MAZE

Jaejoong's spirits lifted when he woke up and saw a figure in bed beside him, thinking that Yunho had come back while he was sleeping and they'd finally be able to talk before they left for practice. But when he pulled the covers away and looked down, he saw that it was Yoochun who had stayed the night by his side. Well, it is his bed, technically, even though he never uses it. Jaejoong sighed and got to his feet, grabbing some slippers and tiptoeing down to Junsu's room. Yunho wasn't there, and he wasn't in Changmin and Yongsoo's empty room either. Jaejoong peeked into the living room, hoping to find him on the couch, but that was where Changmin and Yongsoo had set up to watch One Piece before they had to go on schedule.

Changmin's eyes lit up when he saw Jaejoong; he'd been asleep when Jaejoong had come back home the night before and didn't know anything was wrong. “Oh, were you making breakfast today, hyung?”

Guess I am, now. “Where's Yunho?”

“He's meeting us at C&M for practice later,” Yongsoo answered.

“Where is he now?”

“Heck if I know.”

“You're our manager. Aren't you supposed to care about these kinds of things? He could be having a drunken for all you know.”

“Yunho is the least likely out of all of you to do that,” Yongsoo said, rolling his eyes. “I'm not worried because I trust him. He's earned it.”

Yes, he has. But where would he go so long after what happened yesterday? Why would he go? Where would he sleep? He could hardly beg for a bed at his parents' hotel, and if he'd stayed with one of his friends, did that mean he didn't want to go home and speak with Jaejoong?

But I didn't do anything, Jaejoong thought miserably. Or was that the problem? Had he waited too long in coming to Yunho's defense? He'd wanted to; it was Yunho pulling him out of the room that had stopped him. Yunho could hardly bear a grudge for that. Unless he'd reflected on his mother's words and decided she was right. No way, Jaejoong thought, shaking his head. You've been with him for long enough now. His feelings aren't that weak. Probably they never were.

He went to the kitchen and blankly began pulling out ingredients. Worrying was pointless. As long as Yunho was safe and had found somewhere to sleep, it was fine. They'd see each other at practice and talk it out after. He'd forgive Yunho for whatever had pulled him away yesterday, as long as he could see him again.

After breakfast, the four members piled into their van and drove off to C&M. Yunho wasn't in the practice room when they arrived, but they'd gotten there a bit early, and the stage producer for their showcase was nowhere to be seen either. Jaejoong took the moment to look at his face in the unforgiving practice mirrors. His face was still a bit puffy, but it was no big deal. They didn't have any promotional schedules, so the stylist noonas wouldn't even be seeing him today, and he didn't really need to look good for his vocal practices later for 'One Kiss'.

Yunho arrived a few minutes later, but the stage producer arrived just two seconds after him and immediately launched into an overview of the venue and how much space they'd have to work with. Since their set-list was short, they were supposed to do talks and song introductions between all of their numbers, which they were given brief outlines for. They got into formation and went over them, and Jaejoong tried to catch Yunho's eye over Changmin, which proved to be fruitless. Changmin was still as much of a giant sized roadblock as ever, and Yunho was completely focused on the notes in front of him. Like Jaejoong, his face was still puffy, and he also had bags under his eyes. Where were you?, Jaejoong thought desperately. Yunho glanced up at him for a moment, smiled thinly, then looked back down at his notes.

Before their break time, Jaejoong was called off by his vocal coach to do some practice for his performance of One Kiss, and though he wanted to insist that he be given at least one moment to talk alone with Yunho, there really wasn't anything he could do. He trooped to the practice room and waited for his coach to set up the audio to sing along with. Those violins that haunted my dreams, he thought nostalgically. It had been a long while since he'd sung this song, and for a moment, the thought of the time that had passed seized him. Right now felt far and away from the first time he'd performed it for Yunho, the day they had confessed that they'd fallen in love with each other. The feelings inside of him had been different then. He'd wanted to share his heart with Yunho and convey his feelings to him-- something he still wanted to do, but now with more powerful and complex feelings than what he'd started with years ago. No matter how he felt, it still wasn't something he could do in this separate room with Yunho down the hallway and unable to hear him.

