LET THE RHYTHM FLOW

Jaejoong was exhausted enough to sleep for hours, but there was no way his mind was going to shut off now. About a half-an-hour after Yunho left the room to take a shower, Jaejoong made a big show of yawning and stretching when he woke up for the benefit of Changmin, who was still stretched out on the bed, flipping through a volume of manga he'd brought with him. He looked up briefly at Jaejoong and said good morning, but went back to reading almost right away.

All right, if I wasn't being delusional this morning, he knows something about Yunho and me. I just need to get him to talk about it, so I can be sure. Shouldn't be too difficult...

“So,” Jaejoong began. “Yunho-”

“He's in the bathroom.”

“Uh, yeah, I figured. I could hear the shower running...”

“By the way, what kind of breakfast food did you guys buy yesterday, hyung?”

“Breakfast? I got some eggs for omelets, but-”

“Mmm, I've never had you cook breakfast for me before.” He his lips. “Oh, but don't be in a rush, hyung. I can wait.”

“Okay. But-”

“Did you get bit at all by the mosquitoes last night? My arm is kind of itching. I wonder if Yunho hyung remembered to bring some cream with him?” Changmin grabbed Yunho's bag off the floor. “Actually, I'm surprised he even remembered to bring his toothbrush. He usually forgets.”

“I packed it for him. But Changmin ah-”

“Spoiling him again?” Changmin snorted. “No wonder he's-”

This time Changmin was the one to be interrupted by Yunho opening the door, clad in only a towel wrapped around his waist. His hair was dripping wet and plastered to his forehead, and there were a few drops sliding down his neck and chest as well. By time Jaejoong processed the situation, he'd already gotten a good eyeful and found it incredibly difficult to tear his gaze away, even though he felt his ears growing hot at the sight of him.

Yunho lifted up the pair of jeans in his hands. “Looks like I grabbed yours by mistake, Changmin ah.” He glanced down at Jaejoong. “Ah, you're awake. You still look tired, did you not sleep well?”

“I slept fine!” Jaejoong insisted a little too loudly. He glanced up at the ceiling, trying to keep his composure. “I mean, I was completely asleep the whole night, it just wasn't a very restful sleep, that's all.”

“I wonder why,” Changmin said drily.

“If you need to sleep a little longer, that's fine,” Yunho said, throwing Changmin's jeans over to him and grabbing his own from the floor. “Someone else can make breakfast.”

Changmin groaned, but didn't say anything. He and Yunho weren't very good cooks, and Junsu and Yoochun were only okay. If Jaejoong went back to sleep, it would mean a severe drop in quality for Changmin's meal, but clearly he wasn't about to cross Yunho over it. How much does he know about whatever is going on between Yunho and me? I know he's the closest to Yunho, but would he really be so composed if Yunho got interested in a guy out of nowhere?

“It's fine,” Jaejoong said weakly. “I can cook breakfast.” He got up and stretched, still looking slightly upwards rather than at Yunho's face or body. “I'll just take a shower first.”

“If you're sure. But you really aren't looking too well.” Yunho leaned forward and placed his hand on Jaejoong's forehead, testing its heat. “Maybe you should take it easy for today?”

“I-I'm fine!” The words rang incredibly hollow. As soon as Yunho's face had gotten closer to his, he'd chanced a glance, and their eyes had met. Just seeing himself reflected back in them was enough to drill holes into his heart. There's a chance that you like me, and I don't even know how to ask you. I don't know what to do or say to figure out if it's real, or if 'getting your head on straight' means that you're trying not to feel anything for me or not.

“Your forehead is hot,” Yunho said, his brow wrinkling.

A volume of manga glanced over Jaejoong's shoulder and hit Yunho square in the face. “Hyung!” Changmin snapped. “Stop acting like someone's mother and let him take a shower! And put some pants on!”

Yunho drew away and pouted. “Your hyung might be sick, you punk!”

