DON'T CRY MY LOVER

“Of course I'm mad!” Jaejoong yelled, hurling the water bottle he was holding at Yunho's chest. “I told you this would happen! And I told you that this affected me too, and you said you understood! What were you thinking?”

“I told you, I'm always thinking of you,” Yunho said, sighing. “It annoys me, all right? I have to fall all over myself to clear up rumors without a shed of truth in them about someone who has never shown a moment's interest in me, but when it comes to you, they'll just assume it's not true. Because supposedly I'm 'not like that'. Not like what? Not like someone who would choose to be with someone he loves, regardless of the obstacles?”

“There are certain things people don't know how to look past,” Jaejoong said, folding his arms across his chest. “Blame their upbringing or whatever you want, but that's the way. People who want to will always believe that you and me are or should be an impossibility.”

“That's their problem. Not mine. Certainly not yours.”

“Maybe. But if it's your family, that doesn't change the fact that it's something we need to live with.”

Yunho looked up at him. “When I go speak to them, you're coming with me.”

“Why? Do I need to be there to listen to you explain that you're not together with her? I know that. I know that better than anyone.” Jaejoong kicked the ground with the toe of his shoe. “Besides, I'm sure we need to practice for that showcase event.”

“You heard my mother. She'll interrupt whatever schedule I'm on. This is not something I want to talk about in front of everyone. Only you. Won't you come and support me? You've said already that this affects you.”

“It does. But your parents don't know that. If I show up just to stand in the background, won't they be confused?” He paused. “In fact, I can't imagine it would be all that fun for me to listen to them berate you again for not spending enough time with the opposite .”

Yunho surprised Jaejoong by wrapping his arms around his waist from his seated position and pressing his cheek against Jaejoong's stomach. “Please,” he whispered. “I know it will be painful. And I'll hate myself later for subjecting you to it. But you've said it already: this is my family. Just the thought of causing them to despair of me all over again terrifies me. I can only do it because I love you. Because I have something I want to fight for.”

Jaejoong chewed on his lower lip, softening a little at his words. “You understand how I feel, too, right? That I don't want you to go through another break in your family because you got involved with me?”

“I understand. But at the same time, I don't regret that moment I fell in love with you. I don't want anyone else to think it's regretful, either.” He turned his face and kissed Jaejoong's stomach through his shirt. “Come with me?”

“Fine!” Jaejoong said, throwing up his hands. “But next time... well, don't let there be a next time... but if you do, just tell your mother you're not dating whichever idol or actress or model. And if you're really dating someone else other than me, I'll break your nose.”

“You're welcome to it, if I really do break your heart.” He pulled away gently. “That won't be necessary, though.”

“Hmm? Because you won't be breaking my heart, I hope.”

“That, too.” He smiled sadly up at Jaejoong. “Just remember that what I want most is to protect you, all right? And there are different ways to do that.”

How many different ways? What are you thinking? He was about to ask when some of the B.P.M members showed up to tell them their vans were ready, and it was time to set the matter aside for the time being.

0o0

Yunho called his mother the next morning and arranged to meet her that evening at the hotel room they'd taken out for the sake of privacy, though his father had offered to rent them a private room at a nearby restaurant (“If I'm going to eat, I'd like to eat and not have any arguing get in the way of it,” he'd said, which earned a hearty approval from Changmin). In the afternoon, they worked on the setlist for their showcase-- which included Jaejoong's debut of “One Kiss,” at Hyunsoo nim's behest-- and when evening rolled around, the other members saw them off, wishing them good look and dividing up Yunho's stuff in case his mother killed him.

“She's not going to kill me,” Yunho muttered, opening the car door. “All I did was refuse to deny the same thing twice.”

“Look at it from a mother's perspective,” Jaejoong said, getting in the car beside him.

“What? All I'm doing is not dating a certain girl.”

“Added to the fact you ignored her calls...”

“All right, I won't do that again. You were right about that.” He scowled at the road ahead of him. “I still turn into a middle school brat who wanted to skip classes and dance when it comes to them, I guess. When they don't let me do what I want, I still feel that old feeling of rebellion.”

“Just keep it calm this time. Really, about us... they can find out at their own pace and maybe come to terms with it.” He looked at Yunho seriously. “I can take not being acknowledged, just this once. For you.”

“You shouldn't have to,” Yunho muttered. “That's what I keep thinking.”

