PHANTOM

The MT took time to plan, so they still had to begin their new schedules before squeezing in a vacation first. Almost as soon as Yoochun was introduced to the other trainees, they were whisked off into more variety lessons, which moved into Japanese studies, then vocals and dance. By time the day was over, Jaejoong felt like he was seeing stars, and it didn't get much easier from there. Their school hours were whittled down, but their practice schedules were so packed that he almost missed his old classroom and its slower pace. He still liked working on his vocals and dance, especially since Yoochun was with them and their sound was better than it had been before, but all the other lessons on how to act and what to say were more wearing. He wished they could just say and do whatever the hell they pleased, but seeing what had happened to Saehee clued him into the fact that being careless could do them in faster than singing the occasional bad note or missing a dance step would.

After the first week, they were finally given some time off so they could catch up on their school work and vocal groups one and two could have free reign of the practice room, but Jaejoong still opted to go in. He'd been doing a decent job of keeping up with his assignments in the evenings before he went to bed, but he hadn't been able to do much work on the debut songs he was supposed to be working on. He'd met with Hi Stan and the rest of the production department, and they'd come up with their gameplan: they'd start off with two tracks to showcase the group's two different sides for the debut stage. One would be a slower paced number that would highlight their vocals and harmonization, the second would be a dance piece. Stan had a music sample for the first track ready, but Jaejoong had only been able to listen to it a few times so far, and he hadn't thought at all about what lyrics he wanted for it yet.

Chaozhi, Chansik, and Haejin were in the practice room stretching when Jaejoong made it to C&M. “Hyung!” Chansik said, his eyes lighting up. “I didn't think you would be in today!”

“I'm just going to be using one of the vocal rooms,” he said, lifting up his lyric notebook. “I'm sorry I haven't really been able to see you guys lately.”

“At least the MT is soon,” Chansik said. Jaejoong was glad to see he looked cheerful now; out of all the trainees, he'd been the most disappointed about the news vocal team three were debuting without him, most likely because he'd been with Yunho and Jaejoong at the beginning and was the only original trainee not moving forwards.

“The boot camp won't be difficult, will it?” Chaozhi asked anxiously. Jaejoong could only shrug. He really didn't know what any of them could expect at the MT, though he hoped it would be as relaxing as Hyunsoo nim promised it would be.

As soon Jaejoong settled into the vocal room and popped in the CD demo Hi Stan had made for him. Whenever he saw Stan, he thought of dance beats with an urban feel, but he'd done a good job of softening up for the first single they were working on. It had a lounge-y type feel at the beginning, and was fairly uncomplicated overall since their vocals were supposed to be the focal point of the song. The target theme of the song was sweetness and innocent love, which was a first for Jaejoong. He'd written about love plenty of times, but rarely anything particularly innocent. More like complicated, because that was the kind of love he knew best.

He played the demo tape a few more times and cracked open his notebook. I don't think I'm in innocent love right now, he reminded himself, but there are parts of it that are a little more simple than I thought. Just wanting to be with Yunho, the feeling of wanting to stay by his side... there may be complicated sides to it, but it's pretty straightforward all the same.

Holding the melody in his head, he picked up his pen and scribbled down the first thoughts that popped into his mind. Just for one day, I want to be the bed in your room...

“How sweet,” said a voice from behind him.

Jaejoong's heart almost lept of his chest, even though he knew without thinking who it was right away. “Soorin noona,” he said, trying to catch his breath. “Next time, could you knock please?”

“You were concentrating,” Soorin said without even a hint of remorse. “Do you have time now. Today's the day.” She lifted up the flier from the bookstore she'd shown him previously.

“Oh,” Jaejoong said, sighing. “That. Noona, I really have to work on writing this song right now.”

She looked at him, and though he couldn't get an exact expression from her, she knew she was trying to convey something to him. “I know,” she said finally. “I heard that you are aiming to debut. You need to write your song, and I am only interrupting. But I...” She reached out and grabbed his hand. “I'm afraid.”

“You're afraid,” Jaejoong echoed. He looked closer at her face and saw that she was telling the truth. was tense, and the hand holding his was shaking just slightly. He thought about how he would feel in shoes. Undoubtedly just as nervous. He'd faced rejection from his parents, too, and it had been a heart rending experience for him to wait in limbo to know whether or not they would accept him for who he was. He'd only been able to take it because he'd had Yunho; if he hadn't had anyone, he wouldn't have been able to face up to them head on. He'd have kept running, refusing to understand or be understood.

