A/N: Happy Yunjae 7th Anniversary :D

STILL IN LOVE

When Jaejoong woke up, he tiptoed downstairs to the kitchen, leaving one of his blankets wrapped around his bare shoulders as he went. It was early morning, around the time they would usually be loading up the crates for the market, and Auntie Minjung was already out in the vast garden she tended on her property. The two of them had been given the day off since Changmin's umma next door occasionally made him take over the stall to compensate for all the food he stole over the course of the summer, and Yunho was taking full advantage of it by sleeping in. Jaejoong probably could have used the extra sleep himself, but he was finally feeling a bit guilty over never calling home since Yunho had forced him to on his first day. It was the kind of conversation that would be better to have without anyone else around to hear him, so he had deliberately waited until Auntie Minjung was outside and Yunho was clearly still off in dreamland before planting himself in front of the kitchen phone.

Jaejoong pulled up a chair and punched in the number of one of his older sisters, Dayoung. She had a summer job as a receptionist, so he was fairly certain she'd be up getting ready by now. It felt like he was chickening out a bit by not reaching out to his parents directly, but if they wanted to talk to him, it wouldn't be too much work for them to take Dayoung's cell phone for a moment or two. She wasn't as dementedly attached to it as some of his other sisters were.

Dayoung picked up after two rings, though was clearly full of toothpaste when she opened it. “Jwejwoowie? Jwus wa wewon!”

Jaejoong gave her a moment to finish brushing her teeth, chuckling at her garbled speech. He hadn't realized until now how much he had missed her and the others, which made him happy that he'd finally given in and called.

“What the hell have you been doing?” she yelled into the phone as soon as was cleared. “You could have been dead for all we knew!”

“I left my cellphone at home.”

“Yeah, and there's this thing called a land line. You're probably using it right now.” She sighed in disgust. “You are okay, aren't you? I don't have to come over and stage an intervention?”

“Everything is fine,” Jaejoong assured her. “I'm eating well. The family I'm staying with is nice. I'm not doing anything illegal.” He filled her in on working in the market and teaching his songs to Yunho and his friends, though he did make a point of not elaborating on just how important Yunho himself was becoming to him.

“So you're making friends,” Dayoung said, not even bothering to hide the relief in her voice. “That's good. Mom and dad will be thrilled. I won't tell them that you've been bonding over the whole music thing, though, since they kind of wanted to stamp that out. I'll just say you're comrades in hard work and discipline.”

Jaejoong snorted. “So what about you? Where were you working again?”

“The record label and agency down the block. They're going through their second audition process, so they wanted someone to take care of the phones.” She lowered her voice. “Don't tell anyone, but I've started dating one of the guys from the company. Not any of idols, I mean, but the recording talent who works with the label on producing albums.”

“Isn't that against company rules?”

“I don't know, I haven't read them. Besides, I'm only staying at the place for the summer.”

“What's his name?”

“High Stan.”

“Really? Is that... Norwegian?”

“Of course not. That's just his industry name. His real name is Stanley Shin. He's Korean-American.”

“Oh. Anyways, I hope you're happy with him. Just don't get caught before the summer ends, okay?”

“I'm not planning on it.” She paused on the other line. “I mentioned you to him, and he says if you're serious about your songs, you can stop by and have a meeting with him to see if they're viable for the industry. Or send in an audition tape yourself, if you're still interested in singing. He can't guarantee anything, but you will be able to get your foot in the door just a little.”

“By being the receptionist's brother?”

“By being the brother of a major producer's girlfriend.”

“Does that work if you've only been dating for a few weeks?”

“I wouldn't underestimate my charms, little brother. You might be surprised.” He heard her shuffling around in the background, probably grabbing her car keys and getting ready to leave. “By the way, Jaejoongie. If you have a holiday, please take the bus up to see us. Mom and dad are pretty sure you didn't run off to get a job, and they've been discussing you a lot recently. I think they'd like a proper talk.”

“I'm sure they would,” Jaejoong said, his voice straining. “That's the problem.”

“Once again, you might be surprised. I've been eavesdropping a little here and there, and it's not like they're prepared to disown you, or anything. It's more like they just want you to be happy and healthy and all that good stuff.”