Still, he tried to sing the song thinking of the most important time he'd sung it, but the emotions rung hollowly in his chest. It wasn't as if they weren't as beautiful as they ever were, but they were in the past. His love had grown, become so much more, and the way he used to sing the song was no longer big enough to fill it. He stopped singing abruptly and smiled apologetically at his vocal coach. “Can I try that again?” he asked.

“By all means.”

They reset the audio track, and Jaejoong tried again, filling his head with Yunho. I want you to know that I'll love you always, no matter what anyone else says. From the very beginning to now, heaven always did shine on you for me, and you only. You gave me so much... at least let me give a little bit of that back...

His vocal coach turned off the audio track when Jaejoong had finished. “Jaejoong goon,” he said solemnly. “I feel like I shouldn't say this because you just performed the song very well, but I've seen your audition tape with this song and it had ten times the emotion of what you just did there. I know I can't exactly force that out of you, but this is a performance for your fans on your anniversary. Can't you find it in your heart to bring a little bit more of that passion back into it?”

“I'm not leaving it out deliberately,” Jaejoong muttered. But the coach was right. His thoughts about Yunho were genuine, but they weren't enough. He didn't know what was going on with him right now. He didn't know how exactly they were going to make themselves acceptable to his family, or if that would always be a losing battle. He wanted to talk to him, to hold him, to make everything right and stable again. This wasn't the kind of song he could sing with so much uncertainty weighing on his heart.

But he tried again. And again. And again. Each time some small piece was missing, and his sound was somehow off. He hated listening to it. This was his song, the most precious song to him, and here he couldn't even sing the words he'd written so dearly as if they'd ever meant anything to him. It wasn't that he wasn't feeling anything, but that his feelings were too scattered to form something strong enough to contain the song. It was only when it looked like he might burst into tears that the vocal coach told him that he could take a break for now and come back when he'd calmed down.

The members weren't in the practice room anymore, so he looked for them in the break room. Only Changmin was there, languidly stacking the foam cups by the coffee maker into a pyramid.

“There you are,” he said when he saw Jaejoong emerge. “You've been practicing forever. Are you done?”

“No...” he glanced around. “Where are the others?”

“Yoochun and Junsu hyung are in the lobby getting food from the vending machine. Yunho hyung is out.”

“Out?” Jaejoong repeated, freezing. “Out where?”

“I don't know. He got a phone call that sounded important and talked it over with Yongsoo hyung. He was given permission to leave.” Changmin scowled. “He's already perfect with our dance routines, so...” He trailed off, looking at Jaejoong's face. “Oh my god, hyung, what's wrong?”

Jaejoong covered his face with his hands, hiding the tears that had already been ready to fall from his frustrating vocal session and were now obstinately forcing themselves out. “Where does he keep going? He can't be avoiding me, can he?”

“Avoiding you?” Changmin blinked. “Wait, did something happen with his parents yesterday?”

“He told them. About us. And it went as badly as you might guess it would.”

“Oh.” Changmin fell silent. “Then... wouldn't he be with them, then?”

“What? His mother said all kinds of things... there's no way they're going to accept us, so why would he be with them right now?”

“Why? Because it's Yunho hyung. He's probably going all 'How dare you insult my previous Jae Baby?' on them as we speak.”

“To his parents?”

“Especially to his parents.” He paused, looking at Jaejoong's disbelieving expression. “You may not know this, but he gets a bit... odd about you. There was this one time we were doing stage practice for a concert, and you were having an off day dance-wise. Hyung and I were backstage, and we overheard one of the backups dancers commenting about it... saying you had two left feet or something like that. And hyung, he just... it's really hard to describe. All he did was look at the guy who'd said it, but it was like the whole room got freezing. I've never seen anyone stare at someone with that much dislike, and the guy had just been joking to begin with. He shut right up after that. In fact, he looked like he was scared less.”