They arrived at the hotel and took the elevator up. When they came upon their door, Jaejoong glanced at it warily. We're just telling them something they've already been told before, Jaejoong coached himself. This doesn't have to involve your relationship with him at the moment. We'll get to that part eventually, but not now. We'll just clear Gaeun from this whole thing, and Yunho can get scolded for being an idiot, and end of story.

Yunho's father answered when they knocked and looked at the two of them in surprise. “Ah, Jaejoong goon...” He stepped out into the hallway and closed the door partway behind him. “Yunho, are you sure you want a guest with you? Your mother... really, you should know better than to give her such a vague response and put her in this sort of mood...”

“She'll be calmer if there's an audience, right?” Yunho said weakly.

“We'll see...” He glanced at Jaejoong again. “If it gets heated, feel free to make excuses and go down to the lobby. There's a pleasant talking parrot near the restaurant area.”

Yunho's father opened the door and ushered the two of them in. Yunho's mother was seated on the bed, and her face brightened for a moment when she saw her son before she remembered that she was upset, and her forehead creased all over again. Her expression only looked more troubled when she saw that Jaejoong had come with him.

“Jaejoong goon, I was not expecting you,” she said, lifting an eyebrow. “Trying to use your friends as a shield, Yunho?”

“Not at all,” Yunho said firmly. “I don't need a shield. I did want to apologize, though, for answering your call rudely. That was very unfair of me, and I regret that I didn't treat you as politely as I should have. I was frustrated that my initial explanation of not dating Son Gaeun was not believed by you. Had I really been together with her, I would have had no reason not to tell you. Still, that isn't a good excuse to act inappropriately. I truly am sorry.”

“Glad to hear it,” she said. “Really, what was I supposed to think, seeing those pictures of you two at Jaejoong goon's family wedding? If I hadn't watched your press conference, I would have gone to my grave thinking that was you.”

“I don't wear cufflinks.”

“You have stylists now, dear. Besides, I don't know much of what you wore for the past few years, having spent them apart from you. Pardon me if I have difficulties knowing everything about a boy who sees my sister as more of a mother than me.”

Yunho winced, but didn't say anything immediately.

“Anyways, this is not a conversation I was expecting to have with a groupmate in attendance. Jaejoong goon, I apologize for Yunho troubling you again.”

Jaejoong shook his head, but also didn't say anything. Yunho wasn't troubling him terribly, but the odd nature of the situation made it difficult to completely defend his choice to bring him along, either.

“Just as I'm apologetic to you, I'm also upset on behalf of Jaejoongie,” Yunho said. “You shouldn't have gone through him to get to me. He's important to me, and I didn't want to bring him into a private dispute, but you already did. It's not the job of any of my groupmates to sort out rumors about me on my behalf. I can do that for myself.”

“You talk as if that rumor was the end of the world,” his mother said, shaking his head. “But when we thought it was true, we were all very pleased. Why does settling down with a good girl have to be a scandal? Even the true boyfriend seemed like he had to justify his presence at her side. Such a shame.”

“I agree,” Yunho said carefully. “You should never have to justify your presence at the side of someone you love.”

“Still, it was badly done of your company to drag this out and lead people to misunderstandings. You as well. Is it so hard to tell your mother the simple truth, hmm? I would have been disappointed that you hadn't managed to secure yourself such a darling young lady, certainly, but there are others. It doesn't even have to be an idol. There are plenty of lovely women out there who don't have their head in the clouds like your fans, and could make you a proper wife one day. Why shouldn't a handsome man like you be a candidate for an arranged meeting between singles?”

“Because I'm famous, and would be less likely to attract lovely women without their head in the clouds than anyone?” Yunho groaned. “I'm not interested, umma.”

“But what of your old schoolmates? Some of them have grown up so well, and they always ask after you. I should call Minjung noona and see about getting you back in touch with that girl you used to see... Choi Minhee?”

“Umma!” Yunho yelled. “No! If I wanted to date Minhee, I'd reconnect with her myself. If I wanted to meet singles, I would. If I wanted to date a certain idol or actress, I would. Discretely, but I would. But I don't, so don't make it your business to do it for me. Don't you understand the kind of life I live? That part of my heart has to be a secret. I would never burden someone with that unless I really, deeply loved them to the point where I couldn't survive being without them, regardless of the consequences. No one else gets to choose that person for me.” He looked at Jaejoong out of the corner of his eyes. “I choose that person. That person chooses me. It happens in its own time, at its own pace, all right?”