Jaejoong sighed. “All right, noona. Just one thing. Do you think you can take it if you wind up disappointed by this whole thing? Just because I'll be there doesn't mean you won't end up getting hurt.”

She nodded. “I know. But this feeling in my heart right now... or maybe the lack of everything it should be feeling... isn't this hurt already?” For the first time since he'd met her, she finally used a questioning inflection. It only made sense; this had to be the thing she was most unsure of.

“I guess I can just work more on this later, then,” Jaejoong said, resignedly shutting his notebook. “It's not a far walk, is it?”

“It isn't.” She handed Jaejoong his coat and waited for him to bundle himself back up in his hat and scarf. She was also wearing a scarf to cover her face, which he was glad for. He didn't know how much the literary crowd followed idols like Starkiss, but it would be easier for them if they weren't mobbed by fans in the process of her meeting her alleged father.

They had to cut through the practice room to reach the stairs to the lobby. Jongwoo and Shinwon had shown up since Jaejoong had first arrived, and they were caught up in the routine they were working on together. Only Chansik noticed Jaejoong as he passed, and his eyes widened when he registered the sight of Soorin pulling him by the sleeve.

This really isn't what it looks like this time, Chansik, Jaejoong thought, but there was nothing he could do. Soorin was moving swiftly, and they were already out of the room and heading down the stairs by time the words came to him.

Soorin marched him wordlessly through the street, and with every step she took, her grip on Jaejoong's arm grew tighter. Jaejoong didn't complain. This was the way she manifested her nervousness, he guessed, and she had every right to be terrified.

“Did you read his book?” Jaejoong asked, finally, when it got to the point where she was starting to cut off his circulation. Soorin paused and loosened her grip.

“Park Junho's. Yes, I read it. He isn't a bad writer. But-” She pursed her lips. “It's not like you on your audition tape. When I hear that song, I know you are being honest. That you are confronting your own story, your own truth, even if it's in the safety of a song. With his writing, he is dodging something. His same old story is of being a good father who sacrifices for the family, but there is always a different feeling hanging over his words. As if he doesn't really know what family means. As if his characters really want something else, and are settling into the roles he gives them.” She looked Jaejoong in the eye. “Was it easy for you to be upfront. When you were writing your songs.”

He thought about it. “It was, for the most part. I hid things from a lot of people all the time... if I couldn't even be honest with myself, what would the point of me being me be? If that makes sense.”

She nodded, and fell silent again. They'd reached the front of the bookstore. Posters with Park Junho's face were spread across the doorway. Through the glass, Jaejoong could see a sizable crowd waiting around a long table where he assumed Park Junho would be having his signing. Stacks of his books were set on prominent displays throughout the shop.

Soorin made no move to open the doors, so Jaejoong did it for her. The smell of coffee and paper greeted them, a soothing scent Jaejoong hoped would settle her down. A few people's eyes glanced over them, but no one seemed to recognize her. She had a quiet presence, after all, and Jaejoong was still a nobody no one knew about.

“Want me to get you some coffee?” he asked as Soorin shifted around listlessly.

“I'm the sunbae. I should get you coffee.”

“Forgive me, noona, but I'm not the one who's having a difficult time right now.”

The corners of her lips twitched faintly. “Okay. Just this once.”

Jaejoong headed over to the coffee corner and ordered drinks for both of them. The people around him were all talking excitedly about Park Junho's new book, about how much they liked it, and Jaejoong felt a rush of loyalty towards Soorin when he heard them. He may not even be the kind of person you think he is, he scolded them in his head. What kind of person leaves his wife because she was cancer? Not to mention his daughter...

Jaejoong's phone started ringing in his pocket, but because his hands were full with their coffee cups, he couldn't answer it. It was probably just Chansik trying to figure out why he'd run off with Soorin, or something. He could worry about that later. Right now, he needed to focus on Soorin. He remembered being like her, starved for human connection but too withdrawn to reach it. She needed her closure one way or another, and he wanted her to know she had someone who would look out for her when all was said and done. She was still a bit of a mystery to him, but she had always been kind to him in her own little way. At the very least, she had trusted him, and he wanted to be worthy of that effort on her part.