Yunho was like that with Junwoo, Minhee, and Dami, too, Jaejoong remembered. He's such a warm guy, but every once in awhile, he can turn so cold that it shakes your core. But it's one thing to be like to strangers who don't mean anything. His parents are another matter.

“I know you didn't know hyung when he lived with family,” Changmin continued. “Even I was a bit too young back then to remember it all that well. But I know that he was a different kind of son to them. Here, in a place like this, you're supposed to be obedient and keep up with your studies and listen to your elders before yourself, but hyung... I've never known him to be the kind of person who lets anything stand in the way of what he wants to do. He wanted to learn dancing, so he devoted his life to that, ignoring the wishes of his parents and even leaving home to do it. He fell in love with you, even knowing what the consequences would be, and he's stayed beside you through every little stupid drama you've guys have gone through together. He follows his heart beyond anything, and really, you're an idiot if you think there's something in there that's more important to him than you. I feel sorry to his family for saying this, but he'd choose you over them if it came to that.”

Jaejoong smiled to himself. He's right. That's the Yunho I know. I don't know if it's true that he's been fighting for my behalf these past few days, but if it is... “I won't let it come to that,” he said finally. “I'm really happy that Yunho fell in love with me. That he's stayed in love with me, even when I gave him reasons not to be. But I won't make him regret who he is or where he comes from. There has to be another way. And if there isn't, I'll make one.” He sat up straighter. “Yunho's family will be coming to the showcase tomorrow. I'll find them before the show. I'll tell them how I feel about him, and if they can't accept it then, I'll keep telling them until they do. I don't know if Yunho's been doing the same or not, but I'll do it for my own sake. I don't want anyone to believe that I'm at his side only to bring trouble down upon him.”

Changmin grinned. “Forget about just hyung, you're here to bring trouble down upon all of us. I won't acknowledge it if someone like you goes down without a fight.”

“I won't.”

“And as for Yunho hyung... if he isn't doing what I think he's doing, and especially if he doesn't feel the need to explain that to you after rambling on about you keeping thing from you in the past, I'll kick his from here to Sunday. You can count on me.”

“I rather like his ,” Jaejoong said, smiling weakly.

“It'll improve with a little flattening.” Changmin rubbed his hands together in anticipation. “But if you insist... I'll do it when you're not watching.”

“Ah, you.” His smile broadened. “Sometimes I wonder what I would do without any of you.”

“You shouldn't. We're not going anywhere.”

“Still.” He leaned his head against Changmin's shoulder. “You're my strength. I'll always have that, right?”

“Don't get sentimental on me, hyung,” Changmin warned, but he still pressed his cheek against Jaejoong's hair and smiled. "Of course you will."'

0o0

It was reaching nighttime again, and Yunho still hadn't come home. Jaejoong dialed his cell phone and listened to the jarring rings and then the second of silence before his voicemail clicked on. It was a non-descript robot message, in case fans actually managed to get ahold of his phone and confirmed the number was his, but Jaejoong still listened to it with a pang in his chest. When the phone finally beeped, he pressed it close to his ear. “I'm going to trust you,” he said softly. “But please, don't stay away from me. I said I would be fine. But I can't be fine without you.”

He hung up and dragged himself over to his bed, falling into it. He wanted to trace the impression where Yunho usually slept, but Yoochun was the one who had been there last. Even if there had been any lingering warmth, it wouldn't have been his. Jaejoong sighed. I'm going to trust you, he repeated. But you're my strength, too. I want you. I need you here so badly.

His phone vibrated, and he quickly grabbed it. A text message.

From: My lovely Yunho

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I can never say it enough, but I'm sorry. Sorry you were hurt. Are there tears in your eyes, even now? You looked so unhappy during practice. You should break up with me. I'd break up with me.

