9. A Love Poem

Yongguk felt miserable when he woke up from his slumber and he remembered about what had happened the night before. The shattering confession from Daehyun and he had run away and left him alone in the dark again. For someone who could write his life away in lyrics, he never knew what to say to those who meant the most to him. He had gone and slept with two other members and every time they didn’t work out because Yongguk didn’t say enough. Daehyun, who he finally settled down with, despite his rambling mouth, was actually a pretty peaceful being. He liked the quiet and Yongguk liked not talking. He only spoke when he had something to say.

                And sometimes, when he didn’t know what to say, he ran away. That’s why he and Himchan didn’t work out. Himchan was head over heels in love with Yongguk and Yongguk too thought he would be the one for him. But, unlike with Daehyun, he noticed Himchan’s eating problem and yet he didn’t speak a word. He didn’t offer comfort and during he’d feel Himchan’s waist get slimmer and slimmer as time went on and he didn’t know what to do. Once Himchan finally asked for help, Yongguk asked him what he needed help with, and Himchan was furious.

                He yelled and yelled and asked if Yongguk hadn’t noticed a thing about him. Yongguk said he had, but he didn’t know what to do. That made Himchan even more pissed off because how could he of watched him deteriorate and not say a word. That’s when they broke it off. Himchan said he couldn’t have a boyfriend who didn’t show him any love when he’s at his lowest. Yongguk apologized, but he didn’t really feel much. He just went back to work because he knew that he couldn’t stop. He just didn’t know what to do about it and then he watched Himchan cling to Jongup and he didn’t know where either of them were any more. He wanted to care, but he was still bitter.

                In fact, he was so bitter that he moved on to Junhong, who had shown interest in the older since day one. It all happened so swiftly with them. First it was car ride cuddling and then they shared rooms without permission in the hotel. Junhong would sneak in when everyone else was asleep and the talking turned to touching, and the touching turned to , and then the rest just fell into place. Junhong was learning what love was with Yongguk but Yongguk was staring the abyss right in the eyes and the abyss stared back. He knew this was jail time for him and therapy for Junhong. This couldn’t have been healthy for a boy so young. He was mature, but Yongguk still felt like he was taking advantage of him. He was doing this for the sake of revenge, and Himchan didn’t even bat an eye.

                It lasted a few months before Yongguk sat the boy down and he looked him in the eyes and he told him the truth. He said that he did like Junhong though, and that wasn’t a lie, but he said he couldn’t bring himself to love him. Junhong just nodded along, but Yongguk could tell he was breaking inside. His eyes shone with a gloss of tears over them and he sniffled back his cries. He was going to be a big kid and take this like a man. When Yongguk left the room though and shut the door, it took no more than a few seconds for Junhong to lose it. The room was destroyed from the anger that was pent up inside him and they never looked at each other quite the same again.

                It wasn’t until Yongguk was writing lyrics one night and Daehyun was looming over him. He said the words were all wrong for a love song, and he asked Yongguk if he had ever been in love, and Yongguk spilled it all for no reason at all other than someone would listen to him. When he was done, he was panting because the words kept falling out, and Daehyun smiled and told him to channel all those feelings onto the paper and then he’d have the perfect love song.

                “But none of that was happy.” Yongguk said, and Daehyun shrugged. His body language showed that he wanted Yongguk so desperately, but he kept his distance. He wasn’t going to jump on something that was weak already.

                “Who said love always has to be happy?” Daehyun asked, and Yongguk snorted before mumbling ‘society’ and Daehyun laughed aloud.

                Many nights were spent like that and somewhere along the way they grew closer and closer and eventually, when Daehyun was falling asleep on the couch, Yongguk went and kneeled next to him and he his hair and gave him a kiss before Daehyun mumbled something around the lines of ‘finally’. Yongguk laughed, but now, as he sat in the spare bedroom alone, he wondered to himself if he could ever have moments like that again.

                He looked around for a pen and paper, and he decided to rip his heart out of himself and be honest for once and maybe write Daehyun a love poem. It didn’t have to be happy since love sometimes falters, but the feelings are cast iron and Yongguk wasn’t going to let himself ruin another relationship. He wanted this one to go on and on until the end of time. When the ink hit the page, the words began to flow and so did his tears and his heart shattered before him. By the time he was done, half of it was illegible because everything was smeared and Yongguk wanted to hand it off, but he thought Daehyun wouldn’t like it.

                In actuality, Daehyun wouldn’t give a damn. Yongguk thought that some standard flowers would be a safer choice anyways.