Soorin accepted the coffee he offered her and took a long sip. She'd pulled a copy of Park Junho's book out of her purse and had it tucked under her arm. She hadn't given Jaejoong any indication of what she was going to tell the man she guessed was her father when she got it signed, but there was a good chance that even she didn't know yet. Jaejoong thought so rarely of his birth parents that he couldn't exactly say what he would do in her shoes. Maybe ask 'why?', while at the same time wondering what actually knowing the answer would change.

“I have something to ask,” Soorin asked suddenly. “When I was a trainee, I was worried about debuting. That people would figure out my situation, and it would cause pain for my mother. Do you worry, too. That people might figure out.”

“Might figure out what?”

“About you and Yunho-ssi.”

Jaejoong face froze. “What... about us?”

“That you love each other.”

“I... we...” His heart was slamming. He had told himself he would be careful, but she knew. Shinwon knew. Chansik maybe knew, too, unless the fact that Jaejoong had been walking together with Soorin threw him off. What was he doing wrong? How long would it be before everyone else also figured it out?

“You don't need to worry,” she said. “I saw your audition tape many times because I liked your song, and I was jealous of it because I haven't been able to be so honest. You were never looking at the camera when you sang that song. You were looking at the person holding the camera. I saw Yunho-ssi's audition tape, too, so I could guess that it was him. I think as long as your feelings are that strong, people may figure out. But at the same time-” she waved her hand to indicate everyone standing in the room- “some people will never see the truth even if you show them. That kind of blindness can keep you safe. I think that maybe if your love is your same old story, only some people will be able to read it clearly, even if it is the truth. I hope you'll be fine.” This time when she 'smiled,' her lips shifted into a more convincing upturn.

He wanted to thank her for thinking of him when she should have been thinking of herself, but all of a sudden, the room erupted in cheers. Park Junho was walking in accompanied by his editor to the autograph table in the center of the bookstore. Soorin's eyes narrowed, her slight attempt at a smile instantly vanished.

Jaejoong loved to read, but he'd never concerned himself before with following authors as individuals, and after Park Junho began his dialogue, he decided to leave it that way for now. Soorin was right about him having a “same old story,” since all he seemed able to fixate on was how the world was going to hell in a handbasket. No one cared about morals anymore, teens were loose about , Western boldness was starting to seep into Eastern media to spoil their minds. Most of his audience was made up of like minded readers, but Jaejoong couldn't really count himself among their number considering that he was a gay teenage boy who would have with his boyfriend in a heartbeat if they could find the time and place to actually do it.

“The youths of this generation are of a different mind than those of mine were,” Park Junho was saying. “They treat marriage as something they can throw away when it gets tiresome. They forget that their family is more important than themselves, that those ties last far beyond anything they can accomplish on their own. That is the journey the main character must go through. His wife walks out on him, leaving him and their infant son as a divided family. To heal the pain, he thinks he must fill his life with trivialities. He gives the care of his son over to a nanny and pursues power and wealth and individual ambition, and finds that it does not make him happy. But when he gives himself over to the role of 'father,' that is where his joy lies. He realizes he cannot be like his wife, leaving his family a gaping wound. He must fill it and guide his son to understand that 'family' has meaning, and that bond should never be severed under any circumstances.”

Soorin hissed under her breath, but everyone else nodded and clapped. He had plenty more to say on the subject, but his editor moved him along to the Q&A. Jaejoong hadn't read the book, so most of what was exchanged didn't make much sense to him, up until the point where a nearby ahjumma lifted her hand.

“I was curious,” she said, her voice verging on flirtatious. “How did family life become such an important subject to you? I was under the impression you weren't married.”

Soorin tensed. Park Junho only smiled humbly. “A fair question,” he said smoothly. “I have been a bachelor for far too long to be a true expert on the subject. But perhaps my true level of understanding will improve very soon. I'm proud to announce that I am engaged to my partner of two years, Jang Chaeyeon. She's a mother herself, to a beautiful little girl who lost her father to illness far too soon. It is my hope to be a good and loving father to her, and a loyal husband to Chaeyeon, who has suffered so much. Both are here with us tonight. Girls, would you wave to the audience?”

A pretty woman in a business suit stepped forward with a young girl who looked to be about eight clinging to her side. The woman waved demurely, while her daughter hid shyly behind her leg. Jaejoong in his breath and chanced a glance at Soorin. Her normal blankness was gone, replaced by a look of cold fury.