“Very well. But you'll be living that life for years, I'm sure. If you think too much about not burdening people, you'll never settle down. You might miss the woman you were meant for in your blindness. And worse, as I've said, you keep dragging Jaejoong goon around with you, making people believe odd things and giving women reason to see a roadblock where there isn't one. Don't you realize how burdensome this must be for Jaejoong goon, too? He'll want to settle down himself-”

"Leave Jaejoong out of this," Yunho warned.

"You're the one bringing him into this, dear. Whether he's willing or unwilling, the way you drag him around with you wherever you go is enough to make one confused, not at all helped by the fact that you refuse to say anything about those rumors regarding you, too. Do you want give me the wrong idea twice?"

“What wrong idea? Who says I have to be lying to you about everything? Maybe I'm not saying anything because it is the truth."

"...pardon?"

“I'm seeing Jaejoong ah, mother,” he said, the strength of his words almost causing Jaejoong's heart to stop. “So just stop with waiting for anything else, or accusing him of being pulled around by me, because he is the only person I want at my side.”

The room fell silent. Yunho's mother and father stared at their son with wide eyes, and Jaejoong felt his face heating up. No, he thought desperately. He didn't just say that. Not without warning me. Not without giving us the time we need to open them to us. You said you would do this gradually. You said you would protect me. What are you doing now? Deliberately making them hate me? Making us the kind of fools who rush into something they're not even ready for?

“W-What?” his mother stammered finally. “This is a joke of yours, right? Payback for me not believing me about your labelmate?”

“I'm sick,” Yunho said with an eerily calm voice, “of people saying that it's a joke. It's not. I'm being completely serious. Why would I use someone as important to me as Kim Jaejoong as payback? I'm not so low.”

“Yunho,” his father said carefully. “Think about what you're saying and why.”

“I've thought about it,” Yunho said, quieter now. “It doesn't matter how many times I think about it, I'll still be dating him and you'll both have to wrap your heads around that one day. Do it now, and spare me having to listen to you plan my future without even really knowing who I am.”

His mother looked back and forth between the two of them. Jaejoong's mind was still going haywire, trying to process what had happened and what he needed to say. Defend Yunho. No, stay out of this until she says something. Defend yourself. No, they haven't even processed it yet either. Lie? No, Yunho clearly isn't lying right now. They'll see it. Explain how it happened, explain how it's not a fault, explain that it's something we both wanted, not just me? He probably looked like he was floundering like a fish. He probably was. What was there to say? He hadn't thought to prepare for this, something he thought was years down the line. Something he subconsciously that he would be able to dodge indefinitely to spare them both.

It seemed like forever before his mother finally spoke again. “I have nothing against Jaejoong, darling. He's a good boy, very talented, very pretty, very diligent. Any girl's mother would be thrilled, of course.” She glanced at Jaejoong. “I say this for you, as well. There is no future in what the two of you are suggesting. In multiple senses. No family, no children. No comfortable life in this society, no security, no lasting satisfaction. You are close to each other, I know, and there aren't many women around, or ones that you can risk becoming close to. Perhaps you allowed yourselves to get swept up.... I suppose such things must happen... but you must not allow that to distort your thoughts and feelings. You'll regret it later, when you are without a family of your own-”

“Umma, let me be clear,” Yunho said. “I've been dating Jaejoong for years. Before I became an idol. When there were plenty of girls around me and I had no reason to be swept up into something I didn't feel. I don't care about anything else-”

“Because you're just a boy,” she said, talking over him. “You may be an adult in age, but you think like a boy! Who but a boy would be so childish as to hide things easily explained from their mother, or live so dangerously as to cling to a fancy that will destroy him? You're still the same boy who mocked his responsibilities and left chasing ideals of freedom the only a child can hold onto. I shouldn't have let you go into the care of someone as free-spirited as my sister, but that was my mistake, one you're paying for with you continued silliness. You may think this is what you want, but you see your future as narrowly as you always have. Tell me, what life will you lead if you're forced to hide like a shameful burden at every second? Does that sound like happiness to you? Or happiness for him?” She pointed at Jaejoong. “A life in the shadows for two boys who live in the spotlight? It won't work. Think of what happens when your names are the ones on the front page of the paper, and the world is demanding answers and explanations from you. Will you be able to tell them as saucily as you told me? Or will you hide from it, because you know that there's no place for this? Do you call that love? Do you call that a future? It's one thing to force it on yourself, but you've brought your friend into it. Do you think a boy who's never had his head on his shoulders for his entire life can protect another person, much less himself?”

