10.Something You Hate

Daehyun wasn’t as open as he wanted to be with himself. He always felt lonely even when he was with friends and he didn’t want to be one of those cliché’s but he was, and he hated himself for that. Yongguk made him feel less alone, but he just felt weak sometimes, and he didn’t want to show that. Yongguk begged him to be more open at times, but he couldn’t bare laying himself out for everyone to look at him and judge him. He was alone in this self-battle and he had battled worse wars, but it still made him feel miserable because this directly affected Yongguk. He’d ask how Daehyun was doing and Daehyun could and would say he was fine no matter how he was really feeling. For all Yongguk could have known, Daehyun was on the brink of tears his whole life and he’d never let a soul know. Daehyun hated himself more than he should have, and Yongguk didn’t know why. That hurt him. He wanted to understand Daehyun but he needed to just open up.

                Sometimes he’d sit Daehyun down at the kitchen table and ask him if he was doing fine, and Daehyun would put his face into his hands and sigh. He’d run them though his hair and his body shook, but then he’d look up with a forced smile and tell Yongguk that everything was just peachy. Yongguk also hated that about Daehyun. He knew he shouldn’t hate anything about the person that he loved, but sometimes he was just frustrated with himself and he couldn’t bear to try and fix it because Daehyun seemed comfortable like that. In his little shell, Daehyun couldn’t be hurt. Yongguk knew how that felt and he didn’t want to peel that shell off of him because that was cruel and unusual punishment. They could work it out, Yongguk thought. He’d just have to have a heart to heart with Daehyun and then everything would be okay, right?

                Daehyun was busy waging wars on himself and Yongguk just wanted to reach a ceasefire but he was caught in the cross of it all. This wasn’t what he signed up for. When he fell in love with Daehyun he fell in love with the bubbly and loud one, but he also saw that there were days and weeks when Daehyun would just shut down. The old Daehyun would come out again though and everything would be okay but no matter how many times Yongguk told himself there is always sunshine after the rain, the waiting process was still miserable. Seeing Daehyun sink into a depression for no apparent reason every so often made him think he was doing something wrong. He even offered to get Daehyun medication or therapy or both but Daehyun denied. He said he’d make it through this storm with just an umbrella and a lot of hope but it wasn’t just thunder and lightning in Daehyun’s body.

                There was a torrential downpour and the Earth was shaking and the moon was falling down on him. He was drowning in his despair and he too didn’t know why he got like this. It could be something so small that would set him off and then he’d just sit and wallow in his self-pity and Yongguk would try to rescue him, but he kept drifting further and further away and then he’d hit land and find his way home. The process never ended, and he thought maybe it was normal for people to do this. He also thought he must have been really messed up. Daehyun never asked about it to a doctor or even to his manager when he was back in the industry. This, among other things, were things he kept to himself. And the more and more it stacked up, the more and more Daehyun hated himself. He hated waking up early and he wasn’t a fan of grape juice and he hated heights but most of all he hated himself.

                He decided he’d wake up early for the rest of his life and he’d drink grape juice on the daily and he’d live in space if it just meant he could be at peace with himself.  Daehyun wanted to know why he was so sad sometimes. He’d never know though. He also didn’t want to seek answers because he didn’t want to pay for some pills and that would fix him. He didn’t like the idea of being broken in the first place, so he’d live in ignorance. Daehyun was ignorant and in that there was bliss. He was able to find some bliss in his misery and that was good enough for him. Yongguk still thought that wasn’t okay, but this wasn’t about Yongguk. The two of them managed to work though it time after time but sometimes it was worse than others and then they were both rendered helpless.

                Days went on though and Daehyun’s smile would make more and more appearances. Yongguk would find him singing to himself and he was able to just move and be himself again. He’d talk when he got back from work and he even managed to go shopping which was a huge feat for him when he was that sad. Watching someone with depression, be it diagnosed or not, find a way to live comfortably with it and function with it too was magic in Yongguk’s eyes. To see someone go from rock bottom to midway made him so proud. Daehyun never got why they’d go out for dinner after his fits because he shouldn’t be rewarded. He needed to be punished, and Yongguk hated that about him too.

                He never felt like he deserved anything. That wasn’t true. Daehyun deserved the world. In Yongguk’s eyes, Daehyun was the world and he deserved the entire universe if that was the case. But first and foremost, Daehyun deserved happiness. Everyone, no matter how unhappy, deserved that at the least.