The Q&A wrapped up, and bookstore staff ushered everyone into a line to receive their autographs. Quite a few readers stopped and chatted, so they had to wait for a time before reaching the table. Soorin remained resolutely silent, and Jaejoong didn't disturb her. She had plenty of things she needed to release, and none of them were meant for him.

During their wait, Jaejoong checked his phone. Yunho was the one who had called earlier, and he'd left a text message asking if Jaejoong was still at the company. Explaining the situation loosely would take too much time at the moment, so he decided to call back when it was all over. He couldn't go around sharing Soorin's secrets, but he didn't want Yunho to worry about where he was and what he was doing, either.

Finally, they reached the front of the line. Soorin tossed her copy of the book in front of Park Junho, and he opened it up to the flyleaf. “Would you like me to use your name, young lady?” he asked. Jaejoong winced. His sweet and paternal voice was probably the last thing Soorin wanted to hear.

She unwrapped the scarf away from her face. “I'm from an idol group. Starkiss.”

He looked up from the book and got his first proper look at her. Jaejoong doubted that in itself would trigger any memories since Soorin had done a lot of growing since then, but it at least forced him to look into her unnerving and cold eyes.

“Ah, Starkiss?” he said. “I'm afraid I'm a bit of an old man when it comes to you kids and your music. I've heard of Starkiss, and I'm glad someone of such talent would show an interest in me, but you'll have to give me your name.”

“Park Soorin,” she said.

Park Junho's expression immediately tightened. He stared hard at her, as if comparing the timelines in his mind. How old she'd been when he'd left, how old she looked now. Soorin steadfastly held his gaze, challenging him into pretending he didn't know her. She was right, after all, Jaejoong thought. This is him.

“I'm trying to be a writer, too,” Soorin said firmly. “A songwriter. But there's a problem. Before I became a trainee, a lot of bad things happened to me and someone I cared about. And I don't know why they had to happen. This is the story I keep trying to tell, but I don't know the truth. Maybe I'm too young, part of the foolish younger generation like you said. My family is a gaping wound, I think marriage is disposable, because the marriage I grew up watching was disposed. That's what experience taught me. I don't know how to be any different.” She nudged the book and its open flyleaf closer to him. “You never taught me that part.”

He stared at her, open mouthed. For someone who had gone on and on earlier, he'd run out of words. Even the staff noticed how long he was taking with Soorin, and hurried over to alert his editor at the coffee shop.

“Maybe you can teach her, instead,” Soorin said, nodding to the little girl flipping through a book on her mother's knee at the front of the store. “But I deserve the truth just as much.”

Park Junho squeezed his pen between his fingers. “I didn't know what to do,” he whispered.

“About my mother dying?”

“About you. You were just a little girl, but you needed so many things. Your mother knew how to handle you, but she was... going to waste away right before my eyes. But you were going to stay right where you were. No. You were going to stay, but you were going to change. You were going to need me to be something I couldn't be. I didn't know the first thing about raising a kid, all I could do was write, and even then... I couldn't write anything that was worth the paper I wrote it on. I'm so-”

“You're not sorry,” she said fiercely. “Umma's still alive. You know that. But you never came back. I'm sure they told you that I was put in foster care, that mom could barely afford to pay for her medication and radiation. But you didn't come back. Maybe you didn't know that I became an idol so I could actually do your job and pay for the woman you threw away because you didn't give a about me, but now you do. And you aren't going to come back. So go on and try your hand at being a father to a little girl who is going to grow and need things, and let her mother do all the work for you. Is that your 'truth'? In that case, I'm glad you left. I don't want to be a part of that 'same old story'. I'll make one of my own. One without a father. Fathers are the people who raise you, so I don't even have one. All I have is a selfish piece of .”

She snatched her copy of his book out from under his nose and threw it onto the floor. Park Junho's editor was approaching them, looking alarmed, but Soorin grabbed Jaejoong's arm and dragged him into the crowds of people and out the door. The cold wind lashed them both on the face, but she ignored it, pulling him down the street without stopping. He thought he heard footsteps following after them for a moment-- one of the bookstore's staff to admonish them?-- but eventually that fell away and it was just the two of them winding their way through alleys that led them to one of the city's hospital centers.