To: My lovely Yunho

Stop apologizing. And tell me why you left.

From: My lovely Yunho

Because I messed up. I said I would protect our secret, and I didn't. I needed to make it better. I'm sorry. I'll keep trying. I won't make you be with someone as lacking as me until I can make it up to you.

To: My lovely Yunho

Are you trying to break up with me? Temporarily?

From: My lovely Yunho

… Jae, you will never hear the words “Let's break up” coming from my mouth. But if you wanted to break up with me, I'd understand

To: My lovely Yunho

You'd let me break up with you?

From: My lovely Yunho

I'd live in denial...

To: My lovely Yunho

What reason do I have to break up with you? I've said it a thousand times: I won't break up with you over something someone else says. If I did break up with you, it would be because you're being an inconsiderate and leaving me by myself. You want to make it better? You think you can do that without letting me help? You're just one half of this relationship. But I just have to sit here and wait for you like a princess?

From: My lovely Yunho

… I hate myself so much right now. I did something stupid, and made you feel pain because of it. When I'm around you, I can't bear it.

To: My lovely Yunho

You can't bear being around me?

From: My lovely Yunho

When I see you, I can see myself reflected back in your eyes. And you love me. Someone like me, full of faults, who caused you so much pain. I hate that I'm not really the person I see in your eyes. My mother's right... I'm still a boy, and I can be immature about things regarding you. I want to be a man who can stand by your side. Forever. So I'll make them get that even if I have to camp out in front of their door every night.

To: My lovely Yunho

You're an idiot

From: My lovely Yunho

I know...

To: My lovely Yunho

But I love you anyways. The person in my eyes exists. To me. And yes, that person makes mistakes and can hurt me. I've done the same to you, haven't I? And you love me. I don't want to become better alone. I don't want you to, either. If you're not with me, it's meaningless. If I'm not with you making things right, it kills me.

From: My lovely Yunho

Jaejoong ah. I miss you. I can't come back tonight. But tomorrow. After the showcase. If I need to go again, will you come with me?

To: My lovely Yunho

I'd go with you anywhere

From: My lovely Yunho

I love you. I love you so much, more than anyone or anything, ever. Have I said that before? Thank you for trusting me. I've not been a trustworthy person. But if you put your trust in anything, put your trust in my love. It won't go away. Thank you. I love you. I'm sorry.

Jaejoong shut off his phone, biting deeply into his lip. He was happy to talk to him, but he didn't feel all the way better. It was impossible to reach that point alone, and he just needed to see him. But he could wait, even if it was painful. He trusted in Yunho's love. It was and always been as big and as real as his own. And regardless of what Yunho thought, he trusted the man he knew, even though mistakes had been made by the both of them even before their relationship began. The person he'd held in his eyes was real. He'd seemed untouchable, shining like the sun in his eyes when Jaejoong had first seen him, a nearly unobtainable treasure that first summer together, but he hadn't fallen in love with someone he couldn't have. He had him, even though he wasn't lying beside him as proof as he usually was. And to keep having him, for now and forever, there was really only one more thing he had left to do.

0o0

Yunho was meeting them separately at the venue, presumably arriving with his parents, so Jaejoong arrived there without seeing him, and was forced first into the stylist's chair for hair and makeup. His freshly dyed back hair was washed and fussed over until it was straight and sleek and swept across his forehead. The make-up artists made quick work of disguising his residual face puffiness and under eye bags with concealer and powder. The wardrobe assistant handed him his stage costume-- a rather revealing open blazer with long black pants, which he didn't have any particular qualms about suiting given how much muscle he'd manage to put on since he'd become an idol. He liked how he looked in the mirror. He seemed stronger than he had been those years ago. He was stronger.