“He's not sick, he's-” Changmin sighed in frustration. “God, I can't take it anymore! I'm going to hang out with Junsu and Yoochun hyung until you stop being stupid.” He stormed out of the room.

“That brat. What's his problem?”

“Uh... nothing. He just needs breakfast, I'm sure.” Jaejoong scrambled around for his clothes and towel. “Well, I'm going to take that shower, so... um, see you later?”

“You're just going to the bathroom. No need for farewells.” Yunho bent down-- why wasn't he being careful, what if the towel fell off?!?-- and picked up his shirt. “Ah, and Boojae?”

“Y-yes?”

“I think I thought of the perfect melody for your song last night. Let's work on it as soon as we get back, okay?”

“...okay...” He'd forgotten about his song to begin with, a first for him. He almost wanted to set the whole thing aside and talk for real with Yunho about everything. Not music or the audition tape, but about everything else they weren't saying. If only he was braver. Even hearing a partial confession of something from Yunho wasn't enough to take him over that edge just yet.

He hurried over to the shower before Yunho could start undressing in front of him, and turned the water on. While he pulled off his own clothes, he glanced at himself in the mirror. His usually pale skin had tanned a bit, and his hair really was getting too long. He ran his fingers through it cautiously. What was Yunho starting to see in him? He wasn't bad looking, but he was still a guy. His chest was flat, and his body wasn't soft like a girl's, even though it was slender. From all his heavy lifting during the summer, he'd even built up a decent amount of muscle in his arms. As long as the person looking at him wasn't vision impaired like Jimin, he was clearly a man, and he was also everything that entailed. Was Yunho really considering him seriously? Or was Changmin's warning to tell Yunho to get over an idle curiosity before it wound up hurting Jaejoong?

Jaejoong stepped into the shower and let the cool water wash over him. He didn't know. He didn't know, and he didn't have the words to ask. But words weren't the only things to rely on. He remembered the night before on the docks, and how just leaning against Yunho and holding his hand felt like it had answered so much. That wasn't just a joke you did for fun, especially not with your friend. Even if Jimin was watching, neither of them needed to go that far.

As the water continued to pour, he wrapped his arms around himself. Whatever it was, it was still a step in the right direction, to a better place than he'd been in before. The summer had a deadline, and they were starting to approach it. If something was going to happen, surely it would happen before they said the goodbyes they weren't really going to say. He'd figure things out one way or another and end this blissful misery. No matter what the answer was, it had still been the best months of his life. He'd dropped into this world lost and half dead, but he didn't feel like that anymore. He was alive and happy, and he was in love with the person who had made him that way. Whatever the ending was, he had something beautiful to hold onto, more than just a tattered notebook filled with the suppressed feelings of a heart that until now he'd always been afraid of having.

0o0

After breakfast, they went back to the docks. They would be going back home in the evening, and everyone wanted to enjoy the cool water while they still could before going back to work in the heatwave. Jaejoong hadn't brought a pair of swimming trunks back with him from his house, so he had to borrow a pair of Junsu's, which he had to assume were from when he was a few years younger given their cute bear pattern.

Changmin and Yoochun ran for the water and jumped right in, but Junsu, Yunho, and Jaejoong stopped at the dock first to put on sunblock. Without even asking first, Yunho took care of covering Jaejoong's back when he'd finished taking care of his own arms, legs, and torso.

“Oh, you don't have to...” Jaejoong squeaked almost leaping away. The lotion felt cold on his back, and he still didn't know what to make of having Yunho touching him. How was one supposed to act around someone who might return your feelings but hadn't talked to you about it yet?

“What, were you going to do it yourself?” Yunho asked wryly. “Are you that flexible?”

“No...”

“Then let me. You'll regret it if you get burned.”

Jaejoong it up and let himself be touched. Yunho had beautiful hands, and the way he moved them felt good. He wanted to lose himself to it, but they weren't alone here, and he could feel Yunho watching him closely. Now wasn't the time to push it. Everything had felt so beautiful in this place, but they were going back to reality soon.