“Soorin noona!” he called to her. He didn't know why she was taking him here, and he at least wanted her to stop for a few seconds. But the momentum of her anger and hurt propelled her forward. She continued to pull him into the hospital's courtyard where there was a small garden and a series of spaced out benches. There were people on some of them-- some of them crying, some of them simply tired looking, some of them alone and staring off into the distance anxiously. Soorin pushed him down into one of the benches, and before he knew what was happening, she had wrapped her arms around him and was crying into his shoulder.

Jaejoong didn't know what to do at first. He didn't know how long it had been since Soorin had cried, either alone or with someone there, and he wasn't sure how to confront the rawness of her grief. Knowing what he knew about her now made him feel terrible. The man he'd just seen had abandoned her, left her to this, left her emotionally lost and forced to carry the burden of something much too big for her to handle. Jaejoong suddenly felt terribly selfish. He'd run away from his own mother, and for what? He didn't want to take it back because running was how he'd found Yunho, but his problems now felt a bit more insignificant in the face of someone else's pain. Still a part of him knew better than to compare. She'd said it herself: our pain doesn't belong to each other. It didn't change the fact that he felt bad on her behalf, but he knew he shouldn't disregard his own feelings because they were lesser to hers.

He wrapped her arms around her and let her cry. That was all he could do. Everything she had bottled inside her heart was pouring out, and if she needed someone to be there and catch her tears, he could do that much for her.

After awhile, her sobs started to even out. “It was because of me,” Soorin sniffled into his damp shirt. “He said the reason was because of me.”

“You know that's wrong, don't you?”

She shook her head. “I know, I know, I know. I didn't do anything wrong. I was just a little kid. I didn't understand anything. But the truth...” She sniffled. “So many years of my life were wasted wondering if that liar loved me. If he would come back for me, if he would make everything okay again. I couldn't... I wanted so badly to hate him. I wanted to write my story, the story of how much I hated being abandoned... but I couldn't even make myself write a single bad word against that... complete...!”

Jaejoong patted her head, trying to think of what to say. “It doesn't have to be like that anymore,” he said gently. “That's the way you were before, but that doesn't mean you have to stay that way, never changing.You can sing like you love to do. You can write whatever you want about that complete , and I'll help you. You're free. You don't have to think about anyone coming back for you, because you don't need that kind of person. You have your mother. You have Gaeun and Saehee and Brie noona.” He took a deep breath. “And you have me, too. I'm your friend, noona.”

“Friend?” Soorin lifted her head, exposing her red and tear stained face. It was strangely beautiful, Jaejoong thought. He'd never had a friend that was a girl before, even though he'd trusted them more than guys. Perhaps it was because he wanted what they had-- the ability to appear beautiful to men, to be wanted by them-- that he had stayed away. But he didn't feel that way anymore. He had someone who thought he was beautiful, who wanted him. He couldn't hide behind that excuse anymore. Being loved by someone made him want to be more caring towards others who were blind to love in their own lives. He didn't know how much he could really do for Soorin in the end, but being her friend was as good a step as any.

“You'd be my friend,” Soorin said, rubbing her eyes fiercely. “Someone like me. Someone like you who already has so many friends would be friends with someone like me.”

“So many friends?” Jaejoong repeated with a snort. “Noona, last year I didn't have a single friend. The only reason I have any is because I let Yunho in. After that... because I had someone I knew wouldn't hate me, it became so much easier.”

“And you won't hate me?” she asked with a bitter laugh. “I'm a ghost girl. I've been this way for too long to become someone else so easily.”

“You're not a ghost,” Jaejoong said firmly. “Ghosts don't feel the kind of pain you're feeling. And just because that's what people say you are, doesn't make it true. You're allowed to be who you want. There isn't anything stopping you anymore, is there?”

Soorin studied him, and tears began slipping beautifully from her eyes again. “You're telling the truth,” she said, her voice actually sounding somewhat awed. “You really mean it. I'm not a ghost anymore. And I have a story I'd like to tell.” She extended a hand to him, leaving it open for his choice. “Will you help me say it, Jaejoong ah?”

Because I'm so used to loneliness
That it's okay if it continues like this
In one moment, it bursts into flames
And such dreams disappear, forgotten
Oh, because I don't want to cry
I began to want more in life

In the middle of the endless darkness
You come to find me
The moment you try to catch me, I move again
This presence I try to hide
Reveals itself little by little