6. Family

“Four children?” Yongguk asked, a little miffed at the idea of four little humans, eight little feet, pattering all around the house on a rainy afternoon day. Daehyun nodded though and he didn’t even look up from his coffee.

                “Four children. I love kids, and I know you do too, and I think about starting a family with you sometimes Yongguk, and I don’t think four is an unreasonable amount considering both you and I wouldn’t have to put any work into creating them. I know adoption papers are a mess, but who’s to say we can’t do it?” Daehyun said as if it was like signing a check and putting it in the bank. This was talking about four lifetime commitments and Yongguk did love children, true, but he didn’t know if he could handle that many of them.

                “What about two? Two kids too is good, right? We aren’t even married. We don’t even really talk about marriage as much as it is and here you’re wanting to talk about adopting children?” Yongguk asked, and Daehyun did look up from his cup this time and he sighed out.

                “Look, do you want to talk about marriage then? We can settle down and then adopt kids and have a dog or whatever. I’m just saying my ideal number is four. We don’t have to have four kids, but it’d be nice. I want three boys and one girl. You said you wanted to adopt from Africa, right? I want kids from Korea because I think we need to work on our own problems too and maybe a kid from America.” Daehyun said, and Yongguk furrowed his brow.

                “We’re not shopping Daehyun. These are human lives and does it really matter what country they’re from as long as they get a nice home with a loving family?” he asked. Daehyun looked a little surprised by his statement, but he was right. He took a sip of the lukewarm coffee and nodded.

                “Yeah, that’s true. I’m sorry. I just, I get excited thinking about how cultured our family to be could be, and I want people to look on and think how accepting we are. No matter the kid that comes into our house, be it black, white, Asian, Hispanic… extraterrestrial, I’ll love them no matter what. But I don’t think it’s wrong to have dreams on what you want, is it?” Daehyun said, and Yongguk shrugged.

                “I don’t know. Pushing those dreams leads on to disappointment, and what if you have all four kids as girls, and then you push them into gender normative boy things like football when they really want to be princesses, and maybe one wants to do football and you support her and the other three feel like one of their dad’s doesn’t love them enough?” Yongguk asked, and Daehyun didn’t want to think about that.

                “But I’d love my kids all the same.” Daehyun said, and Yongguk tutted.

                “I know you would, but kids don’t know that. No matter what we really feel, what our kids see is what they know. When you yell at kids for an hour and then tell them you love them and that’s why you yell, they don’t see that. They don’t know that. They grow to hate you and it’s the same when you support one kid in their endeavors and look down on the others.” Yongguk said, and Daehyun began to tear up. He knew where this was coming from. Yongguk always thought himself as ‘the other kid’ in their family of three. It was even worse that he had a twin brother and it seemed like he was always better, even though now at 25 years old he knew that wasn’t the case. His mom and dad loved all three; Natasha, Yongguk and Yongnam, all the same. Yongguk didn’t know that though. It wasn’t until he was 19 did he hear his father tell him he loved him.

                “I understand.” Daehyun said. He drummed his fingers around the edge of his cup and it was no longer hot. He needed another but he didn’t want to move. “I just think about how much happier I’d be with a family. With you.”

                “Are you not happy now?” Yongguk asked, now going to stand by Daehyun. He put his hand on Daehyun’s shoulder and rubbed it. “What can I do?”

                “Nothing as of now Yongguk. Marriage is scary, I know. Making a family is even more terrifying. I just want both of us to be happy.” Daehyun sighed out, turning and wrapping his arms around Yongguk’s waist. He buried his face into Yongguk’s stomach and sighed out again. “Please promise me you’ll be by my side for as long as possible and if you get sick of me, let me know.”

                “That’s not going to happen any time soon.” Yongguk laughed out, ruffling Daehyun’s hair. “I love you, Daehyun. I want to get married to you when the time is right and I want to have a family with you as well. We can have kids and we can have a dog or a cat or a bird or a turtle or whatever you want and I’ll make it happen.” Yongguk said. “I’ll do anything for you if it means you’re happy. I love your smile more than you could ever imagine. So smile for me.”

                Yongguk felt the fabric on his shirt move, and he was sure it was because Daehyun was beaming ear to ear because he always smiled when Yongguk asked him to. If Daehyun did anything on command, it was smile. He knew it lit up Yongguk’s heart like fireworks at New Year’s, and that’s why he did it. Even if they disagreed on what an ideal family was like, they could both agree that one another’s smiles made life worth living another day. Daehyun’s pearly whites and Yongguk’s gummy grin made life worth living, period. They loved for one another, and that was good enough for them at the given moment.