As soon as Yunho finished, Jaejoong slipped into the lake, submerging himself in the cool water. He'd never learned how to keep his eyes open under water, so he squeezed them and simply enjoyed the feeling of not being burned alive by the sun. He'd worried before that if he'd passed out from heat exhaustion again, he'd wind up waking up back home and have the whole thing revealed to be a dream, but he realized now how silly that was. It was just another form of running away from reality, and he didn't want to run away from this particular reality anymore.

When he rose again to the surface, Junsu and Yunho were in the water with him. Junsu had somehow gotten Changmin to give him a piggy back ride, and Yoochun was trying to knock them over by sending massive waves in their direction.

“Does someone want to fight me?” Junsu teased, making Changmin hoist him up onto his broad shoulders. “Let's have a wrestling match!”

“Let me take care of this one,” Yoochun said, helping himself onto Yunho's shoulders. “Jaejoong hyung, referee for us!”

Junsu and Yoochun vaulted at each other, trying to keep balance on Changmin and Yunho's shoulders. Junsu had the upper hand up top, but Yunho had let go of one of Yoochun's legs and was tickling Changmin in the stomach, making him sway all over the place while he was trying to keep control of Junsu.

It looked for a moment like Yoochun was going to win, but Yunho suddenly yelped and dropped down, causing Yoochun to lose his balance and fall over. Jaejoong thought for a moment that Changmin may have kicked him, but when Yunho emerged again, he'd admitted that a fish had brushed up against his leg and freaked him out.

“Junsu's the winner,” Jaejoong declared, laughing as Junsu and Changmin did a cute victory pose together.

“I'll challenge you now, Jaejoong hyung!” Junsu called out. “Prepare yourself!”

“I don't think my shoulders can take another round of having your on them, hyung” Changmin complained.

“Fine. Who wants to take over?”

“You can have Yoochun. I call Jaejoong.” Yunho sank down to give Jaejoong room to ease himself onto his shoulders. Jaejoong sighed, resigning himself. Perhaps this excess of skinship was Yunho's way of determining whether he was repelled by Jaejoong or not. If he could stand having Jaejoong's crotch smashed up against his head, maybe that would be a good sign.

Jaejoong reached out and locked hands with Junsu, trying to give him a good shove and not become overly distracted by Yunho's hands on his knees. Junsu had fantastic balance, but Yunho's was better than Yoochun's, which helped to keep Jaejoong steady. He took a quick swipe at Junsu, which was quickly blocked, but he noticed that Yoochun was slow to recover from Junsu's movements, which would leave an opening if he looked for it.

Yunho apparently thought the same thing. Still keeping his hands firmly clamped on Jaejoong's legs to keep him balanced, he slowly raised a leg, and just as Jaejoong moved forward to push Junsu, he prodded Yoochun in the stomach with his knee. Both Junsu and Yoochun lurched back, and when Junsu tried to lean forward to compensate for the loss of balance, Yoochun fell the rest of the way over. Jaejoong had also slipped a little, but resting his hand on top of Yunho's head had kept him from falling off completely.

“Jaejoong wins,” Changmin announced, dunking Junsu again as a punishment.

Yunho let out a whoop, and Jaejoong tried to slide off his shoulders and back into the water since the battle was won. On his way down, Yunho grabbed his legs and held them at his sides, putting Jaejoong in a piggyback position. “Come on, let's take a victory lap,” he said, treading forward.

Just enjoy it, Jaejoong told himself, wrapping his arms around Yunho's shoulders. Junsu and Changmin were still in the middle of a dunking battle, and Yoochun was hovering nearby to make sure they didn't kill each other, so no one noticed them slipping away for a moment.

“Your balance was really great,” Jaejoong said, for lack of anything better to say. “Thanks for helping me back there.”