“Hyung,” Changmin said behind him. “The coordi noona says Yunho just went into his dressing room. His parents are still in the reception room if you want to-”

Before Changmin could even finish his sentence, Jaejoong had turned away from the mirror and walked towards the door. He pulled it open, seeing Yunho's mother and father grabbing a cup of coffee from the reception area before heading to their special place in the audience. Without thinking of it any further, Jaejoong stepped in. His mouth felt dry. He wasn't 100% sure what he was going to say. All he knew was that he had to say something to be able to sing in front of all their fans tonight. The words would find him, he trusted. This was his future he was bargaining for, his and Yunho's. He couldn't let part of that future slip from his fingers without even trying.

“Um,” he said, clearing his throat. They turned around to look at him. Both of them looked tired and not particularly thrilled to see him. But he didn't care. They didn't have to like him. He was past needing that kind of approval from people, and Yunho's feelings were the ones he needed, and already had.

“Jaejoong goon,” Yunho's father said finally. “Apologies for... the previous situation. Are you doing well?”

“I could be better, but thank you,” he said, bowing. “Can I talk for a minute?”

“I've had enough talking for a lifetime, I think,” Yunho's mother said wearily. “But if you're anything like my son, you'll be talking anyways. Go ahead.”

“I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you can't approve of me and Yunho, but I understand. I didn't think you would, honestly. But I don't want to sit back quietly while my feelings... our feelings... are completely set aside. You said that we had no future. I probably can't say the same for Yunho ah, but I... I was never anticipating a traditional family to begin with. I've known that I was gay for years, so bearing children was always an impossibility. But just because of that, I wouldn't say it's an impossibility for me to have a family. My mother couldn't bear children either, but she has a family. Even if it was just my father at her side, I'm sure she could have been happy. But since she wanted to give happiness to others, she adopted children whose own parents couldn't take care of them. People may have thought she'd never have a family, but our family is a happy one.” He took a deep breath. “I know it can't be the exact same for me and Yunho. If people know, it won't be acceptable because I'm a man and he's a man. We can't get married. In this country, we couldn't adopt. We can't even be acknowledged for what we are at all. But I don't need to. Before I met him, I felt completely alone. Knowing him changed everything. It may not be a big family, but being with him is having a family enough for me. And it's a future. Maybe not the future you wanted for him, but that doesn't mean it's not a future.”

“And what if Yunho changes his mind about not needing children later on?” she asked, lifting an eyebrow. “Will you be happy to let him leave you in the lurch?”

“If he changed his mind, I'd hope he talk to me about it, and we could think up a solution together. Yunho isn't the type of person who would just leave me in the lurch. I trust him.” He clenched his fist. “And he isn't a boy anymore, either. Yeah, he can be a brat. I can, too. And the other three are the biggest brats I've met. And I understand that you've suffered from Yunho doing impulsive things. But from what Auntie Minjung told me, he was only thinking of living freely. I won't keep him from doing that. I like that part of him a lot.” Jaejoong smiled to himself. “I really do. When he sets his mind to something, he'll make it happen. It can get impulsive sometimes, but really, isn't it just another side of his kindness? He wants the world to be a good place for himself and others. Even at times when I think he's doing things for himself, he always has someone else on his mind, too. At those times when I'm the one he's thinking of, how can I not be happy? How can I not be in love with him? I know there will be people who hate us anyways. I've always been prepared for that. But I can't change the way I feel. I love him. I love everything about him, even the annoying and frustrating parts. I'll love him no matter who says no or how many people will never forgive me for it. I don't want him to experience any of the pain of the hate we might receive, so I will protect him as best as I can. And if I can't, I'll share that burden with him. But we're not at fault. It isn't a fault.”

“He said the exact same thing to us,” Yunho's father said, pressing his lips together. “You both sounded equally like you believe it. Do you?”

“I have my moments of weakness. It won't entirely go away, most likely. But I'll always try, always fight for him. I really do love him. I want what's best for him, too.” He glanced from Yunho's father to his mother. “He says he's happy with me. I know for a fact that I'm happy with him. So I'm going to stay by his side. If you can't accept that, I'm sorry. But we're not accepting no for an answer.”