And I happen to have what some people think is a disease. “I'll think about it,” he said instead. “You take care of yourself, noona.”

“And you don't be a stranger, okay?” Dayoung said before hanging up. “I mean it.”

0o0

After Yunho finally woke up, dressed, and ate, he suggested going out to enjoy their day off. “As much as I would like to go to the market to tease Changminnie a bit, wouldn't it be more fun for you to go out and explore for a bit?” he asked. “You've barely seen anything here but the market and the house.”

“Is there anything in particular that's fun to do?”

“Honestly? Not really. But there is the one place I like. It's not too far, so we can walk and I can give you the guided tour.”

“If that's not a problem.”

“Not at all. And then if we have some free time leftover, we can go off and bother Changminnie.”

Though it was still hot out, it wasn't unbearable as Yunho led Jaejoong through the streets leading out of the neighborhood. There were parks and wading pools set up here and there to accommodate the children who were off from school, but other than that, it was fairly quiet out. Jaejoong liked the peacefulness of it. Back home, it was often difficult to be alone and to think, but it didn't seem so hard here. He decided he wouldn't blame Yunho if part of his sneaking out habit was rooted in wanting a bit of this peacefulness for himself.

As they walked, Yunho would occasionally point out the landmarks that were important to him. They found the grade school he'd transferred into when he'd moved here, as well as the high school he was in now. He confessed to having his first kiss in the drugstore parking lot when he was eleven, when the little girl who'd helped him pick out a card for Auntie Minjung took one as payment. Jaejoong wondered suddenly why it was that Yunho called home just as infrequently as he himself did, though it wasn't any of his business. All of his memories seemed to be here, in this place, rather than anywhere else.

Yunho finally led him to a dirt path leading through a forested area off the side of the road. “This is where we're headed,” he explained. “There's a little nature park back here, but since it's kind off the beaten path, a lot of people tend to forget about it. Kind of like that abandoned road where I first found you.”

“It's kind of weird,” Jaejoong pointed out. “Back where I'm from, if there's unused areas like that, they'll just redevelop them.”

“And ruin them in most cases,” Yunho said lightly. “Just because not everyone knows about it, doesn't mean it isn't beautiful. You'll see.” He smiled and grabbed Jaejoong's wrist, swinging it playfully as he sang a few lines from Only Love. Beautiful you, day and night, whatever you want, just name the price.

Jaejoong smiled back. It was getting easier for him to handle being touched by Yunho, not because it was any less exciting than it had been before, but because it was starting to feel right to him. Though he'd had a sneaking feeling that he was gay after developing a crush on one of the male idols he'd watched on TV when he was younger, he hadn't actually gotten along with other guys at all. In fact, he hated most of them; girls didn't have the same amount of potential to hurt him, so he was less afraid of them than he was of men. There were times when he wondered altogether whether he'd be able to actually be able to fall in love with anyone at all, but at last with Yunho he understood. Yunho had that very same potential to hurt him that other guys had, but just as Yoochun had said, Yunho wouldn't do it. Even if Jaejoong confessed to him that very moment and Yunho chose to reject him, he doubted there would be any slurs or insults involved. Just a polite, gentle refusal, and that would be that.

He wasn't afraid of the hand holding his wrist, that much was sure. He loved that touch as much as he was beginning to love the rest of Yunho, even if it ended up one day shattering him.

“Ah, you're going to blind me with that smile of yours,” Yunho warned, jokingly shielding his eyes. “Did I do a good job with your song?”

“You always do,” Jaejoong said earnestly. “So thank you.”

Yunho flushed, looking away in embarrassment. “Sheesh, no need to embarrass me about it.”

After ten or so more minutes, the two of them arrived at a stream winding in between a rock beach, just deep enough to reach up to their ankles and allow them to wade through. Yunho grabbed Jaejoong's hand and helped him down into the water beside him.

“Walk carefully,” he cautioned, holding onto Jaejoong's wrist again. “We're going to be heading down to a little pool area down the stream, so try not to slip.”

In spite of Yunho's warning, the sand beneath his feet and all the rocks jutting out of it still made it difficult for Jaejoong to keep his balance, and he wound up instinctively throwing his arm around Yunho's waist to keep himself from falling. To his surprise, Yunho did the same, his left hand curling against Jaejoong's hip, giving him even more reasons to be unsteady than otherwise.