Yunho winced, looking as if he had been slapped. His father placed his hands on his mother's shoulders, as if warning her of stepping too far. Jaejoong opened his mouth. No, none of that was right. You don't know Yunho, he isn't as weak or aimless as you think. Maybe we didn't know all of what we were getting into at the beginning, but we know now. We've lived enough. We know that this is love, and that we can protect ourselves. Even if we hide the truth, it's not because it's a shameful burden. It's that the world we live in is shameful.

His mother noticed Jaejoong attempting to speak and shook her head. “Dear, I don't blame you. Really, perhaps I don't know you enough to be saying this, but I've watched you well, and I see that you have a good heart. One that is a bit easily affected, which I'm sure helped in allowing my son to... win you over. But think of yourself, too. What lasting happiness will you have with love hidden behind a shadow? You seem like the type who chafes when not able to live freely. An understandable feeling, but what if you chafe too much and expose yourself to a kind of pain you're not prepared for? You should live freely. And safely. With someone who won't bring trouble down upon you... and you won't bring trouble down upon.”

Jaejoong felt his cheeks flush further, her last words feeling as if they had slammed directly against his chest. Someone I won't bring trouble down upon... is that how you see it? That I'm someone who could destroy his life by loving him?

He wanted to tell her. That the way she saw it wasn't the way it was at all, that even if he chafed, he still wouldn't act so rashly that he would hurt Yunho, that their love did have a future, even if it didn't have everything most people wanted in it. But he stopped when he felt the moisture leaking from his eyes. He hated it. Being so badly misunderstood, having Yunho blamed on his behalf, knowing that they wouldn't be accepted by his family now for certain. Why did it have to be this way? All he'd done was fall in love. It happened to people every day. It may have been with another man, their son, but that didn't make his feelings any lesser or more inappropriate. And even if it did, it wasn't anything he could set himself free from simply because it wasn't easy. His heart was too invested, his happiness too dependent, and he knew for certain that it wouldn't be possible for him just to give Yunho up and expect to love again with all the force and passion with which he was in love right now. But he could say that to them any number of times, and it was likely they would never be able to understand. He was still something standing in the way of the future of their son. No matter how well he expressed his heart, he would still be an intrusion, and knowing that hurt him beyond anything else. Jaejoong tried to hold back his tears, but the feeling of disappointment was too sharp. He ducked his head, waiting for his one moment of grief to pass before he righted his nerves and attempted to put into words all he was feeling and why it wouldn't be going away.

But before he could force back his tears, he felt a hand grabbing his arm. The doors to the hotel room opened, and suddenly they were running down the hallway to the elevator. The look on Yunho's face was furious, his lips pursed and his face a flushed shade of red. They didn't say anything in the elevator as Jaejoong tried to rub his face and hide the fact that he'd been crying, but he could see through his blurred vision that Yunho was shaking. When they reached the lobby, Yunho shielded him with his body as some of the people in the room gasped and whispered, “Isn't that Jung Yunho from DBSK?”, and before anyone could determine if it was or not, he'd gotten them outside and pushed Jaejoong into the car behind its tinted windows and enclosed world.

His rushed removal from the situation only made Jaejoong feel worse. They'd left without explaining anything or making any kind of case for themselves. He understood that Yunho was most likely furious with his family and perhaps didn't want Jaejoong to have to listen to anymore of what they had to say, but still, the fact that Jaejoong hadn't been able argue on their behalf in the slightest crushed him. What good am I? If I can't show I can do at least the much for Yunho, wouldn't they be right in everything they said about us?

“Why?” Jaejoong choked out, rubbing his eyes again. “Why did you tell them without asking me first? I wanted... w-wanted to say so many things... but I just stood there like an idiot. Why didn't you warn me? How w-worthless must they think I am?”

“I'm sorry,” Yunho said shakily. “I didn't plan for that to happen, I just... I'm so sorry, you should have never have had to hear that, I'm so, so sorry.”

