So it's like 1:30am and I have an 8:00 class tomorrow... Oh well, I really wanted to get this update out because I have an exam Friday and then two exams and two projects due next week so I probably shouldn't write much in the next week and a half. Enjoy!

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Through  Muddy Water

Chapter 16: I Can't Fall Apart

On the morning of his third treatment he awoke feeling extremely itchy.

Scratching the back of his neck, YiJung felt what he didn’t need to see against his dark sheets to know it was there. The evidence of the chemo had been lingering between the teeth of his comb for several days not but now it was worse- spreading onto his pillowcase and beneath the neck of his t-shirt. Shuffling to the bathroom he stared at himself in the mirror for a few moments, taking in the fact that he already looked thinner than before. With one hand he covered his bangs, trying to picture himself without hair. It scared him a little.

Not knowing what else to do with himself, he called WooBin.

“Yobesyo?”

“It’s falling out. Really falling out.” He felt the need to justify his alarm for some reason.

There was a pause on the other line before his friend responded.  “We knew it was going to happen sooner or later.” There was another pause.  “Gwaenchana?”

“Yeh.” He replied, not really sure what else to say. He wasn’t not okay.

“Your appointment isn’t for another few hours. I’ll come early so get yourself ready, araso?”

He felt a little better because he knew if he stayed alone he’d spend the whole time hung up in front of the mirror. At least with WooBin he would have a distraction.

“Araso.” There was a soft click and he was gone.

Peeling off his clothes he rummaged in the cabinet for a patch to cover his catheter with. Like a father, WooBin had trained him into a daily routine and these things were slowly becoming second nature. Letting the hot water roll over his body he stood beneath the flow for a long time thinking about nothing in particular.

He didn’t wash his hair- he was afraid to make things worse. It was stupid, he knew but he wanted to avoid looking like a cancer patient as long as possible. As long as he looked alright he could feel alright. Stepping from the shower, he paused before the fogged up mirror. His finger lingered over the surface, lightly tracing characters in the mist. Cancer. It was still a foreign word really- not something he fully could grasp. He scratched it out aggressively and left the room without a second look.

He’d just finished wrestling on an undershirt when he heard familiar footsteps. He stepped out into the hall. “I forgot you have a spare key.”

WooBin smiled. “You’ve still got mine too if you haven’t lost it.”

“Anyo, I have it.” He’d made sure he knew where it was ever since the night on the bridge. There hadn’t been any incidents since then but he felt safer knowing he could get into WooBin’s place if needed.

“Shall we…?“ WooBin got straight to the point.

“Ne.”

“Araso.”

YiJung tried to get comfortable as the prince spread a towel across his shoulders. “You’re sure about this.”

“Yeh, I don’t want to deal with the mess.”

WooBin nodded, combing out the back of his hair gently. “You can probably pull off shorter hair no problem anyways.”

YiJung wrinkled his forehead unhappily. He could imagine how many hairs were disappearing even with such a light touch. He hated short hair but it was better than the uneven, patchy mess that was looming overhead.

“You know, JiHoo’s much better at this than I am.”

“I trust you enough.” He replied.

“Well I’m flattered but I can’t guarantee a perfect result,” he laughed, beginning to snip small sections in the back.

YiJung closed his eyes trying not to listen to the sound. “GaEul noticed.”

“Bwoh?”

“That I was feeling tired yesterday. She told me it was okay.” He twiddled his fingers beneath the towel absentmindedly.

“See I told you she’d understand.”

“I’d like to try and believe that.” He admitted rather dejectedly.

“I think she can handle more than you think.” WooBin murmured, t the long sections by his ears carefully.

He sighed. “I hope I can handle more than I think.”

“Ya, don’t say such foolish things.”

YiJung looked down.

“Ya! Don’t move unless you want to lose an ear!”

“Mian.”

Frustratedly WooBin put the scissors down on the counter with a loud clack. “Trust me YiJung-ah, you’re stronger than you think.”

YiJung didn’t answer, but began counting tiles on the floor. He didn’t want to listen to anyone scolding him for being afraid.

“Just… hold still, I’m almost done.” His tone had returned to being gentler this time, patient and comforting.

YiJung had no idea how his friend was keeping it all together but he didn’t question it. As far as security went, he simply felt safer with WooBin around.

“Done!”

“Ah chincha.”

“Looks alright, ne?”

