you’d give her to.”

He had worried about what to say but he found once he started, the rest came tumbling out like a stream flowing downhill. JunPyo was intently watching him and it was now JiHoo’s turn to fight tears.

“And I knew she was waiting for you, that she was yours, and that we’d never have what she has with you. For four years I stood next to her watching her pine for only you. And the whole time I just couldn’t forget those words… ‘It has to be you’. You could be dying and you were concerned about her and I couldn’t even be selfish and say that I wanted you to live for me. I wanted you to live for her so that she wouldn’t have to live without you.”

JunPyo was pacing now, small steps back and forth.

“Mianhe JunPyo. Mianhe.” JiHoo felt his breaths coming quicker and he felt the water escaping from his eyes. “Somewhere along the line I fell in love with her, yes. But I could never forget that I want her to be with you. I tried so hard- I wanted to forget. I hate myself for being so stupid and because of that I had resentful feelings. Mianhe… mianhe.” He wiped his nose with his sleeve not even caring. His stomach was in knots, sick with worry and guilt.

“Yah…” JunPyo grabbed him sharply by the arm, tugging him forward and turning him to face him. With one hand on each of his shoulders he looked at him with eyes that were also full of fault. “JiHoo, Gwaenchana. I didn’t know what your thinking was. I was afraid of losing her because those years away were torture. It was like part of me was gone and when things weren’t perfect when I came home- I lost my confidence. I was afraid and I pushed those feelings on you.”

“It feels so wrong.” JiHoo lamented as the two stepped away from each other, both standing side by side and looking up at the stars.

“YiJung?” JunPyo guessed at the same time JiHoo said the name.

“Ne. YiJung’s the one going through this terrible situation and yet our troubles still seem so important to us regardless.”

“Friendships are important. Now we can move ahead and be back to supporting him one hundred percent.”

The sky was as clear as the air and the pain of the diagnosis was settling in, replacing the torn feelings they had just released. JiHoo shivered despite the heat, thoughts now muddled for a completely different reason.

“He seemed alright tonight. I think I had worked myself into expecting worse.”

 “Ne. It’s only the first day.” JiHoo replied, biting his tongue to refrain from finishing his stream of thoughts. It gets worse. Being a medical student made it incredibly difficult to cope with this sort of thing. He couldn’t erase what he had learned, what he knew was in store as the treatment progressed.

“You know, YiJung’s strong.  He’ll be alright.”

I hope you’re right JunPyo. His mind was slowing now, fatigue settling in. He knew YiJung was strong, but the whole situation was just so-

“I hate the uncertainty.”

They were back to thinking on the same page and it took all the energy he had to respond.

“Me too JunPyo, me too.”

***