“We need to go back.... we need to tell them....”

Yunho kept driving determinedly away from the hotel, wincing as Jaejoong bit back a fresh sob. “I'm sorry,” he said again, his voice breaking. “I didn't want-” He stopped talking abruptly, holding back the wateriness in his voice and focusing on the road ahead of him. Jaejoong buried his face in his hands, not wanting to look anywhere. The part of him that had been expecting something like this to happen hadn't known how much hurt would come along with it. It wasn't anything he couldn't get past with time, but the pain of it in that moment was almost unbearable.

They rode the rest of the way back in relative silence, other than Jaejoong's muffled sobs, and Yunho slowly pulled up their dorm. He shut off the car, and tentatively rubbed Jaejoong's arm, as if he wasn't sure he would pull away in disgust or not. Jaejoong accepted the touch, though still upset at Yunho for the abruptness of what he'd done; if he fought him, he'd only be proving his mother's point that they couldn't protect each other or stay happy together.

“Will you be okay?” Yunho asked softly.

“Will I be okay?” Jaejoong echoed blankly. “I will be, but-” He looked at Yunho hand, which was unbuckling Jaejoong's seat belt. “Wait, are you dropping me off here?” He trusted that he would be okay in a little while, but he wanted to reach that point with Yunho, so they could talk about it properly and figure out how to handle the situation better next time they saw Yunho's family after their anniversary showcase.

“I'm sorry,” Yunho said again, like a mantra. “There's just something I need to... I need to be alone for a little bit.”

“Alone?” Jaejoong stared back at him. “Are you serious? I know this hurts you as much as me, maybe more since its your family, but if you can't deal with this with me, honestly just how good am I? I don't need to feel anymore today like I'm some sort of pointless existence keeping you from being happy.”

Yunho winced again. “About you... you know I don't think...” He shook his head. “Look, there's something I really, really need to do. I'm not abandoning you or... I'm really not, it's just...” He turned his head away sharply. “Please, just go.”

“Don't say those words to me like that,” Jaejoong snapped, throwing the car door open. “Do you really want me to go away from you and not come back?”

“No, I didn't mean-” Yunho started to say, but Jaejoong slammed the door shut, cutting off his words. You can apologize to me later, he thought shortly. For now, if you're not going to be with me, just let me wish you'd wanted to be.

Yoochun was sitting on the couch when Jaejoong walked into the dorm, and his face turned horrified at the expression on Jaejoong's face. “Oh god, are you okay?” He grabbed a box of tissues and them into Jaejoong's hands. “Your face is red... what the heck happened? Where's hyung?”

Jaejoong relayed what had happened back to him, doing his best not to cry again and failing somewhat. He hated having to repeat back some of what had been said to them, hated remembering how he'd said nothing on his own behalf and Yunho's, hated that the words were only coming to him now, when the time had already passed. He hadn't wanted it to happen that way at all, and while much of it was Yunho's fault for telling them so abruptly and so soon, Jaejoong had owed it to them both to express himself better than he had.

“I'll tear hyung a new one when he comes back,” Yoochun muttered, rubbing Jaejoong's back. “Leaving you like this... god, what was he thinking?”

“It doesn't matter,” Jaejoong said, sniffling. “I won't leave it like this. Even if I have to talk to them on my own, I'll explain... even if they hate me for it, I'll tell them everything.”

“Hyung...” Yoochun his back. “Don't bite off more than you can chew. If you need any of us at any moment, we'll be there, okay? You're not the only one who wants to fight for your happiness.”

Jaejoong smiled thinly. “Thank you. I'll be fine. We'll be fine.”

He hoped that was true. He didn't know where Yunho was now, or what he was doing on his own. He could only hope that Yunho wasn't planning on back down and there weren't accusations he'd taken to heart. You're not a boy, Jaejoong thought, taking another deep breath. I wouldn't fall in love with a boy. Only a man. Show them you're as strong as I know you are. And I'll be strong at your side. From now on, I always will be.

Am I finally alright now? This is what they ask me,
I look so pained, my tears seep through my two hands.
When the tears that blind my eyes fall, I can see you clearly,
My love, don't cry. I don't know if I should take you away with me.
You still hold on to so many memories.

I close my eyes for a moment, I still love you so. I should give up, but I can't let you go.
You taught me how to love. Now, how can I forget you?