“It would be good,” Yunho said, sounding a little proud. “It's something I've been practicing, I mean.”

“You've been practicing water wrestling?”

“Balancing, Jae.” He let go of Jaejoong's legs, at last letting him slide off his back. “You're so light, when I'm holding you,” he said. “It's relaxing.”

“Relaxing,” Jaejoong repeated.

“Yeah, it's like-”

“Yunho ah!”

The two of them glanced over. They'd drifted close to the docks next door, where Jimin was lying down, flipping through a magazine. She was waving at them, and for once, her glasses were on her face.

“Jimin noona,” Yunho said, waving back. “Good morning.”

“Yunho ah, your girlfriend is shirtless and is also a man,” she said, grinning. “You guys are such troublesome boys, letting me think your one friend was a girl last year and doing the exact same thing this year. Sorry about that...” She waited for Jaejoong to supply his name.

“Kim Jaejoong,” Jaejoong finished for her.

“Jaejoong ah. I really apologize for mistaking you. I just never would have guessed Yunho ah would be dating such a beautiful man. But really, you two do look so good together.”

Aish, only a girl would make that kind of mistake so quickly and have no problem with it, Jaejoong thought. Even Minhee hadn't been as upset as she could have been when he rejected her because of Yunho. These girls really are something.

“About that-” he started to say, but Yunho touched his shoulder and shook his head.

“It's no trouble, noona,” Yunho said. “I shouldn't have teased you about it.”

“Don't worry,” she said, waving her hand. “I should have known better, I already knew all of you guys are pranksters. Don't mind me. You two go off and have fun.”

Yunho nodded, and began paddling back to where Junsu, Changmin, and Yoochun were still drenching each other with water. Jaejoong hesitated for a moment, then swan after him. That's the second time he's let her misunderstand. And this time he let her think that he was... why is he doing this? Why isn't he telling me properly?

Jaejoong caught up with Yunho and grabbed hold of one of his arms. “Yunho...”

“Yes?”

“Why did you let her think that? About us?” He held his breath. There was a chance that Yunho would answer to everything right then, but he wanted to know. Changmin knew and Yoochun knew, and if Yoochun knew, there was a chance Junsu knew, too. He was the only one who didn't, even though he was the one who had waited the longest and been hurt the most.

“If she thinks that, she won't fall for you, will she?” Yunho said quietly.

“Fall for me? You were the one she probably liked from last summer, if you didn't notice.”

“I noticed. That didn't stop Minhee, did it? What if Jimin noona is the same?”

Jaejoong stared at him in disbelief. “That's... that's not likely at all and you know it!”

“Do I?”

“And even if it was... we're only going to be here for a few a more hours, what could possibly happen between now and then?”

“There's always a moment when people fall in love, and who's to say it can't be between now and then. So I'm not going to let you get pulled in again this time. It pisses me off.”

The word came from Jaejoong's lips before he could stop it: “Why?”

“Why?” Yunho repeated. “If you were thinking properly about someone, wouldn't you want them to think properly about-”

He never got to finish his sentence. Yoochun, Junsu, and Changmin's water fight had drifted over to them, and a huge wave of water sloshed over their faces, courtesy of Junsu. Yunho grabbed him a headlock and ground his knuckles into his head, but it was too late. The moment had passed, and they couldn't pull it back in front of an audience. But it was okay, in a way. Jaejoong had heard all he needed to hear.

He paddled back over to the docks and climbed up as Yunho launched a single-handed assault on the Junsu. After he toweled off, he simply sat there, trying to steady his heart. It's not just me, he repeated to himself over and over again. He feels it too, he has to, no other answer makes sense. It may have started with just me feeling this way, but now... but now...

Was it really okay, though? From the moment Jaejoong had understood who he was, he'd also understood he was in for a lifetime of hiding from people who would fear and hate him for it. He'd resolved himself to that, but how much had Yunho thought about it? Jaejoong had been fortunate enough to have his parents come around to the point where they were trying to be willing to understand, but there were only so many times he could be that lucky. What if it was even worse for Yunho? What if his parents wouldn't understand, what if wanted a family when he grew older, what if Jaejoong had thrown a giant wrench into his life by loving him?