Mrs. Jung sighed in frustration. “You think I don't know that you won't? Even when I told you the first time, I didn't think he would. My son doesn't listen to anyone when he wants something. To think I gave birth to a child so bullheaded! Coming to see us every afternoon, getting down on his hands and knees and telling me nonstop that he wasn't going to break up with you and just to get over myself and acknowledge you already-- are children supposed to be so insolent? One might praise him for his determination, but I'm not about to thank him for the headache of the last few days.” She frowned. “But you love him, though. And seem to have the same determination. If you get caught, how will someone like you help him from backlash? You'll be suffering, too.”

“I'll suffer at his side. As will everyone else who loves us.”

“You won't be able to keep him from seeing and hearing horrible things about himself.”

“Those people don't know him. I know him. He knows himself.”

“You may not even be able to be a part of DBSK if people know. You may not be able to stay in Korea.”

Jaejoong paused. “If that happens, and we all agree as a group, I don't have a problem about lying about who Yunho is to me. Better to keep him safe than to be acknowledged. I'm very serious about this. Do I need to get down on my hands and knees, too?”

“Heavens, no. Enough, please.” She rubbed her forehead. “Look, Jaejoong goon. I can only tell you what I told Yunho. I can't stop you. He's free to do what he likes. He doesn't live with us, and even if he never says, I know he thinks more of Minjung noona as a mother than he thinks of me. My approval is only worthwhile to him because it would make you happy. But I can't give it now. Give me time. Let's see if you mean these things you say, and if he does. Let's see if his heart doesn't change and if he continues to ignore the better judgment he should have. I can't control you, either. You're not my son, and I'm sure your own mother is more understanding of your heart.” She stepped forward and pressed a hand against his cheek. “Still, I might have been wrong about you. When I heard of you, I didn't understand what made you so special to my son. You seemed so dissimilar. A strong boy and a weak boy. A happy child and an unhappy one. I told you to look after him, thinking all along that you'd barely be able to take care of yourself. But you're stronger than I gave you credit for, perhaps. Lesser men would have stepped down ages ago. And you have that same fire in your eyes that he has, so perhaps you aren't so unlike after all. My son could have done a lot worse for himself, knowing him.” She patted his cheek and dropped her hand.

“Thank you,” Jaejoong said. It wasn't much of a concession, but it was something.

“Now, enough of this unseemly begging. You and my son clearly intend to do as you see fit, so what more can I do? Go to him. He's spent so much time harping at me over the past few days, that I'm sure you've hardly seen him.”

“Thank you,” Jaejoong said again, taking a step back. “And I promise you, there's not going to be anyone who loves him more or better than I do, so don't be sorry he fell in love with me. I'm not. Not anymore.”

She waved him off, and Jaejoong turned to head back to the dressing area. The lights were already blinking, indicating that they needed to regroup to make their way to the stage. There was no way for him and Yunho to talk now, he assumed, but he was sure he could survive the next few hours, even though he wanted nothing more than to throw himself into Yunho's arms and melt all the anxiety and exhaustion he'd felt away. He was in love, and he knew he wasn't alone. With that simple thought, he could continue moving forward, no matter what other troubles hounded him from behind.

Rush ahead! Fly through the strong wind
To a place that's suffused in light and overflowing with hope
Picking up the pieces of a dream I once had,
I'll keep running down the path I believe in
In order to live true to myself

Shouldering the burden of both sins and retribution,
My spirit has withered away
The pouring rain soaks me,
As though it would wash away this destiny of hatred
I'm just wandering alone in this intricate maze
Searching for the place I belong

Fly high! Remember your instincts and embrace passion
Enough to tear the sky
Standing firmly on the rubble of lies,
In order to discover a yet unknown world, don't be afraid
Oh, my heart is crying out
To be "me