Luckily, the place Yunho was talking about was not too far. The water had worn down a part of the rock beach into a smooth outcropping that ended in a shallow water pool which collected water from the stream. Yunho peeled off his sandals and sat down on the rock to dip his feet into the pool, gesturing for Jaejoong to do the same.

As soon as his feet were in the water, he felt something weird brushing against them and yelped. When he looked down, he saw that there were tiny minnows in the pool that were nibbling a bit on his toes as they circuited around him. He looked back up at Yunho, who was quietly laughing at the shock on his face.

“It's not bad for you,” Yunho said quickly. “It's not like they're biting or anything. I even heard this a good way to remove dead skin, too.”

“And you do this to relax?” Jaejoong wondered.

“Why not? The sound of water rushing past, the coolness on a hot day like this... what's not relaxing about it?”

Jaejoong shrugged. He usually didn't think of himself as a nature loving kind of guy, but Yunho made a good point. It was kind of relaxing, in a way. He could hear bugs whirring and the water lapping against the rocks as it passed, but other than that, all that was left to them was pure and comforting silence.

“There's usually no one else here,” Yunho said. “Just me, since this is where I go whenever Auntie gives me a free day. And now you.”

“Are you sure it's okay for me to intrude?”

“You're not intruding. Something like this is even better together, right?”

Jaejoong nodded, tilting his head back to the overhead sun. He'd always been so afraid and envious of other guys, but now he felt a pang of jealousy towards the girls he'd always he felt he'd better undestood. If he was girl, it would be so simple for him to lean his head against Yunho's shoulder, to wind their fingers together and melt into this beautiful scenery as one. But because he wasn't, he had to be content with where he was, with the memory of Yunho's hand against his slim wrist, and then around his waist. Because I was born as me, Jaejoong thought regretfully, but when he turned back to Yunho, he saw that he was smiling at him, sweetly and honestly, and every bit of lingering sadness flew away. This was okay, too. Yunho had let him in on a little bit of his secret paradise, and even more so than that, that beautiful smile he wore was undeniably in that moment for him and him alone. Dreaming about being someone else was no more than that: a dream. This moment itself was what was real, and he was going to imprint it into his mind so vividly that it would never for an instant vanish from his life, even when Yunho did.

0o0

They arrived back at the market for Yunho's anticipated “aggravating Changmin” hobby in the later afternoon. The sun had risen higher and was growing unbearable, and they had already pretty much sweat through their clothes, though Yunho had said Changmin wouldn't be bothered, so there was no point in going right back and taking a shower.

“How about I go over and get some popsicles, and meet you back at the stall?” Jaejoong suggested. “I think we'll pass out if we don't have something cool.”

“You'll probably need more than one for Minnie, but sure, go ahead. You know where to find us.”

The line for the frozen desert cart was understandably long, so Jaejoong settled in for the wait, fanning himself with his hand. He could see Yoochun and Junsu off in the distance, but since the fish booth was surrounded by ice and had an overhang, they didn't look too badly off. Jaejoong smiled to himself. Changmin was probably on the verge of death by now, unless he'd been secretly eating some of Auntie Minjung's vegetables as he worked.

As he fished around for loose change in his pocket, he felt someone tapping his shoulder. He turned around and locked eyes with a girl who looked to be about his age or younger, though she was a good deal shorter. The tip of her brunette ponytail only came up to his chest. She was very cute though; her brown eyes were wide and long lashed, and her smile slightly gap-toothed and somewhat shy. Jaejoong could vaguely remember seeing her from time to time among the market crowds, though she'd never stopped at their own booth.

“Um, excuse me,” she said uncertainly. “You are Kim Jaejoong-ssi, right? From Minjung-ssi's booth?”

“Yes...” How would she know him? He studied her carefully. She wasn't also someone he was supposed to know from school, was she?

“Er, I guess you wouldn't know me. I know your name from Junsu-ssi? From the fish shop? I've seen you for awhile with Yunho-ssi, so I asked him who you were.” She shuffled from foot to foot. “I hope that wasn't weird? My name is Choi Minhee.”