“Ne, gwaenchana.” It wasn’t a lie, it looked fine for sure. It just felt… wrong. The whole morning felt eerily wrong.

***

They were three hours in when JiHoo stopped by at the end of his shift. He handed his friend a coffee, taking a drink of his own as they stood by the door. “How ‘s it going?”

WooBin looked a bit hassled. “A little rough today. He admitted to feeling a bit sick earlier. He’s not saying anything but I think he’s still fighting some nausea now.

JiHoo looked over at YiJung who had headphones threaded into his ears and his eyes closed. “It should be controllable with the medication for now. Is he asleep?”

“Anyo, just resting.”

JiHoo looked at the clock. “Do you want me to pick up GaEul or are you going to go.”

“If you could do it, I’d rather be here in case he needs anything.” He paused to apologize to the young doctor. “I know you’ve had a long night- mian.”

“Anyo. You’re doing what you need to.” JiHoo replied, clapping him on the shoulder reassuringly. “Stay here, I won’t be long.”

“Araso.”

After JiHoo left, WooBin wandered over to the potters bedside.

“YiJung-ah,” he spoke quietly, “GaEul’s on her way from school.”

YiJung stirred slightly, reaching up and pulling his headphone from his ear.

“Bwoh?”

“JiHoo-ah just went to pick up GaEul.”

“Ah, ne.” He yawned, stretching his arms.

“How are you feeling, still nauseous?”

WooBin saw his face pale at the question. “Please don’t talk about it.”

“Mian. Do you want me to get you anything?”

He shook his head negatively looking rather unhappy. “I’ll be fine.”

WooBin nodded. “Just a few more hours and we’ll go home,” he promised. “And GaEul’s coming soon,” he added trying to brighten his friend’s spirits.

A small smile escaped the potter’s lips. WooBin knew it would, it seemed the only thing that could instantly change his moods nowadays.

As if on cue, JiHoo and GaEul returned twenty minutes later. Still in her teaching clothes, WooBin was struck by how much older she looked than he had remembered from the weekend.

“Anneyong!” she greeted brightly, halting just short of the bed.

“Oh YiJung… your hair!”

“Ne.” He touched it lightly. “Is it alright?”

“It’s just… different.” Her smiled seemed to dim as she surveyed it. He knew what she was thinking because he thought the same thing when he had finished the cut. He’s starting to look sicker.

WooBin saw the disappointment in his eyes at her reaction.

“It grows on you, it really does.” JiHoo commented, taking a seat with a smile.

GaEul put up a smile as well, approaching the bed and leaning over to give YiJung a hug. WooBin saw him shift uncomfortably beneath her embrace. He wondered if it was time to call a nurse.

“Uh,GaEul,” YiJung murmured, “can you let go?”

“Oh.” She let go, stepping back. This time is was her looking hurt.

“Ani… It’s not-“ he sighed, conflicted as what to say. WooBin nodded at him to just be honest.

“I’m just- not feeling that well today. It’s not you, araso?”

“Oh.” Her face shifted to one of concern laced with fear.

“Please don’t worry, gwaenchana,” He insisted, taking her hand in his. “The medication will help soon.”

“How was your day at school?” WooBin offered, stepping in to diffuse the negative feelings.

“Oh, it was alright. Today was show and tell and we had one student who is actually quite talented on the violin Sunbae.”

“Ah chincha?”

“Ne. I was so surprised. He’s so small to use his fingers so well.”

“It is quite difficult at a young age.” JiHoo recalled fondly. “What did he play?”

“It was a little girl’s birthday so he played Happy Birthday for her. I think he has a crush.” She smiled at the though. “Keyopta.”

“Sounds like someone we knew back in the day.” JiHoo laughed, jerking his head in YiJung’s direction. “Although at that age believe it or not, WooBin might have given him a run for his money.”

“You guys just love to tell GaEul what a strange kid I was growing up, don’t you.”

“Anyo, It doesn’t change how I see you Sunbae.”

“WooBin-ah.” YiJung turned pale and sat up suddenly looking rather panicked. “I think I-”

Instinctively, WooBin quickly held a nearby basin beneath his chin as the potter got sick “Araso, araso… gwaenchana, just breathe.” He murmured as he rubbed YiJung’s back trying to comfort him. It had been a long time since he’d thrown up but he could remember enough to know how unpleasant it was.