This is why I wrote those words to Wasurenaide, he thought bitterly. Even when I should be the happiest I've ever been, I keep getting myself ready to lose everything. Maybe Yunho's right. Maybe he is thinking properly, and I'm the one who's not. I have to be better than this. If I can't let myself be happy now, when will I ever?

Yoochun poked his head out of the water nearby Jaejoong's feet, having abandoned Junsu and Yunho to their own little conflict. “Jaejoong hyung, you look like a bomb has gone off in your head. Are you all right?”

“I'm fine,” he said, at last smiling with all the joy he felt at what Yunho had said to him. “I'm perfect.”

0o0

He and Yunho didn't have the chance to talk alone again that afternoon, and by time dinner finally rolled around, Jaejoong was completely exhausted from his previous sleepless night. He managed to stay awake long enough to cook their final meal in the pension, but his body felt like a leaden weight as he packed his clothes up and got them into the car. He wanted to sleep, and then to think about everything clearly when he woke up and was rested. He wasn't alone with Yunho now, but he would be soon, and they'd have to talk about it. He wanted to talk about it. He wanted to stop waiting around with a question mark hanging over him and finally understand.

When the van was packed up, Changmin had to practically haul him up into the fish wagon, which Jaejoong was luckily too numb to smell. He instantly started dozing off on Changmin's arm, but Changmin shifted away for a moment and was replaced by a lower shoulder. Yunho. Jaejoong's eyes fluttered open for a moment, but closed again. Yunho would make sure he rested comfortably. Sure enough, an arm wrapped around him, keeping him warm and close.

He could faintly hear Yoochun saying something, but it felt like it was coming from a plane he didn't inhabit. Already, he was being pulled into dreams, dreams of the arms holding him that very moment, dreams where he bravely ran into them rather than away.

He couldn't say how long it was that he slept, but he knew he woke up again for a few minutes when Junsu reached Auntie Minjung's house. Yunho used the arm wrapped around him to half carry him out of the van and onto the ground. “Are you awake now?” he asked gently, holding him up with one arm, and grabbing their bags with the other.

“Barely,” Jaejoong said back, rubbing his eyes. “Just give me a moment...”

“It's fine,” Yunho said. “You can go back to sleep as soon as we're inside.”

“Mmm.” Jaejoong already felt his eyes closing again. He walked forward mechanically with Yunho leading the way, and he just barely managed to make it up the stairs without tripping. As soon as they were inside Yunho's room, Yunho helped him down into his futon on the floor. There was no way he'd summon up the energy to change, so he drowsily resigned himself to sleeping in his clothes for the night. He'd be a wrinkled mess in the morning, but he just wanted to sleep soundly for now.

Still, he reached out to grab Yunho's shirt for a moment before closing his eyes again. “Yunho...”

“Yes, Jae?”

“I've been thinking of you properly all this time. For so much longer than you.”

Yunho didn't say anything at first, so Jaejoong leaned into his pillow and started to give into the sleep sweetly pulling him. He was only just awake enough to feel something soft and tender pressing against his forehead, and then a voice saying, “You better not be dreaming right now.”

But he was. In his dreams, he heard the song of violins playing for him to a tune so beautiful that he wanted to cry. He had never heard it before, but it was somehow familiar to him, as if it had existed in his heart all this time and was now finally being unlocked. The words to the melody filled him. This was his song, the song of his pain, of his long journey of self-hatred, of his ceaseless want. He wanted to unburden himself and sing. He wanted Yunho to hear it.

I am...feeling... one kiss... one heart.

Because you’re here, this world is born
The moment you open your heart’s door
The love that awaits you is standing there
And that is me, give me your heart
I want you to stay