8.Something Personal

Daehyun felt a little like a fool when he sat down Yongguk on the couch and he told him something he normally wouldn’t have told anyone in his life if he didn’t think it mattered. Yongguk looked a little scared when Daehyun said they needed to talk because ordinarily that meant something like they were breaking up or taking a break or that he had cheated on Yongguk or something, but he didn’t think that was any of it. Daehyun didn’t look guilty, but he looked nervous and a little unsure of why he was even having this conversation with him. He fumbled with his hands and wrung them over and over and he picked at his hangnails until they bled. Yongguk had to go get him a Band-Aid before he even opened his mouth.

                When he did though, Yongguk realized why he was so scared. Recently, in the house, Yongguk had been making comments about how Daehyun had gained weight and he wished that he could do the same, but Yongguk was just always so skinny. He said that it was charming how there were stretch marks on his thighs now and Daehyun just told him to shut up and he looked a little uncomfortable, but he figured that was anyone’s normal reaction to being told they gained weight. With Daehyun, it was for an entirely other reason.

                When they still were touring, Daehyun had worked out a lot, and his arms got really big. He was proud of himself for having muscle and he wanted abs so desperately because the threat of having to lift up his shirt was always there. He worked tirelessly for them both, but once he got them, fans said he looked weird. They didn’t like it. Daehyun didn’t know why, but for the fans, he’d get rid of it.

                But it couldn’t go away fast enough. The muscle remained and he wanted to keep his abs but he still needed to be skinny, but you couldn’t do both. Daehyun knew if he gained weight the media would tear him to shreds, so he did what any reasonable person would do. When everyone was asleep, he’d put his big appetite to use and eat everything in sight. He’d down peanut butter jars and Yongguk’s precious packs of ramen would be devoured one after another. Daehyun would eat until he could eat no more, and then he’d hobble his way to the bathroom and sit in front of the toilet and look down into the water at his reflection, and then it would be gone as well as the food in his stomach.

                He read this made you weaker. Daehyun had convinced himself this was the only way, and that as long as he wasn’t caught, everything would be fine and dandy. But, it got worse. With the fat being lost, the skin started to sag, and he wanted it gone. He couldn’t just go to a plastic surgeon without it being all in the news that Jung Daehyun Of B.A.P Is a Wimpy Child Who Can’t Lose Weight Without Being a Pissbaby, so, instead of purging, he’d go into the bathrooms now and scrape away at his legs with a cheap gas station razor and bleed out the feeling of being disgusting.

                To be able to gain back the weight he had lost was comparable to climbing a mountain in his mind, and he didn’t need to be picked on for it. He knew Yongguk didn’t mean it like that, but it still hurt. The stretch marks were scars that would never fade, but they were battle wounds and he was proud to wear them. He had gotten though a silent fight with himself and he came out victorious. He never told a soul and no one, except maybe Junhong, knew about it. Junhong had once seen some blood on the floor and he asked Daehyun about it, and his face fell pale and he knew something was up, but that was the extent of the conversation. He continued to cut for months and even then, Daehyun still took refuge in binging and purging until his body was back to what he deemed normal.

                When Yongguk heard this all, he thought he too was going to throw up because as a leader he had failed to recognize that. He always thought Daehyun was eating normally and he never even began to think that his overstuffing was something much larger and much darker. Yongguk wished he could have caught on and all the intimate times he had kissed those scars, he hadn’t know what they were from. He bit them and told him he was beautiful and he ran his fingers across those ridges and not once did it cross his mind they were a little too pink, a little too deep and well placed for stretch marks. He got up from the couch and had to leave and he went and punched a wall.

                Daehyun didn’t mean for him to blame himself. He didn’t want to hurt anyone since he had hurt himself enough. He just wanted to share with him that information because he didn’t want Yongguk to make any more comments that made him feel like scum. But, that didn’t seem to happen. He had made Yongguk think this was all his fault when it had nothing to do with him. All the times Daehyun refused to eat or he ordered and extra portion, Yongguk was too wrapped up in his music to realize the love of his life was struggling. The apple of his eye was rotting right before him, and he took bites out of the forbidden fruit without a second glance and he loved the taste of something broken.

                They slept in separate rooms that night because Yongguk refused to allow Daehyun to sleep with someone who overlooked something so vital. Daehyun didn’t know why he would do that, because all he wanted then was someone to comfort him.