“Minhee,” Jaejoong echoed numbly. It wasn't that common of a name. This had to be her, then. This was Yunho's type. Cute and little with just enough timidity to be charming rather than obnoxious. Jaejoong in his breath. Remember what Yoochun said. He didn't really hang out with her like a proper boyfriend. But her presence there still stung. She'd had the one thing Jaejoong couldn't, and she was more likely to have it again than he was. He wanted to hate her on principle, but what had she done wrong? She'd had a crush on Yunho just are surely as he had, and it simply hadn't worked for her. There were more things wrong in his own situation than in hers.

“Oh, did you know about me? From Yunho-ssi? Or from his friends maybe?” She suddenly looked a bit downcast. “I hope you didn't misunderstand? It wasn't a bad breakup. I was jealous at first about all the attention he was putting into music rather than me, but I understood it, too. I don't want you to think that I think being dedicated is a bad thing!”

And why would you care what I think?, Jaejoong thought bitterly. It's not my business.

“Junsu-ssi tells me you're a bit of a musician, too? But you're not from here?” She had a bit of bad habit of ending her sentences with a questioning intonation, Jaejoong noticed, grateful for something not to like about her.

“Yeah, that's right.”

Her face fell again. “Oh, so you're leaving again at the end of the summer? That's... too bad. I mean-” she flushed “- you must think I'm rambling... but... there's a chance that maybe Yunho told you? When we broke up, I did tell him that if he got really serious about music and managed to impress me by auditioning or something, I would think about getting back together with him, though-”

Jaejoong didn't hear any more. If he got really serious... I would think about getting back together with him... The words echoed in his head over and over again. He felt dizzy on his feet, and it wasn't just because of the heat. So that's what it was all along, he though faintly. All those songs and chords he played on his guitar and that excitement he had when I first told him about my songs... that was him getting serious. Because he wanted to get back with his girlfriend.

It shouldn't have hit him so hard, but part of him had wanted to believe in the faith Yoochun had in him. A part of him had been desperate to hold out the tiniest bit of hope that the smile on Yunho's face when they sang together really had been for him. But now that was gone. Minhee had been the one he had been working for all that time, and Jaejoong had simply been a means to that end.

Another hand tapping at his shoulder. It was his turn in line. He turned away from Minhee, blindly and abruptly, and ordered his popsicles like a machine spitting out words without inflection. Minhee was still talking at him, but even she fell silent when he turned back to her, a worried look on her face.

“Um, Jaejoong-ssi?” she asked. “What do you think... about what I said?”

“I don't know,” he said flatly. “Sorry, but I have to go back right now. It was nice to meet you.”

Before she could reply, he'd already walked away, his heart slamming painfully in his chest. His love had always been foolish, but now he truly understood just how foolish it was.

When he got to the booth, Yunho and Changmin were poking each other and laughing, and it hurt more than ever to see that smile that would never really, truly belong to him. Jaejoong all of the popsicles into Changmin's hands and stepped away.

“I'm going back,” he said. “I'm not feeling well.”

“Eh?” Yunho said, reaching his hand forward to press against Jaejoong's forehead, though Jaejoong ducked away before they could touch. “Is it the heat?”

“I'm going back,” Jaejoong repeated. His voice sounded hollow even to him.

“I'll go back with you,” Yunho said quickly.

“No. I'm fine.”

“I'm going with you. Enjoy the popsicles, Minnie, and try not to pass out before the booth closes, okay?”

Yunho attempted to link his arms with Jaejoong's to help hm along the street, but Jaejoong jerked away again. He didn't want to be touched anymore. He didn't want to fall any more in love than he already was. It had been happy but painful all along, but the happiness was slowly slipping from him, and it would only get worse if he allowed himself to hang on. He'd have to give Yunho and Minhee his blessing and step back. He'd let him have the songs in his notebook, but he'd never let him touch the pain that was accumulating into words in his head right at that moment. Not for the sake of pleasing someone else. There was nothing they could share anymore that wouldn't also belong to her, and this feeling at the very least he wanted to keep to himself.

“Did something happen?” Yunho asked worriedly, most likely thinking of another incident with Junwoo and Seunghee.