Beside him, JiHoo had risen too, filling a glass of water and passing it to him along with a handful of tissues. He pressed the glass into YiJung’s hand so that he could rinse out his mouth.

When it was over, YiJung leaned back against the pillows. “Don’t worry, I’m alright.”

GaEul was frozen in the corner, hands at in shock. She nodded slowly, keeping her distance as if her presence would make things worse.

WooBin hoped that was the only bout they’d have to deal with but five minutes later when he bolted upright again he found himself praying for it to pass quickly. YiJung’s eyes watered as he looked over at his girlfriend between heaves.

She was pressed as far against the wall as you could get, still like a deer caught in the headlights. was open and her breaths came quick and short. “Mian, I-I- I have to leave. I can’t…” She suddenly fled the room in tears.

“GaEul.” YiJung moaned looking up.

“She’ll be back.” WooBin replied, wiping his face with a towel.

“Ani…” he weakly fought WooBin’s grip on his shoulders, straining to get up.”

“Just relax,” he ordered, keeping his hold.

YiJung threw up a fourth time, knuckles white against the basin. When it was over he winced, but continued pleading with them like a crazy person. “WooBin-ah… Jebal…”

JiHoo looked took the basin from WooBin’s hands.  “He’s not going to let it go. You go after her, I’ll stay.”

Looking at YiJung who silently pleaded with his eyes bloodshot from being sick he cursed, throwing down the towel. “Alright I’ll go, but relax now araso?”

He nodded, turning green again as JiHoo took over.

WooBin left before he could change his mind.  In the moment, he didn’t know why but he was suddenly angry. He was angry that his friend was sick, angry that the drugs didn’t work to stop the pain, angry that cancer even existed.

Right now though he was most angry that the one person who needed less agony in his life was being hurt by a coward of a girl.  When he saw her around the corner, instead of comforting her he rounded on her.

“Ya!” He angrily shouted down the hall.

She turned, eyes glassy and cheeks stained with tears.

“Jeongmal? He’s in there, sick, and you can’t even hold in your feelings long enough for him not to notice? He needs to be worried about himself right now, not you. Did you even think about someone other than yourself back there. You selfish little-“

“Song WooBin!” a voice bellowed behind him.

He spun on heel to face JanDi and a fuming JunPyo who’s fists were clenched.

“That’s enough.”

Stumbling backwards against the wall he looked over at the object of his rage. GaEul was curled into the wall, her small frame shaking with sobs.

“I- want- to- go- home.”

JanDi rushed to her friend, covering her as if to shield her from him.

“Take her home.” JunPyo ordered, keeping his eyes on WooBin.

“Come,” JanDi soothed, walking her broken friend down the hall quickly. “It will be okay.”

“I-I-I-“ WooBin stuttered.

“If- you- ever-“ JunPyo hissed, staring him down menacingly.

“JunPyo.” JiHoo called from the door of the room. “Never mind that. I need you to stay with YiJung while I get the doctors to give him more anti-nausea medication.”

As JunPyo oblidged, WooBin instinctively followed. JiHoo threw out an arm, stopping him.

“Stay there. There’s no sense in going in when you’re like this.”

“But I-“

“Anyo. Listen WooBin, I’ll say this once. I know that besides YiJung, this has been hardest for you. I don’t blame you for feeling hurt but that can’t happen. She’s afraid and it’s not her fault she’s afraid. I think you’re afraid too even though you’ve been the strongest one here. Find someone to talk to- anyone but don’t bottle it up or you’ll need to step back. I’ll make sure you step back.”

WooBin was speechless. He slid down the wall to the floor, resting his spinning head in his hands. “Oh god I didn’t even…”

JiHoo touched him on the shoulder ever so lightly. “Take a few moments and gather yourself. Then come back in the room. He’s going to need his best friend.”

As his footsteps echoed down the hall, WooBin was left with the confusion of what had just happened. Gritting his teeth he pounded a fist against the floor.

I can’t fall apart now, not when YiJung needs me.

***

I'm sorry it's kind of a depressing chapter. I read over it and was so sad :(
Anyhow, there's a lot that's going to start happening now so it should move a bit faster. Thanks so much for continuing to support me! I really hope I can maybe give you guys an update before the next week. I might use this fic as a study break/reward for getting things done keke...
Thoughts, comments? It might inspire the story :)