You were the one who hurt me this time, Jaejoong thought bitterly. You told me to be honest with you, but you were the one who lied.

0o0

Jaejoong threw his notebook in Yunho's face when he asked for it after dinner. He originally hadn't wanted Yunho to know how mad he was since Yunho struck him as the kind of guy who'd get mad right back if he thought it was for a stupid reason, but he couldn't help himself. Go on and learn one of my precious songs for your girlfriend. Even the songs I wrote when thinking about you.

“Pick whatever one you want,” Jaejoong snapped. “I don't care.”

“You're mad at me,” Yunho said grumpily. “Did I even do anything to you between leaving you to get popsicles and you coming back?”

“I'm not mad.”

“'Said Jaejoong, angrily'.”

“Just pick a stupid song and get over with it.”

“That'll be hard because there are no stupid songs.”

“Cut it out.”

“You cut it out. If I pissed you off, tell me. Because you're pissing me off right now for getting mad for no reason.”

Instead of answering, Jaejoong crossed his arms and glared at the wall. He really didn't have the right to be mad. He knew something like this could happen, and he had known all along that Yunho was straight. But what hurt most of all was that he thought Yunho really had genuinely loved his music for what it was, rather than as a stepping stone to auditioning and regaining the girl he had lost.

Yunho flipped the notebook open to a page and tossed it into Jaejoong's lap. “Fine. Read it for me.”

It was an English song. Still in love. Jaejoong's eyes narrowed. Of course he would pick that. He knew all about still being in love with someone and wanting to be back together again. Jaejoong wasn't sure if he could take the lyrics himself, so he tossed the notebook back at Yunho. It didn't feel so long ago that he'd treated it preciously, but here he was loathing the songs that would still be all he had left when he went back home.

“Pick something in Korean if you can't read it.”

Yunho threw it back. “No. You're talking to me, even if you don't want to.”

“Fine!” Instead of singing the words as he usually would, Jaejoong recited them, deapan. I know nobody can ever take your place... I'm a lost man for you, will I ever break through? Such sad and desperate words, but they struck him even more painfully now. He hadn't known this kind of love when he wrote them, and now that he knew, he wished he could go back to being ignorant. He wished he had never run away, that he'd never had to know what it was truly like to have his heart broken.

“Say the last few lines again.”

“I'm nothing but a fool for you, but I don't care, I'll always be here loving you with all I've got. I don't care if you love me or not.”

“'I don't care if you love me or not,'” Yunho repeated in English. His brow knotted. “That line, why did you include it?”

“What do you mean?”

“Isn't that a pretty sad thing to say to someone?”

“It means that even if someone doesn't love you, you can still love them in spite of that.”

“Yeah, but what if they do love you? Aren't you just saying that their love doesn't mean anything to you, and yours is the only one that matters?” He shook his head. “I'm sure that's honorable, being okay with suffering through a one sided love, but shouldn't you care about what they feel?”

“If they don't love you, there's not much you can do,” Jaejoong said tightly.

“Maybe not much. But still, 'I don't care if you love me or not,' sounds a little bit like giving up to me.”

“Well, I'm sure that's wonderful and all for who someone strong enough not to give up, but not everyone is like that!”

“If someone won't become strong for the sake of someone they love, who will they become strong for?”

Jaejoong stared at him. There were no traces of the smile that had stolen his heart just as that morning, only a frown that was as tense as his own. But that, too, was beautiful. Minhee wasn't here after all. This look really was for him, something he had caused. This critique of his music satisfied him even more than all the praises Yunho had previously heaped upon him. He wanted to write something so powerful and painful that Yunho wouldn't just look upon it as a way of taking music as seriously as Minhee wanted him to. He wanted to write a song so that when Yunho read it, he would think of only him.

Looks like I'm still in love, too, he thought as threw the notebook back into Yunho's hands and stalked off to lock himself in the bathroom for awhile. And I do care about how you feel, you idiot. Not that it's going to do me, or you, the slightest bit of good...

"It’s painful that everyone knows 
It’s so true 
I’m nothing but a fool for you 
But I don’t care, I’ll always be here 
Loving you with all I got 
I don’t care if you love me or not"